“Minwoo!”

I shouted angrily when Minwoo took me back to my roof. Just few minutes ago after I had a panic attack and began to continuously hitting my own chest, I begged Minwoo to take me to Hyesung again. But he didn’t comply at my begging and brought me here instead. To say that I was angry with him was an understatement.

He let go of my hand but didn’t back off. Instead, he decided to confront me. “No! You stay here! I won’t take you anywhere!” Minwoo then crossed both of his hands in front of his chest.

“I said take me to Hyesung!” I glared straight to his eyes but he dared to glare back at me. He was floating in front of me, so even though he was shorter than me, now he was a few centimeters taller than me. That piece of ginseng root who called himself as an angel was seriously taking toll to my nerves.

“It’s enough, Eric.” He said firmly.

“I want to see him! I can’t leave him alone.” It was killing me when I didn’t know whether he was okay or not.

His expression changed completely. His glare faded away and only left sadness on his eyes. I thought he gulped a little as if he didn’t know what to say.

He pitied me.

“And it’s your fault!” I grabbed his collar roughly. But for my surprised, he didn’t fight me. He held my wrist gently instead and somehow I lost my anger by his calmness – only to be replaced with desperation. “It’s your fault.” I said weakly. But Minwoo never said anything to reply me.

“You should have taken me away once I died. But it was you who made me stay. So it’s your fault that right now I don’t want to leave anymore.” Maybe if I was still alive, I would be breathless by now after I said those words emotionally.

My grip on his collar loosened as I began to lose my strength I had left. I would definitely fall on my knees if Minwoo didn’t catch my hands immediately. Helplessly, I whispered, “Help me, Minwoo..”

I desperately don’t want to leave him..

***

One day after Hyesung dragged me to that small alley and told me to stop following him, shamelessly I came again to wait for him in front of his school. With my breathing was racing after running fast from my school, I stood at my usual spot and waited patiently for him. When I finally saw him walking out the gate I tried to act naturally, but then he ignored me completely. He didn’t even look at me. With his two friends – Junjin and Dongwan – each on his side, he walked past me as if I was invisible. He tried so hard to keep his face straight but he ended up clenching his jaw.

“Hyesung-ah.” I called his name. But it didn’t affect him whatsoever. He didn’t flinch or halted his step. In fact, he continued to walk and disregarded me completely. On the other hand, Junjin and Dongwan turned their head and gave me an apologetic smile.

“May I join you?” I asked daringly.

No answer.

Junjin and Dongwan eyed their friend for any reaction, but it seemed like there was none. So they turned their head to look at me again and shook their head slowly. They gave me a sign not to push it anymore and let Hyesung alone for now. And then they continued to walk away and left me to see their backs going away.

“Okay, I get it.” I had to shout that so they could hear me. “But I’ll come again tomorrow!”

And so I came again the next day and the day after and the day after that.

But every day Hyesung always ignored me and truthfully, being ignored was far worse than being cursed at. Did he hate me that much? Every day I would wait for him at the same place under the street lamp but he would walk past me with his jaw clenched. I would call of his name but then he would predictably ignore me. And then I would swallow my pride and tell him that I would wait again tomorrow.

Andy scolded me to no end because of my behavior. He thought that I looked pathetic and ridiculous by doing that. He was right of course – I obviously looked pathetic doing things like that. But how could I explain to him that right after I heard the bell rang by the end of our class, my body and my feet were moving by themselves? Without I realized it, I would run and run just to see Hyesung as if there’s nothing else matter in this world. When I finally saw him – and only by then – I would be sane again.

And then my mind would be clear again. And even though he wouldn’t pay any attention at me, I didn’t care. With or without his consent, I still wanted to be able to see him. Sometimes it concerned me much, this desire I had towards Hyesung. Was it love? Or just disgusting obsession?

But even though I hadn’t found the answer yet, once again I came back and wait for him. Honestly, I never expected that today would be different. So when I waved my hand and greeted him just like yesterday and the day before, I was so startled to see him ignored me no more. Unexpectedly, he only sighed when he saw me and then slowly approached me. It was weird, I thought.

“Come along.” He said shortly when he was just a step away from me. And I involuntarily smiled to hear his voice. How I missed to hear his voice in these days. And today my waiting was finally ended.

We walked in silence since he was still clenching his jaw. He walked slightly in front of me and shoved both of his hands inside his pocket. It was like I tailed him along the sidewalk. What was the point anyway, telling me to come along if he shut his mouth the entire time?
 

“Hyesung-ah.” I grabbed his elbow and forced him to stop.

“What should I do to make you stop?” Hyesung asked immediately – as if he was waiting for me to confront him all along. His voice was too soft, at first I hardly heard it. He was looking anywhere but at my eyes when he asked that.

“Huh?” I asked dumbly even though I thought I knew what he meant.

“You can’t do this to me, Eric.” He spoke very slowly. “Please stop it.”

“Why? Is it because ‘we’re both men’ kind of excuse again?” I never intended to say it harshly, but I hissed anyway. He winced a bit and bit his lip awkwardly.

“Don’t you want to live normally?” He asked even slower now, but for me it felt like a full blow.

Normal? What he meant by normal anyway? Liking a girl and going out with them? But for me, it would be very not normal thing to do. I knew I wasn’t into girls ever since I remembered. Even when I was little kid, I knew it. Even from back then, I knew my preference wasn’t pretty, let alone welcomed, so I tried to muffle it down. Feeling inferior and denying who I really am, I did it all before. So even though I often got some praises for my handsome face or athletic feature or anything, for years I have always been a clumsy and aloof person when it comes to socializing.

But I could not fake it, no girl could even get my slightest attention. My friends called me overly picky bastard when I numerously rejected girls’ confession – oftentimes even without thinking it even once. Because I knew it would be only a lie and I would hurt her more. I couldn’t help it, even the prettiest girl I ever met could not move my heart.

Every day, I would pray that someday I would get cured, even though I knew for sure this wasn’t a disease. Or on other occasions I would pray for the time to move quicker, so I could be an adult very soon. At that time, I am free to do what I want and to go to wherever I wish. Most importantly, I prayed for the day when I could honestly speak my hidden secret. And the day I would not be ashamed of myself.

My prayer was granted when I met Hyesung. I remembered it clearly when the first time I met him at student’s sport festival. I was just wandering around after my basketball match ended and only God knows why I ended up watching a tae kwon do match of the many other things I could do. I climbed the highest seat on the bleachers and almost automatically I regretted my choice to come to the place. But whatever regret I had before, it’s all ceased when I heard his laughter.

At first, I thought it was impossible, since he was standing at the other corner of the arena. But somehow, I could hear his laughter alright. I remembered he was standing together with his fellow tae kwon do players. Wearing white uniform and holding a bag on his hand, it was almost unbelievable how beautiful he was. His black hair was a bit long and it made his face becomes more feminine. A few strands of his bang fell and covered his forehead and brows. Is that really a male? I thought back then while letting my jaw dropped in awe.

The next thing I knew, I moved and took a seat at the front. I watched very carefully at his every move. The way he did his stretching, how he continuously fixing his long bang while waiting for his turn to have his match and the laughter he erupted when he talked happily with his friends. And unlike my habit, I actually cheered and clapped enthusiastically for that unknown boy. I wasn’t sure why I did that – I mean, I didn’t even know him and he didn’t even attend the same school as me – but in a mere second I became his loyal supporter. Just before his match began, the referee announced his name. Shin Hyesung. And I found myself smiling stupidly after I got that precious information.

It was stupid, I know. But as absurd as it sounded, when he finished his match (with a clean winning, might I proudly add) my feet were moving by themselves. Like a cocky person, I introduced myself to him and shamelessly asked for his number.

Of course he said no. And then he hurriedly left me. I knew he was frightened.

But one thing that I always remember, it was the fact that that day my prayer was granted. I could have been looked a total fool back then, but I triumphed all my insecurities and bravely talked to Hyesung. Something I surely wouldn’t dare to do before.

If I become who I am in order to meet him and fall in love with him, then I am thankful to be born as a deviant. Actually, after I met Hyesung, I was more than glad to be who I am.

And now he asked me if I wanted to live normally?

“What do you want me to do?” He asked slowly when I kept shutting my mouth. Once again, I didn’t reply. He took a deep breath. “If I agree dating you, would you stop waiting for me in front of my school?” He asked while lowered his head and looked at his shoes.

“Hyesung-ah..” Finally I could find my voice.

I was taken aback by him and didn’t realize that I loosened my grip at his elbow. I really didn’t know what to say. I have never anticipated this kind of talk. Even though he said he agrees dating me, from the way he said that, it didn’t sound right. Not at all.

“This is what you want, right?” He lifted his gaze a bit then looked up at me but I couldn’t read his expression. Was that sadness in there? Or defeats?

No, this wasn’t what I really want, I thought. I wanted him, but surely not like this.

But even though my mind was screaming the word ‘No,’ my mouth helplessly said “Yes.”

He pried open my fingers on his elbow before said, “Okay.” He stared straight at my eyes but said nothing else.

“Hyesung-ah, are you serious?” I asked weakly after one excruciating silence.

He bit his lower lip once before responded, “I don’t have any other way to get rid of you.”

***

“Why you didn’t let me see Hyesung?” I asked Minwoo without looking at his face and broke the silence. Instead, I looked at the far sky when I was waiting for his answer. It was already midnight and finally I could get calm down – took hours though. I was sitting on the edge of the roof and Minwoo sat closely but a bit behind me.

“You’ll hurt yourself.” Minwoo answered shortly and somehow I didn’t want to argue that.

“What if I don’t want to leave?” I asked.

“Don’t even think about it.” Minwoo said firmly while gritted his teeth in a forced patience.

“I won’t do anything to harm him. I’ll just watch him from afar, Minwoo. Just like today.” I said – no, I pleaded to him. It wouldn’t be too different from how I lived anyway. I had never have Hyesung. I might have been called myself his boyfriend, but he was never mine. The only thing I ever do was staring at him from afar.

“It’s not what you’re supposed to do. And this place isn’t where you belong anymore.”

I turned and faced him abruptly even before he could finish his words. “Then take me away from this damn place!” I yelled to him. “To hell or heaven, whatever you may call it, take me away from here! Anywhere is better! You never gave me any freaking clue of what I should do! All you ever do is keeping me in this damn roof!”

“Don’t you get it, Eric?” Minwoo said calmly. “The thing you should do is letting go of Hyesung. Don’t you understand?”