I woke up to the sound of the early birds chipping on the tree in front of my room window.  I got up from bed, still in my work clothes and a weird feeling in the mouth. It was dry and… Urgh! I had slept without brushing my teeth. I must have just passed out and fallen asleep after packing.

I brushed my teeth, showered and ate a simple breakfast consisting of toast, jam and a glass of milk. Another day of packing… Hooray.

After eating, I went to wash up the dishes, but the diary was on the kitchen bench nearby. It was drawing me towards it so I just left the dishes in the sink and walked towards the diary. I picked it up and sat down on the sofa, kicked up my legs and continued to read it in that comfortable position.

The second page was connected to the third, and the pages only had ugly, dark drawings and writing. I had written it after my parent’s funeral- the time I started to struggle with living.

***

It was sunny on the day of the mourning.  ‘How could this word be so cruel to me?’

It was raining on the day of the burying. ‘Shove it in my face now? How considerate of the weather…’

Rain, hail or shine, I wasn’t happy. People came by with their apologies and some people would drop by to help me out or see how I was handling my loss. Even though they did all these because they were worried about me, all I could think was that they were shoving their luck in my face.

I stopped going to school for the next few weeks, and when I returned, the girls who bullied me, became afraid of me. They would say ‘Hey your mom and dad died right? Everyone dies, get over...’ and their words would never be finished due to the Thank you present I punched into their faces or stomach.

The only people that could actually approach me were the teachers and my friends. Not because they could resist my anger, but because I allowed them to.

“Jieun-ah” Baekhyun started. But as soon as he just called my name, I burst into tears. Sehun and Kai immediately sat next to me and hugged me. Baekhyun continued to kneel in front of me with his hand on my shoulder. I looked down at the floor and tried to hide the tears, but no matter how hard I tried, they fell like waterfalls. Even though I didn’t care about anyone else in the world, I didn’t want my friends to worry about someone like me. Suho, D.O and Channie just ed in font, not knowing what to do. Channie handed over a packet of tissues which were all used within a matter of time.

“It’s okay Jieun. It’s okay. Let it all out.” It was Kai this time. He was patting my back as he spoke. I cried harder and harder and by the time I had stopped crying, I had no energy inside of me.

Baekhyun walked me back home and came in without asking. He kept watch over me for the rest of the day. Baekhyun’s parents were working in America so they wouldn’t know if he was home or not. He decided to sleep at my house in case I would do something stupid. I was glad that I at least had Baekhyun since if I didn’t, I would probably have killed myself. When you’re young, you may think that living is pointless, but soon enough, you’ll realise that committing suicide is pretty selfish.

The depression stage lasted for a few months. After I had gotten over it, there was only three months left until graduation. I recovered to my normal self and started to open up again to the people around me, but I was cold- Colder than the usual me.

I had trouble sleeping at night because I was scared of dying. I would always think of my parents death and shiver at the thought of dying.

…

I flipped the page over to find a page covered in writing like: ‘Fighting’, ‘You can do it’ and a load of other words of encouragement. I smiled as I remembered the time I let the guys come to my house after the death of my parents to ‘STUDY’.

…

They came into my room and stared in awe. They wrote in the book and claimed to be ‘Solving a question’.

They stayed at my house for a few more hours. We ordered pizza and no… we didn’t study.

Everyone went home except for Baekhyun who was hiding somewhere in my house. He didn’t appear until I got ready to wash up and go to sleep. When he did, he seemed really high, like a child who had just eaten a year supply of candy. He jumped spined around my living room before bashing into a wall. He fell over laughed before I rushed over to him. I thought he had gone crazy. He had a small cut right at the top of forehead. I looked at the wall to see what he cut it with- a painting.
I pushed his hair back to see the cut and he stopped laughing but groaned in pain. Blood was gushing out of the cut and I went to get the first aid kit. I pulled out an alcohol wipe and wiped the cut and the blood as he winced in pain.

After I finished treating it, I smacked it with my hand and sat back. Baekhyun stared at me and it was silent. I broke it with “Hurry up and go home.”

“No” he said as he smirked.

“Then what will you do?” I asked. He turned his head to the window and looked back at me.

“Are you going to send me home alone in the dark?” he asked as he put his puppy dog eyes on.

“Then are you going to stay here?”

“Of course I will.”

“Stop joking around with me. Go home.”

“AH~ JIEUN-AH! DON’T FORCE ME TO GO HOME THIS LATE! IT’S A SCARY WORLD THESE DAYS!” he crossed his arms across his chest “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT COULD HAPPEN TO ME!” he said as he squinted.

I rolled my eyes and stood up. He grabbed my ankle and sprawled his body across the floor. “AH HA HA~ JIEUNNIE YOU’RE SO MEAN!!! LET ME STAY PLEASE?”

“Jieun-ah. Where do I sleep?” the boy nagged as he trailed me around the house. I walked past a door as I opened it.

“This room.” I said. The room was a guest room. He stopped following me and stood in front of the door. He took a look into the room and ran to me and wrapped his arms around me.

“What now?” I asked.

“Jieun you’ve become so mean! The room is so scary~.”

“How is it scary?”

“TOO BIG!” he said as he burrowed his face into my shoulder.

“Jieun-ah~” he nagged but I ignored him.

“Are you really sleeping?” he asked.

“…”

“JIEUN-AH~” he sat up and nagged.

“WHAT???” I growled as I sat up from my bed. He was sleeping on the floor with a mattress under him, a blanket over him and a pillow behind him.

He chuckled and said “So you weren’t sleeping.”

“How do you think I can sleep when you’re bugging me?” I asked as I crashed back into bed.

“I know that you’re actually scared.” He snickered

“Why would I be scared?” I lied.

“Don’t you think that I would know you after being friends with you for the past 6 years? You’re the type to sleep during a bombing if you’re sleepy.” He reviled.

“…”

“Jieun-ah?”

“I’m scared…” I truthfully told him.

“Of what?” he asked as he shuffled over to my bed.

“I don’t know? Life?”

He giggled and lay back down. I thought I heard “I’ll protect you…” so I sat up to check, but Baekhyun was already lightly snoring…

***

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