Part II

Vanishing Act

Chapter I

The Broken Reflection

   It was scary to Hoya, it was scary witnessing how quickly Sungjong’s eyes could turn from deadly, to dead. How his feelings ranged from loving, loved, unloved, heartbroken, lonely, miserable, strong, scared, scary and then fell right back down to nothing in such a short period of time.

It was even more scarier knowing that Myungsoo was the maker of this problem. It had always been obvious that Sungjong and Myungsoo had something going on bewtween the two of them, but it was just as obvious that Myungsoo and Sungyeol also had something going on.

But, Hoya isn’t gay, neither is Dongwoo... he thinks, and he suspects that WooHyun and Sunggyu aren’t either but hey, you never know, but that doesn’t mean he’s homophobic. He... doesn’t mind gays, although a lot of Koreans do but he doesn't. But he isn’t gay.

He thinks—

He felt his thoughts being interrupted by a rather loud giggle. He looked around the dorm to find Sungyeol and Myungsoo snuggling on the sofa his eyes flitted over to the spot where Sungjong stood, in front of a mirror with a comb in his hands, merely doing his hair repeatedly, as if he was a robot that knew nothing but that one action.

“Yah! Why are you two being all lovey-dovey today?” Woohyun asked as he saw Myungsoo whisper something into Sungyeols ear which made Sungyeol giggle—again.

“What do you mean?” Sungyeol giggled as Myungsoo snuggled his face into his neck, “Oh come on, look at you two!”

“We’re not doing anything!” Sungyeol opposed but he still ing giggled. “Oh, get a room!” Hoya tried to shoo them away as he saw Sungjong’s fists tighten and his eyes occasionally flicker to the couple in the reflection of the mirror.

“We are not doing anything! And stop it you!” The tall boy defended and lightly hit Myungsoo on his shoulder, to which Myungsoo sighed and squeezed Sungyeol tightly. “Hey! That hurts, you know!”

Woohyun chuckled and began to tease them, Sunggyu and Dongwoo joining along until Myungsoo sat up, with Sungyeol on his lap but his lips were on the back of Sungyeol’s neck. "Stop it you guys!" Sungyeol pouted cutely and Sungjong felt himself tense with envy. Stupid envy.

“Sungjongie~” Myungsoo cooed, but his lips were still on Sungyeol’s neck.

Sungjong felt tears build in his eyes. Stupid tears.

But... But it wasn't Sungjong's fault. That was meant to be him, he was meant to be wrapped around Myungsoo's arms, he was meant to have Myungsoo's lips against him. Myungsoo loved Sungjong. L loved Sungyeol, Myungsoo loved Sungjong. That was fair. He got Myungsoo, he got Myungsoo behind the stage and he let Sungyeol do pepero kisses with his lover. Sungyeol gets L in front of the stage, he gets to do fanservice and Sungjong got Myungsoo behind it all. 

Sungjong got Myungsoo in the middle of the night between moans and lustful kisses, Sungjong got Myungsoo on the bed with wrapped arms around his thin waist and he got the giggles and the cutesty kisses. That was Sungjong.

Sungyeol got hugs on stage and almost kisses in front of the camera. He got whispers and teases while the fans watched them with happy eyes. That was Sungyeol.

So why wasn't that Sungjong? Why was Myungsoo with Sungyeol? Why was Myungsoo, not L, with Sungyeol? It wasn't right. It wasn't. Sungyeol didn't love Myungsoo. He couldn't! Sungjong did. Myungsoo didn't love Sungyeol, he loves Sungjong. He did. 

So why did Sungjong feel so unloved, so worthless? Why did he feel so miserable and used and just so god damned sad? Why, oh why, did he feel so... lonely. But he was mainly sad to the point of anger... or was it he was so angry to the point of sadness? Either way, Sungjong felt like .

Hoya saw this. Hoya noticed how betrayed Sungjong looked. Hoya noticed many things.

He noticed the way the Maknae's fingers clenched around the comb until in snapped in half, he noticed how Sungjong hadn’t noticed that the item in his hands had snapped because he was too angry.

Hoya watched as the comb fell to the ground, Hoya noticed that the metal comb hadn’t just snapped in half but shattered into many pieces.

But only Hoya noticed this.

Again, only Hoya notices things.

Myungsoo s his arms around Sungyeol’s waist and rested his chin on his shoulder but moved his head to the general direction of Sungjong, but his eyes rested on the way Sungyeol’s hair tickled his nose and with a giggle he lifted his head and patted it, then slowly it as he spoke to the confused boy, his eyes on him but his thoughts on Sungyeol. “Sungjong, are you okay? Jongie—“

Sungjong couldn't hear him. He could only see what he was doing.

That was meant to be Sungjong. Myungsoo loved Sungjong's hair. Myungsoo only does that to Sungjong. All the time. That was reserved for Sungjong onstage and offstage. 

Only Sungjong. Not Sungong and Sungyeol.  There were two things that Sungjong got all to himself and this was his favourite. Sungyeol could have the cuddles, the giggles, the late night snuggles, he could have the whispers and promises. 

But that was Sungjong's. Sungjong has that. That sign of affection belonged to Sungjong. NOT Sungyeol, so why was he stealing it? Sungjong had the right to tickle Myungsoo with his hair, Myungsoo could play with only Sungjongs hair. Myungsoo loved Sungjong's hair, Sungjong's hair was the best. Sungyeol could have the hugs onstage, Sungyeol could have the whispers onstage, the touches, heck he could have them offstage.

But that was only Sungjong's. Sungjong got to have his hair tugged and pulled on by the man he loved in the middle of the night, Sungjong got to feel soft fingers play with his hair and pat it gently.

"That's mine."

Was he really not that good anymore, was he really that useless? Did Myungsoo grow that tired of him? Was Sungjong as ugly as the fans thought? Is that why it was always Myungyeol? Because Sungyeol was better? Heck, Sungyeol's pretty, he's skinny and he can actually move his hips. He could beat Sungjong at the one thing Sungjong trumphs everyone at.

He couldn't take it anymore.

Myungsoo snapped his head to Sungjong and stared at him through a cracked piece of mirror that managed to stay standing.

Myungsoo finally, finally noticed the pain look in Sungjong’s eyes... But he didn't do a thing about it.

Sungjong still had his fist on the mirror when he looked back at Myungsoo with his broken look, the look he had been holding in for weeks. A look that pierced Myungsoo’s soul and overwhelmed him with an unknown guilt.

Myungsoo couldn’t tear his eyes away and for a fraction of a second he swore he saw tears pile up in the Maknae's* eyes, but he couldn’t confirm it as the cracked mirror fell to the ground as Sungjong retracted his hand and escaped to the bathroom as quickly and gracefully as his numb legs could take him and Myungsoo began to follow.

Hoya quickly intercepted Myungsoo from getting to Sungjong.

Myungsoo tilted his head at Hoya’s enraged look, Hoya watched him with disgust. “Don’t. I’ll go. I understand what’s going on.”

“Hyung*, what’s going on?” Hoya sighed at the boys obliviousness.

“It’s none of your business.” Then he too retreated to the bathroom.

Hoya slowly approached the boy and looked down to his bleeding hand. He led the boy to the small shower and the tap.

“Hoya-hyung?” Hoya just shushed him and grabbed a small cloth.

“I’m sorry, Jongie, but it might sting a little.” Sungjong nodded gingerly and Hoya knew that the tears that fell from his eyes weren’t from the water.

Hoya wrapped the bandage around his arm and hand before leading him back to their shared room since Sungyeol shared with Myungsoo and Dongwoo, of course.

Sungjong collapsed onto Hoya's bed as Hoya slept in the lower bunk, the older boy sat down beside him but couldn't do anything other than console the young boy, but he guessed that doing that was the best he could offer at the moment.

“H-He’s breaking my heart, Hyung, and he doesn’t even know it!” Hoya knew it though and as much as he wanted to keep a secret he knew that something had to be done, but looking down at the boy he didn't know whether it was starting a fire in his heart, or totally blowing it out and squashing it.

“Hyung.”

“Shh, it’s okay. I’m here.”

“Hyung.”

“What, Jongie-ah?”

“Hyung. H-He—he never answered Hyung. He nev-ver answered, Hyung.”

“Shh, rest, Sungjong-ah, just go to sleep.”

Hoya swore that Sungjong never looked more broken than in that one moment where he looked up at him with so much broken naivety that Hoya swore his own heart vanished.

His words were so broken, his thoughts were so wrecked, his heart was so shattered that when Sungjong spoke, the whole world cried with him.

“Can I sleep forever?”

And the sincerity in his eyes spoke louder than the words he whispered. The hope in his eyes that the wish in his question would come true made Hoya swear while crying.

Tears fell from both their eyes as he questioned the situation. How did this happen? How did it come to this? 

Hoya always thought that love was like a rollercoaster. It made you feel incredibly nervous, then before it starts you regret it so much but then you get to the top and butterflies fill your stomach as you go down and when you finish, you want to do it all over again and you always come back.

Hoya always thought this was pretty accurate. So he thinks it's safe to say that the rollercoaster Sungjong was riding broke on the way down. He fell. He fell deep and Hoya could only wish that he could pull himself out of it because it seemed like the only one who noticed was Hoya.

Hoya had felt heartbreak, of course, but is this what it was like to love someone?

Yes.

Is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

No.

It wasn’t. It truly, wasn't. Hoya knew this as he looked at the broken boy who wished to sleep forever.

Hoya lulled the boy to sleep and quickly slipped out of the room. He went searching for Myungsoo and found him staring at the ceiling on his bed.

He quickly grabbed Myungsoo’s collar and dragged him out to the sitting room, “What’s the matter, Hyung—ah, ! Why’d you do that? that hurts!”

Myungsoo swore as he was dragged into Sungjong’s room and was pushed to face the sleeping boy. The only thing weird was that he wasn't with Myungsoo?

“This is why I did it. This. Look!”

Myungsoo furrowed his eyebrows, what was wrong? Myungsoo was blind to whatever was wrong, Sungjong was sleeping. He normally slept like this, Myungsoo just though he was a sleep cryer. “He’s fine, hyung! Stop worryin—OW! Hyung!”

“You Idiot! Look at him. He’s crying for god’s sake. He’s been crying for hours on end, why? Because of you, you dumb ! He’s heartbroken, idiot. He’s in love, he’s in love with you!” Hoya shouted at him as he brought him back into the living room. not wanting to wake Sungjong, who hadn't gotten much sleep in a while, so it was good that he was sleeping even if it was for all the wrong reasons.

Myungsoo took a step back and winced as he felt a mirror shard dig into his arm as his arm scraped along the mirror.

Myungsoo watched as the same now-bloody shard fall and join the remaining smaller pieces. He watched as blood dripped down the side of the frame and shuddered as he realised that it was Sungjong’s.

He shook his head and winced again as he took another step back onto more shards that dug into his feet.

The spoken sentence wasn’t settling in his brain. His mind was blank. The pain was numb and his eyes was set straight ahead.

He always knew that Sungjong liked him a bit, but he didn’t expect anything.

He didn’t think that those kisses on the forehead, pecks on the lips or late nights together meant anything. He did most of those things with Sungyeol, not the sleeping together part.

He didn’t think it meant anything, though. But then again, he never did think, did he?

Hoya merely sneered at his stupidity.

“You just had to break apart two best friends, didn't you? So what’s next, Myungsoo? You’ve broken a friendship, you’ve broken a heart and you’ve broken our Maknae! What are you going to do next? Huh? Break our group? Because that’s the road you’re heading on, and you’re dragging us all along with you!”

Myungsoo hit the back of the wall and slid down, his hands on his head. His expression was so shocked and dismantled that it made Hoya laugh as he sat on the couch. The entire ed up situation made Hoya laugh.

Sungyeol was frozen in the doorway. He had been there the entire time, letting the shards tear his skin as it slipped from his fingers. He knew it. He ing knew that Sungjong loved Myungsoo and he felt so guilty. He felt so happy. He felt so horrible.

Dongwoo sat in his room with the music turned to full volume in his ears, trying to wash out the sounds of the outside world as he watched the white wall in his room. Trying to blank his mind from the wails that he had heard before the youngest had fallen asleep. It didn't work. No matter how loud he turned it the softest of words that came out of Hoya's lips would always ring throug his mind.

Woohyun and Sunggyu rested on their beds, in each other’s embrace as the reality hit them. Sunggyu felt so bad. He failed them. He failed his dongsaengs* and all the hard work they did to make it work but he had the worst feeling that something bad was going to happen. Something bad was going to happen to him.

Hoya just laughed as he looked up at the ceiling, he turned his head to face Myungsoo as his bitter laughs slowly receded. His features had stopped showing emotion as his lips slowly moved.

He couldn't even hear the own words that escaped his mouth, but the rest of the group could.

“You’ve broken so many things, Myungsoo, and you don’t even know it.” 

*Maknae = The youngest in a group
*Hyung = What a younger male says to an older Male
*Dongsaeng = What a older person calls a younger person of any gender