Byun Baekhyun hated the country.

Nothing ever happened in the country. It was a detective’s worst nightmare. Fields and forests and ditches to hide bodies in. Towns full of hicks who didn’t know the difference between a bullet wound and a hanging scar. The murders here were always dirty, unrefined and tedious. Nothing that would advance his career or make him famous.

At least they were simple. Even if it took awhile to find the murder weapon or proper evidence or whatever, through questioning and his brilliant intuition alone he should have this case solved by teatime.

He’d just stick Chanyeol with evidence recovery. Yeah, that would work.

Unlike this coach ride. This coach ride was not working at all.

“Chanyeol!” Baekhyun snapped, “Hold the mirror steady, dimwit!”

Chanyeol was sitting across from him, holding up a pocket mirror, “I’m trying, but the coach is really shaky!”

“Whatever.” Baekhyun scoffed, leaning forward with his eyeliner again. He was almost done; he just needed to get under his left eye...

They went over a bump in the road. A big one.

“!” Baekhyun dropped his eyeliner and slapped a hand over his eye, “Jesus Jesus Jesus”

“Are you ok?” Chanyeol asked curiously.

“Do I look ok?!” Baekhyun rubbed his eye with his sleeve.

“Well, your eyeliner is kind of smeared-”

“Chanyeol.”

By the time the coach stopped, Baekhyun had somehow managed to fix his eyeliner and not kill his partner or the coach driver, who seemed especially skilled at finding every bump in the road. Baekhyun did not tip the driver.

“Why is it a mansion?” Chanyeol asked, staring up at the huge building as their coach rattled away. “I thought you said this case wasn’t a big deal.”

“It’s not. We’re in the country, Chanyeol. Mansion or not, they’ll still be hicks. They’ll just have better tea, for when I’m done this case.”

“Don’t you mean when we’re done this case?”

“No. You’ll still be working on it while I’m having tea. Now don’t forget my bags.”

They were greeted at the mansion doors by a man wearing a dress and an apron.

Wait, a man wearing a dress and an apron? What?

“We’re detectives from SM, the investigation agency.” Baekhyun said, keeping his thoughts to himself. “We were called to investigate a murder.”

Baekhyun wasn’t sure if the man widened his eyes when he heard this or if his eyes just came that way. They were really huge.

“It’s a good thing you’re here.” He said, “My name’s Kyungsoo. I’m the housekeeper. Please, come in.”

Baekhyun glanced over his shoulder to make sure Chanyeol had all his- Baekhyun’s- bags, then followed Kyungsoo inside. They were led through the mansion, which was even bigger on the inside, until they came to a door where Kyungsoo knocked.

“Come in.”

Wordlessly, Kyungsoo opened the door and gestured Baekhyun and Chanyeol inside. They stepped into what appeared to be a study. There was only one other person in the room, a tall man sitting at a desk, wearing a yellow suit and the kind of hat Baekhyun would expect someone going on a safari to own.

Dumb. Who wears something like that?

The man frowned at them, “Who are you?”

“Detectives, here to investigate the murder.” Baekhyun explained, “Are you the owner of the estate?”

“I am.” the man continued to frown, “I’m sorry, but I believe SM misunderstood me. I asked for them to send their best group of detectives. I asked for Shinee.”

Baekhyun bristled. Shinee. Those es.

“They couldn’t make it, sir.” Chanyeol quickly put in, smiling his idiot smile, “You see, the company needed them to come back. I’m not sure why. It was something urgent, apparently. Anyway, they sent us instead.”

The man didn’t look impressed. “And you are?”

“Byun Baekhyun and Park Chanyeol.” Chanyeol continued, “And might I say, sir, that is a very fine outfit you’re wearing.”

The man sat a little straighter, “Yes, well... I put it together myself. I have an eye for these things, if you must know.”

Great. Chanyeol was trying to get along with the client. That wasted time before tea.

“Can we just see the body, sir?” Baekhyun asked, trying not to sound too impatient, “I’m sure you want us finished and out of here as soon as possible.”

The man was looking Chanyeol over now, with a considering smirk, “I’m not so sure about that...”

Jesus. Just give me the ing body so I can solve this and have my tea.

“The body, sir?” Baekhyun prompted, “The person that was murdered in your house? Might we see it, please?”

“We’d really appreciate it, sir!” Chanyeol added hastily.

The man went from scowling at Baekhyun to beaming at Chanyeol, “Very well. And please, call me Kris. Colonel Kris.”

That’s his title? Dumb. Who’s a colonel these days?

Kris got up. He was even taller than Baekhyun had thought he was, even taller than Chanyeol.

Why’s everyone so ing tall? Who’s tall these days?

As Kris led them through the mansion, Baekhyun got a head start on his questioning, “So, colonel, what exactly were the circumstances surrounding the murder?”

“I was having a party, to celebrate my recent purchase of this house. I’d invited a group of my closest friends to stay for the weekend. Everything was going well, and everyone appeared to be getting along. Then- early this morning- my groundskeeper, Xiumin, was bringing in a delivery for the kitchen and discovered the body in the dining room. I contacted SM right away.”

“And how many people are in the house in total, colonel? Guests and staff included?”

“Ten... No, it would be nine, now. Two staff; Kyungsoo, who you’ve already met, and Xiumin. The rest, aside from myself, are guests.”

“And has anyone left the house since the body was discovered?”

“No. I asked everyone to remain until the investigation was concluded, as per SM’s directions.”

Good. Chanyeol won’t have to waste as much time rounding up witnesses.

They passed the kitchen, where Kyungsoo was preparing a late breakfast, still wearing his apron and dress. 

Seriously, does his boss have some kind of cross-dressing ?

The dining room doors were closed and locked. Kris took a key from his suit pocket and unlocked them.

“Who else has a key to this room, colonel?”

Kris gave him a sceptical look, “Myself and the staff. Is that relevant?”

If it looks like someone tampered with the evidence it ing is. 

“We’ll see.”

Kris didn’t look happy with this response, but he pushed the door open for them anyway.

“If you don’t mind,” Baekhyun said, when Kris made to follow, “Could you please wait out here while my colleague and I examine the body?”

“Is that really necessary?”

“Protocol, I’m afraid.”

Kris’s scowled at Baekhyun, but all he said was, “Very well. Let Kyungsoo know when you’re done. He’ll lock the room back up and get you a set of keys.”

“Thank you, colonel.” Baekhyun smiled as he closed the door in Kris’s face.

Turning to the room, Baekhyun saw the body right away, lying next to the massive dining table. It was sprawled as if the person had been knocked down. Surprisingly, there wasn’t much blood; the shirt was stained red, but there was none on the floor or anywhere else on the body, which meant it might have been moved.

This might not be the original scene of the crime. Baekhyun stored that fact for later.

Speaking of the shirt, it was impossible for Baekhyun not to notice the corpse’s attire. The man was wearing a pair of very tight fitting black pants, and an open golden jacket, revealing a set of the most toned abs Baekhyun had ever seen. Absently, Baekhyun brushed a hand over his own softer stomach.

It hurt, being jealous of a dead guy.

How did he die, though? It could be from the damage to his torso; he had what looked like a knife wound to his stomach and scratches all over his shoulders and chest. There was also an ugly looking bruise on his gut, and what looked like burn scars covering his body. And internal damage from some kind of blow was always an option. Or he could have even been poisoned. The possibilities for his cause of death were endless. To know for sure the body would have to be examined.

Damn it. Determining the cause of death could take a couple of days. Baekhyun didnot want to be in the country longer than tea time today. Why couldn’t this guy have just had his head blown off or something? Then all Baekhyun would have to do was find the revolver in the secret compartment of someone’s suitcase or hat box or something.

“Look at this!” Chanyeol was kneeling by the table, reaching in to grab something underneath. Leaning back, he pulled out a...

“Chanyeol, is that a stuffed llama?”

“It’s an alpaca, I think.” Chanyeol said, cradling the toy, “It’s really soft...”

What the is that thing doing in our crime scene. How would that even be involved in anything murder related?

Baekhyun ran a hand through his hair. “Whatever. Just add it to the evidence list. Anything else under there?”

“Nope. Not that I can see.”

Baekhyun swept his gaze around. There didn’t seem to be anything else noteworthy in the room. None of the chairs were toppled over, nor the paintings or other decorations disturbed; in other words, no obvious signs of a struggle. Which, again, supported Baekhyun’s idea that the murder hadn’t happened in this room. It also suggested the murderer could have caught his victim unaware, delivering a quick blow to the head from behind. Yes. That was also possible.

But didn’t explain the torso wounds or bruises...

“Let’s send the body off for examination.” Baekhyun said, dusting off his pants, because that’s just the kind of action a prim and proper professional detective would do. “The sooner we get the results back, the sooner we can figure this out. In the meantime, we’ll start questioning the nine witnesses.”

“Eight, you mean.” Chanyeol pointed out, “We don’t need to question Kris.”

“Are you ing kidding me, Chanyeol? What detective doesn’t question the owner of the house who called in the crime? That screams ‘I did it’ in every mystery book ever. Kris is the first one we’re going to question.”

“Oh.” Chanyeol’s face dropped, then perked up again, “Can I be good cop?”

“Chanyeol, you have a permanent smile on your face, and even though it looks like the kind of smile that would make mother’s grab onto their children, there’s really no way to force your facial muscles into the expressions required for ‘bad cop’.”

“So... that’s a yes.”

That’s a -this--I-want-my-tea.

Baekhyun sighed, heading for the doors. “Yes, Chanyeol. Now can we go get this body shipped off-”

Baekhyun had just opened the doors when he heard a gasp. Attention snapping to the hall, he saw a man and a woman staring in at the corpse. No. Not a man and a woman. Two men.

One of them- the blonde- just looked really girly and was wearing a long, scarlet dress.

More cross-dressing? Why is everyone in the country so ing weird.

The man in the dress had gone pale, shaking as he looked at the corpse. “This... I heard, but to see him... to see him like this... It... it doesn’t feel real...”

The man next to him, who was wearing a green suit and had... Ok, what the hell. Why is his hair GREEN?

Anyway, the man in the green quickly looked away, averting his eyes from the corpse. He was standing very close to the man in the dress, Baekhyun noted, and had also started tugging his arm, as if asking to leave. The man in red, however, stayed rooted to the spot, still staring in horror.

Baekhyun quickly gestured for Chanyeol to come over. Once his partner was out of the room, Baekhyun shut the door behind them, closing the view of the dead man.

“I’m sorry you had to see that.” Baekhyun said to the pair, “We’re detectives, hired by the colonel to solve this murder. You two are his guests, I assume?”

The blonde man nodded, still pale. “Y-yes. I’m Luhan. Miss Luhan.”

Miss? Did he actually just say ‘miss’ or am I going deaf?

Luhan gestured to the man beside him, “This is Sehunnie. I- I mean, Mr. Oh Sehun.”

Sehun regarded Baekhyun expressionlessly, lips a thin line.

Nice poker face, brat. No one’s that calm after a murder except the murderer himself. You’ve made it onto the suspect list, right under your super tall host. Seriously, how can there be someone taller than Chanyeol in the same century?

Baekhyun still wasn’t over that.

“Did you know the deceased?” Chanyeol asked.

Baekhyun wanted to punch him in the crotch. Did they KNOW the deceased? What do you think, Chanyeol?

Luhan looked like he was going to cry, but managed to hold it in. He was gripping Sehun’s arm now, Baekhyun noticed. “Y-yes. I... we knew him. He was a very nice man. It’s... quite the shock.”

“I’d imagine it is.” Baekhyun said. And he would imagine, if he cared.

“Don’t worry.” Chanyeol- ever the happy helper- put in, “We’ll find the murderer before he gets someone else!”

Luhan went even paler and Sehun’s frown deepened.

“Please ignore my” -- “partner. We will find the murderer, though. Promptly. Take my word for it.”

Luhan seemed to relax a bit, hand dropping from Sehun’s arm. The green-haired man glanced at the blonde beside him, but so quickly Baekhyun almost didn’t notice. Luhan didn’t seem to notice at all.

“Good. That’s good.” the blonde said, “Is there anything we can do?”

“Yes, actually. My partner and I will be conducting interviews later, to get a proper idea of what happened last night. We’d very much appreciate if you could stay in the mansion for the time being, at least until we’ve had a chance to interview everyone.”

Luhan was nodding, “Of course. Anything that would help.”

“There is one other thing,” Baekhyun added, “The name of the deceased. Thecolonel neglected to mention that. Could you tell us his name?”

Luhan opened his mouth to reply, but the one who spoke was Sehun, “His name was Kai.”