Cross my heart and hope to lie

Chapter 4

Yesung

Yesung had thought that he would have been ready, he would have known what to say. He was bitterly disappointed in himself when, as he was sitting right beside Siwon, his mind went blank. His hands were shaking: he had spent the last year thinking about the person that was right beside him, surviving because of him. And, now, he was completely speechless.

He had, honestly, never hoped to see Siwon again. His chances of survival had been almost non existent. Usually, when an agent was caught, he had maximum one hour to run away. Then, he would probably get killed. Yesung had thought he wouldn't have last until the next dawn, but he had struggled for days and months to get to this point: the point in which he would have been able to see Siwon again, to touch him, to hear the voice he had missed so much.

But things had turned out different, taking a sudden and unexpected way. So, there they were, one meter away but, still, no touching at all. Silence was surrounding them and, even though it had been pleasant for the first few minutes, it was starting to feel slightly uncomfortable.

-So,- Siwon coughed. He was sitting awkwardly on his swing, looking at everything but Yesung's face.

-How did you know you'd find me here?

Yesung smiled a bit. -You're a creature of habits. You jog every day at eight fifteen.

-Predictable.

-Yes, you are- the spy nodded.

-You said we had a lot of things to talk about- Siwon's sudden words were as sharp as a knife edge.

-Yeah, I know,- Yesung sighed as his eyes wandered, looking at the sky above them.

-It's just... difficult- he whispered. -There are so many things to say, I don't know how to begin.

-What about from the start?

-From Nice?

-Yes, the first time we met.

Yesung inhaled deeply, locking his gaze with Siwon's for one second.

-It wasn't a coincidence. I mean, the fact that you and I were both in Nice at the same time—that was a coincidence. But I approached you because I had to get to my target, and you were the key.

-So, you weren't drunk?

-Not at all- Yesung half-laughed and Siwon hardly suppressed a faint smile.

-Now I get why you let me finish the drink on my own.

-Well, it's not my entire fault. You were having a great time and I didn't want to interrupt you.

Siwon slightly nodded as he drank a sip of water. -What about the second time, at the coffee shop?

Yesung sighed and lowered his voice. -That was partially planned and partially coincidental. I didn't know you were there, of course. But someone was after me, and I needed to find a way to hide myself. That was when I saw you, and when you accepted to sit down with me, you kind of saved my life.

There was a brief silence between them and Yesung couldn't shake off the feeling of being watched. A chill ran down his spine. He was too exposed for his own liking.

-So- Siwon uttered, breaking his thoughts. -You just used me for the whole time?

Yesung blinked. -That's not what I said.

-That's what it looks like.

-Siwon- the red haired man gulped and turned to his left. -I never lied about my feelings.

-How can I believe you?- was the hissed answer of the actor, as he abruptly stood up with an undefinable look in his eyes. Yesung did the same even though he could feel his legs shake.

-Siwon, I—

-You lied to me since the very first day!- Siwon raised his voice as he tried to contain his tears. Looking at how he was reacting, Yesung felt extremely cold – and it wasn't because of the chilly wind and the wintry weather.

-Siwon, I may have lied the first few times, but do you really think I'm an heartless liar? Do you really think I could have easily faked my feelings for you?

-Then, tell me! Tell me the whole truth!- Siwon's voice got louder and louder. It was even worse than having to cope with an angry Heechul.

Yesung flinched and tried not to burst into tears. -There's no need to yell and there's no need to fight- he said, calmly, even though his voice was shaking lightly. -And I am telling you the truth, Siwon.

-No, you're not. They told me you were dead.

-They didn't know a was alive. For a while, I didn't know either.

-Yesung, please, tell me what happened during this last year.

He hesitated a bit too long. -I—

-Where have you been?- Siwon cut him off. -Why did everyone think you were dead? Tell me, Yesung, please. Because I spent months crying and trying to find a way to go on with my life so that I would forget you. But, guess what?, I couldn't. Because you were always there, in some ways. You were in the pictures hung on the wall, in the clothes I didn't want to throw away. Whenever I would make me some coffee, I would spot your favorite cup and then I would remember that coffee was the beverage you loved the most, so I would get sick and just drink a cup of tea. For months I felt—I felt like everything was meaningless. I could have died and I wouldn't have cared, because I had no one to live for. And this scared me, because before I had you, everything in my life was perfectly fine and I didn't care if no one was waiting for me at home. But then I met you and everything changed. And then, in the blink of an eye, you were gone—for good, apparently. And only when I lost you I realized how much I loved you and needed you.

Siwon panted harshly at the end of his sudden mologue—as if those words had been incredibly difficult to voice out. Yesung was standing in front of him, with watery eyes and lips parted in a soundless surprise. He hadn't expected all of this—the speech and all the emotions it had bobbed up. He tried to say something, but nothing came out of his lips, except for a whispered apology.

-I'm sorry.

Siwon stepped toward him, slowly, his hands clenched around the bottle of water.

-Please, Yesung- he murmured. -Tell me what happened.

The red haired shook his head. -I can't.

-Why not?- the actor hissed. -Is that another secret you can't tell me?

-No- Yesung sighed. -It's not that—

-Then, why won't you tell me?- Siwon interrupted him, and the latter finally faced him as he looked right into his eyes.

-Because I don't want to remember- he choked and wiped a tear away.

This was, apparently, everything he needed to say to shut Siwon up. He inhaled a shaky breath and sat down on the swing one more time.

-I promise, one day I will be ready to talk about it. But not now. If you still want to talk to me, I'll tell you when that day comes. Now—now you should just go. Probably your girlfriend is waiting for you, at home.

Siwon gasped, surprised. -Ho—how do you know about her?

Yesung glanced at him and showed a small smile. -It was me at the door, the other night.

If possible, the actor seemed even more surprised. -It was you? But there was no one—

-I ran away- Yesung cut him off.

-Why?- Siwon raised his eyebrows, confused.

-I was scared. Scared of how you'd have reacted, scared of how I would have reacted—I was, basically, scared of everything. And I didn't want to ruin your romantic evening- he sighed as he added: -Plus, I was starving.

-What will you do, now?- Siwon asked, looking around. -It's pretty late, already.

-I'll go home. I have to work, tomorrow.

The actor looked back at him. -Work? You will still work as—

-No- Yesung shook his head. -I'm done. I'm actually working at that library, now.

-You do?- Siwon smiled and, for the first time, the latter could finally see those two cute dimples.

-Yes- he nodded. -It's weird how things end up, isn't it?

-It is- Siwon agreed as he stepped backward. -I should probably go, now...

-Yeah, you should- Yesung stood up but stopped midway and just bowed his head.

-I hope we'll see again- he said, hiding a lot of unspoken words in that short and apparently innocent sentence.

-I hope, too. Maybe we'll meet at the library- Siwon waved his hand as he hurriedly walked backwards. -Bye, Yesung. Thanks for the water.

-You're welcome- he smiled as the actor finally turned around.

-Bye, Siwon- Yesung whispered one last time to the retreating back of the black haired man. When he was definitely gone, the spy sat for the third time on the swing and he let go another shaky breath as he tried to calm down his heartbeat. Because, damn, he had almost hugged Choi Siwon.

He was screwed—and helplessly still in love.

A noise behind his back made him turn around in the blink of an eye. The previous feeling hadn't disappeared – he still felt like someone was watching him. His eyes scanned the trees and bushes in front of him. He heard another crack, like the sound of a small branch breaking. Quickly, he shoved his right hand into the pocket of his black coat and grabbed the penknife—the only weapon he had. He kept on looking right into the wood, trying to distinguish something in that black and brown sea. Nothing moved for a while—even the wind had stopped. Yesung stepped forward, kicking himself mentally because he should just turn around and run away. A few more steps and he'd be surrounded by trees, no more visible to other people's eyes. He stopped and still clenched his fingers around the knife in his pockets. He felt someone right in front of him, he knew he wasn't wrong. Years of training were a reliable source, after all. He was ninety percent sure that he wasn't alone—and his theory was confirmed when a familiar voice echoed around him.

-I would let the knife exactly where it is, if I were you.

Yesung widened his eyes and immediately loosened his grip. His heart was pounding in his chest and it almost hurt. He gulped as he felt both his hands and legs shake. The ground under his feet was clammy and crumbly and he could feel the soil crumble. His senses were vigilant as a built figure showed up from his refuge behind a tree. The person slowly walked toward him and, only when the moonlight illuminated his face, Yesung dared to utter a single word—a name.

-Kangin.

Siwon

-Siwon? Is everything fine?

The actor snapped out of his thoughts when Eliza's voice filled his ears. Jumping slightly on his spot, he glanced at his girlfriend and showed a faint smile.

-What did you say, honey?

She sighed and raised her voice. -I asked you if everything is fine.

-Oh- was all Siwon could get out of his mouth. Was everything fine? No, of course it wasn't. His presumed-to-be-dead boyfriend had just showed up form nowhere. Nothing was fine and everything was a complete and blundering mess.

He had reached his house an hour after his encounter with Yesung and, since then, he couldn't shake off his anxiety. With a single glance, the red haired had brought too many memories back. Memories he had already set aside—and he didn't even want to remember them one more time.

He gulped. He knew he shouldn't be thinking about Yesung. He had moved on: he had his live, a beautiful girlfriend, a flourishing career and a cozy house—he even had a dog. He couldn't wish for more.

But, still, he felt like something was wrong.

-”Oh”? That's it?- Eliza brought him one more time to reality.

-Uhm—nothing's wrong, really.

-Are you sure? Something happened at work?

Siwon sized the moment. He nodded vigorously:

-Yeah, it was a tiring day at work. We're almost over with the shooting of the new drama, we had a lot of things to do today.

Eliza smiled, standing up and ruffling his short hair.

-Finally you spit it out. Why were you so reluctant? You shouldn't hide anything, from me. You know I don't like secrets- she said as she put the dishes in the dishwasher. Siwon bit his lower lip and looked at the small bottle of water he was still holding in his hands.

-Yeah, I don't like them either.

Kangin

-Long time no see, uh?

Kangin was slowly walking toward the swings, hands shoved into his pockets and eyes glued to the person standing in front of him. Kim Yesung wasn't the same anymore—even a blind could sense it. Everything in his figure screamed fear and insecurity – from his stare to his posture. And when he stepped a bit backward, Kangin felt an invisible knife cut him open.

He had caused all of this.

-Yesung, it's me. You don't have to run away- he whispered and tried to reach for the other's hand, but Yesung flinched, reluctantly.

-If you want to talk, we'll talk- he said with his husky voice. -You owe me an explanation, don't you think?

Kangin nodded and started walking toward the gates of the park—and Yesung followed him, remaining a few steps away.

-We knew nothing- Kangin uttered after a long moment of deep silence. -We didn't know who was leading the organization. We didn't know who had kidnapped you. We knew nothing until a guy came to the agency and told us something that changed everything.

-Who's this gu—

-Can't tell.

-Sure, right- Yesung hissed sarcastically, before signaling him to go on. -What did this guy say?

-He revealed a lot of secrets—secrets that put his life in danger in the exact moment he told them to us.

-Is he in a safe place? Have you sent an agent after him?

Kangin shook his head. -He disappeared like smoke in the wind. We don't know where he is. Anyway- he went on, sighing deeply. -He had a name—and this person may or may not lead us to the man who's behind your kidnapping.

-And also to the heart of the organization. To its pulsing point. And if it'll be destroyed—

-We'll have one less thing to worry about- Kangin completed the sentence, earning a confused glance from Yesung.

-Wait, what? We?

-Yes- the spy said, handing him a folder full of papers and photos. Kangin was sure Yesung knew the object too well—he didn't need to add anything else.

-You're still in, Yesung.

-No, I'm not. I'm out- the red haired shook his head, fingers touching the brown material lightly, almost with dread.

-I'm done with this stuff. I don't want to do this anymore. I want a normal life.

-You'll never have a normal life- Kangin murmured, shaking his head. The guilt inside him dig even deeper into his soul—and it worsened when his eyes met Yesung's one more time.

-Who are you to say something like that?- the latter choked. -Aren't you my friend? Aren't you supposed to support me? To let me find a tiny bit of happiness?

-It's exactly because I'm your friend that I have to tell you the truth. They're still after you.

-Of course they are, I ran away!

-And you know better than I do that dye your hair and pretend to be a normal person will fix absolutely nothing. the only way to solve this situation is to get back to the game.

-I won't, Kangin.

-How can you not? You'd pay them back for all the things they did to you. You could get revenge.

-I don't want revenge- Yesung desperately groaned. -I'm not perfect, Kangin. I'm not fearless. Call me selfish or however you prefer, but I don't want to go through such a thing again. My life is starting to get back to normal, to become a bit safer than it was before. Don't take this away from me. In the last year I wanted nothing but a normal life. Please, Kangin.

A long silence occupied the space between their bodies for a few seconds. Kangin was the one who interrupted it, with a deep sigh.

-Fine, help me, then. If you were me, what would you to approach the man?

Yesung crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged.

-I'd send someone after him- he paused, before going on with his idea. -Let an agent—a good one—shadow him. And when the time comes, he has to approach him in a completely casual way. Then, step by step, the man will lead you to the chief.

-Mh, that's exactly what I'd do. Thanks, Yesung- Kangin smiled and bowed his head lightly, just to turn around and walk away a moment later.

-Wait—where are you going?- Yesung stuttered. -You forgot to take the folder.

-Keep it- the other looked at him one last time and added, carelessly. -You may get curious.

The red haired snorted. -Why would I?

Kangin turned around one more time to face him.

-Because you're still in- he simply said. -You don't want to admit it to yourself, but you're in the game. You proved it when I asked you what you'd do if you were in my shoes. You're still playing, Yesung. And, sooner or later, you'll start to feel the need to win.

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A/N: I wanted to post this last tuesday but—well, school and a lot of other stuff popped up. Anyway, I enjoyed writing this chapter—the first time I'm actually satisfied with a chapter I wrote, yay! Thanks to all of those who commented/subscribed and upvoted this fic, thanks a lot! It means a lot to me, really. Please, leave a comment and let me know what you think about this chapter! Have a nice week~~

Lara~