Cross my heart and hope to lie

Chapter One

Siwon

December 1^st, 2012

Seoul, South Korea

Driving through the evening traffic of Seoul, Siwon kept listening to random songs, singing along with the melody or just tapping his index finger on the steering wheel as he followed the rhythm.

He yawned, stopping the car at the traffic light so that he could finally rub his eyes. He was looking forward to get home, have a shower and then sleep until ten in the morning. At least.

He hadn't had a proper sleep in days because of his packed schedule – he barely had time to breathe. But the shooting was finally over and he had almost nothing to do in the next days.

As the light turned green, he started driving and turned right, heading towards Namsan Park, since his house wasn't far from it.

He was so absorbed in his own thoughts and he didn't notice that a new song was playing – a song he wanted to delete from his mp3, but he just couldn't.

I walked across an empty land,

I knew the pathway like the back of my hand...

As he heard the lyrics and that unmistakable melody, Siwon jumped on his seat and tried switch song, but he only made the volume louder. He cursed the new car under his breath and tried to understand which button he had to push.

I felt the earth beneath my feet,

sat by the river and it made me complete.

As the song went on, the words were involuntarily displaying in his mind and Siwon couldn't do anything but listen to them, while past memories were flashing before of his eyes. Memories of better times – happier times. Times in which everything he needed was that person, and no one else. That person that, now, was gone for good.

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.

So, tell me when you're gonna let me in.

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

It had been a while since the last time he had thought about Yesung. Sure, he hadn't forgotten him – how could he? – but he somehow managed to go on with his life.

He finally understood a lot of things. Siwon had started to think about any little detail of their relationship, anything that would give him an hint of what his boyfriend was actually doing at that time.

And there were a lot of evidences.

Like how the latter would act strangely from time to time – looking worried, stressed and out of whack. Or, why Yesung had never introduced him to any of his colleagues and why he seemed to remember every single thing they would say or do. He also noticed that, despite all those times when he used to take Yesung to the library where he theorically worked, he had never seen the raven stepping inside the store.

By the time, confusion had started chewing his inside and Siwon had kept on wondering how he couldn't be suspicious at all.

After days, weeks, months of anguish and dejection, his best friend Donghae had taken him to a random bar by force, imposing him to be the friendly and out-going Siwon he used to be. It took him some time to come back to his old self, but he made it, and now he wasn't feeling blue anymore.

Despite sporadic moments in which something would remind him of the guy he missed so much, Siwon was pretty happy with his current life, and he had convinced himself that between him and Yesung wasn't meant to be. He had gathered Yesung's clothes, books and objects, locking them in a box, hidden in the loft of his house.

It didn't matter how many times he tried, he couldn't throw someone's life in the garbage can – especially after he'd been part of that life.

It didn't matter how many months or years passed, he couldn't help it.

Yesung was still a vague but costant element in his life.

And probably would always be.

Yesung

November 30^th, 2012

Seoul, South Korea

The room was cold, high-ceilinged and empty, with grey walls full of chinks. He couldn't see anything, since there was no light and apparently not even a light bulb. Everything was dark and quiet. For the first time in his life, Kim Yesung was actually scared. He didn't know where he was and if he was going to make it until the end of the day – supposing it wasn't night yet. Shivers were running up and down his spinal column and it didn't metter how hard he tried to calm down, he couldn't. His heart was beating so fast that he thought it was going to explode in any minute, as he remembered how he'd got there.

He remembered those faces, how he'd desperately tried to run away, to avoid the bullets that were flying dangerously near to his head and chest, and how he attempted to back out of those arms that succeeded to grab him anyway.

Then, everything had gone black since the moment he had woken up where he was at the moment, tied on that chair in the middle of that empty room, hands and feet trapped with tight ropes.

As the door opened, leaving a muscular figure inside the chamber, he already knew what was going to occur.

A tear rolled down his cheek, but then he swallowed, ready to face whatever was about to happen.

He had to. For Siwon.

-Mister Kim? Mister Kim, wake up, please.

A soft voice sneaked in Yesung's ears, waking him up from his dream. Or, to be precise, his nightmare. He looked around and his eyes met the ones of the woman standing in front of him, who was smiling at him:

-We've just arrived at the airport, Mister Kim- she said with a professional tone and only at that moment Yesung pointed out that he was the only one left on the plane:

-Oh...- he muttered, standing up from his spot, still a bit drowsy.

-Thank you- he said, as he grabbed his hand luggage and bowed to the hostess that was now waving at him, uttering the usual: -Enjoy Seoul and have fun.

He just nodded at those words, getting out of the plane and reaching the airport. He only had his backpack with him, so he completely ignored the crowd of people that was waiting for their luggage and he tried to go out of that place as soon as possible. He wanted to breathe that air again, to smell fried kimchi and to walk on those sidewalks and streets – the ones he knew so well and that would lead him to his destination, sooner or later.

Even if he was gone during the last year, Seoul was still the same chaotic and crowded city.

Luckily for him, he loved chaos and people. He thought it was the perfect combination, especially for someone like him, who had a work like his. Confusion was costantly needed, since it was sure that no one would pay attention to an apparently common guy surrounded by thousands of actually common guys.

Sighing and smiling, Yesung called a cab and asked the driver to bring him to the hotel where he'd booked a room.

During the relatively short trip, he kept looking out of the window, studying the city, staring at the people who were walking serenely on the sidewalks, and smiling whenver he would spot a karaoke or a sushi bar.

He sighed, leaning on the seat: he had missed all of those little things he was used to. Of course, not as much as he had missed the most important person of his whole life.

Just by thinking of Siwon, Yesung felt a tight grip clenching his heart and he closed his eyes, trying to focus on anything but his lover.

But as soon as his eyelids covered his orbs, various images of the last months popped in his mind – horrifying memories of that nightmarish year. He jumped on his seat, opening his eyes and trying to calm down, staring again at the buildings that was surrounding him.

He was looking at random things and random people, and apprently nothing was wrong with him. But, deep inside his mind, he kept on seeing those images, like a broken DVD that couldn't help but show always the same part of the film.

Too bad it was the awful reality and not a cheap action movie.

* * * * *

Standing in the bathroom of his temporary room, Yesung examined his face reflected in the mirror in front of him. His skin was pale, he had a few scratches on his cheeks and near his eyes – free gifts of his kidnapper, just to make sure he wouldn't forget the matter anytime soon. Those few cuts were nothing compared to what he had to endure those past months.

He kept studying his face – ignoring the awful bags under his eyes – and, slowly, he touched his dark red hair. They were shorter than before, but he was pretty satisfied with the new color. He ran his fingers through a few strands before focusing again on his whole figure.

His face was pinched and shrunken, while his neck ceased in protruding collar bones and bony shoulders. His arms were even thinner than he remembered and the pair of pants he was wearing was loosen around his hips. He tied the lace, trying to make it more comfortable and, at least, it wasn't slowly slipping down his thights anymore.

Getting into a pair of slippers, he opened the door of the bathroom and sighed deeply, turning off the lights so that he couldn't look at himself anymore.

-Ah, Jongwoon-ah- a happy voice called him from a corner of the room:

-You look handsome with those hair. I did a great job, didn't I?

Yesung sighed, scarcely smiling: -Yeah, Heechul hyung, you did.

The elder clasped his hands together and his eyes lighted up.

-Heechul hyung...- Yesung furrowed his eyebrows: -You look over the moon.

-I am over the moon, Jongwoon-ah. My favorite dongsaeng is back and he is, more or less, alive. Sure, you look horrible with that pale face of yours and those scratches, but you're going to be fine. You'll eat, gain some weight – so that I won't see every single bone of your body anymore – and you'll come back to the same, old Yesu-- oh, sorry, Jongwoon.

Yesung ignored Heechul's jabber and walked towards the window. He sat on the windowsill and stared at the city in front of him. He was grateful to his hyung: he would look cinical and always act like he didn't give a damn of the people around him – yes, maybe it was partially true – but, still, he was one of the most caring people Yesung had ever known. He knew he was lucky to have someone like Heechul by his side.

-I don't know, Heechul hyung...- he said, suddenly, looking at the elder: -I don't know if I want to come back to my old self- he spoke with a husky voice.

The latter looked at him in disbelief.

-W-what? Why?

-I-- It's not like nothing happened, Heechul hyung. It's not like I can just come back in town and say Hey, I'm back and I'm ready for another mission, maybe this time I will actually get killed.

Seconds passed by but no one said another word. Heechul stared at his best friend with an incomprehensible expression on his face, while Jongwoon was looking out of the window, but he wasn't actually seeing anything of what was before his eyes. After a few mintes, he opened his mouth again, still looking at nothing:

-I don't want to step into that place anymore. I'm done. I'm here to start off a new life. I don't want to hold a gun anymore, punch someone, or run away to save my life. I just want to live quietly and happily. Am I asking that much?

Heechul looked at him with teary eyes:

-No, Jongwoon-ah, you aren't.

Yesung looked at his hyung and smiled at him, before turning his gaze to the window, one more time. He stared at the blue sky, dotted with white and puffy clouds.

It had been a while since the last time he had been able to lay down and look at the sky. He couldn't wait to see the stars one more time, later that night.

He wasn't planning to sleep – he didn't want either – since he couldn't close his eyes without panicking, as old memories would start to flow under his eyelids, recalling him of days he wanted to forget with all his will.

He wished he would have never seen such things.

Heechul had left soon that afternoon, just in order to come back later, with bags full of clothes, food and a few papers. Yesung eyed him, standing up to help his hyung with those heavy sacks.

-Hyung...- he said, doubtful: -What-- Why-- Can you explain... this?

Heechul looked at him with a big smile on his face: -Isn't it obvious? I bought you clothes and something to eat.

-Yeah, but I have a few clothes. And I don't have the slightest intention to stay here.

-And that's why I bought you some papers, too- his hyung explained, putting the bags on the floor.

-C'mon- he said, sitting on the bed with Yesung and holding the papers: -Let's look for jobs and apartments on rent. Something we both can afford, of course.

Yesung stopped leafing through a random journal and looked at Heechul:

-We? Don't you have an apartment?

-Yes, I do- Heechul nodded as he kept on reading some advertisements: -But you have no money.

Yesung grumbled a few words, but the elder decided to ignore him and go on with his research.

In a few hours, the cat-eyed man had already found a few apartments and jobs, but Yesung was still hesitant.

-What's wrong, Jongwoon-ah?- Heechul asked him as he heard a sigh – just another in a long series of deep breaths.

Yesung ignored his hyung, turned a page of the paper and scanned it without paying attention to what he was reading. He didn't even notice that Heechul was glancing over his shoulder:

-I didn't know you liked football.

He jumped, surprised, and actually looked at the page under his nose.

-You're on the sport section, Jongwoon-ah- the elder laughed a bit: -C'mon, tell me what's wrong.

Yesung sighed – again – and put the journal aside:

-I'm just scared. This whole “new life” thing... it scares me a bit. What if I don't get a job? And if I do, maybe I won't earn enough money, or they'll fire me after two days.

-Gee, Jongwoon, that's the spirit- Heechul snorted, sarcastically. Yesung just rolled his eyes and turned another page.

-No, seriously- the other attacked again: -Try to think positively.

The only answer he got was another deep sigh. He gave up. Momentarily.

Because Kim Heechul never gives up.

They stayed quiet for a while, until Yesung jumped on the bed, widening his eyes:

-What if they find me?

Heechul turned to his left and glared evily at his dongsaeng, before slamming the journal into those red hair and shouting – his voice becoming louder and louder:

-What part of think positively don't you understand?!

* * * * *

-You look great. Not as great as I do, but still... You're quite stunning.

They were standing out of the hotel, in the middle of a crowded sidewalk. People were passing them at a fast pace, everyone headed to a precise destination, but Heechul, apparently, didn't care. He was admiring his work of art – AKA Kim Jongwoon – and he kept congratulating himself on his amazing job.

-Seriously, I'm a genius, am I not? Of course I am. Look at you, my little turtle-boy. You're amazing. I am amazing. I should marry myself.

Heechul blabbered for a few more seconds, before Yesung could finally shut him up.

-Please, Heechul hyung, stop it. Yes, you're great. You did an amazing job and I owe you one. Now, please, can we go to that sushi bar you mentioned before? I'm starving, you know.

Heechus smiled and started walking down the busy street, following his dongsaeng – he just couldn't take his eyes off him. Indeed, he did a great job. With the right clothes on and a bit of make up, Yesung looked like another person – certanly not like one who almost died.

He could see how some people would glance at him twice before looking away: the younger looked like a walking mistery.

Suddenly, Yesung stopped walking and and turned to look at the street on the right. He petrified as he glanced at Heechul, who was staring at him, confused:

-Jongwoon-ah?

-He-Heechul hyung, go ahead- Yesung stuttered, shaking a bit: -I'll join you later.

-Is everything ok?- the elder asked, seriously concerned, but the turtle-boy reassured him with a smile:

-Yes, now go. See you later.

-Well... Ok...

Heechul walked away, still not fully sure about what was going on in the younger's mind.

The red haired man stared at his hyung's back until he couldn't see him anymore. Then, he looked at the neat and quiet street in front of him.

Inhaling deeply, he took one step ahead.

And then another.

And another.

* * * * *

Yesung stayed on the sidewalk for a few minutes, taking deep breaths and looking at the house before his eyes. The walls were still azure painted, lace awning hung on the windows covered by wooden shutter, and the flowerbed was well-groomed and luxuriant as always.

Everything looked like one year ago, but he knew it was nothing but an illusion.

It was the illusion owned by things that doesn't change even if time passes by. And even if they do, they can be fixed by scotch, new flowers or another layer of paint.

Yesung knew that the person who would open the door for him, woudl be changed. He himself was changed, too.

The problem was that he couldn't pretend that the last months didn't take place at all. Everything he had seen kept hunting him in his dreams, wearing his soul out, digging undelible scars, and cuts that couldn't be sewed up.

He knew some wounds would burn in aeternum.

Snapping out of his thoughts, Yesung took a deep breath and pressed a finger on the doorbell. He heard indistinct noises coming from inside the house, beyond the pure white door. Then, as a key was inserted in the keyhole, someone opened the door – while Yesung was already thinking about running away one more time. As the threshold started opening, he clenched his fist and regretted everything. He wanted to turn away and leave but, as soon as he gave a glance beyond the door, he froze on his spot.

He found himself staring at a pair of big, rond blue eyes and at a smooth and milky face, that was framed by a waterfall of blonde and curly hair. Those two sapphire stones stared back at him and the woman had a clearly confused expression printed all over her face.

-Yes?- she said, hesitating, while Yesung was trying to get a grip on himself.

-Uhm... Hello... I'm sorry if I'm bothering you, but... Is Choi Siwon at home?

The unknown girl just smiled and turned around, shouting:

-Honey, there's someone at the door who's looking for you!

As he heard those words, Yesung closed his eyes, inhaling deeply and trying to calm down.

His torture wasn't over, after all.

Siwon appeared in the corridor a few seconds later, while his new girlfriend had already reached the kitchen, since she didn't want to burn the whole dinner.

Yesung glanced at him from the doorway, while the younger was talking to the blonde-haired girl, still unaware of who was waiting for him outside.

The smaller smiled and bit his lower lip, while a single tear rolled down his right cheek.

Siwon was still the same.

Siwon

Siwon was looking at random things on the Internet, when he heard Eliza yelling at him:

-Honey! There's someone at the door who's looking for you!

He frowned, confused, and he stood up from his chair and headed downstairs. Before going towards the door, he stopped by the kitchen, smelling something incredibly good.

-Hey, Eliza, what are you cooking?- Siwon asked as he sneaked his head in the kitchen. The blonde girl smiled at him, pointing at the pots in front of her: -Pasta!

A smile creep on Siwon's face: -Yummie!

Eliza laughed at him: -The door, Siwon.

-Oh, right- he said, snapping out of his fantasies and reaching the door, which was slightly open. He grabbed the doorknob and opened the threshold. He frowned for the second time that evening as he stared at the garden before his eyes, confused.

No one was at the door.

* * * * *

Notes: I'm sorry it took me so long to update but I've been busy doing my summer homework T__T Sadly, I won't be able to update for the next two weeks because I'm going on holiday and probably I won't be able to have an Internet connection. But I'll write the next chapters in the meanwhile :) I will also post a one shot later this afternoon – or tomorrow morning – so... stay tuned!

FYI, it took me quite a long time to write this chapter, and I don't like it AT ALL T____T Sorry if it's ty.

I'm sorry for any grammar mistake you've found: english isn't my mother tongue.

Thanks for reading and a massive THANK YOU to all of those who subscribed and commented this fanfic. I hope you liked this chapter too and, please, let me know what you think about it.

Comments – both positive and negative – are WELCOME.

Bye, see you in two weeks!~~

*hugs everyone*

P.s: The song Siwon is listening in the car is "Somewhere only we know".