Just another ordinary day at EXO-M's spaceship and house. Luhan was giggling as he talked on the phone with his normal citizen boyfriend, Sehun. Xiumin learning troll lessons from Chen who was trying to troll on Lay but the latter was too smart for his tricks. And of course, Tao following Kris around everywhere he went.

"Kris gege! What are you doing? What's that? Why are you so freaking tall? Why are you so damn lazy and always reply 'maybe next time'? Do you want to shower with me, I'm too scared to go by myself. I want a panda. Kris gege! Are you even listening to me?!"

Kris's eye twitched and he finally snapped, "Not now Tao! I don't have time for your constant yapping!"

Tao tried holding back his sniffles but it was no use. "You don't love me do you?" He cried to Kris as he threw a pillow at his so called 'boyfriend'

"Tao of course I-"

"NO! You never listen to me! You never treat me like the princess that I am and you are always pissed for no reason! What are you, PMSing?!" He threw another pillow at Kris but he dodged it. "I have time control as my power stupid!" And next thing Kris knew, a pillow was squished against his face without even seeing Tao move because he used his power to stop time and shove a pillow at Kris's face.

"Tao! Stop it!" Kris tried ordering him to stop but pillows kept appearing against his face. "I'm sick of you! I'm gone!" Tao yelled.

And with that, Tao stormed off and Kris thanked Krisus that it was finally  quiet.

"AHAHAHA Sehun! You're so funny! How can an alpaca be cute?! Even it it's a stuffed animal, it's so lame and ugly!" 

"Are you making fun of Ace?!"


<><><><>


"You're my friend right?" Tao asked the panda that was eating bamboo behind the bars at the zoo.

It burped and Tao laughed uncontrollably, "Of course you are!" Another panda crawled towards the other and cuddled with it. "Awww how cute! You guys are hugging! Anyways, back to Kris..."

Grunt. "Yeah I know, Kris is a jerk to me sometimes but I still love him. Is that bad?" Growl. 

"I just wish he could show me that he loves me sometimes. Is that too much to ask?" Both pandas grunted.

"It's like you two are really talking back to me, with all the weird noises and everything! Anyways, you're both great listeners but I have to go now. I wish I could take one of you home, but of course Kris would yell at me..." More grunts and growls.

"I'll see you later panda pals!" Tao skipped off to see other animals just as a little girl ran past him to look at the pandas. "Mommy! Look! The pandas are wrestling!"

"OMG COVER YOUR EYES!"


<><><><>


"Tao seriously like, disappeared! He has been gone forever!" Chen was running around the house screaming Tao's name. "He's been gone for so long because Kris was being an !"

"Dude, he's been gone for like 45 minutes." Xiumin stated as he laid on the couch watching TV with a bag of chips. "Kris was an though, I'll give you that."

"You both do know I am right here and can hear everything you say right?" Kris turned to look at them from the computer screen.

"HOLY ! How long have you been sitting there?!" Chen screamed sarcastically. Xiumin chimed in, "Why else would we say those things? It's because you can hear, that's what makes it fun...you ."

Lay walked into the living room and jumped on the love seat sofa with a big old smile. "Why are you so happy?" Xiumin asked as he threw a chip at Chen who was trying to catch it in his mouth.

"Lay has a boyfriend~" Luhan sang informing the rest as he entered the room. "Yeah, he got a boyfriend the other night when he told me he was about to catch the leader of EXO-K! This punk!" Kris frowned and glared at Lay who sunk in his seat.

"Suho? How come we aren't allowed to see how he looks, other then you?" Luhan asked as he grabbed a water bottle from the fridge in the kitchen. "For real, who made you leader?" Chen whined as he frowned.

"Obviously I made myself leader. None of you are leader material and Suho's face is confidential because he is ugly." Kris laughed at his last comment like he was hilarious for saying that.

"NO HE ISN'T!" Lay jumped up from the couch and yelled at Kris, shocking everyone in the room. "I-I mean, you sent me a picture of him remember? He's not ugly, he's handsome...for a Derp, that is"

"Why do you care?" Kris raised an eyebrow skeptically. Xiumin gasped with wide eyes. "Lay! Is your boyfriend-"

"Now is not the time to talk about Lay's boyfriend, we are talking about Suho!" Luhan yelled as he slammed his water bottle down on the counter top. "Why can't we see his face, Kris?!"

"Because he is my cousin and we are related alright?!" Kris yelled and Lay gasped somewhat a little disgusted.

"Cousin?!" Everyone shouted together. "Gross!" Chen screamed as he fake puked. "Exactly! I didn't want anyone to know but since you put a gun to my head and forced it out of me..."

"Does anyone have a gun?" Lay looked around confused.

"I'm back! Did anyone miss me?" Tao raised both arms in the air and threw his head back. "NOT NOW TAO!" Kris screamed angrily. Tao started bawling and ran to his room slamming the door shut behind him.

"I know we are villains, but dayum, you should try to be more like Suho." Kris cringed at Chen's words. Exactly why he hated people knowing Suho was his cousin, everyone wanted him to be like Suho, and now even his own villainous team.

"Like I said: !" Xiumin turned off the TV and walked out the living room, followed by Chen. "Nice going..." Luhan shook his head and told Lay to follow him out the room to leave Kris alone.

Kris sighed bitterly and walked to Tao's room. "Tao." He knocked on the maknae's door harshly. "Tao open up." He demanded with venom clearly visible in his voice. No response.

He sighed and was about to give up when he saw Xiumin leaning against a wall in the hallway and shake his head as he whispered, "," and walked away.

He knocked again, softer tone this time and begged for Tao to open the door. "Please Tao...I'll do anything. Please forgive me. I do love you. It's just hard for me to express myself openly. I'll do anything to prove my love for you."

Tao opened the door in an instant and smirked. "Anything?" D'oh , what was he thinking of?

He stepped aside to let Kris in his room and when he did, he closed the door and smirked darkly. "Anything you say?" He walked circles around Kris and eyed him up and down. Well, Kris sure didn't seem to have a problem with this. All he had to do was sleep with Tao and he was forgiven? Sweet. Win-win situation, right? WRONG.

"Capture a real panda for me!" Tao demanded as he clasped his hands together and pouted his lips.

"Are you crazy?! A real panda? No way Tao!" Kris turned around to leave this crazy man in his crazy room when Tao huffed and crossed his arms as he hissed, "Then I guess you don't love me at all. Why don't we just break up right here, right now then?"

Kris stopped dead in his tracks. "W-What? Are you serious?"

"Dead serious. Get me a ing panda by tonight or I'm breaking up with you." Tao poked Kris's shoulder which each word, and before Kris could even realize what just happened he was locked out of Tao's room again.

"Hahaha I never knew Tao wore the pants in this relationship and Kris wore the pink frilly skirt with a matching lacy bra and set!" Chen laughed as he held his stomach. "Hey look you guys! It's Kristina!"


<><><><>


Clearly, Tao was joking right? Hahaha NO. He was not. He wanted a real damn panda. WTF.

Kris was flying through the city trying to figure out how he was going to get a real life freaking panda when he saw a nearby zoo. He landed outside and paid for a ticket to enter hoping they would have pandas.

He walked all around the zoo until he saw the panda exhibit! He was saved! All he had to do was sneak it out!

"Why is it empty?!" Kris yelled once he reached the exhibit and realized there was a sign which read: 'PANDA S*X BE BACK LATER LOLZ'

"Mommy, what is S-dot-X?"

"OMG WTF?! WHY DO THEY HAVE THAT SIGN?! CLOSE YOUR EYES AGAIN!"

"Mommy what does 'WTF' mean?"

Kris shook his head as he said out loud thinking to himself, "What the is wrong with people these days?"

"Does WTF mean what the ?!"

Kris slapped his mouth shut after realizing what he said out loud and ran away.

Great. Now what was he to do? The pandas where having y time while he was most likely never going to get some ever again.

His phone started vibrating and he checked his caller ID before picking up. "What." He answered annoyed when he realized it was one of his fellow villainous hyungs.

"Kris, I need your help with the ladies tonight. You my wingman or what?"

"Sorry, I can't help you." Kris scoffed as he thought this was ridiculous. "I'm searching for a real panda at the moment. Can't be your wingman tonight."

"A panda you say?"

"Mmhmm."

"I can sell you one of mine. One of my pandas had babies and I could let you adopt one if you like..." Kris was listening now. "Really?! That would really help me out! But how do you have pandas?!"

"Dude, my nickname is Panda. Of course I got real pandas, I got tons of them, both alive and dead and I even donated some to the zoo! The alive ones of course..."

"Seungri, you donated those pandas that are going at it as if they were bunnies?"  Kris massaged his temple and chuckled. "That actually makes sense, you horn-dog."

Seungri laughed and retorted, "Panda see, panda do!"

"That's really disgusting."

"Whatever, you want to buy panda or not?"

"YES! I'll be there in a couple minutes!" Kris hung up, thanked Krisus he was saved and flew off to Seungri's pad.

When he got there, Seungri was waiting for him outside. "Alright..." He whispered lowly as he looked around to see if anyone was watching. "Follow me, and make sure no one is following us."

"This is your house though..." Kris ignored the comment of possible followers and walked inside the house behind Seungri, who was army crawling across his foyer and into the humongous living room. "Why are you on the-"

"GET DOWN DAMMIT! THE FUZZ MIGHT SEE US!" Seungri tackled Kris to the ground and covered his mouth while whisper shouting, "You wanna get caught, huh punk?! Then shut the hell up and crawl to my basement! Crawl!!" He crawled liked a ninja and Kris stumbled to catch up with him.

Once in the basement Kris was about to ask what that was all about when Seungri glared at him. He poked his shoulder while hissing, "This here is illegal , bro. This is worse then selling drugs, ya know? These are real freaking animals that are dangered too! One sudden mess up and the police show up? I'm dead! My mama's a cop! That's why I was crawling upstairs!" Seungri shouted then started laughing randomly like a crazy person.

"Dude what the heck. Why are you laughing? Are you high or something?!" Kris stepped back from the creep who frowned and retorted, "Who do you think I am? That's T.O.P and G-Dragon who are High High." Ah ha. Ah ha. I see what you did there, author. Lame joke. -__-

"Yeah okay whatever, can you just sell me a panda so I can get out of here?"

Seungri bish slapped Kris across the face and growled, "You think I can just sell you a damn panda and you can be on your merry freaking way?! You need to pass the test first!" Seungri pulled a lever and a garage like door lifted up, revealing an underground panda habitat that ran for what looked like miles. There were pandas everywhere!

"How is this even possible-"

"SILENCE!" Seungri bish slapped him again and whistled for his partner, a random guy in a panda suit, to commence the battle field-wait, battle field?! This author is too crazy and insane. Maybe she got High High with T.O.P and G-Dragon.

"In order for me to sell you a panda, you need to pass the test. You have to go in that arena over there," Seungri pointed to a large cage on a high platform. "And you have to fight KlurBurBaFerb."

"KluhWerbATurd?"

"KlurBurBaFerb!"

"KlutzBatKerNerb?"

"JUST CALL HIM BOB!"

"Tom?"

Seungri pushed Kris up the steps as his panda suited partner opened the cage door. "O-Okay wait!" Kris was trying to object but Seungri was already locking the door.

"Bring out KlurBurBaFerb!"

Kris's breathing fasten, he turned in circles and ran to the edge of the cage close to where Seungri stood. "What the hell is going on?! In order for me to purchase a panda, I have to kill one?!"

Seungri frowned confused. "KlurBurBaFerb isn't a panda..."

*GRRRRRRRROOOOWWWWL*

Did he even dare to turn around?

Closing his eyes, he slowly turned around to see what kind of dangerous animal he had to fight to the death. "What the fudge. It's the guy who was wearing the panda suit, but now he's just wearing a tiger suit." Kris looked to Seungri who was laughing and clapping his hands like a seal. "No one can defeat my assistant, KlurBurBaFerb! Have fun passing the test!" He laughed evilly as he rubbed his hands together.

KlurBurBaFerb cried out in pain as Kris walked up to him and kneed him right his his man privates, then kneed him in the face, stepped back and crotch grabbed himself with a y wink, and KlurBurBaFerb completely exploded into little pieces leaving a pile of dust and a crater into the floor. Because NO ONE can handle or survive witnessing Kris's y crotch grabs.

"So...where's my panda?"


<><><><>


"Here is your damn panda."

Tao looked up from his Seventeen magazine surprised. "Y-You actually got me...a real panda?"

Kris gave a small smile and held up the panda to Tao. "Well you did ask for a real panda so...yeah, I kind of had to. I went through a lot of crazy for this little damn fur ball." 

"I thought you were just going to get me a real life sized panda plushie! That's what I meant!" Tao held the panda in his arms and giggled when the panda nudged his nose against Tao's chest.

"You. Meant. Whut."

Tao put the panda on the floor and sat on the edge of his bed then patted his lap to call the panda over. "I meant a real life sized panda plushie!"

Kris closed his eyes and tried to calm himself when he felt warmth wrap around his body. He looked down to see Tao hugging him and nuzzling his nose into the crook of his neck. "Thank you." He whispered as he gave Kris a peck on the cheek. "I really love you."

Kris could feel his face heat up so he fake coughed and looked away. "I-It was no problem."

"Aww isn't that cute? It's hugging my leg!" Tao squealed at the panda who was cuddling-wait...

"TAO! Get that thing off your leg! OHMYGOD. WHAT IS IT DOING?! SEUNGRI!!"

A/N

LOLOL     

Tao's leg being ed by a small panda xD Sorry, idk what was with all the random ual moments in this chapter xD

I'm sorry if this chapter wasn't that funny or great. But i personally like it...maybe because of Kris's crotch grab killing KlurBurBaFerb A.K.A Bob A.K.A Tom A.K.A. idkwhatevereyouwanttocallthatweirdo.

I'll try to update a chapter with the Derp Squad next! :D