Amber picked up the worn out exercise book, breathing out heavily as she felt a wave of guilt overcome her.  She felt terrible, this was an invasion of her twin’s privacy.  However, it was all too tempting to see the contents of it, especially when her brother broke down crying the other day when their father merely picked it up.  Her younger fraternal twin, Donghae, wasn’t one to have secrets, he told those closest to him everything.  Every secret, any little thing that annoyed him and he even used to give her his diary to have a look over it.  So the fact he kept a secret diary worried her a little, he only kept secrets when he thought they would be extremely burdensome to other people. She felt terrible for even thinking of reading his diary but her brother’s deteriorating state of mind recently forced her hand.  She couldn’t bare seeing him heart broken all the time.  So lifeless, no longer having that sparkle in his eyes, which always made him special and bright.  With another heavy sigh Amber flicked through the book, shocked at it’s contents.  This wasn’t what she was expecting at all, on each page were simply lyrics, lyrics from his favourite boy band and little exerts of memories with paragraphs next to them.  She was expecting a diary of sorts but it was a muddled mess some how his fan-boying had started to go hand in hand with his problem.

Not that it was a problem in Amber’s mind. Problems didn't have solutions and it was clear that this situation had a clear solution.  A simple confession intermingled within a few of Infinite’s songs.

Come Back Again

Come back come back
Just give me one more chance
I can’t live without you
 

Hyukjae, you know what gives me the happiest feeling in the world? When you are the one that wants me to come back.  When I know our relationship is not one sided.  When it’s not me chasing after you, you’re chasing after me too.  It makes me feel special and wanted.  Do you remember when we were little?  When I first met Yesung? You got so jealous, undeniably so, and although I know you hated it I found myself wanting to make you jealous. Finally, I wasn’t the one that wanted your company.  You wanted mine.  Maybe that’s when I started to realise you were more than merely my best friend. 

When Donghae’s little group of friends started out, they were a quartet. It was only Hyukjae, Donghae, Amber and Krsytal no more no less. Their mothers were best friends and the fact that they were both sets of twins equalled instant friendship. Hyukjae was the oldest, having been born a mere 30 minutes before his twin sister Krystal.  They both shared they same snarky attitude yet they both looked remarkably different except they both had strikingly clear pale skin.  Donghae was the youngest of the four and looked extremely a like his older twin sister Amber.  This later led Donghae to believe that this was no coincidences, he was sure they must have been destined to be closely bonded from birth. 

In fact, on there first day of preschool they walked in hand in hand giggling to each other.  While or the other kids cried and carried on, the quartet played happily in the playground.  Content in each other’s company despite being at such a young age they knew if they stuck together everything would be all right somehow. 

But with age came the realisation that making fun of each other was actually entertaining.  In fact it became Hyukjae’s favourite past time and Donghae was his prime target.  If not for his love of eliciting a response out of the youngest member of the group Yesung would have never joined them that fateful day when they were in fourth grade.

Fed up of the teasing, with tears in his eyes Donghae slammed down his tiny fists on his colourful desk and screamed, “You are all big fat meanies! I’m gonna make a new friend! One that doesn’t tease me!”

“You even forget when to feed your fish how are you going to make a friend.”  Hyukjae laughed.  That was the last straw for 8 year old Donghae as he dramatically stormed off and he wiped his tears away.  He was still morning the loss of his pet fish, Haru, who died merely this morning probably due to starvation.  Though, after a moment’s thought he turned back and spitefully took Hyukjae’s strawberry milk with him and poked his tongue out to enforce his point before storming off again. 

The remaining trio was half way worried for Donghae, he was youngest (by 2 hours but still), naïve and had an awful habit on talking to people that likes to steal peoples lunch money when he was left alone.  However, unlike the two girls, Hyukjae was more than merely worried, he was stressed when his best friend had disappeared for nearly the whole of the lunch break.

“Hyukjae you look like your wetting yourself, if you’re that worried, just go an see if he’s okay.”  Krystal rolled her eyes.

“It’s not because I’m worried, it’s cause he took my strawberry milk with him!”  Hyukjae protested.

“Whatever Hyuk, you keep thinking that.  We both know that you can’t live with him!” Amber replied not looking up from her game-boy. 

“Amber it’s live without him.” Krystal growled. 

“Yes Princess~” Amber chimed.

“I’m surrounded by idiots!”

With a huff Eunhyuk went to look for Donghae as the other two bickered.  He searched high and low for his best friend before finding him with his face pressed up against the glass tank of the year seven’s turtles with another little boy. 

“Donghae! Where is my strawberry milk?” Hyukjae growled.

“What? I gave it to YeYe here.” Donghae poked his tongue out, pointing to the somewhat scary looking boy next to him that Hyukjae vaguely recognised as Yesung, the person whom no one talked to. “You deserve not having it you big fat meanie! You said I was stupid!”

“WHAT!” Eunhyuk shouted at his younger friend and the other boy, Yesung, looked like he was glaring holes into the back of his head.

“This is Yesung, he was sitting all alone and I decided I like him. So he’s now mine.”

“You just can’t declare people as yours Donghae.” Eunhyuk sighed.

“Well I am, he’s quiet and agrees with everything I say.  So he’s mine now! No stealing! My friend.”   He hugged the slightly older boy possessively, clinging onto his neck.  For the first time in his life Le Hyukjae experience the wonderful power of  the emotion of jealousy; an emotion that would continue to unknowingly plague him for many months and years to come.  However, to 8 year olds Hyukjae’s mind knew was that it annoyed him that Donghae was suddenly playing with someone and else dragging them around.  He simply couldn’t understand why he felt like that.  It didn’t make sense.  All that he knew was that it made him feel angry and he grew to hate Yesung.

She’s back

Without you I’m a pair of shoes without owners
I run to be beside you
but when I turn I’m always at the same place

When I do finally come running back to you and give up playing those insane mind games is when I’m at my happiest.  I don’t know why but these are always the best times.  The times when we bond the most, I guess the time apart makes the heart grow fonder?  Whatever it is, being next to you makes me feel at home, as cliché as that sounds. It’s like I’m back with the person who is my own personal night lamp.  I’m scared of the dark and Hyukjae you never fail to remind me of this.  But you are there for me keeping you safe and warm.  No matter what I’ll always come back to you. 

“Yesungie~~ Let’s play soccer together!” 10 year old Donghae whined.

“I’m not good at it though!” Yesung protested wanting to run back to his bug catching nets.

“I’ll teach you.”  Donghae insisted.  “You like watching it don’t you?  Playing it is even more fun.”  Yesung shyly nodded back.  Donghae like that about Yesung how he appeared tough but really was shy.  It was kind of a trait Hyukjae had too.  He set the ball in front of Yesung. 

“What do we do?” the older boy cocked his head slightly to the side.

“Kick it you dummy!” Yesung concentrated before giving a big kick to the ball.

“Good kick!” Donghae said running after the ball. “But use the side of your toe, you’re gonna hurt it otherwise.” 

“Can I play?”  Hyukjae asked scaring the two boys a little.  Donghae was simply having so much fun he didn’t notice his best friend who had nearly sneaked up on him.

“Sure Hyukjae.”  Donghae replied happily, “I’m just helping Yesungie.”  He passed the ball to Hyukjae who passed it to Yesung.  However, the poor unexperienced budding soccer player missed the pass and ran after the ball.  Hyukjae growled in frustration how could Donghae stand playing with Yesung.

“You’ll get it next time Yesungie~”  Donghae yelled out and encouragingly sent his friend a bright smile.  Yesung, encouraged by Donghae’s shouts, bit his lip in concentration and kicked the ball towards Donghae.

“That’s it Yesungie!”  Donghae smiled “You are getting the hang of it.”  Hyukjae growled, annoyed that Donghae wasn’t complementing him on his passing skills.  He was much better than that Yesung kid anyway.  It was almost like he didn’t exist to Donghae anymore at school especially ever since the other boy had come into their friendship circle.   He kicked the ball, a little hard at Yesung trying to vent some of the frustrations, only to have it hurtling back into his face at double the speed.  Hyukjae yelled out in pain as the ball smacked right onto his nose.  He gasped in pain, he was sure he had broken it.  He didn’t want to look like a cry baby though, no matter how much it hurt he would be strong because Donghae liked it when he was cool and strong.

“What the heck you hopeless idiot!” he yelled out at Yesung.  Donghae who looked like he was running over to comfort Hyukjae stopped mid step and Yesung looked like he was going to burst into tears. 

“I’m sorry.” Yesung mumbled.

“You better be you idiot! You brock-en-ed my nose! ” Hyukjae said pinching his nose experimentally, wondering if it was brocken.

“Hyukjae be nice! I know you’re hurt but that’s no excuse!“ Donghae protested.

“Why are you defending him! Huh? I’m the one with the ball in the face!”

“It was an accident he said sorry and you were being a meanie poop! Be nice Hyukjae-ah.” Donghae pleaded, his huge eyes glittering with tears.

“Why are you always defending him.”  Hyukjae yelled as he stormed off. “You are meant to be my best friend all you do is hang around him now.” He became even more infuriated as he realised he now had a blood nose and a hurt pride.

“Hyukkie!” Donghae called out running beside him.

“Don’t Hyukkie me Donghae!”

“Hyukkie.”  He turned noticing when we realised the hurt in Donghae’s voice. “I’m sorry.”  Donghae sobbed.  Even at the age of ten, Donghae was doing his best to hold back tears desperately.  He was a big boy now, they didn’t cry he wanted to be like Hyukjae.  But if not for the tears, Hyukjae wouldn’t have caved.

“I’m sorry Donghae.” Hyukjae said finally letting the tears he was holding back fall. “It’s just that I can’t stand it.  Why do you go to him all the time?”

“Yesung is a good friend! He doesn’t tease me like you do.” Donghae pouted.  “But you should know that even though you tease me you’re my best friend! You’re the best most coolest person in the world.”

“Really?” Hyukjae sniffed, his voice stifled a little because he had his hands pinching his nose.

“Really, you are my most favouritist person.” Donghae beamed. 

“Will I always be your favourite person.”

“Always even if I’m not your most favourite person.”

“Well your mine too.” Hyukjae beamed as they trudged off together to the bathroom.

Things really started to change when Kyuhyun joined. On the first day of middle school he just plonked himself down next to Donghae in class, stealing Eunhyuk’s seat and said;

“My gosh you look like your straight out of a manga.  Can I have your looks?”  Donghae was shocked, he was so used to being called fish face by everyone except Yesung.  He instantly adopted Kyuhyun, much to Eunhyuk’s distaste, into the group.  However, Eunhyuk when he looked back thanked his lucky stars that Kyuhyun became his friend.  Why? Because with Kyuhyun came everyone’s new new obsession and love for music.  Kyuhyun had a passion for singing, which rubbed off on them, all of them except Yesung who simply sat there passively and watched.  Well, Hyukjae couldn’t sing but he did his best diligently practising singing in his room every night.  Eventually he decided he wasn’t cut out for singing and gave rap a try and when Donghae clapped delightedly as he showed him his newly acquired skill he knew that he’d finally found his place in the group.  Soon Donghae and Eunhyuk felt themselves engulfed into the world of boy bands and started dreaming that one day they could be like the idols that graced their television screens. They began attending dancing lessons and singing lessons, Amber began learning how to play the guitar.  They became lost in a new world that fascinated them to know end.  Dreaming of fame and adoration.

Then on the last day of middle school everything changed.  Their balance got tipped.  On the last day of middle school Donghae realised something as the girls came up to him asking for the buttons on his jacket.  He found none of them attractive.  He simply didn’t.  Whilst Hyukjae growled at him, jealous at why all the girls liked him and gushing how cute they were Donghae merely just apologized and gave his buttons to Hyukjae instead.  They were pretty but he didn’t feel a pull to them. But it wasn’t until Infinite debuted till he realized that he was not like other guys. 

Author's NT

So how was that first chapter? Next one should be up tommorow~ Warning the next one is angsty :S