The summer vacation was the worst and felt like the longest period of time ever. Half of it had me locked up at home being stressed as stressed can be. I did nothing productive at all. I lazed around, sleep, barely ate. Everytime Junhong appeared in my mind I would distract myself by playing video games, reading comic books, sketching, and all that other stuff. The other half had me finding a part-time job, which I eventually got at a local convenience  store. I go there every weekday doing day shifts so that more time would be used to occupy my mind. Other times, on my free days I sometimes got asked to go out by my friends. 

But still, as I fall asleep, he just can't leave my tiny little brain.

Weekday.

Train was packed but felt empty. Station was crowded but felt silent. School was loud but felt dead. 

People around but felt lonely.

I sat with my group of friends whom I greeted and they greeted back. They were talking about how fun their Summer was, doing this and that, going here and there. I tried my best to join in the conversation, but my mind kept going astray. One of them asked if I was okay. To which I obviously replied, "I'm fine." One of them also started to talk about Junhong and about his leave. They talked about how he was a fun guy and that it now that he's not with us anymore. Also that it was a shame that he couldn't join us for the stuff we did in Summer without him. They say it's quieter without him.

They're right.

The bell rang shortly after and school was conducted the same way as usual. Boring lessons, boring teachers, boring environment, boring everything. Nothing motivates me to do anything. Nothing excites me. Nothing. Emptiness fills me. I feel so damn empty I didn't know what to do anymore. Even my brain can't think of anything. I hate it. I hate it so much.

Lunch.

My friends wanted to skip lunch and play soccer outside so I ate lunch alone in my old corner. I always sit with Junhong here. But I can't anymore. So I sat by my pitiful self and barely ate whatever was right in front of my eyes. I poked at the green vegetables before stabbing them with my fork and chewing so slowly it would make Junhong squirm. Junghong hates vegetables. 

Wait. There I go again. I thought about Junhong. I should stop.

Just then, there was someone who sat in front of me. I directed my eyes to the person. It was a girl. She doesn't look full Korean, maybe she's half. Her hair's braided in two and she had a small face. She seems like she's in my grade, but I don't know her. I stared at her, but she just smiled brightly at me. 

"Hey!" She greeted cheerfully.

"Sup." I replied flatly.

"Why so glum? It's the first day of school." She asked, still keeping the smile. I guess it was that apparent on my face. 

"No reason."

"..Is that so.." she trailed off awkwardly. I nodded in response. She paused as if trying to find a topic to talk about. "Um..Yongguk?" she started.

Wait. How does she know my name? Who is she? Why does she know me?

"H-how do you know my name?" I asked, confused.

She smiled as if she's holding back laughter. "We're in the same class, idiot." She chuckled. Wait what? Why have I never noticed her before? She's in the same classroom as I am and I haven't the slightest idea who she is. "Proves you don't pay attention to the class much." She smiled, looking at my puzzled face. "I'm Mako." She extended her hand. I shook it. She smiled at me.

She smiles a lot.

Mako and I have been hanging out these two months, and I know this is gonna make me sound cocky, but I think she likes me. I see her blush more than I can count whenever we're together. People around us have even made rumors about us, since she was a pretty known person around the school it turns out. On my point of view though, she's just a friend. She makes me laugh and all, but I don't feel anything more. She tells me her stories sometimes. I found out that she was half Japanese, but never set foot in that country. She was born and raised here in Korea. She can speak English fluenty though since her parents taught her since she was young. I, on the other hand, don't tell her much about myself. I just tell her normal everyday stuff like what happened this day, that day and all. Cause to me she's just a friend.

Today, Mako asked to come to the back of the school. I know exactly where this is going. Yet I still agreed to go. I arrived a bit late, and saw that she was already waiting. 

"Hey.." She greeted timidly, but still keeping that smile of hers.

"Hey." I replied, still flat as ever. 

"Quit that serious face, Guk!" She giggled while pinching my cheek, which made me chuckle, and made her blush. "Well..uh..I asked you to come here to tell you that.. I like you Yongguk, ever since we talked for the first time in the cafeteria, even before that! I see you and my heart skip beats, and I just cannot stop thinking about you..." She said with burning red cheeks. "S-so..Will you go out with me?"

"I..." I was obviously going to refuse. Because I don't like her the way she likes me. I don't think of her the way she does of me. I don't skip beats towards her the way she does towards me. I only feel that with Jun-...

No. I can't keep thinking like this. I can't keep getting hung up on that one person. I can't. I have to stop. I have to throw these thoughts away. It's been two months now, and I still haven't reached my goal of wanting to forget.

.....Maybe, Mako can help me with this. Maybe if I accept her, she'll be able to get my thoughts off of Junhong. Who knows, maybe I'l genuinely start to like her if I go out with her. She's nice, she's funny, she keeps me smiling most of the time. Maybe this'll work out. 

"I feel the same way."

A few weeks passed with Mako and I officially dating. We go out on our free days, to watch a movie or sometimes just to parks and have mini picnics. She's really nice and kind, but she's also the right amount of quirky too. She is a lot of fun. She smiles a lot and blushes too, which I think is cute. She makes the best sandwiches on our picnics and she cares a lot about me. She trusts me with everything and tells me stories about normal everyday things, as well as problems she has. I try to do the same, but I can't get myself to fully open up to her. 

I think, I like her. I like it when I make her smile. I like it that she always makes me laugh. She reduced my thoughts about Junhong, which I am glad about. I like when we hug, her body is small so it feels like I'm hugging a teddy bear. I like how she tries to make me happy. But, for some reason, my heart doesn't do uncontrollable beats in the speed of light when I'm around her. I don't feel super excited when we're about to meet, I just feel like, this is how it's supposed to be. We hug and hold hands, but that's basically as far as we go. We never kissed. I don't feel like I'm ready for that yet. Maybe she's feeling all the things I'm not feeling yet. Not that I'm not happy with her, I am. It's just, it feels sort of different. 

Oh well, I guess I'll need to give it more time.

It's been around 2 months now, and I've seem to be liking Mako better and better now. We didn't make much difference on what we do, we still just go as far as hugs, her feeding me sometimes, piggybacks, etc., nothing too beyond that. What changed though is that our feelings towards each other became stronger, and that we try to understand each other as much as possible. We respect each other's choices. My heart still doesn't throb uncontrollably though, but I decided to ignore that. What matters is that we're together and we are happy in this moment right now.

But..
That happiness didn't last long though.

Mako had to leave. Move out. To another city or whatever. I didn't hear her reason, I don't care about the reason anymore. Just like everyone else. They. Frickin. Leave. All of them. I'm tired of this. I'm mad. So mad about the fact that the people I always grow to care about leaves me. Out of the country, city, school, whatever. I. Don't. Care. Anymore. They just march out of my life carrying that little chance of the two of us ever meeting again. I'm also angry at the fact that I have absolutely zero right to get mad at them, since it is never their fault. Every single time I just have to deal with the fact that I can only accept their leave and be the one who's expected to "understand the situation". This is unfair to me. This pisses me off than the whole issue of them leaving.

I came to the airport to see her off and she hugged me for the last time that day. She reached up to hold my face in her hands and brought it down so that we were eye to eye and inches away from each other. I was worried if she was going to kiss me. I'm still not ready for it yet to be very honest. She must've read my expression and found out about what I was thinking from it, since al she did afterwards was close her eyes, smiled and said, 

"I love you, Yongguk."

I debated on saying the words back to her, since I still wasn't sure if I was feeling love or not. She makes me happy without a doubt, but my heart still holds back. I care about her so much and wouldn't want anyone hurting her, but at the same time I don't trust her enough to tell her all of my stories. I don't know what to say. Her grip on my face tightens, waiting for my answer. Should I say it? Would it be genuine? Would she read right through me?

"Me too."

She kept her eyes closed and kept the smile on her face, but that smile looked weaker. A mixture of disappointment and acceptance that I couldn't say the same words back to her. She let me go, and we said our last farewells. Then she was off.

What's weird, is that my sadness over Mako's leave didn't last long. I did think of her a lot when she just left, but it wasn't out memories we had together. It was more about what she was to me. Was she really someone I could call a person that I truly loved? Or even liked? Even then I still had these doubts in my head. I know this makes me sound like a bad person, since she trusted and genuinely loved me so much, but I cannot deny that this is what I felt. With those thoughts, somehow I start to remember Junhong again. He crawls back into my head. The images from our last encounter on the roof floods my mind like a roaring tsunami. I spent my weekend locked up in my room all over again.

The following week was filled with friends and friends of friends saying it's gonna be okay without her and that I can get my spirits back up again. I told them I was going to be okay and that they didn't have to worry. What they did't know was that she was only occupying a quarter of my mind. Another quarter had Junhong. And half of my brain was trying to figure out a new way to get Junhong out again. 

I'm such a terrible person. I forgot about my girlfriend in a matter of less than a week. My girlfriend that genuinely said she loved me. I guess I was forcing things more than I thought.

Ah well, I don't care about much anymore now. I'm sick of this whole Junhong thing. Interfering with every single thing I do. With every person I'm with.  I'm sick of everything. I've reached my limit of giving a . I'll figure something out eventually. But for now, just,

Whatever.