I wait impatiently for a bus to arrive. As soon my home route bus comes I get in without even looking around. I don’t want to see that building again; nor Young Saeng. I make myself comfortable on a window seat and stare outside. Streets, buildings and people pass by but everything seems empty in my mind. I’m still feeling that exact moment when he weren’t there when I looked back. It’s like a knife stabbing into me. I don’t know why it hurts this much. I, myself thought that I don’t have any hopes or expectations or any desire for any of this.

      It really is true that your ultimate bias matters to you no matter what role he takes in your life; you’d still yearn for him. My life feels empty; my surrounding feels empty even in the middle of this crowded buses and streets. I wish I could go back in time and just change the whole moment. He won’t see me, I won’t see him; I’d be less hurt.

      I ring the bell as my house gets close. As soon as the bus brakes I get off and run home. I’m worn out as I reach there. I pant outside the door before going in. I don’t want omma to know any of this that happened today. I’ll come up with some lie and avoid this. I knock on the door and omma opens it for me. As soon as I see her huge grin my eyes starts tearing up. Everything seems like they are coming down at me; I can’t even make my omma happy.

      “Ah wasseo? Did you meet him? What did he say?” Omma jumps onto me.

      “I didn’t meet him, he weren’t there” I immediately snap and run inside passing her.

      I stop at my room and lock myself inside it ignoring omma’s voice. I can hear her coming up the stairs shouting my name. I slide myself against the door onto the floor.

      “Sae Rayah! Sae Rayah open the door! Ah waegare open the door!” Omma shouts from outside thumping onto the door.

      I get up and drag myself onto the bed. I throw away my bag and my phone and hug my legs to my chest. Omma keeps thumping onto the door.

      “Ah omma I told you that I didn’t meet him nah! Go away!” I shout from inside.

      “I don’t know what’s wrong with you” Omma says and I hear her leave.

      I sigh. How can I tell her that Saengie doesn’t like this marriage? She’ll be heartbroken! She’s so excited for this. I can’t hurt her; I’ll hurt myself rather than hurting omma. This is the first time I’ve ever seen her so happy. Ah this is all Saengie’s fault! He should have told his parents that he doesn’t want to get married so then omma wouldn’t have kept such high hopes.

      But then again I can’t blame him either; he’s a precious person in my life. He matters to me as much as omma does. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone to talk about this. I’m all alone in this. I just can’t tell the truth to omma. She might probably put the whole blame on me but in the end she’ll be hurt and that’s what going to happen if I tell her.

      Tears roll down my cheeks and I wipe them away. But I can’t stop them. I purse my lips trying to stop myself from crying but I’m breaking down. The emptiness hits me again and I remember how I looked back and saw nothing; how my mind longed to see him. And then my mind forces me to imagine omma’s tears. It all builds up like a painting in front of me and I cry. I cry so hard.

      I keep asking myself why he doesn’t want to get married. What’s wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Is he scared that I’ll leave him? Why did my life turn out to be like this? A few days ago it was so fine and perfect. Past relationships of my life were a mess; some left me because of this obsession I have for Young Saeng. They saw it as a sickness; maybe it really was. Not that I’m blaming YS but… but do I really deserve this? Why did he jump into such a fast conclusion? He should have spent some time with me and then think about it. Maybe… maybe I can really keep him happy?

      Oh my god what am I doing? I should be getting over this now not crying over him. What have you done to me Saengie? I whisper staring at his poster. His eyes are shining like stars and his expression reflects enormous happiness. A slight smile covers the corner of my mouth but it goes away. I curl up on the bed and take off my shoes and throw them onto the floor aggressively.

      “Sae Rahayh! Dad’s friend is here” Omma shouts from outside again.

      Who? What? Omo! This can’t be happening. Oh !

      Young Saeng probably have told him that we met each other and that I stormed out. Oh no! This is going to be a disaster now. I quickly wipe my tears away and push myself in front of the mirror. I adjust my hair and make-up since my mascara has made me into a horror movie. I take a deep breath and open the door.

      “What is wrong with you?” Omma asks in a furious tone as soon as I’m out.

      I stare down saying nothing and then she grabs my wrist and drags me downstairs.

      Dad’s friend comes running to me as we enter the living room.

      “Omo Sae Rayah, genchana? What happened? Where did you go?” He asks.

      “Oh... Joesonghabnida” I whisper looking down.

      “We couldn’t find you anywhere! I just left to fetch myself a coffee but then you were gone! We tried finding through the whole company but none of us could find you” His tone worried.

      None of us? Young Saeng found me! He recognized me! What is he talking about? Wait… Young Saeng haven’t told them? Why?

      Suddenly omma shakes my hand asking for a reply. I snap out my thoughts.

      “I-I got lost. I didn’t know where to go so I came out from the building. I’m sorry I didn’t even have your number so I couldn’t contact you ajhussi” I stutter through my words.

      “Lost? But I showed you the exact room he was in; how did you manage to get lost in that narrow hallway?” His tone turns into a curious one; more like he’s suspicious.

      “I… I thought it was some other room. I went in and no one was there so I thought maybe the person who told us about Young Saeng has lied. So I returned” I stutter again.

      God I don’t know what to do! And why the hell haven’t Young Saeng told him that we met? He should have! Then at least I can say I was scared and ran away. I can’t tell him about the meeting now, not when Saengie haven’t told it himself. He should have had a reason.

      Oh please don’t tell me he hates me! My eyes redden again. Does he hates me that much he didn’t even mention me to ajhussi? Have I done some huge sin my past life? What is this? Why is this happening only to me?

      “Even Young Saeng was searching for you Sae Ra” Ajhussi says.

      “What? He searched for her? Omo!” Omma chimes in with such an enthusiastic tone.

      Oh god when will she stop having hopes?

      “Omma!” I whisper and hit her with my elbow.

      “You should have searched for ajhussi and then go and meet him silly girl! Why did you come home? Are you crazy?” Omma starts scolding me.

      “I was lost! I didn’t know what to do” I say in annoyed tone.

      “You could have waited. Ah you missed the chance to see him” Ajhussi says.

      Missed the chance? Oh yeah I would have been glad if I really did miss it! The chance didn’t do any good to me either.

      “Ah the kimpab I made! What a waste! You careless girl. Why take every decision alone? You should have waited for ajhussi to come and find you. But no, you are the most grown up person on earth eh, so you came home alone. This is not what I expected from you today. I wanted you to meet him, talk with him and agree on this marriage” Omma blabbers again.

      She hits my nerves with the word ‘marriage’. Does she even realize how much Young Ssaeng is trying to ignore that word? But here we have my omma repeating it over and over again like some mantra to me. That word ruined my life! It turned me into a crying, embarrassed wreck. And wow what a good first impression I have to Saengie today. It’s all because of that one word.

      “Stop saying that word!” I shout at omma.

      “What?” She asks back, annoyed and irritated.

      “Marriage; stop saying that. It’s getting on my nerves now” I curl my eyebrows.

      “What? Have you gone mad?” She shakes my arm.

      “Sae Rayah… go to your room. I’ll come up in a moment okay?” Appa pats my shoulder.

      “But…” Omma says but appa raises his hand and silences her.

      I turn to him and he gives me a smile. I slightly nod and leave the living room. But I don’t go up, instead I stop at the staircase and listen to their conversation.

      I’m really good at eavesdropping aren’t I?

      “Why did you ask her to leave? She should be scolded!” Omma shouts.

      “She’s not in a good mood, didn’t you see? Leave the girl alone for a bit” Appa says in a low volume.

      “Maybe she’s upset that she didn’t get to meet him” Ajhussi joins in.

      I clench my fist with the anger. I would have been glad if I didn’t meet him; upset my .

      “I’ll talk to her okay? Don’t scold at her. Poor girl is upset for something” Appa says again and I hear his footsteps.

      I quickly run upstairs and close my room door behind me. I hear appa coming up; I pretend like I’m removing my make-up.

      “Sae Rayah…” Appa says before coming in.

      “Ah appa” I say in a dull tone.

      “Genchana?” He asks and his tone’s utterly worried.

      “Mmm… wae?”

      “Aniya… What happened today?”Appa asks kneeling down beside me.

      “Just… I got lost and then I came home. The company is big so I couldn’t-”

      “Not that fake version you made up to get away from omma! Tell me the truth” Appa cuts my sentence in half.   

      I look up at him with widened eyes. He raises his eyebrows at me and I give him a sad smile. Appa knows I’m upset and that I lied.

      “He doesn’t want to get married” I whisper and my voice breaks.

      “What? Wae?” Appa gets shocked.

      “I don’t know. I heard him talking to Hyun Joong oppa”

      “You met him then?”

      “I’ll get to that” I say looking down.

      “Tell me, what did he say?” Appa asks grasping my hand gently.

      “I heard their conversation. He told to leader that he doesn’t want to get married”

      “To you?” Appa’s tone sounds very worried.

      “To anyone”

      “Why?”

      “I don’t know appa. He told that to leader. I couldn’t hear the reason because appa’s friend came out of nowhere”

      “Where were you when you heard them talking?”

      “In a storage room. They were outside. Appa’s friend told them that I came to the building and then they all went off to find me”

      “How did you meet him?”

      “I got upset because of that conversation so I wanted to run home. Then I bumped into him near a staircase. He recognized me appa! He even called me with my name but he hasn’t told it ajhussi. I don’t know why he didn’t do that. Maybe he hates me”

      “Oh honey, I’m sure he doesn’t. Maybe he just wanted to keep it to himself. I’m really sorry that I can’t stop this whole thing. I know you are not a little bit happy with this. I know you want to keep your line drawn with your bias but you know right that we can’t hurt omma. I don’t want her to have bad memories of your life” Appa tears up.

      My eyes turns raspberry red with his words.

      “Ara appa, ara” I say with tears in my eyes.

      “We can’t hurt her at any cost. She’s not going to be here for a long time you know? We have to do whatever and keep her happy. That’s why I had to ask you to go and meet Young Saeng” He whispers.

      “Hmm… What should I do now?” I ask in a sorrowful tone.

      “Omma will probably arrange another meeting. Please don’t run away then. Ask him directly what the matter is and give this thing a closure”

      “Appa he’s Young Saeng. I don’t think I can talk that comfortably with my bias”

      “Sae Rayah he’s a human! Look at him as a human and talk with him like you talk with me”

      “Appa…” My voice breaks.

      “Sae Rayah jebal. For your omma hmm?” He rubs my hand.

      I slightly nod looking down. Tears keep falling down my cheeks and appa wipes them away. I heavily sigh and he places a kiss on my forehead. A chill goes down my spine as I remember the last time omma was in hospital. I don’t want those memories to come alive again.

      I have to prepare myself and do this for omma. Her happiness matters to me the most. I’ll cross my written boundaries with Young Saeng. I’ll cross them for omma… for omma. 

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I'm sorry for the long hiatus on this novel. I really wasn't in the moment to write it. Very sorry for every single reader, forgive this innocent, cute green pea lol.. and I'm sorry if the chapter is too long and you got bored with it .. 

And Pretties I hope you watched Saengie's Teaser for 'Weak Child'... tsk tsk.. he's so down with something :( The whole album is sorrowful. However gotta support him! ^^

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwVwyRKsQJI&feature=share <- here's the link !