Tao's POV

“What's going on?” asked Suho, rushing over just as Kai vanished from the floor of the shop to who knows where. “Kai just started running without saying anything-” He stopped as he saw Sehun and I with our hands cupped together. “Oh.”

Baekhyun led Chanyeol out the dressing room next to us by the hands, chuckling happily until he took in the still atmosphere and downed curtain.

“Taozi, you really have grown up a lot...” Suho bent to pick up the curtain and I stopped holding onto Sehun's hand so I could help, but the boy's fingers were still hanging on tight. He was being territorial? Still, he never said outright what he felt about me. The signs all pointed to him liking me back - at least I thought they did. Guessing his feelings was difficult. Sehun kept a lot to himself and I was afraid even now that I was misinterpreting all that had happened somehow.

My brain chose to like the vague candidate. Thanks, brain. Thanks a lot.

Sehun was clearly someone who believed in action more than words. That all sounded very charming in theory, but there was a glaring hint of doubt that I knew was going to follow me everywhere until I stopped being cowardly and squeezed the words out of him myself. I couldn't do that now of course, not with everyone here watching us standing here, holding hands and- was Sehun's shirt still open?

Well, now I understood why the others were being so awkward around us. It looked really bad, didn't it? Chanyeol was shifting his weight between both his feet, looking really lost as to what he should do, and Baekhyun just kept quiet and observant, which was very unusual for him. Suho, however, was looking more sad than anything else. Was it because I'd changed a lot since we last met? He was still exactly the same as I remembered, but I'd gone and become... this. What even was this? Who was I now? I felt like I'd been a different person every day. Trying to be braver, trying to make friends, trying to get people on my side for once.

What reason could Kai and Sehun possibly have to start liking me? I was a confused mess of hair dye and bad decisions. What could possibly be attractive about someone in the middle of an identity crisis, honestly? If Sehun even liked me. Why was he so vague?

I came full circle; all my thoughts were on the same questions and none of them were focusing on what I should do right now. My brain was fleeing away from the scene, leaving my body to just stand there, dazed.

Suho placed the curtain's bar back in it's bracket and turned to us again. “Uhm... Go ahead and finish getting dressed. We'll wait for you at the house. The key's on the counter, so lock up before you leave.”

“And don't try anything in there just because we're gone.” said Chanyeol, winking and earning a smack on the arm from Baekhyun.

“Behave.”

“That's what I'm telling them to do!” he smirked, holding the door open for his new boyfriend.

My mind still wasn't functioning properly when the door shut behind them and it was just me and Sehun, his grip on my hand tightening as he pulled me into the dressing room once again. At least my legs jerked into motion without having to be told.

“You were saying?” he asked suddenly, pushing me down to sit on the bench again.

Hmm? What had I been saying before? It was embarrassing whatever it was and Sehun had been getting closer...

But my head felt foggy and uncooperative, like it couldn't believe something so drastic had been decided. And Kai had been so hurt.

Giving up with a sigh, he placed a hand on my cheek, guiding my head gently upwards. I remembered everything in this familiar position just as he closed the distance and pressed his lips to my own.

I told him that I chose him a long time ago. From the very start, I supposed the shock Sehun had sent to my system that day in the garden never left. New friends didn't suddenly kiss each other's foreheads, even in comfort. So Sehun... he liked me first? How? When? It didn't make sense. There had been no warnings at all and I was certain that he hated me on sight.

But now his lips were soft and warm on mine. However it happened, Oh Sehun chose me as well. Maybe words weren't needed after all.

He pulled away and we made eye contact. “You idiot.”

I'm the idiot? You're the one who won't stop being vague. My question never made it out though, as Sehun kissed me again with more force, uncomfortably bumping teeth. The pressure was satisfying in ways I couldn't understand, even though it made me wonder if we'd end up bruised.

“You complete idiot.” he breathed against my cheek, warm and airy as always. “Do you just let anyone kiss you? Why did you let Jongin lure you in?”

I guessed the idiot really was me. There was no excuse that wouldn't sound stupid, but I answered anyway, “I was curious. I'd never kissed before.”

“That doesn't make it better.” he said, still keeping my head angled up as he whispered this in my ear.

“I know.” I responded.

“You're an idiot.” Sehun left a kiss just in front of my ear and I closed my eyes to the warm touch.

“I know.”

“You're so stupid and idiotic, but I really-” He froze mid-sentence. This was the confession, I could tell. I'm sure he was just too embarrassed to say it. I waited just a bit to see if he'd continue and instead he started again, stopping in the same spot. It was cute and I opened my eyes to see a red tinge filling out his cheeks and darkening his ears. “I really like-”

To put him out of his misery, I cut him off, tasting the words straight from his lips. They were sweet and warm like a sticky, sugary candy left out in the sun. “I know.” I said, breaking away too quick. I craved more. Rising to my feet, I sought out the taste further between his teeth. I should've expected the fight for control. Sehun was always trying to be the stronger one. As it was, I ended up with a sore spot on my bottom lip where he suddenly bit me.

“What are you doing?” I asked, panicking as he started working on freeing the buttons of my shirt.

Sehun lifted an eyebrow. “What does it look like I'm doing? We're supposed to be getting dressed.”

“No, no.” I swatted his hands away. “You aren't seeing me on our first day like this.”

“What, are you not wearing underwear?” Sehun smirked into the question and I suddenly felt the impulse to tease back. I didn't have to fight these impulses with him anymore, I realized.

“That's for me to know and you to guess.”

He stepped in even closer and the back of my legs hit the bench as I stepped back. “Or I could find out right now.”

“Or you could find out right now.” I agreed, gulping. I was spineless. This brat was younger than me and I was letting him take control so easily? Trying to shed my fears all at once was stupid of me, but I should at least be able to show some kind of fighting edge to cover up the fact that I was still shaking from our last kiss. I added, “Unless you're afraid to.” That was stupid. That was very stupid. If anyone was afraid, it was me. Sehun was right; I was a complete idiot.

“Now, what have I got to be scared of?” he asked, back to undoing the buttons, his hands casting out ticklish little wisps of air at my exposed skin as they went. Suddenly, all I wanted was to get closer and I indulged in this thought with my index fingers hooked in his belt loops, feeling my nerves calm with his steady hands, steady breathing. The last button came apart and Sehun put his hand to my neck, sliding his fingers down my back and around the curve of my shoulder to get the fabric to slide off.

But he stopped and it took me a second to realize why.

In a flash, my shirt was pulled down my shoulders and Sehun yanked my arm to show more of my back, eyes widening at the sight.

“Tao?” Sehun traced a finger lightly along the raised crooked lines on my back as if afraid of making them break open and bleed again. "Why do you have so many scars? I thought you told Lay you always wanted a cool scar, not another one to add to your ing collection!”

I didn't say anything. This wasn't a conversation I wanted to have at all. Could I reverse time? Make it so none of this ever happened?

“You can't have done this yourself,” he sounded a bit unsure, but he was right. Even though Sehun has seen me try such things before, the wounds on my hands had been for Lay's healing training only. “Right, Tao?” He looked at me and I could feel the worry coming off him thick as he tried to be patient with my lack of a response. “Can you just answer this for me?”

“I didn't.”

“Then who did this?”

I shrugged him off. “It doesn't matter. It won't happen again.”

“Tao,” Sehun huffed out an angry breath, brows furrowing. “Why do you do this? I just want to know so I can help you or comfort you or something. Why are you skirting the subject?”

“It's something I don't want to remember, a-and just-” Violent images fought their way to the surface and I swallowed them down. Taking a deep breath so I'd stop the shaking to my voice, I tried again. “Nightmares. I get... nightmares.” I confessed, shoving off my shirt the rest of the way and putting on the new one in hopes that he'd catch the hint and drop this topic of conversation.

“It would help to talk it out.”

“No, it wouldn't. I've tried talking - with a therapist and everything. Sehun, they only get stronger, more vivid.” My fingers were fumbling on the buttons and I tossed the fabric down in frustration. “The memories... I don't want them to get worse again. Please, Sehun,” Let me keep these words like I let you keep yours. The thought was selfish because I already knew what words he was keeping secret, but I couldn't talk about this yet.

Sehun's jaw tensed as he worked something out. He took up the task of buttoning my shirt for me, calmly working his way up. “Then instead of talking, can I help you forget?” Before I answered, he planted a kiss above his fingers on the skin of my navel, tongue lingering before moving up with the next button. These wet kisses trailed up my torso and chest until the last button came closed and his lips closed around my throat. I found myself losing control of my limbs as they moved of their own accord to keep him there, nails digging into the boy's back to find some kind of purchase on reality.

Was I sick? I felt hot and cold all over. Surely I had some sort of flu or bug in my system.

His hands fixed my collar hurriedly and used it to pull my face closer. “We're up to three or four now?”

Three or four what? Kisses, I realized, as we clashed into one more. Why was he counting? He wasn't trying to beat Kai, was he?

Actually, that sounded like exactly the case. They've both been competitive, contentious brats this entire time, but what would happen when the competitive spirit ran out? What if Sehun really only thought he liked me because he wanted to be one up on Kai?

And what should I do about these memories fighting to get out? Lay already found out about my scars and now Sehun? Sooner or later one of them was going to need the full story. I just hoped I'd be ready when that happened.

But this was all put on the back burner as me and Sehun fell into a comfortable rhythm, uniforms and our friends back at Suho's house temporarily forgotten.

***

Suho's home still felt really creepy to me as Sehun and I walked back from the shop, embarrassed about being gone for so long, but at least fully dressed. It was eerily quiet and the air felt charged with a kind of energy that made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. I thought before that it was just because it was a strange place that I knew nothing about, but now that I knew my Joonma lived here, this place shouldn't feel nearly as intimidating as it did.

Something felt wrong.

Something felt really wrong and I stopped Sehun from opening the back door so I could instead. The metal doorknob looked unimposing, but I didn't trust it for some reason. My skin tingled as I tentatively reached for the handle.

But the door opened by itself to reveal a friendly-looking face. A handsome, friendly-looking face.

“You are Tao and Sehun? Which one is which?” he asked, letting us in quickly. He introduced himself as Chen when we pointed ourselves out. “Suho's making tea. I'll let him know you're back.”

I should learn to stop trusting my instincts, I decided. They only made me look paranoid. Still, something around here kept making my skin crawl.

As we sat down on the couch, Sehun whispered, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Must be nerves...” I was worried about how awkward things felt with Suho and what to do about Kai the next time we met. This weird feeling could have definitely been nerves. After all, I thought I might have seen tears welled up in Kai's eyes as he teleported away.

I hurt a good person with this decision. He had been annoying and pushy with his courting, but his intentions were always very sweet. In all honesty, I kind of liked the attention. It was a new feeling to have someone fighting so hard for my affections. It was also a new feeling to have some kind of worth tacked onto myself, as if I wasn't a coward, a nervous wreck, a freak to be avoided and made fun of.

Was he okay? Was I allowed to want the answer? It was a horrible way to find out my choice. I should've tried to choose sooner, before whatever he felt for me developed so far and I certainly shouldn't have let him kiss me while I was still figuring everything out. I should've kicked myself into action to sort out my feelings and let him down gently instead of creating a huge scene like that.

Was he okay? I pulled out my phone and stared at it blankly, switching back and forth between wanting to text and wondering if that would make things worse. I didn't know what to do. I've never had to reject someone before.

I caught an elbow to the ribs from Sehun and found my leg had been shaking this entire time.

“Relax; we weren't gone that long.”

“I'm not worried about that.”

“Then what is it? Is it about-” Sehun cast a glance at the kitchen nearby where Suho and the others were chatting away happily and lowered his voice. “-your back? The memories?”

Shaking my head quickly, I said, “It's not that. It's nothing.”

“What's nothing?” Chen asked, dropping into a chair and drumming without rhythm into the arm with his fingers. “Or don't say anything. That's fine too.” He smiled and looked around the room aimlessly.

Confirming my own suspicions, I closed my eyes to hear that, yes, this guy had the same musical pulse thrumming through the air around him. I smiled to myself; I was getting better at picking up the light tones.

My eyes were startled open as Chen swore loudly out of nowhere and scrambled about the room, pulling on a jacket that looked to be part of another school's uniform. He halted and sat down on the coffee table in front of us two on the couch.

“You're Tao, right?” he asked, pointing to me. I nodded and he placed a hand on my shoulder, jerking a thumb back towards the kitchen. “Give that man a big, sloppy, wet  kiss for me, alright? I have to leave now or I'll be late for my last class.” he said, winking and clapping my shoulder once before heading out to put on his shoes by the door.

What was that about? I didn't even get to ask what his power was.

“You do as he says, you die.” shot Sehun as soon as the door closed and I stood.

“I wasn't planning on it, don't worry!” I laughed and headed to the kitchen. “Joonma, that recruit is weird-” I stopped, seeing Kris and Lay were also in the kitchen; they were just hidden from view before. “When did you guys get here?”

“Not too long ago.” answered Lay. “Sorry we didn't get your calls. Kris' phone was in the locker room during basketball tryouts and I forgot where I put mine so I didn't have it on me...”

“We have a basketball team?” Sehun asked, having followed behind me, probably to make sure I wasn't going to act on Chen's request.

“Yeah.” The kettle started to boil and Kris passed a couple mugs over to Suho. He leaned against the counter afterwards and nearly knocked over a bowl of fruit in the process. Lucky for him, Baekhyun caught most of the fruit before it tumbled to the floor, a single yellow apple bumping the ground and picking up a nasty brown depression. “Ah, So... You want to join? We still need a few more players.” Kris cleared his throat, and Sehun snorted at his clumsiness, slipping arms around my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder as if we weren't in a room full of people. Did he not care about how awkward public displays of affection made things for everyone else?

“Nah, sports don't agree with me most days.” As Sehun spoke, his head bobbed on my shoulder a little and I could feel the vibrations of his voice right next to my ear. I really had to fight the urge to turn my head around, which would do absolutely nothing except pit my face directly into his. But still, the instinct to turn was distracting and I nearly missed him recommending me to join the team without even asking me first. “-would be good at it. Tao's all muscle.”

“I'll take it you got a good look then?” Chanyeol snickered. “You two were gone a lot longer than it takes to throw on a shirt and pants.”

“Tao!” Yixing shouted suddenly, causing more than a few of us to jump in surprise. “I forgot to give you a check-up,” And next thing I knew, I was extracted from Sehun's arms and being pulled away from the kitchen.

“Where are we going? Couldn't you do it in the kitchen?” I asked, very much confused.

“No. I have something to say too.”

“Bathroom is down the hall, last door on the left-” I heard Chanyeol call out, still laughing.

I turned around as I was half-dragged down the hall, making eye contact with Sehun and wondering how I should feel about the fact that he didn't look bothered in the slightest by this.

The door shut tight on the distant chatter from the kitchen, and we were alone in a bathroom with deep red towels and plush bath rugs under our socks. It smelled faintly like Suho's cologne in here. Lay sat down on the edge of the bathtub and patted the spot next to him.

Why did it feel like he was about to give me the talk? He wasn't, right?

Oh god, he probably was. He thought me and Sehun had , didn't he?

“We didn't-” I lost the rest of words somewhere deep in my throat and couldn't force them out, leaving a wide blank hanging in the air between us. The implications seemed to be lost on Yixing, who calmly took my hand in his and sent the wave of warmth to my temple with the other, studying me quietly. I felt myself mirroring his placidity and my throat relaxed it's harsh grip on the awkward words I really didn't want to say out loud. “We didn't have , if this is about that...”

He nodded and I felt the warm waves reach my ankles and toes before he let go. “I know. There would be a change in your hormones if you did. Don't worry, even if you did I wouldn't judge. I mean, Sehun is still under the legal age, but humans have been going through the ion process in their teens, for recreation and otherwise, since the beginning of their evolutionary reign.

“You are, however, covered in a surprising amount of saliva that doesn't seem to be yours. Did Sehun take it upon himself to you clean after Chanyeol nearly killed everyone?” Lay blinked, awaiting a response that I would have given if I weren't so shocked to hear him talk so much and with no apparent embarrassment over the topics at all.

“Tao?” He was waiting patiently and the blank that was my mind supplied nothing to fill the gap of silence. Chuckling with a flash of teeth and the one dimple, Lay nudged me with his arm. “I won't tell anyone about the kitty-bath. Probably. I don't know, I might forget my promise.”

“Please don't forget!”

“Forget what, that Sehun you all over like a cat?” he teased, clearly enjoying this.

“Oh my god, just stop-” I pleaded, blushing the same color as the red shower curtain.

Lay grinned. “Stop talking about Sehun's saliva and your bruised lip?”

"It bruised?" I groaned and buried my face in my hands. “Did you pull me in here just to make fun of me?”

“Actually,” The amusement from before faded quickly and he fiddled with his hands before making eye contact with me again. “All joking aside, I just want you to know... If there's something you want to talk about, I'm here. No matter how lost I get in my studying, I'll put everything down to listen, I promise.”

This was about the scars. Of course he could feel them there with every check-up. I really couldn't bring myself to talk about them yet – maybe not ever. This wasn't fair to him; Lay was just worried for me, but I didn't want the memories to come rushing back.

“I'll keep that in mind.” He looked disappointed and I wasn't sure if it was because I was a coward or because he thought he failed at earning my trust, so I hugged him after we stood up. “Thank you, Lay. For everything.” I mumbled into his shoulder. “I feel like you've done a lot for me and all I've done is cause you problems. You're friendship means a lot to me.”

“I know, I mean you wouldn't slice your hand open for just anyone, right?” he laughed as we parted.

“Right.” Even though it had only been our second day knowing each other, I already trusted Lay enough to do something stupid like that. Something about him just made me feel stronger, as if he healed the part of me that was torn apart from nerves and fear with every dimpled smile and kind gesture. As great as his power was and had the potential to be, this aspect of Lay was a thousand times more remarkable.

I turned to leave and felt a tug at my sleeve.

“You really like Sehun?” It wasn't a statement.

I nodded, wondering how that wasn't already obvious.

“Are you sure?”

Was I what?

“Yes,” I answered, confused. “Why?”

“No reason.” Lay smiled, reaching around me for the doorknob.

***

How did I feel about Oh Sehun? Why was I back to this again? I thought choosing would make everything clear and easy, but I felt even more muddled than before. I felt guilty, I felt confused, I felt like doubting every affectionate touch and labeling it as nothing more than a basic need for human contact. How was I supposed to know what was real and what wasn't?

Are you sure? This is what Lay had asked me. Was I sure of my choice? No. No, not since he asked that, no. Everything happened very quickly and my hormones played a very large part in that choice what with Sehun coming closer and closer and there was kissing and scars not meant to be shown.

I didn't know what to do.

It was late at night, though that hardly mattered as there wasn't any school the next day. I lay in bed, staring at the digital alarm clock, trying to distract myself away from my mess of thoughts by making pictures with the boxy red numbers glaring in the dark. The two dots in the middle served as eyes, and that twelve- oh never mind, that one became eyebrows and the zero was now a gaping maw of someone very stern and angry. Like Sehun. He had stern eyebrows.

How did I feel about Oh Sehun?

This had become a big problem. Why wasn't there a sure-fire way to just know who you like? Baekhyun was the luckiest person on the planet to have his powers so closely tied to his emotions. One look at that big goof's smile and it's like a fire alarm went off in his head immediately. My power did nothing like that. My power-

I stopped time before when Kai kissed me.

That had nothing to do with anything; I also stopped it when Sehun came closer.

But it worked when I became really surprised. It was surprise, right? No, that couldn't be it. My power always seemed to be there when I desperately needed it and during some kind of hormonal overload or something.

That didn't matter. Nothing mattered. I just wanted to know my own feelings and have everything set straight. My heart kept aching for something it couldn't reach and I didn't know what it was or how to fix it.

What did Yixing know? The variation. He said there was a variation when he checked my heartbeat with the others. But that also felt like it hadn't been done properly. It went by so quick and my mind hardly had time to adjust with each little test of his. The variation he found wouldn't help.

In TV shows, the lead is always the last to know who it is they like until their friends give them a final push in the right direction or some kind of dramatic accident happens that makes them realize they can't live without that person by their side. In truth, I couldn't live with any one of those guys gone. They were so important to me. I felt like I'd known them since before I could remember even though it had literally been one week since the day Chanyeol took my bus and somehow got me to fall asleep on his shoulder. It was like he'd never been a stranger. Suho was the only friend who I had actually known for years and we separated for long enough to become different people. Even then, he trusted me and Sehun alone at his parents' shop. I had no idea who this Chen guy was who came by his house, but I couldn't help but like him already too. He was all smiles and jokes and I could tell we'd get along alright.

Did having a power suddenly turn you into a good person? I had never been in a situation where so many people were friendly and inviting without question.

And Kai seemed so hurt. I didn't want to hurt any of my nice friends and I really, really wanted to make up for what I did; this was one feeling I knew for sure.

Sehun sent him a text when we left for the school again, but he hadn't replied, not even when I sent a second text about Luhan finding the bullies who stuck dead crickets in my locker and duct-taping them to the ceiling of the biology room during lunch. I wish I could have seen it when class started. Instead, I overheard hundreds of renditions of the story from all over the school. It turned out that Luhan used his power through an open window so the poor guy had been bawling about ghosts and haunted classrooms when he was found. He was the same student who I'd seen picking on Baekhyun before. Baekhyun asked Luhan for help in his revenge after the bully struck again the day before.

It was a great story, but maybe Kai didn't agree or simply didn't see his phone. Or maybe he wanted to stay away from me because I pretty much betrayed him. I was the one who kept up his hopes until he was so sure I'd pick him that he even called me his boyfriend in front of the others.

That day felt like the longest of my life, yet I was still lying awake as if pondering over the events all night would somehow change the results. I was tired and time ticked on as I stared, the red numbers forming new pictures, old pictures, and after a good number of hours they blurred and turned black.

***

Author Note:

It's been a while, hasn't it?

This fic will never be abandoned though. I just wanted to finish up another one before working on this again, but after finishing that fic, I wanted a break. That was probably a bad decision, because I swear I forgot how to write when I tried again, and yeah it's been a while >.<