The morning is dull as I wake up. I flash my deadly eyes at the alarm clock and get off the bed. It’s half past ten. I drag my weary self to the washroom to brush my teeth. After I’m done I go down, but as soon as I descend the staircase omma jumps onto me with a lunch box.

      “Ah omma!” I shout with annoyance.

      “I made some kimbap. Remember to take this with you okay?” She hands me the lunch box, no she literally shoves it in my hands.

      “What? Where?” I ask as I’m totally confused.

      “Aigo pabo, when you are going to meet Young Saeng, give this to him. Tell him it’s homemade, he’ll love it”

      “WHAT?” I come to my senses.

      Oh , , . I have to meet him today! Oh I forgot! Oh no, no, no. Oh god just kill me right now! And what’s this kimbap? Oh god can my mom be any stupider? Take him kimbap? Homemade kimbap? What the?

      “Ah omma I can’t take this! He’ll think it’s stupid. I think it’s stupid. I mean who does that?”

      “You do that! Now go take a wash. Dad’s friend will be here soon. Go take a wash! Go!” She pushes me towards the washroom.

      I curse at my own self as I take the wash. I seriously don’t know how I’m going to react when I see him. I’ve never seen him as a arrange marriage groom! He was… he was just Young Saeng; my bias, my crush, my idol. Why my mind does reject this dream of mine which is almost coming true? Why did this very mind which was always having hopes on a love story of mine and Young Saeng doesn’t want it to start even? What has happened to me? It’s like I’m taking it for granted. When you don’t have something you keep running after it but when it starts coming towards yourself, you just ignore it or just don’t even care. I’m an idiot. I like him, I love him; as an idol. Why can’t that go forward? Why can’t it develop and see him as a normal human being? What am I going to do?

      “What are you still doing there? Dad’s friend is here!” Omma shouts outside the bathroom.

      I startle at her words. I have been spacing out for maybe more than an hour. I quickly dry myself. My mind keeps on wanting to back off but something inside me want to see him; maybe that inner fan-girl of mine. Seriously, which Triple S would ever not want to see the members? I can’t count myself weird right now. I just want to see them, all of them. I’m excited but somewhere deep inside I’m really very disappointed that the bias I kept with a line drawn has actually passed it.

      I quickly come out of the washroom and go to my room. My eyebrows fly high as I open my wardrobe. I can’t decide on what to wear. What am I going to wear? Should I wear a casual jean and t-shirt like I do to concerts? Or those fancy dresses I wear to fan-signs? Ah molla…

      I take out all my clothes and try them upon my towel in front of the mirror. The casual clothes feels too simple. Some of my dresses are too colourful. What am I going to wear? Maybe this blouse? Or this denim? Oh c’mon Young Saeng is giving me a hard time right now.

      But then my floral maxi dress catches my eyes. It’s the simplest floral dress I own; at least the ones my mom agreed to let me have. Her taste is the worst! She has turned me into a joker sometimes with her choices. I slowly pick up the dress with blushing cheeks and just simply try it on. Should I wear a jacket over it to cover the straps? Maybe I should just go bare shoulder today. A smile covers my face as I’m actually acting like a shy girlfriend right now who’s getting ready to meet her date. I put on the floral dress; it looks simple and elegant. I’m satisfied with my choice. I put on my silver necklace with the heart pendant. My ears are empty and I don’t care to wear anything on them.

      And now the shoes… okay which one? Wedges? Aniya… It’ll be too much. I should go with my ballet shoes. Yeah, the ballets are nice. I put on my beige colour ballet shoes and grab my handbag. I go in front of the mirror and fix my hair and make-up. Yeah, I look a bit okay. I’m confident enough to go in front of my bias though my reason is the stupidest one ever. Anyway, here I come Saengie! I whisper and tap his poster with my finger. I go out of my room almost trembling with fear and nervousness.

      I go down and dad’s friend greets me. I bow back at him. Omma hands me the damn lunch box. I growl at her and walk to the door with them to head out. Appa calls me from behind. I go up to him.

      “Sae Rayah… We aren’t rushing you. We just want you to come into a decision. Until today you saw him as a celebrity but today you’ll be seeing him as your future husband. Just look at him in that way and decide whether you can put up with this or not. Don’t get uncomfortable with omma forcing you this much okay? Just meet him today and see how it goes. If you are really upset with this kimbap… well it’s pretty silly anyway; then just throw it away without anyone seeing it okay? Or else keep it and eat it by yourself. Don’t be pressured” He says patting my head.

      I feel so calmed down with his words. All my nervousness fades away. I release a sigh of relief as he finishes. I nod at him and plant a soft kiss on his cheek.

      “And you look really beautiful today” He adds.

      I give him a huge grin. Ah… daughters need fathers like this.

      I give a kiss to omma as I leave; it’s a habit I had since childhood. I walk with dad’s friend to his car. My face goes south seeing his old car. That’s a rust can! Ugh meoya igae?

      “Go safe! And give him the kimbap okay?” Omma shouts from behind.

      I give her an annoyed smile and get in.

The car brakes in front of DSP. It’s not a new sight though my intention is new. My heart starts racing again and I breathe heavily to calm it down. The kimbap are still here with me. I can’t throw them away now because dad’s friend might tell omma; she’ll get hurt.

      “Go inside, I’ll come in a second” He says in a soft tone.

      I sigh. I give him a fake smile and get out of the car. If I could I will just run home right now! I really have no courage to walk up to him. I don’t know what to say or how to start the conversation. I can’t just show up in front of him and act like his future bride; he will hate it and he’ll get pissed. I don’t want to make him angry or annoyed. I don’t want to give him a bad impression. What should I do? Maybe I should just go and tell him that I don’t want to do this?

      Yeah… that’s the best thing. Even I’m not in the best mood to marry my bias right now. For the first time I’m not insanely excited to see my idols. I feel guilty inside; a fan shouldn’t be like this. Whatever it is they have to be excited and looking forward to seeing their idols but I’m just neutral. Is the inner fan-girl of mine dying? Is the TS inside me dying? What am I going to do?

      Unknowingly I end up at the entrance of DSP. The guards give me a weird look. Of course! Coming here alone was a terrible idea anyway. Who’s going to believe that I’m Young Saeng’s arrange marriage?

      “She’s with me” Dad’s friend says from behind suddenly.

      I turn to him and give him a slight smile. The guards bow at him and let us in. They know him? What the hell? Is he some celebrity or something? This ‘good for nothing’ friend is treated like an idol here. Bull!

      I go inside of the building. I’ve seen its photos a countless times so it looks familiar to me. My mouth curls into a smile as I feel like I’m the king of the world. I’m inside the DSP; the damn DSP that SS501 belongs to. Suddenly Yuri noona passes by me. I go ‘Oh’ and quickly shut my mouth.  Is this a dream or what? I’ve always seen these people from afar and today they are only inches away from me. No one approaches me and try to throw me away thinking I’m some noisy saseng. I’m free aren’t I? I can roam around DSP without problems?

      I idly wonder how amazing it would be if this thing between Young Saeng and me works out. Wow… Then I’d be unbelievably close with the boys right? Wow… is that even possible? Will I be able to go to their VIP section and waiting rooms at concerts? Their dance practice rooms? Wah… The thoughts make me shiver. A tickling feeling rises inside me. Ah I wonder how jealous the other fans would be with me then. My friends; they’ll hate me probably. The same girls I used to go to concerts and fan-girl together will hate me. They’d probably envy my closeness with the boys. Is it worth it? Losing a huge number of friends and gaining YS? Will he cover up all the spaces? No right? I mean how can a lover fill up the emptiness of friends? Lover?  Did I just say lover? Ugh.

      Maybe this whole thing was wrong like I thought it was from the first place. I didn’t have a single good feeling about this yet I came here. My inner fan-girl is literally ruining my life.

      “Excuse me… Where’s Young Saeng-ssi?” Dads’ friend asks from someone who’s passing by.

      My thoughts get distracted by his words. I clear my throat to push away those weird feelings. I should only be concentrating on how to face him right now.

      “He’s in the upper floor I think; maybe in that room next to that storage” The person says.

      “Oh you mean that old storage room?” Dad’s friend asks.

      “Yes, the abandoned one”

      “Ah de agaesimnida. Kamsahmnida” They bow at each other.

      “Gaja” Dad’s friend says and I follow him.

      We take the stairs instead of the elevator; god knows why. I peek at my handbag which has the kimbap in it. The thought of kimbap makes me dizzy already. That’s a nightmare! I’m not going to give it to him! Huh, never.

      “The room that’s at the very end of this hallway’s left side is the one Young Saengah is in, let’s go” He gently pushes me forward into the hallway.

      I start trembling but I somehow manage to walk forward. My inner fan-girl has faded away. The only person that’s here right now is the one who has gone insane over this sudden arrange marriage with her bias. As I walk forward I look back; dad’s friend ain’t there. Oh ! Did he leave? What am I going to do? He was the only person who could have even killed the awkwardness between me and Young Saeng right? Where the hell did he go?

            I turn around again and face the hallway. I walk forward with trembling and backing off feet. But I got to do this; for omma, for appa. I somehow manage to drag myself near the room. I hear a lot of voices from inside. The first one I recognize is Hyun Joong oppa’s voice. I almost cry with his voice. Oh god Kim Hyun Joong! I perform a tiny little dance in the middle of the hallway just because I heard his voice. But my inner fan-girl pauses as I hear Young Saeng’s. Everything goes silent around me except his voice; it highlights and stands out. My body starts trembling again and my mouth dries out.

      It doesn’t take another second for that voice to get louder; or closer to be exact. Then I hear leader’s voice in the same volume. Are those two coming out of the room? Oh no , , !