“You’re a masochist.” Minwoo commented dryly when he carefully sat beside me. Well, maybe Minwoo was right – I could have been a masochist. Because even though I had a grave broken heart yesterday, this morning once again I shamelessly begged him to take me to Hyesung’s school.

Maybe I am a masochist. I chose to bear the pain rather than not being able to see Hyesung.

So this morning, Minwoo and I were sitting on the tree branch near Hyesung’s class. (Because if we sat on the roof, I couldn’t see Hyesung clear enough). Fortunately, Hyesung was seated by the window so I could see him pretty closely from here. Just like I always imagined, Hyesung seemed to be a good student. He was quiet while attending his class and kept his gaze on his opened text book. Sometimes he wrote down something on his note book. His bang fell on his forehead whenever he lowered his head and his lips were pursed as he concentrated on the subject.

He was as beautiful as I remembered him.

But somehow, his composed and untroubled state gave me another blow. He looked happy and for the first time I regretted it. A week ago, seeing him happy would automatically bring happiness for me too. But now, thousand tiny disappointments bit me up from inside whenever I saw him smiles whereas I hoped he would be in grief.

Did he ever miss me at all?

“It must be freezing now.” I mumbled slowly. It was already fall now, and if only I wasn’t dead by now, I would feel cold all over my body sitting outside like this. I realized some time ago that after my death, I couldn’t differentiate whether the temperature around me was cold or warm. All felt the same.

“Yeah, must be cold.” Minwoo said unclearly as he moved a bit to find a better and perhaps a more comfortable position. I could see that he didn’t like it at all to sit on the tree like this.

“You don’t seem surprised.” For a moment I left my gaze from Hyesung to look at Minwoo. “About me dating a guy, I mean.” I explained when he only gave me a blank face.

“Oh, that.” Minwoo snickered. “Don’t be too shy.” More snickers – as if he was so happy to be distracted from his current uncomfortable seating position. “I became an angel since very long time ago, Eric. I already saw more things than you ever imagined.” And then he gave me his patent mischievous smile.

“Oh, okay.” I better not start imagining what kind of thing Minwoo had ever seen. I turned my gaze to Hyesung again. He was still reading his book quietly. “You’re more open minded than everyone I knew.” I sighed.

I could see from the corner of my eye that Miwoo was about to say something, but then he changed his mind. Instead, he shrugged his shoulders and remained quiet. We kept sitting in silence for maybe half an hour before Minwoo broke it.

“You must be very like him to sit in this stupid tree just to see him.” Minwoo grunted. “But I have to tell you, you act like a stalker.” Minwoo mumbled while kicking the air in his boredom.

“You’re right.” I mumbled back to him slowly.

“Eh?”

“I always act like a stalker towards him.”

My lung was screaming in pain as I sprinted fast towards his school gate. Running as fast as I could with my backpack dangling dangerously on my back, I came to my destination at precisely one minute.  I saw no student there, so it sent me much relief as I tried to refill my lung by panting hard. I wasn’t late. I stopped and stood under the street lamp and then waited for him. Some students began walking out the gate and I stretched my neck to look for him. All the while, I ignored their curious stares and the girls’ giggles.

I waved at him the second I could see his face. And in return, he frowned.

I hurriedly wiped the sweats on my forehead by the back of my hand. I was always sweating disgustingly like this after running. I hoped I didn’t smell to bad, because Hyesung was coming nearer to me.

“Oh, please not you again.” He grunted lowly when he approached me outside his school gate.

“It’s lovely to see you again, Hyesung-ah.” I said happily and not bothered at all by his bitter welcome. He glared at me for seconds but I didn’t retreat whatsoever. I stood still with my spread smile stayed. He then lowered his head and sighed in defeat.

“Whatever. Let’s go.” He finally said and began to walk.

I chuckled and silently congratulated myself. I’ve been following him (okay, stalking might have been the better word) for three months now – and only by my bold shamelessness and cockiness he would relent on me. I knew I’ve been freaking annoying him, but I had no other choice. I just wanted to be with him. And I’m done talking here.

“How’s your day?” I asked merrily when I walked fast trying to catch his pace. All the while I tucked both of my hands safely on my pants pockets so I could hold back the urge to hold his hand.

“My day was fine. Before you came.” He answered rudely and refused to see my face.

I knew he would answer me like that, so there’s nothing to be much shocked. Instead, I nodded and from the ache I felt on my cheek, perhaps I was still smiling.

“When would you stop doing this?” He suddenly halted his pace and glared at me.

“Doing what?” I asked challenging him even though I knew exactly what he was talking about. It was almost six months ago since I met him for the first time at student’s sport festival. And I’ve been stalking him ever since. I called and texted him every day only to ask him dull questions like ‘what he was doing now’ or’ whether he ate or slept’ at the moment. And even though he didn’t reply, I never got discouraged by that. Every school day, I would literally sprint out my school once my class ended and waited for him outside his school.

Hyesung pouted after hearing my dumb reply. Then for my surprise, he grabbed my wrist and just dragged me to one empty alley nearby without saying anymore words. Once we got enclosed by the two walls, he let go of my hand (quite roughly, if I might add) and resumed his glare to me.

“Just stop it!” He shouted.

“I really like you. And I think I love you.” I said, and only a second after I realized that I stuttered the word ‘love’. Gosh, confessing my love for him was always left me breathless. And I felt stupid to confess to him in this filthy alley with my shirt was damped from sweat like this.

“Shut up.”

“Hey! I said I love you. And I’m not a kind of person who said it out of habit!” I raised my voice irritated. Woah, woah, calm down Eric.

“We’re both man!” He shouted loudly and it sounded even louder between these two high walls around us.

“I’m not into girls to begin with. So are you.”

I decided to take the risk – I held his hands on mine. I didn’t care if he was going to hit me or kick me. But unlike my thought, he didn’t flinch. Instead he became rigid and didn’t move – perhaps he was too startled at my daring move. I took a deep breath the moment our skins met. Oh my God! I’m holding Hyesung’s hand! It was the first time and it felt awesome! Was it my ear going deaf or my heart started to have its own earthquake?

He locked our gaze and once again he stole my breath away – but sadly, not in a good way. As he widened his eyes, I could see something on it. He was scared. And loathed the idea.

“Do you hate me that much?” I didn’t know when I let go of his hand but the only thing I knew was my hands hung on my sides now.

Hyesung blinked. But those frights on his eyes stayed.

“What is so wrong if I like you?” I asked and ungracefully, I braced myself for defeat.

“This is so wrong. We are so wrong.” Was his only reply.

All day, I sat on that tree branch and watched him. (Minwoo gave up his attempt to sit on it after two hours, so he ended up floating around the tree). Hyesung looked so happy. Even without me, he looked so happy. He chatted with his friends (I thought I know two of them, but could not quite recall their names) and sometimes joked with them. (On the second thought, why do I sense that his two friends seemed sadder than Hyesung?). At lunch, he ate normally. Seating with his two friends (why can’t I remember their names?), he chatted and chuckled. Even though his friends sometimes gave him a weird look, Hyesung continued on his blabbering.

When his lesson finally ended that afternoon, Hyesung almost gleefully asked them for a meal with him. He flung his backpack on his shoulder and smiled at them.  And then, one of his two friends – the smaller one – put his hand on Hyesung’s shoulder and said slowly, “Hyesung-ah..”

That small friend stared straight to Hyesung and made Hyesung stood nervously stiff right after. He didn’t continue his words, but somehow I could understand what he probably meant. Strangely, I knew I wasn’t the only one who caught his implication of his silent stare. I knew, Hyesung knew, and that taller friend of him also knew. And as strange as it was, I thought Minwoo also knew.

Hyesung was forcing and faking it.

And it was the time to stop.

Despite the rustles and noises of the classes when everyone hurriedly exited the classroom, all five of us stayed. No one stared at each others’ eyes for now, but we shared the same understanding.

Hyesung was the first to make a move. He gripped his backpack once, before his heel and walked slowly. His smile and happy gleam were vanished from his face. They were replaced by his embarrassed and blank look. His shoulders were slouched as he exited the now empty classroom – except for his two friends whose name I still couldn’t remember. But then they immediately went for him. They walked on his left and right, as if protecting him. Flung their arm onto Hyesung’s shoulders, they guarded him along the way.

Minwoo took my left hand and that light sensation began. I floated with him. We tailed Hyesung who was sandwiched between his friends closely behind from above. And as I watched them walked away outside the school gate, I felt the urge to call out his name. Maybe if I scream out his name, he would hear me. But before I could actually open my mouth, some strange feeling hit me. It was so strong, I could feel the blow prevented me to produce any sound.

Instead, I clutched my chest where my heart should have been located with my right hand. Not feeling any better, I started to hit it lightly with my fist.

Minwoo suddenly halted seeing my action. “Eric, what are you doing?” Minwoo shrieked and grabbed my right wrist immediately – prevented me to do anymore self hitting. Hyesung kept walking and left us.

“It’s not fair.. It’s not fair..” I was hiccupping of the words and continuously shook my head. I still could see Hyesung’s back, but it was going tinier as he walked further away.

“Eric..” I thought I saw Minwoo’s face was going pale, but perhaps it was my eyes that were going blurry.

When I was alive, every time I see him, my heart would beat like crazy. Hearing his voice through the phone would also give me the same result. Receiving his text reply, or whispering his name when I was missing him, or remembering him in any random occasions, all those actions would also increase my heart beat. I would feel like I was going explode, but in a very pleasant way. I never had the same sensation with anyone else. Only Hyesung. It was something that only he can do to me.

But now, I had no heart to beat. It was mute and motionless since the moment I died. And no matter how many hours I stared at his face in front of me, I couldn’t revive that heart of mine.

I kept hitting my chest lightly despite Minwoo’s hand on my wrist.

“It’s not fair, Minwoo.” I hiccupped even more. “I can’t give up on him. I can’t leave him. What should I do?”

A/N

Finally, I could finish this chapter.. A bit short though.. ^^ Honestly I lost count of how many times I rewrite this chapter, but this is the best I could come to.. Thank you for all the comments, knowing your sincerity and effort, I like it even more.. Thank you for the upvote and for my subscribers for waiting patiently..^^ (and for those who unsubscribed, you're still welcomed to read this any time ^^ )

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