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Story Review ;


reviewer: i_lovekpop_fics
title: "I Love You Baekhyun, Forevermore"
author: serendipity--
genre: angst
characters: Baekhyun, Chanyeol
summary: "Baekhyun is just another passing being in Chanyeol's immortal life, but why
does his absence make it feel like he's so much more than that?"

Title: 3.5/5
It’s original and matches the story pretty well, I would say. However, I was not entirely drawn in by the title because I feel that it lacks impact. It’s not necessarily boring, but I did not feel excited or all that interested in reading the story after reading the title.

Description and foreword: 9/10
You wrote a great description and foreword. You give subtle hints as to the plot of the story without revealing too much, which is commendable. The description is short and I really appreciate that. I found myself quite interested in reading your story when I reached the end of the description because I had so many unanswered questions; I was really curious about your story! I deducted half a point, though, because you open up with a question. I’ve seen it done more times than I can possibly count, so after a while I just get fed up with all the rhetorical questions. I also deducted half a point because some of the phrasing in the description is either redundant or awkward. For example: “His life is dull; it just never seems to end.” Chanyeol is immortal so, technically, his life can’t end; this struck me as redundant, but that could just be me being picky. Overall, I am very impressed with your description and foreword.

Plot: 19/20
Wow, that’s honestly all I can say. The plotline is fantastic, to say the very least. I’ve seen stories that are slightly similar, but your plot is interesting and extremely well thought out. As I read, I found myself falling in love with all the little events and actions that took place. From the pleasant, fuzzy-feeling-inducing walks on the beach to the tear-jerking, tragic death and finally to the bittersweet message in a bottle ending, it is all perfection. It isn’t jumbled or confusing; it was just right. It was easy to follow and believable. I love how certain things that the characters do, or don’t do, help to further the plot and even expand on their character. For example, the fact that Chanyeol can’t send the letters just adds to the fact that he is not entirely comfortable with human interaction and that, by sending the heartfelt letters, he would be admitting that he cares. Finally, in the end, you tie up the whole letter thing with Chanyeol’s releasing a letter in a bottle into the ocean. You also linked Baekhyun’s hobby, the tape recordings, to the end of the story, as well. I thought this was a genius way to tie up everything in the story because not only did you include these small aspects of the characters that were developed throughout the story, but you let the fic end at the beach that Chanyeol and Baekhyun frequented. It was just incredibly clever to end your fic this way. As for the point deduction, I only took off a point because I kind of figured Baekhyun would die before even starting the fic because of what you said in the description, but I’m going to assume that you wanted the reader to know that something along those lines would happen. Still, I’m not a huge fan of spoilers. All in all, your fic had one of the most interesting and well-developed plotlines I have ever read.

Mechanics: 16/20
You have a few errors in grammar and mechanics sprinkled throughout your story, but nothing major. Your biggest struggles seem to be the formatting of dialog – which most people have trouble with – and the use of commas where they are not needed and the lack of commas where they actually are needed. For example, at one point you say: “Chanyeol knew that right from the start, Baekhyun was something different.” The placement of the comma in this sentence is not entirely correct and seems somewhat awkward. The portion that reads “right from the start” should function as a parenthetical, since it is not necessary information in this sentence but rather just elaborates on what Chanyeol knew, or rather when Chanyeol knew Baekhyun was different. Without that portion, the sentence would function just fine as: “Chanyeol knew that Baekhyun was something different.” You could also consider formatting the sentence in this way: “Chanyeol knew that, right from the start, Baekhyun was different.” There were a few other instances similar to this, but I won’t bring them up because I’ve already explained the problem. You have a little trouble with the format of your dialog, from what I noticed, so I’ll point out the biggest flaws that I saw. Don’t capitalize pronouns (he, she, they, etc.) after dialog. The pronoun and dialog tag (said, called, shouted, etc.) are part of the same sentence as the dialog, so it is pointless to capitalize the pronoun, considering it is the middle of a sentence. I also found a few comma splices. A comma splice is when you attempt to link dialog that is already an independent clause with another sentence that does not describe how the dialog was spoken. One example is this: “’Talk again,’ The boy blinks…” ‘Blinks’ is not a variation of ‘said’, nor is it a way to describe how something was said. Therefore, Baekhyun’s statement should end with a period and “The boy blinks…” starts a new sentence. Also, don’t start a new paragraph when the same person is speaking, unless you leave out the quotation marks at end the end of the preceding paragraph and continue from there in the new one. I probably went into too much detail with this, but hey, I’m not called the Grammar Nazi for nothing. I find that this site is really helpful for formatting dialog. Other than those few mistakes, your writing is brilliant. Everything else is capitalized correctly and the writing is very descriptive and beautiful. It is extremely well-written.

Originality: 9/10
I’m only deducting a point because I have read or heard about some stories/novels where a character falls in love with someone else, but it doesn’t work out because they are immortal and the love interest is human (or something to that effect). Putting that aside, your story was one of the most original fics I’ve ever read. It was very refreshing to read such a creative and interesting fic.

Characterization: 13.5/15
I really love how you developed your characters. You stick with the two main characters, Chanyeol and Baekhyun, throughout the whole story. This saved me from a lot of confusion that is, unfortunately, quite prevalent in most fics because, for some reason, authors feel the need to throw tons of characters at the reader and that’s just annoying. This occurs even in oneshots. Thank you for not overwhelming me with an overabundance of people. I found myself falling in love with the characters, especially Baekhyun. You reveal his unique personality slowly, but not too slow, and make sure to point out his peculiarities every chance you get. Because of this, I really understand why Chanyeol thinks Baekhyun is so different. I felt like I was falling in love and learning about Baekhyun alongside Chanyeol, which is great. The only thing that I feel is lacking in your characterization is information about Chanyeol’s past. I’m aware that his life is supposed to have been this eternity of loneliness and dullness, but I would have liked to know where exactly he was from; what, or rather who, he had lost that made him so against interacting with humans; etc. There are a few things missing from his character that would have made it easier to understand why he acted a certain way, is all.

Flow: 10/10
The story flows very nicely. You weave the years together skillfully, which saves the reader a great deal of confusion. I also feel that the number of years that pass within the story is perfect. There is enough time for Baekhyun to break down Chanyeol’s wall, for the two of them to become best friends, and eventually become lovers. It is a very realistic timeline, taking into consideration Chanyeol’s disinclination to communicate with people or have any contact them whatsoever. Good job.

Enjoyment: 5/5
I’m not joking when I say your story was one of the best fics I’ve ever read on AFF, if not the best. I ship Baekyeol so hard, so I’m really glad I got the chance to review a Baekyeol oneshot! This story made me spazz, laugh, cry, sob, and all of that junk. I don’t think I’ve ever been that emotionally invested in a fic before reading yours. It is beautifully written and I absolutely love it. I even upvoted and subscribed because I know I’m going to go back and read it again someday (or maybe all the time).  Funny thing, though: when I was reaching the end of the fic, where Baekhyun dies and everything, two of my favorite sad songs came on and they just so happened to fit the plot almost too perfectly, which just made me sob even more. The songs were “You’ll Be in My Heart” by FT Island (part of the song goes “I’ll be there for you always” which is funny because Baekhyun won’t be there always. Excuse me while I sob all over again) and “Take Me Away” by U-KISS. Anyway, I really enjoyed your fic. A lot.

Appearance: 5/5
The layout and everything is really beautiful. The description and foreword are really pleasing to the eye, which impressed me and made me want to read on even more – if that even makes sense. The story itself was easy to look at. The font is just the right size, the spacing is good, and the font isn’t annoying or distracting. The format of Chanyeol’s letters and Baekhyun’s playlists is really nice, too. I also like that you use a picture of birds flying to break up the story, rather than a bunch of dashes or bullets. Very creative. 

total: 90/100

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note from i_lovekpop_fics : Your fic received a score of 90 points, which means it will be added to the Featured Stories/Graphics Page! Congratulations and keep up the good work!

layout credit: i_lovekpop_fics