Greetings! :D I know it's been a while but I've been toying with this story on and off and last night at 2 am I finally decided to finish it.  it is a sequel to Guaranteed protection (which now I come to think about it sounds like an advertisment for something I really would rather not advertise.) ANYWAY< I got the idea from a song by some band called Savage Gardens (I've never listened to them before) and their song is called Take you to the moon and back or something like that.  Anyway, from that came this. hope its ok.  ANYONE ELSE THRILLED ABOUT CRUSH?????

Seunghyun and Dara walked onto the plane, hands wrapped together.  At their seat Seunghyun stopped and waited for Dara to move into the window seat ahead of him.  Glancing back at him with a beatific smile that spread shyly across her face and lit her eyes Dara perched on the seat and watched Seunghyun sit beside her.  As soon as he was comfortable she moved to lean against him, her face going down on his chest with a happy sigh.  Seunghyun’s arm went naturally to rest across her back, his hand tracing absentminded patterns over her T-shirt.  His other hand came across to play gently with the cur of hair falling across her face.  For a few moments there was silence then he flicked the hair aside and let his fingers gently brush over her cheek to fit around her face as he lifted it so she could meet his eyes.  “I love you Mrs Choi.”  He felt the movement of Dara’s skin tickle the palm of his hand as she smiled, dropping her eyes. 

“I love you too Mr Choi.”  Her voice was shy and when she once again raised her gaze to Seunghyun again he was surprised to see tears shining in them.  “Seunghyun, I never knew I would feel this happy.  I… shouldn’t be this happy.”  Her eyes had dropped again as shame filled her voice.  Seunghyun’s fingers pressed slightly harder on her face without him realising.

“Why shouldn’t you be this happy?”  Dara heard steel behind the deceptively lazy rumble of his voice and thrilled to it even as more shame curled over her.  He shouldn’t have to be defending her to anyone, let alone herself.  The last thing Dara wanted was to become so desperately dependant on Seunghyun’s affirmation of her that he grew tired of her.  But at the same time Dara felt she would die if she didn’t have his love.  In the few months between that memorable afternoon in the hospital and their wedding, Dara grew so accustomed to having Seunghyun constantly with her and so ever ready to hold and comfort her that when she was finally able to hug him again after their wedding, she had almost cried with the released tension of not being able to hold him all day.

“You know why Seunghyun.”  A sigh heaved from him and Dara pushed away, fighting sudden fear.  Seunghyun’s patience could not be infinite no matter how many times he had proved it never ending.  Facing out the window Dar wished for the thousandth time she could just be completely clean.  Then Seungyun’s arms slid around her waist and Seunghyun’s chin was resting on her shoulder while she felt his jaw move when he spoke against her cheek.

“Dara, jagiya, I love you.  I don’t care what happened to you before.  It wasn’t your fault.  It was his fault and I swear if I ever meet him I will commit murder.  But none of that matters.  You are my wife and I love you.  Do you believe that?” 

Dara’s body relaxed against him.  Only Seunghyun would have the endurance to ask such a question of the woman who had promised before God and witnesses to marry him only a short several hours ago.  “I love you Seunghyun.”  It was all she could say.  She couldn’t describe the throat tightening relief she felt at his acceptance of her flaws, or the deep breathtaking love she felt for this good man who was so determined to love such a broken, useless person as Dara. 

“So.”  Seunghyun was rubbing his chin back and forwards over Dara’s shoulder blade while his hands caressed hers gently.  Dara sat in peaceful enjoyment when his voice entered her ears.  “Tell me about your day.”

She shifted in his embrace just enough to glance at him quizzically.  Seunghyun bent to kiss her quickly on the nose then grinned at her.  His lopsided, uncertain mischief he used whenever he was doing something that he perhaps shouldn’t be, showing in the dimples indenting his face.  Dara felt her face going hot and let her body fall back against the bracing strength of Seunghyun’s chest. 

“Well… Actually I don’t think I can remember anything about it.”  She felt Seunghyun’s chuckle leave his chest and smiled at it.  It was true though; Dara had gone through her wedding day in a daze of wondering joy that left her in her current state of exhausted emotion swings.  Gradually bits and pieces came floating back into her mind and as Seunghyun slowly soothed her to sleep she let the memories spill from until she was fully asleep against him.  Seunghyun sat back so he could lay Dara across his lip and cradle her head in his hands.  Over the past several months and before, Seunghyun had never really noticed Dara’s physical beauty.  He had been too busy falling in love with her personality and all he saw was an exquisitely natured girl who had far too much hurt in her life.  Her strength, resilient humour and gentle personality had drawn him; just as her unconscious pleading for protection had also drawn him.   Now looking down at her oblivious face Seunghyun noticed the curves in her face, the small smile lines around her face.  He paused at those smile lines, marvelling that someone with such an unhappy past could still have permanent markings to signify their constant smiling.  He touched one gently and watched that side of her face scrunch in her sleep.  Smiling down at his sleeping wife Seunghyun lifted his eyes to the window as his smile faded.  His wife.  For longer than he wanted to think about he had worked to prove to Dara that she could trust him.  For Seunghyun there was no higher goal in life than to know the slight piece of beautiful humanity called Sandara could feel safe enough in his presence to go to sleep on his knees.  Now the goal was reached and Seunghyun stared out at the clouds and saw, stretching before him a rosy future of making Dara see herself as he saw her.  Once more he leaned over the girl on his lap and whispered softly, pleading with his oblivious wife.

“I loved you and I love you and I will love you.  Let my love free you from your past, let me take you away; Dara, let me take you to the moon and back.”

When they reached the cabin on the beach they had rented for three weeks, there was some time of joyous confusion as Dara explored the whole house, dragging Seunghyun behind her and exclaiming over everything.  Seunghyun let his fingers latch around hers and followed her with little prompting.  Her little girl excitement was more exciting for him than any house could ever be.  To see Dara with that innocent glow on her face and the happy chatter pouring from her lips made Seunghyun almost as happy as he had been when he heard Dara say “I do” and felt her lips meet his.  Finally Dara wore herself out and Seunghyun pulled her down on the lounge beside him.  Opening his laptop he went to check the news while Dara leaned against him happily, still talking.  Then a headline caught her eye and leaning forward she brushed under Seunghyun’s hand to click on it.  “Old acquaintance discusses K-Pop celebrity, Park Sandara’s marriage.”  There was an image of a middle aged man who wasn’t quite smiling when the picture had been taken of him.  Seunghyun scanned the words disinterestedly then, waiting for Dara to scroll down, glanced sideways at her.  He was not prepared to see the horror on her face; nor, when she lifted her hand to brush her hair off her face was he prepared to see the tremble in it. 

“Jagiya…”  He reached to place his hand on her back then lifted it when Dara’s back arched instantly away from his touch.  For interminable seconds there was silence.  Dara framed her face with both hands, blocking Seunghyun from her vision as she continued reading the article.  Seunghyun wasn’t sure if she was even aware of his presence anymore.  Other than that reaction to his touch, she had not spoken or moved at all. 

“Dara…” He tried again and again he received no response.  Finally she reached the end and Seunghyun watched her hands tilt as she dropped her gaze to the floor. Leaning over, Seunghyun removed the laptop, shoved the coffee table away and knelt in front of Dara, forcing her to acknowledge his presence.  “Dara?  Jagiaya, look at me.”  Gradually her eyes focused on him and again Seunghyun was shocked at the vulnerability and terrified agony he saw in Dara’s wide brown eyes.  Slowly, giving her plenty of time to understand what he was going to do, he moved forward so he could gather her off the lounge and into his arms.  Dara submitted rather than returned his embrace and Seunghyun could feel tension radiating from her body.  He bit back a sigh.  For those few months, life had been bliss.  Dara had been free from the nightmare which used to hold her so painfully apart from him.  The wall that had been impenetrable around Dara for so many years had fallen down for Seunghyun.  It appeared that had now returned.  Well, if he had to win her trust all over again, so be it.  Seunghyun let the curve of his throat rest gently against Dara’s head and said softly, “Talk to me Dara-ya.”

“I can’t.”  Her voice was a choked whisper. “I thought… I was free Seunghyun.  But I guess I was stupid.  I’m sorry.  I’ll never be free.  He owns me.  He knows it.”  A convulsive shudder ran through her.  “I’m filthy Seunghyun.  Everything… is still there.  Reading that article, I can feel everything, every place he touched me, everything he did to me, it’s still there, defiling me.  I feel like, a bird that was in a cage then was set free by someone and was just beginning to learn how to fly when all of a sudden the cage closed around it again.”  She was trembling now, Seunghyun could feel it but she was not crying.  Seunghyun didn’t know whether her lack of tears was a good thing or a bad thing.  For a moment his heart had lightened when Dara described him as the person who had liberated him from the cage but her last words weighted it again.  Letting out his breath he shifted his head so he could rub it up and down her hair, not knowing if Dara felt any comfort from his touch or if she was even aware of him anymore.

“Dara-ya,  I don’t think you are… I think you’re perfectly clean.  Let me take the cage away from you.  Please, let me try.  Come with me, let me take you.  We can fly together, all the way to the moon if you want.” 

Dara made a conscious effort to relax her shoulders as a smile of unhappy amusement curved her lips.  “What is it with you and the moon lately?”  She sighed.  “I’m just tired of fighting Seunghyun.  I’m so tired, I just want to give up and fade into complete oblivion.”

Seunghyun was genuinely frightened as he heard that emotionless admission from his wife.  Standing up with her still in his arms, he placed her gently on the lounge and strode into the bedroom, coming back out with the king sized feather quilt.  In that short time he was away Dara had slid forward to the edge of the lounge and when Seunghyun came back she had both hands pressed between her knees, legs straight out before her, head bent.  He put one hand on her shoulder and felt sadness seep even deeper into him as he watched her gasp and shy away before jerking her head up, fear in her eyes.  She stood before him as though waiting to be judged by her slave master.  Suddenly Seunghyun simply reached out with his free arm and stepped forward to hug her against him.  Dara was unresponsive and Seunghyun felt the rigid lines of her body, so different to the joyous melting into his arms that he had grown accustomed too.  Dara had once again withdrawn into the pained, hurting shell of a girl who, far too soon, had been forced into adulthood in such a disgusting fashion.  “I love you.”  He whispered, throat to tight to say anything else. 

But Dara couldn’t believe him.  All she could hear was the low, lust incensed words of vile endearment coming from ever hungry lips of the man.  Completely swallowed in the remembered filth of that night, Dara felt Seunghyun’s hand tug hers slightly and blindly followed where he lead her.  Seunghyun took her down onto the beach and dropping the quilt, sat down with his back to a sand dune.  Looking up at Dara, whose face had not changed from its blank hopelessness, Seunghyun longed to have the man in front of him so he could physically smash that worthless face into the sand.  There was silence for a moment.  Seunghyun was asking a wordless question, leaving the answer absolutely up to Dara.  He knew she felt like having someone command and drive her so she could simply collapse under the violence but Seunghyun would not do that.  So he waited until Dara reluctantly lowered herself onto the sand beside him.  A moment more, then Seunghyun reached over and once again gathered her into his arms, pulling her over him until her back was against his body, supported by his legs on either side of her.  With one hand, he pulled the quilt over both of them and let his back brace against the curving sand dune behind him.  Dara gradually relaxed against him and when she was totally comfortable Seunghyun lifted his arm to point into the sky and felt her head tilt to follow his pointing finger.   Speaking low and evenly with the soothing murmuring roar of the ocean whispering its breezes through his words, he described the stars and moon.  To Dara’s overwrought mind his words were simply liquid poetry.  Like melted chocolate his word pictures calmed her nerves while her eyes focussed on the clean glowing beauty of the night around her.  If she had been by herself, the night would have been terrifyingly full of recollections.  But with Seunghyun’s heartbeat beating rhythmical steadiness into her mind and his arms spreading warmth and gentle strength through the quilt to her, Dara could only feel good around her.  They slept all night on the beach.  Somewhere through the night they moved so that Dara was lying beside Seunghyun, fitted to his body shape with his arms around her keeping her close to him and safe.  Under Seunghyun’s quilt with his love radiating into her brain, Dara had no nightmares.  On that first night of her married life, Dara was reminded once again of the fathomless, ever abounding love of the man who put her comfort and care before his own, even to the extent of wrenching his neck so that Dara could lie comfortably in his arms on a beach.  On that first night of her married life, Seunghyun’s love was enough to banish nightmares, but Dara’s renewed despair was enough to awake her before dawn with tears of heart sickening misery dampening her cheeks.

For several minutes Dara lay awake on the sand, staring over the sand at the horizon which had the pre-dawn light spreading over it.  Beach wind which never ceased teased the hair around her face and cooled the tears on her face.  Feeling only Seunghyun’s arms protecting her, Dara wondered at her own heart heaviness then remembered: I certainly hope Dara does not forget her old friends.  Seunghyun, you better treat my sweetheart as well as I do.  With difficulty Dara managed to restrain a shudder.  He had actually had the nerve to go to the media.  The words he had said sounded innocuous by themselves; in fact they sounded quite legitimately concerned for her wellbeing. But Dara felt their insinuations and hidden meanings to the very marrow of her soul.  No, she would never forget him.  He did not need to threaten her with his sickly sweet “hopes”.  Sweetheart.  That word rang horror and repulsion through Dara’s body, nauseating her.  Everything he had said, even far before the news article, added to the nausea until finally one word rang into her mind with fearful clarity.  Do.   He had said “treat her as well as I do” Present tense.  Dara wrenched herself free of Seunghyun arm’s and stumbled a few feet away from him to fall onto the sand and let her body heave until she was weak.   Only when there was nothing in her system to vomit and her body had stopped retching bile did she realise that Seunghyun was kneeling beside her, one hand holding her hair off her face while the other rubbed over her back.  Dara spat and sat back on her heels, shaking.  Seunghyun observed her silently, taking in the tears running down her face and the miserable pain showing in every line of her body as she knelt there, swallowing and trembling in the pale pre-morning light.  Finally she stood and Seunghyun stood with her, catching her as she swayed slightly.  Leading her back to their makeshift bed, he pulled her down against him again and wrapped her in himself and the quilt.  “Tell me Jagiya.”  His voice was even.  Calm even; and Dara once again marvelled at the seemingly limitless strength in Seunghyun.

“He… said…”  she shuddered, drifting to a stop and feeling nausea rise in her again.  Seunghyun lifted one hand and placed it against her face, pressing it gently down against his chest.  When the only thing Dara could hear the muffled ocean roar merging with Seungyun’s heartbeat she tried again.  “He told you to treat me as well as he does. ‘You better treat my…sweetheart..’”  The word was forced out with difficulty and Seunghyun’s hand pressed slightly harder against her, forcing her to stay with him rather than be dragged back into horror again.  “‘You better treat her as well as I do.’  He used present tense Seunghyun.  What does that mean?  Does it mean he wants me back?  Does it mean he still thinks about it?  Does it mean that man still thinks about me? About seeing my body?  You’re my husband and you’ve seen less of me than he has!  Does he still imagine doing stuff to me?”  Dara’s voice had grown frantic and she had pushed away from Seunghyun’s arms, leaning away from him.  Seunghyun wondered if she was going to be sick again.  Reaching forward quickly he turned her around and pulled her back against him, holding her even when she struggled. Terribly afraid that he would do irreparable damage by holding her, He waited until she was exhausted beyond movement.  Her whole body was tense against his. 

“Dara, look at me.”  She did so and Seunghyun was frightened at the lifeless fear in her eyes.  Should he have let her push away from him?  “Dara… none of that matters.  All I want…”  His own voice was almost sobbing in his desperation to reach past the hurt and get to her mind.  “All I want is to love you and I promise you Dara, I swear before God and my mother and BigBang that he will never see you, never come near you, never ever touch you again.  Please Dara can’t you see there’s a difference between him and me?” 

She held his gaze, conflicted fright emanating from her then finally her head dropped against his chest as she sobbed.  Seunghyun let his fingers burrow into her hair then moved them rhythmically, loving the feel of silk against his skin.  Gradually Dara became still but Seunghyun didn’t relax his embrace until the sun began to rise, splintering them with wonderfully glorious shafts of warming goodness.  Then Seunghyun turned Dara so she had to lift her hand against the vivid light. Once more Seunghyun leaned forward to wrap his arms around her.  “See the sun Dara?”  Dara nodded against him and he suddenly buried his face into her neck, feeling her scrunch her shoulders up as his touch tickled her neck. “I want to give you that love.  I want to be your sun.  Let the sun warm you and let my love free you.  Please Dara.”

There was silence then Dara’s voice, almost lost in the wind, reached his unbelieving ears.  “You are my sun.  You’ve already given me light into complete darkness.  Have you ever noticed, when you shut your eyes, you can still see the sunlight?”  This time it was Dara who waited until she felt Seunghyun nod against her.  “Well… I’m blindfolded.  I can’t see the sun.  But I want to see the sunlight. Oh I do so want to Seunghyun.  And… I can still feel the warmth is gives.  I know… you want to give me so much but… I can’t… accept it or I don’t know what’s wrong me but I can’t see it.  I know it’s there.  Somewhere, your light is shining through the blindfold but I can’t see it.  I’m sorry I can’t give you more Seunghyun.”  Her answer was Seunghyun’s arms tightening slightly as his lips pressed onto her neck.

“That’s more than I asked for Dara.  Whatever you are able to give, is more than enough for me.  We have the rest of our lives.” 

Dara lifted her eyes to his, unaware of the haunting sadness in them; the heartbreaking hopelessness.  Seunghyun had always been like that.  He was quiet to the point of shyness but his loyalty and love, once they began, were rock solid and Dara could sooner imagine the end of the world than one of Seungyun’s promises being broken.  Even now as she felt Seunghyun’s body draw the tenseness out of her, Dara know she could rely on his love and strength for the rest of her life.  When Seunghyun said the rest of our lives; he meant that even when Dara was an old lady in a wheel chair still too frightened to love him, he would be in the wheelchair next to her, still loving her.  At the same time as Seunghyun was silently vowing to bring the laughter back to Dara’s face, Dara was silently promising herself that she would not drain Seunghyun’s love. 

So began a honeymoon that neither of them had ever dreamed of.  In the day time Seunghyun wracked his brains for anything that would make Dara laugh.  And Dara laughed.  She couldn’t do anything else when faced with the ridiculously comic way Seunghyun brought hilarity to every situation that occurred.  When they bought ice cream Seunghyun put an American accent into his Korean and bent Dara double in helpless giggles at the young girls face as Seunghyun payed for their ice creams.  Seunghyun walked with her through the shopping centre and randomly broke into dancing when he heard a familiar song. Dara punched him and laughed at the stares they received.  They went for walks on the beach, Dara almost falling onto the sand as Seunghyun argued with the crab in their path before suddenly jumping away from it in fright as it darted towards his bare feet.  Sometimes they would watch people and Seunghyun would make up strange and wonderful stories about the people going past.  Somehow he could always make Dara laugh hardest during those times.  When his voice was a mysterious whisper in her ear and his eyes were crinkled into mischievous fun.  “Look!  See that man?  He’s a shockingly bad one he is.  He…”  Seunghyun paused, his eyes widened for effect as his whisper became more dramatic.  “He doesn’t believe the landing on the moon was real and tried to stop NASA’s moon exploration!”  His horrified whisper was drowned as Dara’s laugh rang out in contagious bubbles.  During the day, Dara numbed her senses and refused to think.  With Seunghyun’s touch always upon her, trying its utmost to provide her with a sense of safety, Dara threw herself into each day with a desperate desire for true freedom.  It was only for absolute necessities that she would release Seunghyun’s hand and when they were doing nothing else, she would hold one of his hands with both of hers and trace patterns on it, or run her fingers along his veins, before lifting his hand to press against her face.  It dizzied Seunghyun with the longing to embrace her so hard she would become part of him and never have to feel sad again but he held himself back and drew delight from watching her.  So the days were filled with hectic, artificial joy.  Night times however, were different.  At night Seunghyun inevitably clenched his fist as he watched shadows fall across Dara’s face and fear darken her eyes once more.  Each night he would draw a tightly curled Dara against him and tell her over and over how much he loved her.  Gradually Dara would wrap herself around him, desperate for physical comfort and release.  Night after night she exhausted Seunghyun in her silent pleas for rescue.  Mental rescue, emotional rescue, physical rescue and Seunghyun could give none of them with any sense of satisfaction.  He tried, with all his purely caring heart but Dara’s nightmares worsened until Seunghyun would wake to find her sobbing in her sleep, clutching his chest so hard he found it hard to breathe.  For longer and longer each night Dara would keep him awake as she pressed closer and closer to him, blanking her mind in Seunghyun’s physical reassurance.  Seunghyun never thought of stopping her and never even fully realised just how much Dara was taxing his strength.  He understood what drove her and always answered her searching with his unconditional embrace that covered her so undoubtedly in his love.  Dara herself didn’t truly know what she wanted to achieve from her constant asking of Seunghyun.  Perhaps she was unconsciously testing him, daring him to turn into the raging lustful beast she had been tortured into believing all men to be.  She was more aware of the fact that she was trying to drown her senses in Seunghyun; hide her horrendous memories and sickening misery in the ever present comfort of her husband.  Each night as she heard the soft words of constant love leave his mouth and felt his heart beat time to them with dependable reassurance, Dara searched for distraction.  Seunghyun was all too willing to be the distraction.  She knew he was not getting sleep, she knew his days were long and exhausting because of her but when Dara felt the darkness closing once more around her, she was forced to flee from her memories to the refuge that had never yet given her reason to mistrust it.  Each night she would slide into bed and tell herself not to disrupt Seunghyun’s sleep tonight.  Just for one night, he could sleep undisturbed.  Then the man’s voice would whisper into the dark and she would stare into the darkness only to see his face coming closer to hers.  Seunghyun would feel her body go stiff with fear and gently pull her against him. Again, Dara would turn to him, desperate to stop herself from falling to the horror that had so long surrounded her.  For hours she would hold herself awake, finding out how many ribs Seunghyun had and feeling a strange fascination at the shudder of his skin when she let her fingers brush over it.  It was a new feeling for Dara to have power over a man.  Without realising it, her mind, beaten and cowed so thoroughly by a man’s power now craved power of its own.  Seunghyun bent, a willing slave as Dara sought to punish herself with his pleasure and Dara revelled in his response.  Letting her fingers brush against his neck and feel him shiver as her touch tickled him made her thrill.  To sigh and instantly feel his breath on her neck asking to be told what was wrong intrigued her.  Holding his fingers, entangling them into her hair and feeling their willingness to be led by her gave her a sense of triumph.  His blind readiness to go where she lead, intoxicated her and Dara drank deeply each night, seeking oblivion.

Then one night she had a dream.  It started from a conversation.  Dara had slid into bed, dreading the thought of more terror driven nightmares.  For a time she lay flat on her back, staring into the darkness and fighting images of the dark shadow over her as he bent his head to force into her more and more kisses while he violated her body.  Beside her Seunghyun’s breathing was steady and Dara felt grudging relief that he was actually resting.  She turned slightly, felt his hand under her arm and was instantly transported back.  Back to when the man had slid his hands under her arms forcing her closer and closer to him, his dirtiness rubbing against her skin.  Dara shuddered in sudden horror, her breath catching and Seunghyun instantly rolled over so he could rest his arm over her.  “Come here.”  It was a gentle command and Dara, desperate to remove the recollection from her mind ce more to her relief.  There was silence as she nosed her face against his chest, hugging herself and feeling his arms about her, giving her security and comfort.  “I love you jagiya.”  Out of nowhere, insidious words, trickling from her memory slipped in front of her eyes.  Words so obscene and filthy they made Dara’s stomach twist thinking about them.  Abruptly Dara tore out of Seunghyun’s embrace and sat up.  Seunghyun waited a moment then sat with her.  “Talk to me Dar-ya.”  It was a real plea and Dara contemplated it.  Seunghyun really wanted to understand just what it was that drove her so constantly away from him.  She could tell him.  She could say what was in her mind and watch him recoil in red-faced embarrassment and disgusted shame.  Seunghyun might have been a healthy young man but Dara was positive Seunghyun would die rather than think what Dara’s mind forced her to think about.  Feeling sick at the filth of her own mind Dara strove to change the subject.

“What is it with you and the moon?”  Seunghyun stared at her, surprise making him look rather dumb for a moment.  If it had been any other time Dara would have laughed at it but with the chilling terror of night still around her, Dara couldn’t smile. 

As he watched her Seunghyun saw in the brief moonlight, the intensity on her face and knew she was trying to block horrific recollections away from her.  Reaching out he pulled her back down into bed, enfolding himself and the quilt around her.  “When I was little, the moon fascinated me.  School, wasn’t easy and the moon was my escapism.  I wanted to be an astronaut because…. No one cared what they looked like or sounded like.  All an astronaut had to do was… well I didn’t know what they had to do except fly to the moon but that was good enough for me.   I used to spend hours staring at the moon, feeling amazed at how clean and cool and impersonal it was.  It was so silver and white, I’d watch it and wish I could be on it, with no gravity, no pressure, no people.  Just me.  I didn’t have you back then Dara.  If I had a bad day at school I’d come home and write lyrics until dark then I’d sit at a window and tell them to the moon.  If I told you how often I used to cry to that moon, you’d think I was really crazy but… the moon didn’t change.  It could hear the worst I had to say and it would still be there.  I wanted to go to the moon.  It was free and I wished I could be free like it.  It represented freedom to me.  I’ve never stopped seeing that freedom in the moon.”

For a moment Dara was still then she once more pulled away from Seunghyun and got out of bed.  Pushing up onto one elbow Seunghyun watched his wife walk over to the window and pull the blinds back slightly so the moon could shine more fully into their room.  “Did it give you freedom Seunghyun?”  Her voice was serious, detached curiosity tinging it.

Slowly Seunghyun moved to stand behind her, clasping his hands around her waist and resting his chin on her shoulder.  “For a while, it gave a child comfort.  But then the child grew up and the moon couldn’t give him freedom then; it could only symbolise freedom.  I had to find you before I could know what true freedom really means.”

Turning her back to the window, Dara studied him gravely for a minute or two.  Then she took his hand and went back to bed, pulling him down beside her.   Seunghyun waited not knowing what Dara wanted and unsure what she was feeling.  He was not prepared for the arms that slid around his neck or the kiss that burned against his lips.  “If I can give you freedom, then surely I can find it too?”  It was a question and Seunghyun almost felt like sobbing at its pathetic emotionless.  Slowly he responded to Dara, his arms going about her again with a hunger he hadn’t allowed himself to show before. 

“Yes.  Oh Jagiya, yes…” He broke off as his lips met hers again momentarily before Dara moved to press her face into the curve of his neck.  Her fingers were exploring his back, almost with senseless inquisitiveness as they moved up over his shoulders.  Not knowing how long this desire for new closeness would last, Seunghyun let his hands lose themselves in Dara’s hair and held her as close as he could without hurting her; burying his face in the curve of her shoulder and feeling her shiver as the bridge of his nose met a nerve in her shoulder.  Giving himself up to the torturous pleasure of Dara’s steady massaging across his shoulder blades Seunghyun growled playfully into her shoulder, rubbing his nose across that nerve, making Dara hunch her shoulder up and trap his face between her shoulder and neck.  Returning the growl Dara lifted his face away from her then brought it down again so his forehead was resting against her lips.  Bracing his arms beneath her, Seunghyun rolled both of them carefully so that Dara was now lying slightly on top of him.  Placing her lips on his chin Dara brushed them down his jawline, onto his throat where Seunghyun’s skin drew tight as her lips tickled his skin.  For several blissful minutes Dara discovered sensitive places in Seunghyun’s skin she would never have dreamed of and Seunghyun found out all Dara’s ticklish spots.  Then finally Dara fell asleep, resting against him with her head butted under his chin.

Seunghyun, still recovering from Dara’s surprising possessiveness, felt her body relax into an oblivion he had not noticed in far too long.  In utter exhaustion, Seunghyun let himself relax as well.  His body fitted from practice against Dara and with another quiet growl of shy satisfaction Seungyun too fell into drained slumber beside his wife; unaware that she was beginning to dream.  In her dream Dara was walking through a field with waist high grass.  Gentle, clean grass that sent up a fragrant rustling as spring breezes fanned through it.  As she walked Dara was aware only of peaceful stillness and certain knowledge of security from some unknown source.  The feelings emanating from her dream had such a calming effect on her that without knowing it, her hand stole up and locked her fingers gently into Seunghyun’s hair, making him smile even in his own dreamless fatigue.  It was her unconscious apology and innate demonstration of real, innocent love. He would need it.  It seemed to Dara that in her dream she seemed to walk for a long time, without really understanding what she was doing or why there was peaceful emptiness about her.  Then gradually silver light began to blossom from the horizon and as she walked closer Seunghyun came walking to meet her, the whole sky around him turning into flaming white light that warmed everything it touched.  In her dream Dara felt her whole body quicken in penitent, wondering love and she began to run towards him.  She could hear him speaking now, that gorgeous, shyly blunt flow of flowing caramel which formed such beautiful words.  And the words which he spake were also familiarly reassuring.  “I love you dara.  Oh Jagiya I love you.  Let my love take you to the moon.  We’ll be free, I’ll take you out of darkness and we’ll fly to the moon and I’ll be your light.”  To the dreaming Dara it seemed as though Seunghyun’s words were finally unbarring the hard gates of fear which had been slammed shut over her heart for so long.  They could run to the moon together and be free.  Then she happened to see her arm as it came forward in running to balance her stride.  Dara stopped running to stare down at herself in horror.  Around her the grass was drying and rotting as a voice, dripping with poisonous hate shrivelled it.  Whispered words assaulted Dara.  Words that she had been forced to hear once before, moaned breathlessly to her while the man possessed her body.  And now the insidious poison was coming, not from the grass as it decayed and stank there around her but from Dara herself.  She could feel it oozing from her pores, blackening her skin and burning as it destroyed her.  Automatically she looked up at Seunghyun, pleading for help.  Somehow Seunghyun’s moon-like radiance had turned into the cool soothing of water and seeing her distress he was again coming closer.  But the voice was whispering into her ear again, warning her that when he touched her, Seunghyun too would be destroyed by the filth within her.  She tried to turn away from him, but her feet, now festering and seemingly melted, would not move.  Again she looked up and the relief she knew Seunghyun held made her reach out to him.  Then, in her dream she looked at herself again and could see her flesh decomposing on her frame, rotting and becoming so utterly foul that anything which touched it must die along with her.  She tried to tell Seunghyun to go away but he didn’t listen to her and the treacherous voice accused her, laughing.  Telling her that when Seunghyun died, it would be her fault because she didn’t give him up.  Dara was screaming for Seunghyun not to touch her but he came closer, the soothing coolness still radiating from him as the same words burned into her ears.  “Let me free you Dara, let me take you…”  As he spoke he reached out for her and to Dara’s horror, the foaming mass of corruption that was within her flowed straight from her fingertips into Seunghyun.  Helpless in her dream, Dara felt Seunghyun and all his love embrace her then she felt her corruption overwhelm him.  Shrieking agony filled Dara’s ears as she suddenly seemed to be floating somewhere above her dream, watching the vile girl below consume Seunghyun into her putrefied filthiness  until both Dara and Seunghyun collapsed into death, Dara’s flesh falling from her arms before her bones disintegrated there in the field of stinking dead grass.

Dara dragged herself awake with such a gasp of awful panic that Seunghyun jerked upright.  Although the dream had seemed never ending to Dara, it had not in reality taken many minutes.  Dara was still against Seunghyun’s jaw and as she jerked upright, she head-butted him under the chin, making him bite his tongue.

It only took a moment for Seunghyun to fully comprehend, Dara’s previous torments could almost be considered a nice daydream compared to the nightmare she had just been put through.  In that moment however Dara was already off the bed and when Seunghyun scrambled up to go to her, Dara faced him with a tragic lifelessness he had never seen in her before. “Please don’t Seunghyun.”

“Don’t what?”  Seunghyun was honestly confused.  “Don’t go to my wife when she needs comforting?  Try and stop me!”  But Dara did stop him.  She backed away, her arms crossing in front of her.  It was so out of character for the Dara Seunghyun had known since their wedding that he stopped; nonplussed.

“That’s all you’ve been doing Seunghyun.  Ever since… you first told me you loved me, you’ve been taking care of me, trying to fix me, putting me before you, comforting me… you’ve been punishing yourself for something that someone did before you even knew me!”

“No,” Interrupted Seunghyun.  “I’ve been loving you.”

Dara’s gaze fell and in that second there was the old, gentle Dara standing shattered before the man who loved her.  “You kind of love can’t feel good then.”  Whispered Dara.

“But it does.”  Seunghyun had crossed the space between them, his hands going out to rest on Dara’s arms and rub warmth back into them.  “Because I’m loving you.  You’re all I want Dara.  I don’t mind how you love me.  I know you do and that’s all that matters to me.  I know you love me and as long as I have you I don’t mind anything else.”  For a moment Seunghyun had his way.  Dara relaxed into his arms, a sigh of longed for relief passing her lips.  Seunghyun lowered his face to kiss her nose and Dara caught his face with her hands, spreading her fingers against his cheek bones and catching his skin between her lips.  Slowly her hands slipped back into his hair, bracing against him as she pressed her face against his throat, hearing his vibrating purr that ended in muted sound when Dara’s lips pressed too hard over his voice box.  Kneading her fingers through his hair Dara let explore as far around Seunghyun’s neck as she could reach, drawing pleasure from the sensation of Seunghyun’s skin on her lips.  Seunghyun was her drug and Dara searched him for the thrill of escapism.  The voice of her past and dream echoed in her ears and Dara’s fingernails pierced through the skin behind Seungyun’s ears without her realising it.  Without realising it, Seunghyun’s hands fell to Dara’s wast and Dara felt only the selfishly starving hands of the man who had clamped her onto the concrete while his hands explored Dara’s body roughly; harshly.  Gasping in refreshed horror, Dara jerked away from Seunghyun.  Seunghyun’s hands lifted but Dara was still feeling the pain inflicted by the man on top of her.  Finally with abandoned desperation Dara wrapped her fingers around Seunghyun’s face and kissed him; trying to deaden her senses before they destroyed her.  All she could see and feel was the man as he kissed her and without fully knowing it she kissed Seunghyun the same way.  Pushing him back and back until he was pressed against the wall with the force of her passion Dara felt strange horrible triumph as Seunghyun fought the urge to completely dominate his wife. Then Seunghyun’s arms slipped up around her back, holding her and Dara crashed back into reality.  Seunghyun was not using her in the same way she used him.  Seunghyun was simply allowing himself to be used; helping her but not taking advantage of her.  That knowledge and the returning force of her nightmare drove Dara from Seunghyun’s arms.  The spell she had been weaving was broken and there were no lingering effects of Dara’s drug.

“Dara, jagiya…  Please come back.”

“I can’t Seunghyun.  I’m just using you.  I don’t mean to but I am.  I don’t know the difference between using someone and loving them.  The man said he loved me but he only used me.  I don’t want to use you.  I want to love you.”

“Dara, you do love me.  And it’s not using me if… I like it.  Dara I love you.  You are my wife.  You can do whatever you want with me.  Did you hear me Dara? I’m not the other man.  I love you. I chose to marry you.  I love you for my sake, because of who you are to me.  Not because of what you need me to be to you.    I love you!”  Seunghyun had never shouted at Dara before, nor did he now.  But he did raise his voice slightly as it was impossible for his intensity to be expressed at normal speaking level.  Once more Dara’s arms went around herself and she turned away from Seunghyun, leaving the bedroom and going into the kitchen.  Seunghyun stared after her then grabbed his jacket and shrugged it on as he left the cabin.  His long frustrated strides soon cleared the path going from the cabin to the sand dunes and Seunghyun was very quickly pacing down the beach.  He didn’t know what else he could do.  He knew that he would eventually go back to the cabin and he would stay with Dara until she drove him away.  Even then he would come back and back and back because he was her husband and he loved her.  A sigh shook his frame as Seunghyun reflected on the length of a lifetime loving someone unable to acknowledge their own love.  Wrenching his mobile out of a pocket he dialled Daesung’s number, paused then slid the phone back into his pocket.  Daesung had Bom to take care of and he certainly didn’t need any of his hyung’s marital problems to deal with as well.  Seunghyun was also positive that as soon as he left, Dara wouldn’t be calling up Bom to talk about her husband and he would not break Dara’s confidence by talking about her to anyone.  In helpless defeat Seunghyun ripped his jacket off and flung it onto the sand letting the wind cut through his thin cotton shirt.  Shoving both hands into his hair, Seunghyun raked it backwards and forwards over and over, a groan of tired exasperation forcing itself from his body.   Slowly lifting his head to the sky, Seunghyun flung his arms out, standing like a great noble statue that had somehow had its marble heart cut out and was slowly bleeding to death.  Watching Dara in pain like that had indeed felt like getting his heart cut out.

Dara stood for only a few minutes in the kitchen before suddenly running back into the bedroom and finding Seunghyun’s favourite hoodie.  Sitting down on the bed, she buried her face in the familiarly scented warmth and sobbed.  “I love him so much but I can’t keep on draining his love like this.  Why can’t I just forget everything and be a proper wife?”  Her sobs increased as Dara pressed her face deeper and screamed into the friendly fleecy material.  “WHY?  He’s so good.  Why did he start loving me?  Why can’t I be free?  I thought I would trust him for the rest of my life?  Was I wrong?  What happened to that day in the hospital?  I do trust him but it’s so hard!”  Gradually her sobs lessoned until she lifted her face and stared into the darkness around her.  She felt like everything had come to a head.  That night, she had to decide whether Seunghyun was enough to break the most horrific experience of her life.  Did she trust him enough?  With a deep shuddering breath Dara forced herself to face her past.  It didn’t occur to her that Seunghyun could be right there beside her helping her face it.  Dara had spent so much of her life hiding hurt and fear that even with the knowledge of her own husband’s concern and love she still chose to be alone for her soul searching.  The first thing she had to pull into the open and sort through: Why did the man haunt her so constantly?  Dara hardly had to think that question before the answers came tumbling into her mind; Each one more terrible than the last.  Dara plunged her face back into the fleecy of Seunghyun’s hoodie as her flesh crawled remembering each second of that night.  With a few more ragged breaths Dara forced herself to straighten.  This night, she must not cower.  So, the man had destroyed ever dream, hope and idea Dara had of men.  Was that quite fair?  No it wasn’t and Dara knew that but… Dara shuddered, hugging the jumper tighter against her while sobs of sheer protest forced themselves from .  How could she help feeling frightened of all men when all her ideals of them had been violated so thoroughly?  But Seunghyun wasn’t like that.  Seunghyun made her feel more of a lady than she had felt ever since first signing that wretched contract.

Why did it feel so unsafe to love Seunghyun?  Slowly Dara went through all the ideas that came to mind and finally realised.  Love made her vulnerable.  She was vulnerable and she loved Seunghyun with a deeply vulnerable love.  If Seunghyun stopped loving her, then Dara didn’t see how she could live.  Surely it was dangerous to love a person that much?  Would Seunghyun ever betray the trust Dara had placed in him?  Dara lifted her face and stared into darkness.  Seunghyun had married her.  If she loved him, she would believe him fully.  slowly Dara’s eyes grew wide with the enormity of what she was about to do.

When Dara stepped slowly off the path into the sand, it took her a moment to find the bulk of Seunghyun, some distance up the beach.  When she did find it, her heart constricted when she saw that he wasn’t standing up or even sitting.  In the blustery darkness, with hair whipping across her face, Dara saw that Seunghyun was kneeling.  Feeling almost frightened at seeing Seunghyun so vulnerable Dara stepped hesitantly nearer until she was standing beside him.  “Seunghyun-ah?”

Seunghyun stood silently so he was facing Dara and it was only when Dara looked up at him that she saw the tear marks on his face.  Fighting her own tears now, Dara simply let her head bow for a moment.  Then she forced herself to meet his gaze.  “I need to talk to you.”  She said bluntly.  Seunghyun nodded and reached for her hand.  There was no questions.  He simply accepted what she said.  Dara hated herself.  She had spent hours, questioning herself, questioning Seunghyun, questioning the world itself and still felt none to sure of herself.  But Seunghyun was so calm.  “How can you trust so easily?” she blurted suddenly.

“I don’t.”  Replied her husband. “I don’t trust anyone except you.  And Daesung.  But that doesn’t matter.  I can still choose to, make them part of my life.  I just don’t let them into certain parts of it.  Only you have complete access to all my life.”

“You don’t set a very high standard do you?” muttered Dara.  Seunghyun stopped and took her face in both his hands.  As always Dara’s self-recrimination aroused deep anger in him, not at her, but for her sake.  This time he could not let it pass.  As soon as his hands cupped her face, Dara flinched, a wave of nausea flooding her.  Seunghyun watched her eyes slide closed as she fought panic.  Then her jaw hardened and Dara met his eyes, trying desperately not to break the gaze and put defiance into her look.  Defiance, not to Seunghyun, but defiance to the world.  She could look a man in the face without being afraid he would come after her like a mad thing.  But her glance slid away from Seunghyun’s.  She was trembling and Seunghyun knew nausea was sweeping over her.

“Listen” He growled without waiting for her to speak.  “I do set an extremely high standard.  You know I do Dara.”  His tone was turned pleading.

“Ok.”  Dara momentarily hated that calmness.  Didn’t he know what it was like to not have control of a situation just for once?  Seunghyun took her hand and started back to the cottage.  For a moment Dara pulled back.  Unreasonably wanting to suddenly yell at him.  Seunghyun looked back at her, sensing her frustration and secretly hoping she would let some of it spill out to him.  He and Dara had never had a fight.  That was not a problem but Seunghyun knew that the reason they had never fought was because Dara was afraid.  Every time they came close to a disagreement a shadow would fall over Dara’s eyes and she would simply agree with anything Seunghyun said until he became so frustrated he wanted to shake her.  He never had and never would.  But the pain he felt at seeing Dara’s unwillingness to disagree with anyone – born from the night she had tried to disagree and had been so sadistically overcome – was violent to the point of dangerous anger.  So he waited, almost hopeful.  Then Dara met his eyes and he once again recognised the closed look on her face.  Dara’s hand went limp in his hand and she stepped beside him, passive, listless. 

Once back at the house Dara turned the kitchen light on then sat down on the lounge, her back to the only light in the house.  Seunghyun put another log on the fire and made sure it was burning properly.  Then he too moved to sit on the lounge.  He did not try and hold Dara.  Whatever she needed to say, she needed to say it alone.

“You know I did the photo shoot.  It wasn’t just one day, I had to go there a few times.  It was horrible.”  She talked on, her voice a monotone of clipped sentences as she spilled all the vile dirtiness she felt because of what had happened so many years before.  All of it was said without looking at Seunghyun.  Finally her words faltered and Seunghyun slid off his seat, moving to kneel on the floor in front of her.  Wrapping both her hands inside his, he massaged them while she talked.  “Seunghyun, if it had been just them, it... I Don’t know, maybe I wouldn’t be like this… but… Seunghyun-ah… my father came.”  Seunghyun’s hands tightened over Dara’s.  “He was drunk and he saw what the other man was doing to me and he said…”  Dara choked.  “He said... ‘Got a good one?  Maybe I can have the next turn.’ Seunghyun, my father said that.”  Dara was shaking now, her empty self-control shattered.  Dragging her hands away from his Dara pressed them over trying to muffle the sobs jerking from her.  Instantly Seunghyun was back on the lounge, pulling her into his embrace and wrapping himself around her while she cried.  He had known that Dara’s father had left his family when Dara was very young but he had never really known anything about it.  Now he almost wished he didn’t know.  This new knowledge of the other man disgusted and sickened him.  Rubbing his cheek against Dara’s hair, he waited until she had finally stopped sobbing so violently.  To his surprise she pulled back, sniffing hard.  “That’s why, I think I can’t… trust you the way I want to. Umma, loved my father and she married him because she loved him.  But… he changed.”  Dara was almost whispering.  Seunghyun lifted one hand to scratch his hair thoughtfully and Dara flinched.  Freezing Seunghyun felt shock wash over him.  Was Dara frightened that he would hit her? Just because she was explaining why she was frightened to trust him?  He understood that she might be a little nervous, likening Seunghyun to her father but afraid of Seunghyun physically striking her?  Slowly Seunghyun lowered his arm.

“I would never hit you Dara.  You are my wife. I love you and I’ve sworn and intend to cherish you all my life.”  There was silence.  Dara glanced up from her one foot or so and millions of miles distance between them.  Seunghyun realised she was not going to speak, was not going to move any closer to him.  With a silent sigh he reached out once more and gently pulled Dara against him, feeling her sob of surprise.  There was silence then he heard Dara’s shaky offer.  “I’m sorry Seunghyun, so sorry for even thinking like that but...”

“It’s ok. I understand. It’s ok.  I can prove that I’m not like him and I will, Dara I will, I promise I will.”

“Seunghyun? I… do love you so much.” 

“I know.”  Said Seunghyun softly, his face nuzzling her hair again.  “I love you too.”   He slid onto the floor, bracing his back against the lounge and crossing his legs.  Taking Dara’s hand he brought her down off the lounge a well and they sat like that for a long time.  Seunghyun sitting cross legged, Dara sitting in his lap, her legs bent over his ankles.  Seunghyun was leaning forward on her, his chest against her back and his chin resting lightly on her shoulder.  Cautiously Dara leaned back against him and felt his arms wrap around her waist.  So they both sat watching the firelight flicker before them.  Finally Seunghyun turned his face so it was pressing into Dara’s neck.  Almost automatically, Dara shifted her head so it was against Seunghyun’s face then suddenly she tuned right around so she was kneeling in front of him.  Seunghyun chose not to see the questioning uncertainty in her eyes.  He reached forward and picking her up, fell backwards onto the carpet, bringing Dara on top of him.  Letting her slide down beside him, still in his arms, he tucked her close to him and chuckled at how right it felt.  “I love you Kitty Dara.”  He said happily, rolling onto his side slightly so he could look at her.  Dara eyed him then returned his smile tentatively.  Seunghyun ignored the tentativeness.  Letting his other arm wrap underneath Dara, he leant down so his nose was touching hers.  “Dara?”  His whole being was wistful as his hand cupped her head, supporting her.  “You are so beautiful to me.  You are my beautiful little wife and I love being married to you.”

Dara’s lips parted to ask why but Seunghyun stopped her, his face going down beside hers, brushing against her cheek as he nosed into her neck, making her shiver as his breath tickled her skin. 

“Why?”  Whispered Dara and again Seunghyun could hear the self-condemnation in her voice.

“You think about yourself too much.” Was his calm reply.  “I love you.  I love feeling you hug me, I love protecting you and watching you run to me when a crab chases you.  I love helping you put the shelves into the fridge because you don’t know which way they go in.”  His voice roughened slightly.  “I love it when you go to sleep wrapped around me… I love it when you hold my hand and I can feel your touch in my hand.”  Slowly Dara reached up to touch his hand behind her hand.  Seunghyun shifted so he could take her hand away from his hand and back around his waist.  “I love knowing that you can play with my hair or make me smile so you can put your finger in my dimple.”  He cut off as he felt Dara’s finger on his face.  Deliberately Seunghyun smiled and Dara’s finger slipped down the line of his dimple.  Seungyun’s arms tightened so that he could feel Dara’s heartbeat against his chest.  Then as Dara suddenly remembered the last time she was lying on the ground with a man holding her Seunghyun responded to her, his hands shifting to span her back and cradle her. 

“You even love me when I’m thinking about the man who me and can feel him every time you touch me?  When I’m doing the same thing to you as he did to me?  Do you really think I was born knowing how to kiss like that?”

“Sh.”  Seunghyun was murmuring into her hair, his voice muffled.  “Why do you try so hard to make me stop loving you.  I’m not going to.  I don’t care about that other thing.  You didn’t love him, he certainly didn’t love you.  He was just something horrific that happened to you that I wish I could have stopped for your sake.  I love you.”  Dara let herself relax then pushed herself up so she was lying half across Seunghyun’s chest.  For a moment she let her ear rest on Seunghyun’s heart beat then she lifted her head to press her lips against his chin. 

“I… love you too.” beneath her Seunghyun sighed happily and Dara suddenly slipped both arms around his neck and let her own face fall beside his as she hugged him.  Seunghyun’s fingers braced her back until Dara lifted her head once more, searching Seunghyun’s eyes for long moments before finally, deliberately, willingly, Dara bent her head and let her lips fall against Seunghyun’s.  Ever so gently, Seunghyun felt Dara’s lips brush his as she whispered it once more, shakily.  “I love you Seunghyun.  My husband, I love you so much.”  Then her lips became still on his and Seunghyun spread his fingers over Dara’s back and gently cupped the other around her head, holding her where she belonged; as close to him as physically possible.

“Let me take you to the moon Dara.  Dara, my freedom, let me take you to the moon and we’ll fly together.” 

With new desire to show Seunghyun her love and finally be the wife he deserved, Dara once again reached up to kiss him.  Seunghyun felt the difference between that kiss and the first one.  The first one had been desperate and blindly wild as Dara had sought to drown herself in sensual oblivion.  This one was what Seunghyun believed a kiss should be: a symbol of love.  A result of love not an experiment to see if love should be attempted.  Dara’s words as she whispered them against his cheek, slowly curved Seunghyun’s lips into a smile.  “I’ll go to the moon with you.  I’ll fly with you wherever you want to go because you are my moon and you are my freedom.  I love you.”  And as one hand gently brushed across Dara’s satin like cheek, Seunghyun understood Dara’s longing and rejoiced in his wife as he bent to answer her with his own absolute, boundless love.