Part II

Vanishing Act

Chapter IV

Guilty

Sungyeol watched Sungjong with empathy clear in his eyes. He didn’t mean to look at him that way—he swears, it’s just... it’s just...

Myungsoo was his.

He wasn’t going to share his love with anyone, Sungjong had his chance and he let it pass... but still, he couldn’t help but feel sad for the Maknae.

His actions were killing his once best friend... but it couldn’t be helped. It just can’t. He was in love with Myungsoo and Myungsoo loved him—not Sungjong... right?—NO.

He did. He definitely did.

Myungsoo ran to him before he ran to Sungjong and he was on the other side of the place whilst Sungjong was right beside him. That mean Myungsoo loved him more. Definitely.

But as he watched the crying boy he felt like a bad person—a horrible person. It was his fault—not anyone else’s.

If he hadn’t fallen in love with his best friend who was in a weird not-official relationship with his other bestfriend, then this wouldn’t of had happened. None of it.

Sungjong wouldn’t have had to kill the girl.

Yes. Kill. The case had been resolved as ‘self-defence’ and he wasn’t sent to jail as he hadn’t used excessive force or do unnecessary things but for the beautiful boy, it had been rough and now the youngest was granted the ability to slack down on his schedule to almost nothing each day if he wanted to.

Sadly though he hardly did the schedule, he did attend the majority of the practices though. This wasn’t entirely his fault but after being so deeply traumatised, especially after being put through so much stress and raw emotions he wasn’t used to, he was scheduled to have frequent appointments with a psychologist and social worker which usually clashed with his idol business.

It hurt Sungyeol, it hurt Sungyeol that Sungjong hadn’t just felt heartbreak but he felt pain. Real pain, pain that didn’t fade or disappear all together, not pain that may leave an ugly scar but that’s all it would ever be—an ugly scar.

Instead though, Sungjong was losing his mentality. Instead of just merely being broken hearted, he had become depressed. Suicidal. His pain was past the mental mind. His pain was destroying his mental mind. His pain was everywhere, it radiated off of him. It was incredible. It was so ing incredible in such a ed-up way.

His emotions had gone further than just simple heart break, he had killed someone. He may never recover and god ing damn it, Sungyeol couldn’t help but think it was his fault.

... Because it was his fault.

He was the one that was selfish, he wanted more of Myungsoo—he couldn’t stand being alone. He couldn’t stand watching Woohyun and Sunggyu hug behind stage, Hoya and Dongwoo laugh all the time and he just couldn’t ing handle watching Myungsoo with Sungjong.

He wasn’t happy with having L. He was selfish, greedy. He wanted all of L—and that meant Myungsoo. He wanted it all, even if it meant breaking his dongsaeng.

He was almost as bad as Myungsoo—except he evaluated the outcome and god ing damn it—his evaluation ed-up. It wasn’t meant to escalate this big. He was just meant to get Myungsoo and yes, Sungjong would be heartbroken but he knew that Sungjong would make it through if Infinite helped.

But he never knew that he wouldn’t get better, he never knew that not having Myungsoo would be so hard on Sungjong because he’d have Hoya. To make it worse, he had taken it too far with showing his affection with Myungsoo. But most of all, he felt so guilty at the fact that he didn’t regret taking Myungsoo, he only regretting stealing him the wrong way. He only regrets not being subtle. Not letting Sungjong settle down.

He only regretted hurting Sungjong.

He was the reason Infinite’s broken. He was the reason. If it wasn’t for Sungyeol then Sungjong then would be with Myungsoo. The entire seating wouldn’t have been set around—no.

They wouldn’t have even been there.

If he didn’t do that then Sungjong wouldn’t have collapsed from over exertion as he was practicing extra hard. He knew why too, and it all lead back to being Sungyeol’s fault.

They all knew that Sungjong was weak in his dancing—he wasn’t a bad dancer, but they all knew that his hits with the beat weren’t strong or sharp. He was fast but he had no power beneath his hits.

And if he didn’t take Myungsoo from him, then there would be Myungsoo there, telling Sungjong that he was perfect that he was fine and everything was okay.

No, actually, if he hadn’t taken Myungsoo then Sungjong wouldn’t have thought that he wasn’t good enough. Sungjong was always the most insecure but with Myungsoo he had always thought everything was fine because if Myungsoo loved him then he was doing something right. But instead he was with Sungyeol and Sungyeol had been so ing happy that Sungjong was alone.

He was so ing horrible. He couldn’t call himself evil. Evil was too nice. He was ing gruesome. Disgusting. He was just a ing disgrace.

So yes. It was entirely Sungyeol’s fault for loving an idiot.

Myungsoo was just an idiot that didn’t know left from right, he wasn’t to blame. Yet he was. He was nearly as much as Sungyeol.

But he wasn’t doing it purposefully.

He just went with the flow, he didn’t have feelings. He didn’t love anyone, he just liked them and if they went to him he’d accept it.

He wouldn’t think about love, he’d just think about happiness and if he was happy then that was okay, so just Myungsoo because he had been happy with both of them.

Because he was an idiot.

Sungyeol was the one to blame, most of all though, but no matter how many times he repeated this, his heart would shrivel up and cry.

It was his fault that Sungjong had to cry himself to sleep alone—because Hoya had to shoot dramas, Myungsoo was with Sungyeol, Sunggyu was in a coma, Dongwoo visited Sunggyu all the time and Woohyun hadn’t comprehended anything.

It was obvious that Woohyun hadn’t even tried to realise that something was wrong. He carried on as if nothing had ed up. He carried on during the day and the only time you could realise that he was as broken as Sungjong was when he was asleep.

The only time you could see Woohyun understand that Sunggyu wasn’t awake was when he was asleep, in the room he shared with Sunggyu and in the bed he would cuddle with the leader in. The only time you could truly find Woohyun understanding the weight of the situation was when he was dreaming, fast in his bed.

The only thing was that... Woohyun doesn’t sleep.

And if the insomniac did get those rare tired nights were he just slept, he wouldn’t dream. His mind would be blank and black. Nothing would appear—of course, he everyone dream but he never had a nightmare and he never remembered his dreams. They were useless.

Instead, he waited for Sunggyu, at the back of his mind he knew that his lover wasn’t there but it was only a small voice that got washed away by the unimportant thoughts that kept Woohyun sane—but was the reason his sanity wasn’t quite there. It didn’t matter though because he was always with Sunggyu.

Woohyun visited the psychologist too.

He had witnessed someone try to murder him, stab his lover then be killed by his favourite dongsaeng.

He definitely visited the psychologist.                                                                 

Sungyeol sighed and rubbed his temples, trying to massage away the confusing emotions that ed up his brain.

He had created this messy situation, the least he could do was think clearly. He needed to be sane in order to figure this out.

But as he looked down at Sungjong he knew that it would never be fixed. There was no way to repair the mess.

The day Sungjong’s heart broke was the day he broke his reflection—the day Sungyeol broke him. The day Infinite cracked.

Once a reflection is broken it can never be repaired.

Sungjong’s reflection was a mirror he destroyed.

Woohyun’s was glass that had fallen when the sound of the ambulance’s sirens coming for his lover shattered it completely.

Sunggyu’s was his lover’s gaze, which was filled with love but was forever broken.

Dongwoo’s reflection was just a blurry figure on a white wall—a white world that blocked out the rest of the world. A white world that hadn’t broken yet. A white world that was turning grey.

Hoya’s reflection was on a screen—a screen where he would watch himself but it wasn’t him. Because there was this little reflection in the screen that showed him but would always disappear as the person on the screen came to life.

Myungsoo’s reflection was a camera, where he was always behind it and capturing the world through cracked lenses.

Sungyeol’s was the person in the water. Sungyeol didn’t break. He could just be tainted. His reflection wasn’t always the right him, even when it was the stillest of waters the ripples blurred him out. But this was a storm, but his storm was in a bottle.

Stolen. Taken. He was trapped. Trapped with guilt and lies. He had been stole from his freedom and trapped inside a jar. A jar that was in a storm and there would be no calm. He was always been shaken, used. Alone. He just wanted someone. Anyone. But the jar that held him was being shaken. 

The jar that kept him away from his home was being played with. His reflection was in the water, the always moving water that gave no time for rest.  His reflection wasn’t broken. It wasn’t even there.

Once a reflection is broken it can never be repaired.

So where did that leave Sungyeol?

And suddenly,  Sungyeol thinks that he found a crack in the jar.

And suddenly, Sungyeol found that he's slowly leaking away too suddenly.