Time passed. Again with thoughts on Junhong. Filling more and more of my head now. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how many times I've said it already, but dammit, I am sick of it. I want out. I really want out of this. I can't take it anymore. If all I need to do is set my mind to it, why is it not freaking working? Why does this thing have to be so hard? It's tiring. When he goes out of my mind for the whole day he would crawl back into it right before I sleep. His smile, his figure, his eyes, his laugh. Everything. It's just always there. And I don't think it's going to leave anytime soon. 

I've got to find ways to occupy myself with different thoughts again. I need to distract myself from this whole thing. It worked last time, thought it didn't last that long. But it did work. The whole time I was with Mako it changed my thoughts. Maybe doing this will at least keep my thoughts distracted from Junhong. And hopefully after time passes, I will be able to completely forget.

Things turned out pretty well for my current mindset. A week after I decided on what to do a girl from my grade asked me out. She was nothing like Mako. She folded her skirt high up, wore a bit of make up, had flawless hair. She was pretty, but she looked a bit y. I just mindlessly accepted though. I don't know what a girl like her would want with me. But I just went along with it. I was that desperate.

This girl turns out to be completely dominant in the relationship. She always asks to go shopping, tells me to carry her bags, whines at me to buy her everything and only goes into the expensive shops. She is very, very materialistic. I got sick of her on the second week and dumped her then and there. She got mad and all but the next day I saw her clinging onto the rich jock on the top floor. What a waste of time. But the absence made me think about Junhong again, and I concluded that I had to try even harder.

I figured that I couldn't be the only one waiting for someone to come to me. I gotta come to them too at times. I mean, it's usually more natural if the guy asks the girl out, right? I started talking to a few girls who were cute, kind, and calm. Since I didn't want to repeat the same mistake about that materialistic girl again. I got close to a girl named Hyojoo. She was very quiet, so it was easy to approach her. She had short hair and her skin was milky white, like Junh-, no. Stop it Yongguk. She had a round face and big dolly eyes, almost like an ulzzang. She was really cute. Almost too cute to be true. 

With a little more time to get to know each other, we got together. She was happy, I was happy too. We didn't really have much in common but we both tried to ignore them and focused on making the both of us comfortable around each other. It was really comfortable being with her. She was always made me smile, made me feel dependable, and made me feel like I can protect her. She never did things that stand out or show how she feels too blantly, but at times she would come over and give me a hug or hesitantly hold my hand, which I find is really really cute. She blushed like mad when I say cute things to her and she fake-hits me while covering her face. She was the most adorable girl I had ever met. 

But again, everything ended. For no real reason. We went on for about a month but she decided to end it. I didn't really know why, but I just decided to let her keep it to herself. Since whatever the reason was, I didn't want to hear it anyway. Maybe it was a legitimate reason, maybe just an excuse. I didn't really care to be honest. I wasn't mad at her or anything, I was just got tired of hearing reasons after reasons for things being over. Cause for these situations, whatever and however they explain to you about why they decide to finish everything, in the end, it's gonna end. Just. Like. That.

Always.

So the mindset thing went on from then on. I got together with different people from different grades or even diferent places. I never did anything too extreme or anything, but I always just go on and off with different poeple every now and then. With this, my image of being the quiet guy in school changed completely. I was known by even more people, and they say I've gotten more social, more outgoing. Some people even call me a "Player". They say I'm more cheery now, I smile and laugh more, or so they say. But if only they know what goes in my mind when I'm alone. The same person keeps coming back again and again and again.

Yes, I know, being called a player is not a good thing. But it's not like people avoid me because of it. And anyways I don't really care much about it.  It's just a title, and according to how I act, I guess I am a player. But, whatever, you know? I gain popularity, more girls want to be with me, which makes it easier for me to forget, it's a win win situation for me no matter how you look at it.

Time pass, more and more girl's I get with. Some actually love me, some don't. Some I dump, some they dump. Either way it's always my fault. "You don't care about me enough!" "You never buy me anything!" "You keep looking at other girls!" "You always ignore me!" You you you. Me me me. This happens so much that I got the hang of what to say in a breakup or what to say to breakup with someone.  As well as good pickup lines, good flirting, and anything to do with getting a girl. None with actualy real emotions. It doesn't matter to me anymore.

It surprised me how I can change from being a quiet nobody into the school player. I don't know how it happened really, but it just did. And I don't mind about it anyway. I didn't really have a reputation I had to protect in front of anybody, and my friends still stick to me. Everyone calls me a player, but no one calls me an or a douchebag, except the girls I dumped or dumped me, of course. But anyways this is the life I will continue as my junior year, maybe senior too, and I have no problems about it.

Today, as I sat lazily on my desk on recess in the beginning of senior high, a girl, to be completely accurate, the class president, came over to me. She took a chair that was in front of mine, flipped it around, and sat on it with her legs crossed on top of the other. She looked tough, her eyes that were as sharp as an eagle pierced into mine. 

"You're Bang Yongguk, right?" she asked in a serious tone. I kept my cool and nodded once as a reply. "You're the school player." she pointed out.

"And you're the class prez." I shrugged at her. I didn't know where she was getting at, nor what she wanted. 

"Your grades have gotten lower and lower over the years." she said. Whoa, how'd she know? And why'd she care? I didn't expect her to say that, though I didn't know what to expect her to say. "Your point?" I asked sluggishly.

"Don't mess around with girls too much! I'm the class president and I'm not going to have any of the students in this class fail!" she stormed. I stared at her with round eyes, not knowing what to reply or even how to react. She kept her eyes on mine and it felt like it was about to slice through my pupils. It almost sent a shiver down my spine. 

"From now on, I'll be monitoring you and making sure you study." 
Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's going to 'monitor' me? As in watch me do whatever I do? What am I, a delinquent or something? I'm not that bad, I mean yes, my grades do get lower, but barely half the reason is because of the girls that are in my head. But nevertheless, what I've been doing seems to have caught this girl's–the class pres', attention. 

The way she's so sharp and how serious and bold she is starting to catch my interest. I wonder if she's been with guys too, she looks so strict that I can almost literally see the walls that are built up all around her, caging her like a little bird. Then it made me get a thought in my head,

Maybe I can break her.

Who knows, doing this might be fun. In a way it still occupies my mind. I can't imagine the sense of accomplishment when I do make her fall for me. This is gonna be great.

For the next few weeks that went by, the class pres have kept her word about watching me. She walks next to me in the hallway just to make sure I don't flirt with anyone. She does it in so much detail that when we were in class and I wanted to borrow an eraser from the girl next to me, she poked me from behind and gave me hers instead. 

In all reality, I'm still trying to get to her. So slowly, I make moves on her. Saying smart flirts such as "It's okay pres, you're the only one I see." and wink at her when we walk together and she scolds me not to stare at a girl. As well as giving her long stares whenever we are having after school study sessions. At first she just calls me a stupid ert, but after many days and weeks that went along, I finally saw it. Blushing. The hard-headed, serious, study-holic girl, blushed. I got even more confident from then on and kept at it with her till she finally broke. I did it. She confessed to me. And boy let me tell you, the feeling of accomplishment reached the high heavens. I laughed and said, "Aren't you the one who told me to stay away from relationships?" she looked cutely annoyed and told me to shut up, to which I chuckled at. I accepted, of course and we started dating. 

Our relationship didn't last long though, probably about a month and a half. I was the one to break things off. I never looked for anything in her anyway. I just wanted to know how far I could go to get girls like this. This sort of thing became fun for me. 

She didn't respond much to me when I said it, though I made sure to use the best no-hard-feelings break up line I had in my book. All she did was smile weakly at me and nodded slightly. I thanked her and took my leave almost immediately, since I knew she was trying her best to hold back tears. I feel bad, but I'm not sorry. If I'm such a criminal for not being honest and playing with people's hearts and feelings, then so is the rest of the human population. Everyone else left me and I had to endure every single one of them too, right? Right.

The next few days that came along, she completely ignored me. People murmur about us, mostly wondering what happened between us, since she usually sticks to me all the time. I ignore them though, I just mind my own business, which is pretty bad since 'someone' is starting to creep back in my head again. 

When I was the last one in class after school—since I had cleaning duty, suddenly someone slammed the door open. I was shocked, of course and looked at the direction of the sound, which I wish I didn't. Standing there, was a girl I remembered to me in the same class as I am in junior year. She was undeniably angry, fuming, and impatient and looked like she was a bull, ready to strike me although I had nothing red.

"Yah! Why did you do this?!" She shouted. "Do you know how much she cried?!" Her intense glare was trying to strike through my eyes, but failed to do so. I looked at her lazily, not wanting to deal with like this. I replied with a shrug and she got even more heated up. 

"Do you think this is a joke?! Jisong is the strongest girl I know and you made her cry." She said through gritted teeth. I still took no interest and just wanted her to shut and get it over-with.

She wasn't the first friend-of-the-girl-I-dumped to get mad at me. Sometimes it was even guys who did this and ended up taking a few blows at me. But I didn't fight back. After the fights I would usually ask, "Are you done?" and usually they become speechless and stop, so I stand up and walk away. It was never severe though, that's for sure.

How unfair is it that when I'm the one who dumps them, someone always gets mad at me. But when I'm hurt, no one's there for me?

I guess I'm lonelier that I thought.

Anyways she continued fuming at me till I was almost sure I could see smoke coming out her eyes. "You think people's feelings should be taken lightly do you?" She said through gritted teeth. I suddenly tensed up at this. I felt a twist in my heart that makes me have a desire to contradict her. "Always playing around with girls like they're unbreakable dolls. How would you like it if it happened to you?"

How would I like it? How would I like it?! Does she even know how many people walk out of my life? One after another. Again. And again. And again. Does she know how I'm struggling every single day to just do a simple task such as keeping someone out of my mind. But it just. Doesn't. Happen. 

"You know nothing about me." I hissed.

"I do know that all you do is hurt people. Never taking them seriously." She argued.

"Well what about me then! Have you ever even considered that someone's hurt me? Or not taken me seriously? Or disappointed me to a really great extent?" I raised my voice. She seemed to be taken aback, but she didn't let herself fall there. 

"So you think the solution to that is doing it back to everyone else? So that you have your own sick feeling of revenge?" She spat out. Rising my temper a bit more, and I lost the ability to hold myself back.

"What if maybe I did is for my own self? Is it so wrong to be selfish for just a little bit? You don't know the reason why I'm like this. Nobody does." My voice was almost as loud as hers by now. "Maybe I was depressed? Maybe I wanted to take things out of my mind? Maybe something is stressing me? Maybe I want to forget something or someone? How would you know. That being said, how would you ever understand." 

It was the first time I let all of this go. I didn't know what exactly triggered it, but it just happened. I couldn't get what she was thinking, but she became speechless. She looked like she was deep in thought. She still looks angry, but after hearing my words I guess she just thought she couldn't say anything about it.

"Well, I still think it's wrong of you to take it out in others." She said, softer this time, but still a hint of anger. "Who is it that you're trying to forget anyway? You were never really close with anyone before all this, you were as quiet as a dead cemetery. The only one you were inseparable with was Jun..." My face twitched. She noticed. "....hong." She stared at me a little, who's whole body tensed up with and expression that gives off her answer as a bulls-eye.

I opened my mouth to speak up, ready to contradict her with all I had, but no words came out. Nothing. Not even a breath.

I could picture it now. Her saying I'm a sick bastard, me shouting and trying to deny her, which'll result with turning at her heels and storming out. Then the next day the whole school would be blasted with rumors and I'd be getting disgusted looks and sharp glares. Me walking by myself, no one by my side. More lonelier than ever. Alone. Alone. Alone.

All of a sudden, she took a deep breath, we both did. We calmed down a little and she ended up taking a seat on the chair beside me. We both stayed quiet for the next few minutes. 

"...Is it really?" She broke the silence.

"Yeah." I replied in defeat. I felt numb. I gave up. I can't avoid it anymore. Whatever I tried doing failed. He will never leave my mind nor my heart. "Go ahead, tell me how disgusting I am."

"You are disgusting." She said. Yep. There it is. This is where it begins. "But never in a million years would it be because you love Junhong. You're disgusting for the same reason why I started this whole argument, cause you play around with people." She continued, whcih made me undeniably shocked. She doesn't think it wrong?! She's completely fine with it?! Don't bull me with this.

"What do you mean it's not disgusting?! I hate feeling like this. He's a guy. I'm a guy. Society doesn't work like that." I blurted out in disbelief. She couldn't possibly think that all of this is okay.

"Sometimes you just gotta forget about society, Yongguk. Besides, society's not worth polishing yourself up for." She replied, looking at me with determined eyes. "It's who you are, Yongguk. In no way should you ever feel ashamed of who you are."

Bull. Bull bull bull. Everything about this is wrong. I know it. We both know it. She doesn't understand. She just doesn't  understand. 

"But it's wrong. It's not right. It's not how I'm supposed to feel. It will never be. But at the same time it's unchangeable. It is disgusting. It's confusing. It's cringeworthy. It's criticizable. It doesn't fit in. It's—"

"Love." She cut me off.

I stared at her, speechless. Without realizing, a tear fell from my left eye. I wonder how long I've been holding it in? Or how much I've been holding in, since it won't stop pouring now. I covered my face with my palms and started sobbing uglily. "What am I going to do?"

"Well, first of all, kill the playboy attitude. It's tiring. Tiring for everyone. Especially to yourself." She started. "Secondly, accept it. I understand why you denied it in the beginning, though. Most people would. If you didn't like it, then it's okay to try to change yourself. But, if it doesn't work out no matter what you did, then it just proves that it is who you are. It's part of you. And you have to accept it, and learn to love it. For others to love you for who you are, you must first learn to love yourself, Yongguk."

She shifted closer to me and wrapped her arm around my back. Surprisingly, I didn't shake her hand away, nor did I shuffle free when she pulled me towards her chest. I cried and cried and cried till I was surprised that I still had any tears left. I've always had the feeling in my gut that this day would come, but I just shrugged the feeling off. Now that it did, I wasn't prepared for it at all. I'm not sure what to make of it.

What I'm sure of is that I wanted to. I wanted to love myself. I've been feeling like for God knows how long. I'm tired of always feeling like I'd be rejected. Maybe today's the day that I'll finally break free from the chains that I've trapped myself with. I won't suffocate anymore. I'll be free.

After what felt like hours, I released from her grasp and wiped my eyes. I looked at her with determined eyes. She understood what it meant and smiled at me. It looked proud, and I somehow felt glad about it. She promised me that she wouldn't tell a soul about what happened, and I trust her. We both finally went home with the skies being dark. And as we walked in silence, lost in our own thoughts, I told myself,

I love Junhong. I always have and I always will. I will not run away from it anymore. A lot of things happen here and there but what have always remained unchanged is,

I love Junhong.