NB: THE SONG IN THIS STORY IS TAYLOR SWIFT'S SONG. i HAVE CHANGED SOME OF THE LYRICS BUT THE SONG IS TAYLOR'S.  It's called Ronan and she wrote it about a four year old boy she met who had cancer.  It's,,, kind of really heartbreaking.

For a week Dara lived in bliss.  She had lived for almost three months not knowing whether Seunghyun was alive or dead.  Finding out he was alive when he had strode into YG building had resulted in such a release of tension that Dara spent almost an entire day in tears.  Seunghyun had been very tender and his own desperate relief to be back with her had been so cathartic she had recovered relatively quickly.  The second night Seunghyun had taken her wedding ring off and taken her away to their own secret spot on the roof of YG building.  On one knee he had repeated the same vows he had said on their wedding day.  The starlight glinting off her ring reflected the shining tears in Dara’s eyes.  When he finally slipped the ring back on her finger she had fallen against him laughing and crying at the same time.  Never had Dara felt so glad to have that band of metal snug around her finger. 

So many other families were still dealing with unbelievable trauma and Dara struggled with guilt.  Nightmares had started haunting her dreams again and five days after Seunghyun returned home he took Dara to the beach for two nights.  They had walked the sand and at night Seunghyun clasped Dara in his arms and murmured endearments into her ear until she fell asleep.  It reminded Dara of the last part of their honeymoon and she loved the new intimacy between her and Seunghyun.  The added joy of a third person in their little family made Dara incoherent with happiness.  Seunghyun talked quantities of beautiful loving nonsense to their unborn child and Dara laughed until she fell against him, tears of sheer bliss in her eyes.  Although Dara didn’t know it, Seunghyung spent a large amount of time simply watching her.  In the time when he thought his eyes would see only dying and death before closing forever he had longed to see Dara once more.  Now she was near him again and he never tired of watching her.  Especially he loved watching her fingers toy absent mindedly with the wedding ring on her finger.  It was the only piece of jewellery she wore now and Seunghyun felt fierce, unreasonable pride about that fact.

It was the night before they had to leave the beach and Seunghyun cooked dinner.  Dara had been tired all day and Seunghyun was worried about her.  His concern translated itself into gallantry so insistent it was almost clumsy.  Dara giggled then shrieked when he swung her into his arms and carried her up the three steps to their beach cabin.  Standing inside the doorway Seunghyun laughed at his wife and she could feel his grip shaking precariously as he chuckled.  Half laughing, half afraid in case he dropped her, Dara held onto him then froze when he kissed her nose.  Glancing up, she saw him still laughing, good-natured fun in his gesture.  His easy love and trust still shocked Dara.  She was thankful to be carrying his child.    

A little later Seunghyun found Dara bending over to pick something up off the floor.  Rushing forward, Seunghyun helped her straighten and warned her not to bend over again.  Laughing at him Dara allowed him to lead her across the lounge room.  They watched a movie while they ate Seunghyun’s dinner and finally curled up right there on the lounge to sleep.  Dara woke several times during the night and finally moved back to the bed before dawn.  Seunghyun tiptoed after her an hour later and found her still awake with an aching back. 

“I think it’s just from sleeping on the lounge.” Replied Dara to his concern and Seunghyun slid in beside her with a sigh of refreshed relaxation.

“Tomorrow night we’ll be back in our own house.”  He rumbled softly and Dara let one hand rest on his chest to feel the sensation of his chest moving as he spoke.  Seunghyun chuckled at her and Dara giggled as his chest vibrated harder against her hand.  Pulling her gently onto her side, facing him Suenghyun put one hand over her back, rubbing it firmly.  Dara mumbled something unintelligible then went to sleep, secure in the arms of her husband. 

Next day Seunghyun was unloading the car while Dara stood around and chatted.  Suddenly Dara stopped talking.  Seunghyun looked up and noticed her hands moving uneasily to her stomach.  Putting down the suitcase he was holding Seunghyun reached to cover her hands with his. 

“Are you alright Jagi?”

“N…nae.”  Replied his wife uncertainly and Seunghyun chewed one lip for a moment. 

“Do you need to go to the hospital?”

“Anniyo.  The baby isn’t due for another week.”  Dara stepped forward to hug Seunghyun.  “I don’t want to go just yet, I want to be with you.  Three months is a long time Seunghyun-ah.”

Reminded once more of how long he had been held away from Dara, Seunghyun returned the hug.  For several minutes they forgot about the car as Seunghyun rubbed his cheek against her hair while both of them felt the sun seep into their hearts.  Finally Dara pushed away with a quick sigh.  Both hands dropping down onto her arms Seunghyun looked at her for a moment then leaned forward and pressed his lips against the space between her eyebrows.

“God grant that I’ll never have to spend long away from you ever again Jagiya.”  He whispered, voice husky and shaking with the depth of his feeling.  Dara soaked in his earnestness then watched as he turned back to the car.

Seunghyun finished unpacking and went to the studio for a couple of hours.  When he came back Dara had coffee and a chocolate slice waiting for him on the balcony.  Seunghyun embraced her carefully, leaning down to kiss her. 

“I don’t understand how I could ever have felt happy before I married you Jagiya.” 

“Your coffee will be cold.”  Replied Dara and Seunghyun laughed before kissing her quickly on her nose.

Stretched out in his chair, watching the city bathed in late afternoon sun Seunghyun heard Dara’s ideas for baby room decorations and smiled benignly.  Dara’s sentence broke off as she caught her breath.  Seunghyun looked over and saw her face creased in puzzlement.  Once again her hands were over her waist and Seunghyun put his coffee mug back on the table.  Dara lifted her hands and looked at him.

“I… don’t know what it was…”  She stated.  Seunghyun opened his mouth then shut it again as Dara clapped both hands back over her stomach, twisting sideways as a quick grimace of pain passed through her. 

“Dara, what’s wrong?”  There was more urgency in Seunghyun’s voice.  He was on the edge of his seat staring at her.

“I don’t know…”  Dara’s voice was hesitant.  There was silence for a few seconds then Dara bent double in her chair slipping from the chair onto her knees.  Seunghyun’s chair skittered back and hit the apartment wall as he stood abruptly.   The pain subsided and Dara staggered to her feet.  From habit her panicked gaze lifted straight to Seunghyun’s, seeking reassurance and pleading unconsciously for help out of this problem whatever it was.  Before Seunghyun could react to the look, Dara was bending over the table groaning in pain.  Suddenly desperate Seunghyun fumbled for his mobile, reaching for Dara at the same time.  She gripped his arm, leaning on him heavily as he yelled at the service woman for an ambulance now.

Dropping his phone Seunghyun held Dara as her knees buckled and she slipped onto the concrete gasping short and hard.  Seunghyun’s hands started to shake as he heard Dara cry out then clamp her lips together over the sound.  Dizziness blanked Dara’s mind as she gripped her husband, writhing in agony at the contractions wracking her.  She was unaware of the short scream that left before blackness fell over her vision and Seunghyun stared in horror at the unconscious woman in his arms.  Glancing down he saw blood on the concrete and felt new panic wash over him.  Afraid to move Dara again, he used one foot to drag his phone within reaching distance and was about to ring the ambulance again when they banged on his door.  Yelling for them to come in, Seunghyun looked around and realised they hadn’t waited for his invitation.  Falling onto their knees beside him, the three medics began assessment and treatment of Dara as though Seunghyun didn’t exist.  Never had Seunghyun been so thankful for professional speed and assurance.  Suddenly the rest of BigBang were around him as Dara was loaded carefully into the ambulance then he was in a car with Daesung and YoungBae.  JiYong and Seungri were comforting Bom and Minzy.  Bom was already in tears.

A few hours later Daesung stood up as the doctor walked into the waiting room.  One hand drifted onto Seunghyun’s shoulder to clasp it one last time.

“I’ll be outside if you need me.”  Said Daesung simply then left so the doctor could talk to Seunghyun.

“Is she alive?”  It was the only thought Seunghyun could force through his brain and lips.

“Yees.” Replied the doctor carefully.  “If she hadn’t gotten here when she did maybe she wouldn’t have lived but she is very much alive now.”  He paused, still poised to talk.  Seunghyun’s shoulders which had sagged in relief on hearing that Dara was alive, now tensed again.

“Seunghyun-ssi, your wife has suffered a miscarriage.  I… I’m sorry.  The baby… is dead.  I’m truly sorry.”

White and weak in the hospital bed, Dara clung to Seunghyun as he bent and wrapped both arms around her.

“Seunghyun-ah? Mianhae....”  She whispered shakily and Seunghyun’s fingers pressed harder into her back.

“It’s not your fault Jagiya.”  He replied firmly, voice breaking with force. Dara didn’t answer but he could feel her continued trembling against him.  Finally Seunghyun straightened and asked the doctor if he would release Dara.  They compromised on Dara staying until morning.  For those few hours the two figures sat silently; one reclined in the hospital bed, one in the chair beside it.  Seunghyun held Dara’s hand in both of his, clasping it, chafing it within his own.  Her hand was so cold.  He knew she was shivering and longed to hold her in his arms again but he couldn’t without climbing into the hospital bed with her.  At dawn they were walking out to Seunghyun’s car.

The drive was frightening for Seunghyun.  Dara was so pale and still.  After those two broken words, she hadn’t spoken to him.  Wondering if she was angry with him, Seunghyun didn’t dare say anything.  Supporting her as she walked, he opened the door and let Dara push away from him to walk inside.  Dara saw the open door into the room that would have belonged to their child and dissolved.  Surprised at the sudden outburst, Seunghyun jumped forward and caught Dara as she collapsed sobbing.  Sitting on the floor with Dara in his lap, Seunghyun wrapped both arms around her, cuddling and rocking her slightly as she cried body-wracking sobs.

“Why Seunghyun?  Why? What did I do? How come he’s dead?  He was the son you wanted.  He was the only thing I could give you.  He’s dead.  Why?”  Dara’s agonised questions gradually became more forceful.  Wrenching herself away from Seunghyun Dara let agony push her onto her knees facing him as she screamed.  “Why did he die?  Seunghyun! Why? What did I do wrong?”  Her anger dissolved in exhaustion and grief.  Covering her face with both hands Dara put her face down onto her knees and slowly rolled over onto the floor, sobs heaving from her.  Seunghyun crawled over and curled himself around her, pulling her against him so he could hug her again.  Gradually tears started to fill his eyes and soon Dara became aware of another sound above her own tears.  Seunghyun’s whole body was shaking from the force of the hoarse sobs wracking him.  holding her breath for a moment Dara realised that Seunghyun’s face was buried in her shoulder while he cried and somehow his grief made Dara feel worse.  Locked together on the floor of their apartment, in the doorway of their son’s bedroom, husband and wife cried until they had to stop from sheer exhaustion.  Finally Dara feel into an exhausted sleep while Seunghyun continued to hold her, letting tears slip down onto her hair.  Gradually Seunghyun managed to doze as well.  He awoke to Dara crying quietly in her sleep.  Gently Seunghyun turned her over to face him and felt saddened at the terrible hurt on his wife’s face.  She still looked like a child and in a lot of ways was still very childlike.  The nightmare on her face hurt Seunghyun even more than his own grief as he pressed his lips against her forehead. Dara started awake then pressed closer to him sniffling pitifully.

Next afternoon, a small group of YG family and the families of Dara and Seunghyun stood around the horribly small grave while the tiny white coffin was lowered slowly into the ground.  After those first few hours of complete break-down, Dara hadn’t cried again.  She had moved and breathed in a stiff swathe of impenetrable emptiness.   But now, her firstborn, her first sight of a new world and life was disappearing.  Seunghyn’s arms were around her but his embrace felt cold and loose without their son in the circle of love as well.  She had dreamed so much.  She had loved this tiny human with so much of her being.  And he had died.  Cheek pressed against Seunghyun’s chest, Dara cried.  Each slow burning tear that fell from her eyelashes, each quiet sob slipping from her body, was another inch further away from her son.  Each inch was another memory, never made, lost forever.  Another precious moment she would never have, another reason to fall in love with her son that she would never experience.  Dara turned her face into Seunghyun’s shirt in silent agony, unable to remain still under the painful weight of her thoughts. 

Seunghyun stood completely still as he held his wife, one hand moving up and down her back.  His eyes were fixed on the coffin of his firstborn, stillborn son as it slipped away from him.  Seunghyun had never touched his son alive.  In the hospital room before he had been taken away to be dressed for burying, Seunghyun had held his son for the first and last time.  Standing there before that moving coffin, Seunghyun remembered the feel of such a tiny fragile weight in his arms.  The baby had been curled lifelessly in his father’s arms but Seunghyun could almost imagine him curled the same way in sleep, tucked in sweet oblivion, trusting completely in the arms holding him.  But his son was dead.  The light covering of black hair would never grow, the perfectly formed fingers would never reach out for Seunghyun’s hand, and the wide, fathomless black eyes would never open and study his father.  Would Seunghyun have one day seen his son look to him, eyes lighting up in joyful recognition?  That chance was gone now.  Would his song have liked music?  Would his son have had a laugh like Dara’s?  Seunghyun put his face down on Dara’s hair, his face crumpling in grief.  Daesung laid one arm across his shoulder, wracked with helpless sympathy.

After all the necessary people had finally stopped talking and gone home, Seunghyun and Dara stayed a little while longer, mercifully alone before the dark hole of death.  Then they left, going back to a home which didn’t seem much better.  At the steps of the apartment Dara stopped, staring at the masses of flowers heaped over their doorstep.  Behind her Seunghyun paused too, then stared in amazement as Dara bent, picked up as many flowers as she could hold in two arms and threw them savagely into the trash can beside the steps. Then she walked inside.  That flame of sudden anger had drained her completely.  After the man her, Dara had wanted to die from shame.  Now she wanted to die and escape the crushing burden of anguished loss burning through her heart.  She stood at the doorway of her son’s bedroom for a moment then found herself slipping inside, as if drawn by an irresistible force.  Squashing into the space between the cot and wall Dara reached for the only teddy bear they had bought their son.  It was all still so unbelievable.  Dara stared at the teddy bear until her vision blurred.  Slowly she let one hand drop onto her stomach.  It was not quite diminished to her old slimness yet but definitely flattened.  That was as it should be.  But where was the melting bundle of love in their house?  Could her child, this child she dreamed of and long for so much, really be dead?  Would her arms, now so hungry and empty, never hold this child?  Could it be possible that she had let the thing she prized most next to Seunghyun slip from her protection?  After so many years of taking from Seunghyun she had taken this as well.  His own son and she couldn’t even care for him.  Dara’s mental anguish was so acute she could almost feel the physical pain of her miscarriage all over again.  She knew how much Seunghyun loved his son.  She had felt his love through her own body and heard his whispered love to the son they had been so thrilled for.  But she had lost their son.  Seunghyun walked past the door then froze as he saw his wife, arms wrapped tightly around her legs as she pressed her forehead against her knees.  She was crying silently, feeling utterly crushed.  Silently Seunghyun crossed the floor, treading carefully as he would in a church, and lowered himself onto the floor in front of her. Reaching out he felt her flinch as he began her hair. 

“Dara, jagiya, come here so I can hold you.” 

She didn’t move. 

“Seunghyun. How could I have lost him?  He was your firstborn son.  I was so thrilled to be able to give him to you.  You loved him so much Seunghyun.  All the years you’ve given to me I could finally, give you something… but I lost him.

 “You didn’t lose him Jagiya.  It’s just… something that happened.  It’s happened to thousands of other women.  It wasn’t your fault Dara.  Dara, I love you Jagiya.  Yes I loved him, in a different way to anyone else I’ve ever known but you are my strong, sweet Dara and I love you like no other.”

He reached forward, picking her up like a child and pulling her against him.  Dara rested limply on his arm for a minute then pulled away from him to curl up on the floor with the teddy bear and cry out her deep incredulous guilt.  The sheer fact of what had happened was still splitting her heart into fragments.  Seunghyun watched her helplessly then reached out to fit his hand around her face once more, letting his fingers move over the grief etched in her face.  Then he stood and stumbled out of the room. 

Striding into the one spare bedroom in the apartment Seunghyun looked around, bewildered.  On one wall was the closet where Dara had been keeping the “dream clothes”. All the cute, irresistible baby clothes she had bought before and after she had become pregnant.  Some clothes were not new but much loved hand-me-downs given by both sides of their families.  Seunghyun walked across the room to it and opened the door.  Mesmerised he stared past the contents of the cupboard into a world far darker than the timber before him.  Stepping slowly into the wardrobe, Seunghyun buried his face deep in an armful of baby clothes.  The soft colours and materials caressed his face and stung his heart.  They represented his child, his son, his future.  But now his future had suddenly become his past.

“My son, my firstborn son.  My little boy that I’ll never know.”  His voice broke and Seunghyun slowly dropped onto his knees, held between the timber walls on either side of him.  Against his face he could smell the clean new scent of clothes his son should be wearing.  His son had been buried in a simply jump suit.  The clothes would rot with his son under the earth.  In a coffin. His son.  His first hopes for such a future.  Dara’s words rang in his mind and Seunghyun groaned into the fabric pressed against his face.

He didn’t know how long he had been kneeling there, lost in grief when Daesung’s hand clasped his shoulder.  The younger man’s vision blurred as Seunghyun looked at him and stammered,

“I can’t deal with it Daesung.  She blames herself, she thinks it’s her fault; that she couldn’t even take care of him.  She wanted to give me a child, our child.  And now that child is dead.  Daesung what do I do?  Of course I don’t blame her but it hurts so much.  He’s still dead even though it isn’t her fault.” 

Daesung crouched beside the cupboard and held his older brother as tears of sympathy and shared pain slid down his own face.  For some time he stayed in the empty room with his hyung while Seunghyun cried out his confusion and loss.  When he was finally exhausted beyond speech, Seunghyun was almost too hoarse to speak but his eyes were no longer quite so tormented.  They had dimmed to dull suffering.  With a last groan that seemed to reach from the depths of his shredded heart, Seunghyun stood up and Daesung left again.

When Seunghyun looked into their son’s bedroom again, Dara had fallen asleephere she lay curled on the floor.  Once more Seunghyun picked her up and carried her into their bedroom, putting her on the bed then sliding onto it next to her.  For a moment he looked at her, taking in the sadness depicted on her features, even in sleep.  She looked so fragile.  One of his fingers traced the curve of her cheek and Dara’s mouth twitched slightly.  When would he see his wife smile again?  Seunghyun put his head on the pillow gently, more helplessness weighing him down.  Dara rolled over, whimpering as loss invaded even the exhausted sleep she was wrapped in.  Cupping her face, Seunghyun felt her draw closer, one hand going out unconsciously to wrap into his shirt.  The two grieving parents slept, mercifully oblivious for a few hours.

At sunset they both woke and with common consent drew closer to each other, Seunghyun reaching to wrap both arms around Dara as she pressed close to him.  Neither of them wanted to face reality so they stayed curled together as the sun cast crimson splendour into their room.  Somehow the violence of God’s creation soothed them with its raw beauty.  The last wave of golden sunlight began to glimmer and fade, leaving great rosy behind blue purple clouds.  Dara drew a deep shuddering breath in Seunghyun’s arms then said shakily, “I don’t want to live Seunghyun.  I can’t anymore.  It hurts too much.”

Seunghyun’s arms tightened slightly.  When he answered his voice was deeply even, strengthening Dara despite the sudden panic he was feeling.  “Please don’t leave me Dara jagiya.  I couldn’t bear to lose both people I love most in the world.  Dara; please, do you love me enough to stay for me?”

He could tell she was crying again, dragging sobs of horribly reluctant release and desperate, rending love.  “Nae.  Only for you Seunghyun. I’ll stay as long as you want me but I wish you didn’t.  I just want to go with him.  Seunghyun, I want to hold my baby and feel him breathe, see him laugh, hear him giggle at me when I do something funny.”

“Don’t Dara…”  Seunghyun’s arms had tightened more and his chin was rubbing on her hair.  “Please Jagiya, I’m sorry for being so selfish Dara, if I could, I’d do anything to give him back to you.  If dying would bring him back I’d be dead so you could have him back again already.  Dara I’m sorry, but please stay, I need you Jagiya, I love you.”

“I couldn’t live without you either Seunghyun.  I’m sorry.”

It was a truce.  They stayed there all night, spending less time in sleep than tears.  Their newest, binding love of a child was gone, never to return.  But their love for each other would lash them together roughly, harshly, desperately, until finally light would begin to filter through their darkness of grief.  Together they had fought through darkness before.  Maybe if they faced this darkness together, they’d make it out alive.

Bending down before the small white gravestone, Seunghyun stared at the name engraved.   Choi YongMin.  They had decided to name their son after Seunghyun’s father, now passed away for almost twenty years.  Silently Seunghyun placed the teddy bear beside the gravestone and moved him slightly so it was placed right.  Then he was still once more, staring through the biting tears that still burned his throat and struggling with an unreasonable amount of tears.  He would not come here again unless Dara asked him too.  For long days after losing their son Seunghyun had been helpless to stop Dara drifting away from him.  They had stood a foot apart and cried alone, unable to touch the other person.  Then one night Dara had simply sunk onto her knees in the kitchen and reaching up to Seunghyun had sobbed out,

“Seunghyun I feel like I'm a huge dark room and I can't get out.  You rescued me before; please, please rescue me again.”

He had let her cling to him, thankful beyond words to hold her again.  Things had been slightly better after that.  At least they could share the grief.  There was more than enough to share.

After finding out Dara was pregnant for the second time, Seunghyun had made a conscious decision.  His first son would forever hold a fiercely guarded place in his heart, but he would not grieve so fully anymore.  Only that morning Dara had clung to him, crying so hard Seunghyun had been frightened.  Terrified of losing her second child, Dara leaned more heavily on Seunghyun than she ever had.  She would not see him wounded and breaking.  She would have his strength to lean on.  Shoulders heaving, Seunghyun took the card out of his pocket, unfolded it and tacked it to the gravestone.  For the last time Seunghyun let himself crumble under the terrible pain of his lost son.  One hand rubbing over the engraved lettering, Seunghyun murmured the words on the card, words he had written from the depths of his grief overwhelmed heart the night after Dara’s miscarriage.

I’ll imagine your bare feet down the hallway
I’ll imagine your little laugh
Race cars on the kitchen floor, plastic dinosaurs
I love you to the moon and back

I’ll imagine your dark eyes looking into mine
Like we have our own secret club
I’ll imagine you dancing before bed time
Then jumping on me, waking me up

I held your fingers in my hand, little man
And in that moment I knew
You fought death like a soldier
But it still won, but I still whispered to you

Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here
You were my best nine months

I remember the drive home
When the blind hope turned to crying and screaming "Why?"
Flowers pile up in the worst way, no one knows what to say
About a beautiful boy who died

And it's almost to your birthday
we could do anything you wanted if you were still here
I remember that worst day when I kissed your face
And whispered in your ear

Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room in this hospital grey, we'll just disappear
Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here
You were my best nine months

What if I'm standing in the closet trying to talk to you?
What if I kept the hand me downs you won’t grow into?
And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through?
What if the miracle was even getting one moment with you?

Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here
Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here
You were my best nine months

I’ll imagine your bare feet down the hallway
I love you to the moon and back

When he stood his face was resolute.  For one more moment he stared at his son’s grave.  Pain washed his features, curling his lips in agony and stinging his eyes with last desperate tears.  Then a deeper, calmer emptiness settled over it.  His wife needed him and Seunghyun loved her too much to give up.

Dara met him at the door and Seunghyun put his arms around her and kissed her forehead.  “I love you Jagiya and I love our child; our children.  Both of them.”

Dara held his gaze, tears making her eyes shine.  Her fingers were pressing lightly on her wedding ring, turning it slightly on her finger.  Finally she nodded, biting her lip and blinking away the tears.  “I love you too Seunghyun.”  She replied and put her face down against his chest before her voice could start trembling.  They stood there in the doorway, sun caressing them as Seunghyun rocked his wife gently.  It was the first step.

Sooo... I Was supposed to be writing other fanfics but this idea kept on coming back and tabisan is such good guinea pigs for all my angsty imaginings.  I actually wrote a different one befoer this but this had to be written as well.  I'm not perfectly happy with this one so please let me know what you think :)

thank you all for reading and THANK YOU to new subscribers!!!  gahhh, thank you guys so much :')