He wasn’t sure how much time passed after Jiyong said those words. One or two hours? Or maybe even more? Through all of this time they were just sitting, not saying any word. Atmosphere between them started to get really tense and stifling. Seunghyun couldn’t breathe. It was just like somebody all the oxygen from the air. He really wanted to say something. He had so many questions, fighting currently with each other in his head. But what he should ask first? How did Jiyong know about this? Where was Daesung at this time? Why did he come back? What did happen through all of these years? Is he alright? Did they talk? Did he ask about him?

Where?

When?

How?

What?

And the most important: Why?

All of these questions were running through his mind like some sport cars. He was tired, confused but the most-he was just so SCARED. Because when he first heard about it, he was truly happy. His heart started beating again, just like it found a reason to still be alive. Only this thought of having a chance to finally SEE his Angel after all of this time, made him so delighted, complete and peaceful. And in his heart he truly felt like that.

Like he finally found a medicine for his disease.

Like he finally found a light in the end of the tunnel.

Like he finally found his only way in this darkness.

But after this feeling of being so strong, powerful and just completely and truly happy, he came to another realization. It wasn’t Daesung who told him about this. It wasn’t like Dae just stand in the doorway with smile on his face and words: “I’m home”. He didn’t walk to him and kiss him, like he always used to do after his work. He didn’t make him his favourite cake, only to make him smile after some horrible day at office.

NO.

It was Jiyong who told him about it. And if so, whether Daesung even wanted to meet him? If he truly wanted to meet with Seunghyun, why he didn’t call him, write to him or just did SOMETHING? Why did even Jiyong tell him about this? Because it was what Daesung wanted him to do or he was just doing it because of pity for his longtime friend?

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The room was stuffy. Too stuffy. Seunghyun was sure that if he stays here for even a minute more, he will pass out in the middle of the table. So he just got up and without any word, he headed outside. He didn’t have to say anything. He knew that Jiyong will follow him quietly, with all this guilt and sadness written all over his face.

They were currently standing in the little flower-garden situated round the back of the bar. It was really quiet and peaceful place. Except for some insects and late evening birds they were left alone. Even the wind stopped blowing.

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When Seunghyun met Daesung, he just started his job as an editor. He was working on his first book at this time. As a result of it he was constantly stressed and tired. He was a “freshman”  in this whole industry so he had to learn a lot. And he really quickly realized that he had to learn about everything by himself, because right from the beginning he was perceived as a competitor rather than a little brother that you have to take care of  to his co-workers. So right from the start he had to fight with his own lack of the competence and experience in the area of book editing. That’s why he was proud of his job. Because everything that he had achieved was the result of his own work and self-denial. But all this stress made him start smoking. It wasn’t a really strong addiction so he has never considered it as something very dangerous. He was smoking only one or two cigarettes a day. For most of people smoking is a way to calm their nerves. But for him it was just a lame excuse to, at least once a day, had this special chance to sneak into the roof of the building to see this breathtaking sight of the whole city. For him, the view of driving cars, walking people, flying birds and waving trees in the park nearby, was more calming than the cigarette and smoking itself. But of course everything changed when he met Daesung. It wasn’t like Angel didn’t like the smell of cigarettes. Deeply in heart, Seunghyun knew that he was worried about his health, but at the same time while they weren’t a couple for a long time, he didn’t want to force anything on him. So after this one particular evening when Daesung mentioned something about that he will have problems with his lungs and heart in the future if he smokes like this, he has never said anything more. It was Seunghyun, who one day realized that he has to quit smoking. Right now. In this moment. Why, will you ask? Because he drew a conclusion that smoking would surely shorten his life. In his mind, it looked like this:

SHORTER LIFE=LESS TIME SPEND WITH DAESUNG

And this was the definite reason to quit smoking. Until now…

Because right now he knew that nothing could calm his nerves. Nothing. But still you can try, right?

So without any more thinking, he just took out the last cigarette that remained from the time when he was a heavy smoker from the pocket of his black coat and smoked it, while staring at a little blue bird sitting on the bench.

-Hyung?-Jiyong’s voice cut the silence like a knife. It was just like Seunghyun was starting to learn how to talk again.

-Eh?

-I’m… sorry.

Similarity of these words made his heart ache. Maybe he was this kind of person. Or maybe this was a cruel joke of his own faith that in the end he always ended up hurting, left only with these words: “I’m sorry”.

-Why are you sorry? It’s not your fault.

-But… Maybe I should have told you earlier.

It was the first time when Seunghyun looked at his friend after they left the bar. Jiyong was standing next to him. He bended down his head and was staring intensively at the ground. Even from this point of view, Seunghyun could definitely say that he was all shaking. Was he crying? Why?

It wasn’t his fault. From all the people in this world, it surely wasn’t HIS fault. The black-haired editor felt the wave of regret for making his friend like this, immediately after he heard the first sob. Without any second of doubt he ran to him and hugged him as tight as Jiyong did that when they met in the “Green Dwarf”. He wasn’t sure how long they just stood there, wrapped in each other arms. The thing that made him come back to reality was the first tear that left his eye. The first, but not the last this evening.

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It was a while before they finally were ready to talk. There were a lot of questions, but too little time.

-Hyung…-It was Jiyong, who started the whole conversation. Through his skin Seunghyun felt that he really wanted to just get rid of it.

-Please, Jiyong. Please. Tell me this one thing. Why?- It was quiet, nearly in whisper. But the emotions behind this short word were so loud that for Jiyong it was just like his hyung was shouting this straight into his ear.

-I don’t know that. I’m sorry…

-Stop saying that you are sorry!-It was too sudden and too harsh. But Seunghyun was holding back all these emotions for such a long time, that he couldn’t stand it anymore. But the sad thing was that it wasn’t Jiyong who should see his heart. It was addressed to somebody else.-I’m sorry. I didn’t want to scare you. I just… I just… I just don’t know what to think about this. Not anymore. I thought that maybe I finally came to terms with my feelings for him, but I… I… I…

And that was it. Seunghyun started crying. First it was a single tear that left his right eye and streamed down his face, only to end up on his leather shoe. But after this one was another one and another and another. He knew that in his current state of mind, he won’t be able to stop. He never was.

-See? It’s like this every time. Every time when I even THINK about him. What kind of man have I become?

And there was this silence. And again it was Jiyong who started talking once more. He couldn’t stand seeing Seunghyun like this. He couldn’t stand his tears anymore. He knew his hyung for a really long time. And that’s why he couldn’t deny his words. When they met he was a young boy with unusual imagination and strength to achieve everything in this world. Now he was just a broken man. He was weak, confused and hurt. And it only made him even madder about Daesung’s arrival. Why did he even come back? Why did he have to torture Seunghyun’s heart like this? Didn’t he do enough to make him suffer?

-Hyung… It’s not your fault. I know that deep inside you are still my funny and strong Hyunnie. I really want to help you, but… I found out about his arrival yesterday. It was Bom who saw him, while he was getting off the train. She couldn’t believe her eyes so she called me. I was as surprised as she, but I knew that I have to be sure before I will tell YOU anything. So I drove there and… Yeah, I saw him. It was him. He has now blond hair and I think he is thinner than the last time. I don’t know… Maybe I just didn’t see him for such a long time, that I don’t even remember how he looks like? But it was basically it. I didn’t speak to him and I’m sure that he didn’t see me.

-And you just let him walk away?

Jiyong felt his heart beating faster. He could definitely sense anger radiating from his hyung’s words. And this raised voice combined with tears that were still falling from his dark eyes, made the whole scene even more terrifying.

-I… Well…It was too fast… And I was too shocked…

-So you just stood there?! Like a freaking stone?! How could you be so dumb?!

Right now Seunghyun wasn’t whispering or even talking in raised voice. He was screaming. But what scared Jiyong the most was that he wasn’t really angry. He was just confused, lost and desperate. He was like a little boy, abandoned by everyone in the middle of the ocean of his own tears. And it only made Jiyong more mad and angry.

-Maybe I’m dumb and really stupid, but I don’t regret it! You know why?!

Seunghyun was speechless. He knew that right now he should punish his dongsaeng for rudeness, but even a little sound couldn’t left his mouth. He couldn’t believe that he was still talking to the same pure, nice and kind Jiyong from some hours ago.

While Seunghyun was sitting in a deep state of shock, Jiyong roughly wiped big tears forming in the corners of his eyes and after two deep breaths, he just continued while staring at his hyung with wild eyes and clenched teeth.

-You know why?! Because I didn’t want you to know. Hell! I didn’t even want him to come back. Ever…

-Watch your words!

-Not this time, hyung! How can you be so blind?! How… How can you love him so much even after what he did to you?! How?! Yeah, I didn’t want him to come back, because I just simply didn’t want you to suffer again! Is this so difficult to understand?!

So Jiyong was trying to protect him? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? He was his hyung. He should be the one to protect him and taking care of him. But after all, Jiyong always was the responsible one.

-Ji…

-No! Let me finish! I didn’t want you to know, because I knew that when he would stand in your doorway, you would forgive him. You would forget about everything and pretend that you are happy with this thought that he is next to you, even for some days. But after that… After that he would leave you again. Without any word. With silent apology. And I would again come to your place and see you so broken and hurt. And again you would be crying for months on my shoulder. And again you would be drinking and smoking. And… And… I know, hyung! I knew that you wanted to commit suicide! I know it!-Jiyong was crying and shaking so badly that he could barely stand.-And it was all because of HIM! You were such a great friend. You were so happy… I remember these days when you were smiling! You have such a beautiful smile, hyung… And when I heard about this…How could he do this to you? You loved him so much! How could he be so cruel?! I… I just couldn’t let this happen again! I.. I.. I couldn’t stand this thought that maybe this time… I can lose you…

These were his last words before Seunghyun embraced him once more. He felt guilty. So guilty… After Daesung’s leaving he was only thinking about his own pain. He didn’t realize that his friend was suffering just like him. Or maybe even more.

-I’m sorry…-He really didn’t know what to say. For the hundredth time this evening he was at loss what to do. So he was just standing, hugging Jiyong as tightly as he could, just waiting for the other to stop crying. When this moment came, the younger boy released himself from his hyung’s arms and just pulled him on the green bench situated between white roses and some purple hyacinths. He was silent, but only for a while. When he spoke his voice was quiet and soft.

-You don’t have to apologize. It’s like… You always was like a older brother to me. I still remember how you helped me in high school. How you took care of me, when I had some problems. And how you supported me, when I started working as an artist. To be honest, you were the only one at that time who was proud of me, hyung.-On his face appeared a weak smile and finally he stopped crying. It made Seunghyun feel a little better.

-Yeah, you were so brave. I’m still proud of you, you know? And… I’m sorry. I know that you were just trying to protect me from more pain. And I’m infinitely grateful for that. But… Maybe I’m just a fool in love. Maybe I’m too blind to see the truth. Because after all… The love is blind, right? I’m sorry, Ji. But I have to see him. I have to talk with him. I have to do this, because I can’t live anymore with so many questions in my life. I just want to ask him WHY? Why did he leave me? Why did he come back? I know, that maybe for you it’s just a way to make my life harder and more painful. But believe me Ji, there isn’t anything more painful in this world than UNCERTANITY. That’s why I have to meet him. I can’t let him walk away, while he is the one with all my answers…

Jiyong nodded his head. He knew that his hyung was right. Maybe he was younger, but still he knew something about love and life. He knew that the worst thing is not to know anything. And even when he realized why Seunghyun was so eager to meet with Daesung, he still couldn’t help, but feel uneasy about their meeting. So they will just meet after such a long time, then talk and walk away. That will be all? Jiyong was afraid that even when Seunghyun will find these answers that he was looking for, all this situation will leave him even more heartbroken. How is it to meet a person that you love after such a long time? A person that you love who left you alone without a word of explanation? How is it?

-You still love him, right?

-Yes. I love him. And I will love him forever. No matter what he will do or say. I will love him with all my heart and soul. ALWAYS.

Seunghyun swallowed the tears that were trying to escape from his eyes. He didn’t want to show his weakness again. But the most important was that he didn’t want Jiyong to suffer. Having friend like him was a truly blessing and he didn’t want to lose that. While his mind was telling that Jiyong was right and he just should forget about everything, his heart was aching to just see Daesung.

To hear his voice again.

To hug him as tightly as he can.

To kiss him like there is no tomorrow, like nothing has never happened between them.

He couldn’t be angry at his heart, while it was just trying to find his owner.

And, like you will see in this story, it wasn’t the last time, when he will do what his heart was telling him to do.

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Hey, it’s Arvena again :3 It’s first “real” chapter of this story. I’m not sure if it is good enough… I hope that you like it. Again, I’m really sorry for mistakes.

I want to thank EVERYBODY for subscriptions and comments. You make my heart sing like the most beautiful nightingale! :3

I also want to thank DaeDaeAngel  so muuuch! I want to buy you a unicorn for your help! :D You are the greatest! I hope you will be my guardian Angel for this story till the very end ;)

I want to also inform you that right now I’m going on a trip with my family. So this is the last chapter before my leaving. I promise that when I will come back I will update this story :)

And lastly: Please comment! I really want to know what you think about this! Do you like it? Should I continue? And what do you think happened with Daesung? :)

Loving you all with my heart and soul <3