Our time together was more than anything that I could ask for. Feeling him close to me, the warmth of his embrace, his soft lips, the smell of his natural scent, things that I have come to love. His irresistible smile that melts my heart, leaving me breathless. His muscular back that I love to hug and to lean on.

Some days when it was sunny, we would walk around the lake in the city. We would hold hands as we walked along the path, talking aimlessly about different things. Some times we would hold hands as we walked through the streets to find different restaurants to eat. He would sit across from me and hold on to my hand, his legs intertwined with mine.

The summer ended and transitioned into fall. I am dreading coming back to work, I did not want this to end. Minwoo and I will be very busy and will not have much time to spend with each other anymore. He has to attend many meetings for his business as well as for Shinhwa and he has to prepare everything for his comeback. I will be acting again. Both of our schedules are very hectic. We don't have a lot of free time and when we do, we are very tired.

It was very difficult transitioning from seeing him every day to seeing him every few days, then it became once every week if we were lucky. It hurt me that we couldn't see each other. I missed him so much, but there was not much that we could do. Some times I was very frustrated and we would get into arguments. Both of us were stressed and tired, some times when our plans to see each other fell through, I would get very sad. I missed him so much and I just wanted to see him. There were many times when I would cry by myself and comfort myself, because he wasn't there. I would come into the studio to bring him some food and spend time with him. I would end up sitting there watching him work, I didn't want to bother him so I would leave. I couldn't help but feel disappointed and lonely at times, which made my frustration grow even more.

Whenever we argued, he would grow really silent and sad. Really hated myself for doing that to him. I would just hold him and comfort him. I would try to make him smile by telling him my lame jokes. Most of the time I was able to control my emotions and feelings, but some times it was very difficult to do and he could see that I was suffering, that being away from him really hurts me. At the end of the day I just wanted him to be happy. Some times I think I am a nuisance in his life, that I am holding him back and making him sad. A few times I've mentioned about taking a break, but he would refuse and would cry. I didn't have the heart to see him cry, so I swallowed my tears and endured the pain the best that I could, to remain by his side. I could not imagine my life without him, just the thought of losing him would break my heart, but I also do not want to be in his way. I am not sure if my heart is able to take it.

Before I knew it Winter was here and it brought with it the rain, snow, and coldness. Everyone was busy doing their own activities. We saw each other occasionally when there were meetings or an activity that we had to attend. We would try to make plans to hang out, but it was difficult to match out schedules. I don't remember when was the last time that I got to be alone with him. We were always surrounded by the members and staff. Like today, we had a photo shoot with the other members. I tried my best to smile and act as I normally would. I stole glances at him, seeing the way he was smiling and playing with the other members made me smile a bit. I can tell that he was tired, he was so busy these days, he was always either in a meeting or in the studio.

After the shoot was over, I hung around the members for a bit as they began to take their leave. I gave Minwoo a long hug, before he left. I told my manager that I wanted to be by myself for a bit, so he could leave and take the car, since the place was not too far from where I lived, so I could just walk home. I put on my coat and beanie, then left the building. As I open the door and stepped out, the cold air hit my face, I pulled my scarf up, so that it would cover the bottom of my face. I began to walk home. Without realizing it, I was thinking about Minwoo. My vision became blurry and I felt the tears falling down my cheeks, I quickly wiped them away with my hands. I don't know why I was crying.

We both grew tired and weary of the situation. It was hard for me to let him go, when I still love him so much. One day he came over to my house with a sad look on his face. I tried to ask him what was wrong, but he didn't say anything. Deep down I knew what was wrong, we both can feel it, the end was coming and we both did not want that. We sat down on the couch and made some small talk, but eventually there was only silence. He walked over to the windows which showed a beautiful view of the city. He had his hands in the pockets of the trousers he was wearing. He stared blankly at the evening view. As I looked at him, sadness and desperation plagued my heart, it was painful, it suffocated me. I walked over to him and hugged him from behind, I whispered that I love him. He replied by caressing my clasped hands. I leaned my head against his back as tears streamed down my cheeks. I tried the best that I could to not let him notice that I was crying. But I knew that I was not the only one.

I got myself together and put on a bright smile, to the best of my ability. I pulled away and turned him around. I wiped away his tears and kissed him. I pulled him to the bathroom and made him wash his face. I made him a quick dinner. I racked my brain for every corny joke that it had, so that I could make him smile and laugh. As he left, I gave him a kiss good night, As I heard his foot steps trail off into the distance, I closed my door and I broke down. I couldn't breath, my heart was in so much pain. The distance between us is unbearable.

It was a gloomy and rainy day when he asked to meet me. As I walked towards him, I could see his cold and empty eyes that pierced through my heart like a thousand needles.

“Hey. What's going on?” I said

“We need to talk. I don't think I can do this any longer. Let's break up.” Minwoo said, with a blank expression

“Minwoo..... But I love you. Why are we breaking up?” I asked, as the pain slowly crept in.

“I.... I don't love you anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. You seem like you would be better off without me. It seems like being with me is giving you a really hard time.” There was a throbbing pain in my chest as I tried to comprehend his words.

“I don't understand. You don't love me anymore? Please Minwoo, I love you so much. I can't be without you, you know this. Please don't leave me. Let's work it out. Please.... I'm begging you.”

“There's nothing to work out. I don't want you anymore. I am sick and tired of this constant battle. I don't love you anymore.” he said with irritation in his voice, looking into the distance,

“Please Minwoo. Just give me one more chance. I promise it will work. I can't lose you. I can't live without you.” I tried to hand onto his arms. Tears began to blur my vision.

“I can't do this anymore Dongwan. I loved you, but now I don't love you anymore.”

He broke away from my touch and walked away, as the rain began to sprinkle down. I felt his arm slip away from my hand, I try to hold on, but there was nothing but emptiness. As I watched him walk away without even turning back, the emptiness consumed my whole body. The sound of his foot steps fainting into silence, as he disappars into the distance. I could not cope with the agonizing pain that is choking me. I couldn't move, I stared into the direction where he disappeared, hoping he would come back, but there was nothing but darkness.

It hit me like thunder that day. My world came crashing down. I could not believe it, I did not want to believe it. The person that I love so dearly, my everything said that he did not love me anymore, that he did not want me anymore. His words linger in my mind, shattering my heart into infinite pieces, like glass unable to be put back together without the visible cracks that now plague it. My mind wander aimlessly, flashing back to what was once happy memories, now they threaten to take my very breathe away, causing this intolerable pain in my chest, suffocating me. Anything would be better than this. Death would be better than this.

I tried calling him many times, but he never picked up. When we were around each other, he would avoid me. He would talk and laugh with the other members, as if everything was okay, like he never loved me at all. That really hurt me. I still love him with all of my heart. I just want to be home and sleep. I don't want to wake up and face this reality. I spent days in my room sleeping, listening to music, crying and drinking. I had no appetite to eat. I did not want anything anymore. I just wanted him. I had no one to blame but myself. I wanted to go back in time and take back everything, I was so stupid and dumb for making him hurt. Why. Why did I have to do that... I try everything to push thoughts of him and us out of my mind, but it was no use. I felt like I was going to go crazy. I wanted to forget everything, I wanted to die and forget all of this, to escape from this pain, from him. I love him, but I was hurting. I hated that I still love him. I hated that I still wanted him. I still can't let him go, some where deep down inside of me believes that he still loves me and will come back to me.

In my drunken stupod, I had adream about him. H was standing in front of me, his hand in my hand. We were in an auditorium, with red seats, we were there alone. He was smiling at me, but then it tirned into a cold expression. His hand sliped away from mine, as he walked away. I tried to scream and yell and run after im, but my body was frozen. Nothing but silence. I woke up in a old sweat, tears flooded my face. I broke down and cried until I was too tired and fell asleep again.