Luhan crouches alone in the dark, his only company a dimly flickering light bulb, and his own inflated ego. He fishes around in his pocket for his box of matches, striking one. The orange lighting does not make the janitors closet look any more glamorous.

 

But Luhan’s always had a good imagination.

 

He closes his eyes and breathes in the scent of disinfectant and bleach, a smile settling on his face. “Ah yes… lone wolf Luhan, deserted and betrayed by those he trusted most, makes a chilling reappearance on his own… but what is the mastermind planning?” he murmurs indulgently.

 

Baekhyun was right. Working alone is much cooler. 

 

“Now… revenge is in order. But what shall I do to punish Sehun and Jongdae? I need.. some kind of catalyst.” Luhan hisses to himself. 

 

He watches the dust motes swirl around the janitor’s closet until his match burns dangerously low. “!” he curses as the tip of his finger makes contact with the flame. “Ugh, this is why I need an assistant. Who is going to take care of my mortal wound!?”

 

Luhan blows the match out and stumbles out of the closet in the hopes of finding a bandaid- only to come face to face with the man of his nightmares.

 

“Spawn of satan! I rebuke you!” Luhan screams, waving his burnt match in Minseok’s face.

 

“Hey.. that one kinda hurt. I’m no Yixing.”

 

“Ah, you’re right.”

 

“As always.”

 

“Spawn of Yixing! I rebuke you!” Luhan tries again, drawing a cross with the match.

 

“That’s not even possible.” Minseok mutters, frowning. “Yixing can’t produce a spawn. He’s a homoual male.”

 

“It’s figurative. Because you’re not spawn of satan level, but you’re pretty close. You’re like satan’s spawn once removed. Which, by the transitive property, makes you the power level of Yixing’s spawn.”

 

“Is that how the transitive property works?”

 

“I dunno. I don’t teach math.”

 

“Hmm. Oh yeah! I almost forgot why I was here.” Minseok says abruptly. His eyes narrow, glinting in the glaring hallways lights. And then his voice takes on a different tone- one that makes Luhan’s skin crawl. It’s the same tone of voice Minseok had used when threatening him with a pocket knife in Yixing’s parking garage. “Get back in that closet if you know whats good for you.” 

 

Luhan feels the hair on the back of his neck stand up and he laughs nervously, taking a hesitant step back. “Heh. Okay! Luhan is getting back into the closet!” 

 

“More like, Luhan is never coming out of the closet.” Minseok mutters to himself, closing the closet door behind them. “Now strike another match.”

 

Luhan drops the burnt match on the ground and hastily lights another, holding it up under Minseok’s chin. “Ooh, you look like you’re about to tell a horror story!”

 

“I am.” Minseok smirks. “It’s about the future of the pranking club.”

---

 

Jongin jumps at the feeling of cold fingers against his chin. He’d been grading papers during lunch when he’d zoned out, thoughts straying to pale skin and plump lips. Ever since he and Kyungsoo had become official, they hadn’t been able to keep their hands off of each other. The years of pent up between the two of them had resulted in this frenzied rush of kissing and touching and exploring. It’s only Monday and Jongin has already pulled Kyungsoo into two empty classrooms just because he missed the taste of those lips. So far, they hadn't done anything past kissing, but Jongin wasn't trying to rush. He doesn't want to pressure Kyungsoo into anything, but his libido tends to spike uncontrollably when he comes into contact with that sinful mouth.

 

Jongin sighs wistfully. Kyungsoo wasn’t at lunch today; he had to stay in his classroom to administer a test to a student who’d been absent. It’s a pity, really. Jongin doesn’t like the fact that Kyungsoo is even alone with some snotty kid… 

 

He’s brought back to reality by an obnoxious (and all too familiar) laugh in his ear.

 

“This is just too precious,” Sehun cackles madly, holding his damp fingers up to the light. “There’s literally saliva dripping from your face!”

 

“Shut up Sehun,” Jongin manages to stutter out, wiping the lower half of his face with both hands. This was a whole new level of embarrassing. Drooling at the thought of Kyungsoo? Jongin is shocked at himself, honestly. “I’m tired, that’s it.”

 

“Is that why you’ve doodled ‘Kim Kyungsoo’ all over that poor student’s paper?” Sehun laughs, pointing a spindly finger at the quiz Jongin is supposed to be grading.

 

“Hey!” Jongin looks down, inspecting the paper. Sure enough, the words are scrawled in the margins of the page, complete with hearts dotting the i’s. “I- I didn’t… .” 

 

Jongin reaches for his white out in an attempt to awkwardly cover up his blunder. 

 

Sehun sits down, pulling out a giant sandwich. “So, I’m assuming you did get some this weekend. Gonna spill the beans?”

 

Jongin opens his mouth, fully intending to dismiss Sehun- when the repulsive stench wafts towards his nose. “Ew, what is in that sandwich?”

 

“Uh, peanut butter, jelly, cheddar cheese, lettuce, pickles and… I think a bit of sriracha.”

 

“Sehun… I have no words.”

 

“Whatevs, just give me the deets.”

 

“So you can whisper everything I tell you into Luhan’s ear? Nah, I’m good.”

 

“Aw, come on, Jongin. I’m your best friend, aren’t I?”

 

“I’ve been reconsidering that for a while now.” 

 

Sehun sticks his bottom lip out in the semblance of a pout, but there are crumbs all over his mouth and the expression ends up being borderline vomit-inducing. “I can’t believe you don’t trust me anymore, Jonginnie. How can you betray your very best childhood friend?”

 

“Oh, no.” Jongin groans. “Not this again.”

 

“Why are you doing this to me?!” Sehun whines. “After all we’ve been through!”

 

“I don’t have time for this.” Jongin mutters, standing up, papers in hand. “Please don’t do it to me.”

 

Without a single warning, Sehun bursts into tears, loud wails reverberating off the walls. He buries his head in his hands, shaking with sobs. When he lifts his face up, it’s damp with tears and spit. The entire teacher’s lounge has fallen silent, all staring at Sehun in shock. 

 

“JONGIN WHY??” Sehun cries. To Jongin’s complete and utter horror, snot begins running down his face, the clear mucus sticking to his lips and heightening his lisp. “WHY DO YOU MAKE YOUR DONGSAENG CRY LIKE THIS?”

 

“Wow, Jongin. That’s low.” Tao says as he passes by. 

 

“Oh my ing god!” Jongin growls in frustration, grabbing Sehun’s collar. He hauls the younger boy, who is flailing his arms and legs, into the kitchen area and throws him unceremoniously onto the floor. “Shut up and I’ll tell you!” 

 

Sehun immediately stops crying, jumping up from the floor and getting some napkins to wipe his face. “Knew that would work on you.”

 

Jongin sighs, shaking his head. He can’t believe he’s about to give in to the teacher with the biggest mouth in faculty. “This is really important to me, Sehun. So please keep your mouth shut about it.”

 

“Okay, okay, lover boy! I just wanna know!” Sehun whines, pouting excessively. 

 

“Well,” Jongin starts, looking around furtively to make sure no one is listening. “We’re together now. As in, he’s my boyfriend.” 

 

Sehun positively squeals with excitement. “I always ing knew you were gay!!” 

 

“Shh!” Jongin clamps his palm over Sehun’s mouth. “Keep it down! I just don’t want the rest of the teachers to find out or they’ll never let us live it down.” Jongin glances around. “And, I don’t want anything getting in the way of our relationship.”

 

Sehun does something Jongin rarely sees- he breaks out into a fond smile. The genuine expression softens his features so he looks less like a hideous alien and more- dare Jongin think it?- human. 

 

“I’ll keep quiet about it, Jongster. I promise.” 

 

Jongin feels a rare rush of fondness for his friend. Sehun has never been particularly easy to deal with, the friendship always laden with his awful pranks and terrible timing. But, sometimes, Jongin remembers why he’s stayed friends with the guy for so damn long. Even though he was annoying and whiny, he was loyal. 

 

“Thank you, Sehun.” 

 

“Of course, Jongin. After all, I know this a very rare experience for you. What are the odds that you’ve found someone who willingly subjects themselves to looking at your ugly face? Or hearing your headache-inducing voice? Or… even worse,” Sehun covers his face in mock horror. “Touching your repulsive flabby body!?”

 

Jongin sighs in resignation. He takes back what he thought about Sehun.

---

Tao’s favorite time of day is fifth period. It’s his break period, and he’s lucky enough to not share it with any of the other teachers. In this 45 minute moment of utter solace, Tao is free to do as his heart desires. 

 

But what does Tao’s heart desire? 

 

Tao stealthily creeps down the hallway, flattening his body against the wall and peering into classroom windows to make sure none of the other teachers see him. Sure, it earns him a few side-eyes from students, but alas- that is the price one must pay to be a ninja. 

 

Tao finally gets into the teachers lounge, and after checking three times to make sure it’s empty, he does a spy-esque somersault into the mini-kitchen. 

 

“Come to mama,” Tao sing-songs, closing his eyes in pure euphoria. Now this is what he comes to school for! Out of the bottom left cabinet, far back, past the month-old cheezits and discarded box of oatmeal, Tao pulls out his prized possession. His George Foreman grill. 

 

“It’s meat time.”

 

Tao plugs the device in, then sprints to his cubicle to retrieve his packages of turkey bacon, beef and pork belly. He pulls the bag of turkey bacon open, holding it up to his face and drawing in a deep breath. Fantasies of swimming in a pool of salted meat come to mind, the thought of his body covered in seasoning and grease threaten to make his knees buckle- but Tao discards the temptation to focus on the task at hand. He reaches a shaking hand in, caressing the strip of dried food. The texture almost brings him to his knees. It's beautiful.  

 

“You will be loved,” he whispered. “And cherished. In my belly. As my stomach acid dissolves you.”

 

With a flourish, he lays the bacon down on the grill, along with three other pieces. 

 

“Jesus, Tao, if I knew you were that into meat I would’ve asked you to my a long time ago.”

 

The sound of another human being in the vicinity makes Tao screech and jump about a foot in the air. “!” he curses vehemently. “, Jongdae! You scared me. And  also, ew. I have standards.”

 

Jongdae isn’t fazed by the offhand comment, instead cackling with glee. “I’m so glad I captured that on camera.”

 

“You- I- ugh! You have interrupted the meat cooking and ruined my alone time!” Tao fumes, clenching his fists. “I can not forgive the interruption of this scared ritual!” 

 

“You look like you’re about to bust a nut,” Jongdae laughs maniacally, again. “I didn’t know you had a meat .”

 

“It’s not a meat , it’s a-”

 

“Ding dong fixation? Weiner obsession? Throbbing desire for sausage? Extreme salami compulsion?”

 

“NO, it’s a-”

 

“Love of the schlong? Testosterone for the t-bone? Lust for a pulsing meaty shaft?”

 

“Okay, now you’re just throwing words around.”

 

“Insatiable desire for that which is phallic and also edible?”

 

Tao unplugs his grill. 

 

“I am just going to leave now.”

---

 

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo mewls. “We- ah- we can’t do this here.” 

 

Kyungsoo isn’t a particularly picky person, but even he draws the line somewhere. And right now, ‘somewhere’ happens to be this grotty janitor’s closet that he and Jongin are currently making out in. They’d been walking to the teacher’s lounge during break, and Kyungsoo had seen that the door was half ajar, keys lying on the ground next to it. 

 

Without even thinking about the sketchiness of the setup, Kyungsoo had pushed Jongin into the room for a brief kiss, not intending for it to escalate into a heated make out session. Break was almost halfway over, and Kyungsoo knew the others would get suspicious if they were both absent from the teachers lounge- but the slide of Jongin’s full lips against his makes thought processing kind of difficult.

 

Jongin’s hands wander under Kyungsoo’s shirt, loosening the fabric from where it was neatly tucked into pressed pants. Kyungsoo can’t help but let out another breathy moan as he feels fingers brush over the sensitive skin of his stomach.

 

“Stop talking,” Jongin breathes, effectively shutting Kyungsoo up with his tongue. The kiss is wet and hot and dirty, and so not school-appropriate. Jongin’s teeth find Kyungsoo’s bottom lip and he tugs, releasing it after a few torturous seconds with an obscene pop. 

 

The sight of Jongin with lidded eyes and swollen lips has Kyungsoo pulling the taller man impossibly closer, tangling his fingers in dark locks and kissing him hard. Jongin pulls away to at Kyungsoo’s neck, tongue laving over the pale skin. He drags his tongue down, down, to at Kyungsoo’s collarbone, fingers digging into his waist.

 

Kyungsoo involuntarily cants his hips up, his hardness aching to be touched. “Please, please,” he gasps, grabbing Jongin’s wrist. He guides Jongin’s hand down until he gets the message. And then Jongin is palming his , him through his pants. 

 

“,” Kyungsoo curses, loud. They haven't gone this far before. “Ah- theres no time-”

 

There are loud footsteps outside the door and the two of them jump apart, chests heaving. 

 

“, is the door locked?” Kyungsoo hisses through his teeth, flattening himself against the wall.

 

“Yes, just be quiet.” Jongin whispers, gripping the key tightly in his palm. 

 

The handle of the door jiggles, like someone is trying to open it from the outside. “That’s funny,” a voice sounds from the hallway. Kyungsoo freezes- it’s Luhan. “I could’ve sworn I left this door unlocked.”

 

“That’s what you get for leaving the ing keys on the ground.” Minseok's voice is muffled from the other side of the door. “Luhan, you better go check the teacher’s lounge to make sure someone didn’t return them. I’ll try to pick the lock.”

 

“Crap, ok.” 

 

Kyungsoo hears Luhan’s rapid footsteps fade away, and he tucks his shirt back into his pants, still breathing heavily. Beside him, Jongin is fixing his hair frantically. 

 

“I’d get out of there if I were you two.” Minseok says suddenly. From the sound of it, he’s got his face pressed up against the door, and he’s mumbling quietly, so as not to be heard. “Or Luhan’s gonna put two and two together.”

 

 Kyungsoo’s head snaps back to stare at Jongin. “Minseok knows??” he mouths in confusion. 

 

Jongin looks just as puzzled, frowning at the door, then back at Kyungsoo. He shakes his head, bewildered. 

 

“Luhan will be back soon.” Minseok says again, lower. 

 

Jongin hangs his head in defeat, and unlocks the door. Kyungsoo steps out into the hallway behind him, blushing furiously. Minseok is waiting, arms crossed, one eyebrow raised. He looks completely unimpressed.

 

“Real classy, guys.”

 

Jongin scowls. “How did you know we were in there?” 

 

Minseok rolls his eyes. “Logic. Also I could literally hear you guys breathing through the door. Panting like ing dogs, kinda gross honestly.”  He holds his palm out. “Give me the keys, and I won’t tell a soul.”

 

Jongin hesitates, and Kyungsoo swats at his arm. “Think of what would happen if Luhan finds out.” he reasons. 

 

“I don’t understand why you need the keys to the janitors closet though.” Jongin says to Minseok, narrowing his eyes. “Why do you want them so badly?”

 

Minseok blinks innocently. “It’s not about the why, Jongin… it’s about the fact that I am threatening to tell Luhan that I saw you guys boning in the closet.”

 

“W-well, maybe we weren’t boning!” Kyungsoo says quickly. 

 

“Then what is that?” Minseok inquires disdainfully, pointing a delicate finger towards Kyungsoo’s pants. Kyungsoo glances down, takes note of his ever present , and promptly flushes bright red. 

 

“I know you’re up to something, Minseok.” Jongin says, tossing the keys into his outstretched palm. “But I’m going to turn a blind eye.”

 

Kyungsoo’s head snaps back and forth between Minseok, who is the picture of skepticism, and Jongin, who is staring at the Chinese man so hard it looks like he’s going to pop a vein. He begins to back away, hand placed firmly on Jongin’s arm. “Lets go, Jongin. It’s pointless getting involved in their affairs.”

 

“Ah, you’re right.” Jongin concedes, and the two of them start walking back to the teacher’s lounge. “But I’m watching you!” he calls to Minseok as they leave. 

 

Kyungsoo frowns, letting go of Jongin’s arms. He’s getting weird looks from the students milling around in the halls, and if rumors start flying, things would end badly. 

 

“Something weird is going on with Minseok." Jongin says.

 

“I doubt it. He's too cute to cause problems."

 

"Hm. You're right. But something weird is going on with the pranking club."

 

"How does that have anything to do with us?"

 

“Well, it doesn’t. But if it involves Sehun, then I wanna be a part of it.”

 

“You are literally five years old.” Kyungsoo says, rolling his eyes. 

 

“Oh, really? And did a five year old give you a hard-on?” Jongin retorts as they walk into the teachers lounge.

 

As per usual, the timing is all wrong and the entire faculty turns to watch them enter, matching looks of horror painted on their faces. 

 

“Wow, didn’t know you were that kinda guy.”

 

“I’m not one to judge, Kyungsoo, but that’s kinda ed up.”

 

“I am one to judge,” Jongdae calls out from the other side of the room. “And I’m telling you that you’re disgusting.”

 

“Yeah man…” Chanyeol mutters, giving Kyungsoo the side eye. “I’m disappointed in you.”

 

“It was a joke!” Jongin backtracks feebly. “He’s not a e, I was literally joking!” 

 

There is another moment of silence. 

 

“ia is not a joke.” Tao hisses as he walks by. “.”

 

Again, Kyungsoo wonders why he works here.

---

 

“WHAT THE HAPPENED TO MY COMPUTER!?” Tao screeches on a Tuesday morning, sprinting into the teacher’s lounge. His venti iced caramel macchiato (with light caramel and soy, because he’s a healthy motherer) has sloshed all over his shirt, and his fake gucci sunglasses are still on his face, askew. “It’s literally growing plants!”

 

Baekhyun meets Chanyeol’s eyes, and they both snicker, staring pointedly at Yixing. The dancer is sitting on the opposite side of the room, clipping his toenails in a half-assed show of nonchalance. Baekhyun is kind of disturbed at the sight of Yixing’s pale and abnormally small feet. You know what they say about small feet.

 

“Look Tao, I know mornings aren’t your thing. But maybe you need to take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and check again.” Joonmyun instructs, clapping Tao on the shoulder gently. 

 

“Hold on a sec- mine is too.” Kyungsoo’s voice is muffled from behind his cubicle wall. 

 

“Wait, really?” Joonmyun asks, cocking his head to the side. 

 

“Ugh, you never believe me.” Tao whines, finally taking off his sunglasses. 

 

“Maybe because you wear sunglasses indoors. People who wear sunglasses indoors can’t be trusted.” Baekhyun can’t help but say. It’s not his fault that Tao looks like a straight fool. 

 

It only takes around ten minutes for the rest of the teachers to discover the cress sprouting in the keyboards of their crappy school-issued desktops. The only untouched computer belongs to Kris. Everyone gathers around the couches, exchanging confused looks. Baekhyun notes that Yixing has perfected the “innocently puzzled” face.

 

“Hey,” Baekhyun starts, fighting to keep the smirk off his lips. “What if Kris did this?” 

 

Kris, who is standing a little apart from the group, scowls. “What? Why me?”

 

“Yeah,” Jongdae snickers. “I’m way more suspicious.”

 

“Exactly! And wipe that smile off your face Luhan, the only reason you’re not as suspicious is because you’re too stupid.” Kris snaps.

 

“Hey!” Luhan protests weakly. “I’m not stupid! You’re stupid, stupid!” 

 

“Aw, Lu, you’ve always had a way with words.” 

 

"Shut up, Jongdae, or I'll bend your body like a gymnast."

 

"Ew. That's Joonmyun's job."

 

“Anyway,” Kris continues, ignoring the two of them. “I don’t have time to plant cress seeds in all of the keyboards. I’m the principle. I’m actually busy.”

 

“Yet you have time for loud with Yixing for the sole purpose of pissing me off every night,” Luhan mutters, narrowing his eyes. “If anyone’s vindictive, it’s you.”

 

Tao, as easily baited as ever, flushes red with anger. “Hey, I bet you did this as revenge for the time it happened to you!”

 

“Hold on guys, would Kris really do something like that?” Joonmyun reasons, in an attempt to calm everyone down. “Let’s not jump to conclusions.”

 

“You’re right.” Yixing says calmly. “Let’s just focus on what we could do to fix the situation.”

 

“OH I KNOW! Kris could get us all new computers!” Baekhyun suggests, eyes comically wide. 

 

Chanyeol frowns, staring at the floor. “I feel like I’m supposed to understand what’s going on, but I can’t remember.” he mutters to himself, wandering into the mini kitchen. “Hey, should I start watering my keyboard?”

 

“Hold on, why should I be held responsible? There’s no evidence against me!” Kris protests. 

 

“The proof is in the potatoes, Mr. Wu.” Sehun smirks, crossing his arms. “You’re the only one with a motive.”

 

“Did he mean pudding?” Kyungsoo whispers.

 

“Shhh.” Jongin says, placing a finger over Kyungsoo’s lips. “It’s not worth it.”

 

“Yeah, Kris. Come on, you’re supposed to be the principle or whatever, buy us new computers.”

 

“Yeah, you never do anything nice for us! Buy us new ones.”

 

“It’s the least you can do for pranking us this badly.”

 

Baekhyun raises his eyebrows in grudging acknowledgement of Yixing’s skills. Even though the prank wasn’t necessarily funny or creative, Yixing sure had a way of getting what he wanted. Although, Baekhyun has a grudging suspicion that Yixing only wants the new computers so he can browse reddit at high speed. 

 

“Ugh, shut up! I’ll go ask the school board if it can be worked into this years budget,” Kris snaps, turning on his heel and stalking into his office. “Insufferable lunatics.”

 

Yixing lets out a sigh of relief. “Ah, everything according to plan. Now I’ve just gotta make it up to Kris.” 

 

“And how are you gonna do that?” Chanyeol asks, holding a pitcher of water in his hands. 

 

“Don’t ask him that,” Baekhyun hisses. “We don’t need to hear the explicit details of their life.”

 

Yixing just smirks and waltzes over to Kris’s office, closing the door slowly behind him. Baekhyun heaves a sigh of relief as he hears the click of the lock- whatever went down in that room was not for the common man’s eyes. 

 

Out of the corner of his eye, Baekhyun sees Chanyeol meander over to his cubicle. He doesn't think much of it until he watches, as if in slow motion, Chanyeol dumping the contents of the pitcher all over the keyboard, serene smile on his face. It’s one of those moments where the only thing Baekhyun can do is gape at the blatant display of sheer stupidity. He stands, frozen, watching as the water splashes over the monitor and the keyboard. There is a loud crack of electricity, and then blue sparks begin shooting out of the monitor, accompanied by a tell-tale sizzling noise. 

 

“Chanyeol. Why.” are the only words Baekhyun can muster.

 

“I don’t want the plants to die!”

 

Baekhyun snatches the pitcher. "Just go to class."

---

"Why," Luhan says, banging his head against the table. It's a nice table- long, rectangular,  mahogany with a thin sheet of glass on it. There's a coffee stain about five inches from the center, a chip in the glass a few centimeteres to the right of that. And does Luhan know this? Because he's been here three times in the past week. "WHY, WHY, WHY are we doing this again?" 

 

"Look, Luhan, I am a man of my word. When I set my mind to doing something right, I won't rest until my goal has been accomplished." Joonmyun says. His eyes glint with a steely determination, and he raises his fist in the air. “And today, I WILL ACCOMPLISH MY GOALS.”  

 

“Jongdae, when you said you were giving Joonmyun motivational speeches, I did not think it would go down quite like this.” Yixing whispers. 

 

“I didn’t either.” Jongdae mutters weakly. 

 

Joonmyun clears his throat. “I’m going to keep this one relatively short. From the past two meetings, you lot have demonstrated avery obvious lack of unity and focus. So, I have come up with a solution.” Joonmyun swivels his chair around, and presses a button on the smartboard behind him. A white powerpoint slide with a clipart palm tree in the corner pops up. “Behold, underlings- er- coworkers- my presentation. The Summer Weekend Teacher Getaway!” 

 

“Wooooo!” Jongdae yells, clapping vigorously. “Nice!” 

 

Luhan stares around the otherwise silent room. 10 blank faces. 

 

“Clap.” Kris orders.

 

Luhan forces his hands together, mirroring the actions of his lethargic coworkers. When the weak applause dies down, Joonmyun continues.

 

“Next weekend. We’ll stay at my parent’s beach resort. Expect lots of team bonding activities." He presses another button on the smartboard, and a black slide pops up. There are big white words on it that read: THE END. 

 

"That's it?" Yixing whispers. "That is the whole powerpoint?"

 

---

(A/N): lets just all ignore the fact that it was winter like 2 chapters ago in this story :-) 

this is literally so fun to write and i am living for ur comments!! pls comment if u like, i read all of them