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Story Review ;


reviewer: i_lovekpop_fics
title: "Heartfelt Voice"
author: GreenGardenPop
genre: fantasy
characters: Kim Myungsoo, Park Jiyeon, Im Yoona
summary: "She hoped that she would meet the guy – the owner of beautiful voice that
always talked in her ear. "

Title: 3/5
Short and not cliché. It holds some relation to the story. I deducted points, though, because I did not feel interested in reading the story after reading the title. It lacks impact or staying power.

Description and foreword: 8/10
It’s short and simple and gives just a little information about the story, but not enough to give away the plot. It makes the reader interested in continuing because it evokes a sense of curiosity. Who is the owner of the voice? Why is it whispering to her?  Those are some questions I had. I deducted a few points because the poem in the foreword left me confused; it was somewhat contradictory to the description. You say that it’s a “sweet voice” and in the description you mention that she wants to find the owner of said “sweet voice”. However, in the poem it also says “…other times I should run away in fear” and “…there are times I wish it would just go”. I was just confused as to whether it really is a sweet voice, or an evil voice, etc. I appreciate the idea of using a poem, though.

Plot: 10/20
The plot is pretty original; I don’t think I’ve seen anything quite like it, whether it be on this site or anywhere else. However, I can’t say that it’s the best plot out there. It starts out interesting enough: the OC hears a man’s voice in her head, which she has heard since a trip to Okinawa with her class. I understood that; I could follow that. It seems to me, though, that after about chapter two, the plot gets confusing and jumbled. Some things that occur in the story just don’t make sense, or they contradict one another. For example, the main character confesses to Yoona - whom she doesn’t necessarily like and is practically a stranger to her - that she hears a voice in her ear. This is strange because the main character can’t even tell her own mother that she hears a voice. Yeah, her mother thinks she’s pretty crazy already, but if I were in that situation, I would confide in my mother before telling my deepest secret to some woman I barely knew. As the story progressed, I found myself getting increasingly confused. There were so many things going on at once: her class was being disruptive and disrespectful, this one student was being a jerk so she locked him in a closet, something about a gecko on the ceiling (are geckos even native to Korea? I don’t think they are), the characters sing randomly, etc. I just don’t see how any of those events tie into the plot, or do anything to move it along. The main character’s relationship with Yoona is really topsy-turvy, too; I never really knew where they stood with one another. I’m also confused as to what Yoona’s being a playgirl and Myungsoo’s being a playboy have to do with anything at all. Why does it matter? I also can’t make sense of everything that occurs in the apartment, because not much of it is really explained. I just felt very lost. I couldn’t keep track of all the information and twists and turns being thrown at me, which makes the actual main plot of the story (the problem of the mysterious voice in her ear) hard to follow. I think you should spend some time on making sure you follow a clear plotline, rather than throwing in random events and moments that do nothing to help the reader get through your story, but rather hinder their ability to enjoy your fic.

Mechanics: 9.5/20
Your mechanics and grammar need some work. I know you said English is not your first language, and I commend you for attempting to write a fic completely in English, but don’t think this means I’ll go easy on your grammar. I noticed while reading your fic that you struggle with comma placement and usage. Some things that need a comma are not given one, while other phrases are given unnecessary commas. If there’s not an unnecessary comma or one is not missing, there is a comma in an awkward spot. For example, one phrase in the story goes like this: “…my mom questioned, who was standing at the end of my bed”. The placement of the comma in this instance is strange. In this instance, the phrase after the comma should function as a parenthetical because it is providing more information about the mother (her location). However, the way you placed it, it seems like you’re saying that the mother was questioning someone who was standing at the end of the daughter’s bed and accidentally included a comma. I think it’s pretty safe to assume that you wanted the comma to function as a parenthetical, so the correct format of this portion would be: “…my mom, who was standing at the end of my bed, questioned”. When formatted in this way, the comma functions as a correctly placed parenthetical and provides extra information about the mother. There are many more instances like this throughout your story, so I’m not going to point all of them out; I suggest you read through your chapters and fix the incorrect parentheticals, or take them out altogether. Another issue I found with commas is this one: “Her eyebrows were drawn down, producing a horizontal wrinkle on the bridge of her nose, seeming so furious.” By adding in the “seeming so furious” portion at the end, it messes up the sentence. It makes it sound as if the wrinkle on her the bridge of the mother’s nose seems furious, and even then it wouldn’t really make sense. If “furious” is meant to describe the mother, consider formatting the portion like this: “Her eyebrows were drawn down, producing a horizontal wrinkle on the bridge of her nose. She seemed so furious.” Or, you can just get rid of “seeming so furious” completely. There are a lot of instances similar to this throughout your fic, as well. I noticed that you also struggle with the format of your dialog. Whether it be capitalization, comma usage, etc., the dialog is messy. For example, one portion of the story goes like this: “Taking a deep breath, she added calmly. "Do you not have teaching today?" my mom pointed to the right.” This is very messy. There should be a comma after “she added calmly” (because it’s leading into a question that functions as part of the same sentence) and it would be best to replace ‘added’ with ‘asked’ (because the mother is asking a question). The ‘my’ at the beginning of “my mom pointed to the right” should be capitalized because it is the start of a new sentence; it is not a dialog tag. Again, there are a few problems similar to this throughout your fic. Another tip for your dialog: if the same speaker is talking, do not separate the dialog. If the speaker does not change, all of their dialog remains in the same paragraph (unless they’re delivering a monologue that needs to be separated into multiple paragraphs, but I don’t think you have any of those). On the contrary, if there are multiple speakers, every new speaker should receive a new paragraph for their dialog. Having multiple speakers within the same paragraph is confusing. You also have an issue with repetition. What I mean by this is that you use the same words or phrases over and over again, and sometimes you have a string of sentences that describe one thing and come across as redundant. A few examples of words/phrases that are overused in your writing are: “the blonde guy”; “my damn students”; “recalcitrant”, etc. Also, if someone is addressing another person or object, it’s not necessary to put “the” in front of their name. For example, Yoona addresses the main character multiple times as “the younger teacher”. I’m not sure if you just took the literal translation of whatever is your first language, but in English it’s not necessary to put “the” before everything. This is just a pet peeve of mine, but the word ‘retarded’ really irritates me. It’s not politically correct (or respectful) to refer to something as ‘retarded’ in a playful manner. It’s insulting and I wish people wouldn’t use it so nonchalantly. Please keep this in mind. Okay, I’m going to wrap up this section now because I realize it’s a lot to take in and actually turned out a longer than I had meant for it to. Kudos to you, though, for attempting to write a story in a language that is not your native tongue. That’s admirable.

Originality: 9.5/10
Your story is very original, considering I’ve never seen anything quite like it. That’s saying a lot, too, because I’m an avid reader. I only took off half a point because the voice whispers advice in the main character’s ear and yells at her from time to time, which somewhat reminds me of New Moon, by Stephanie Meyer. In the novel, the main character, Bella, hears Edward’s voice in her head sometimes. The two things are only slightly similar, though. Other similar stories might exist, but I haven’t seen them, so you’re good on originality.

Characterization: 6.5/15
After reading through your chapters, I’m not sure I really know much about the characters. All I really know about the main character is that she’s young and teaches math. I don’t know anything about her past, I have no idea what she looks like, her interests and hobbies are all but a mystery, etc. I feel like I know next to nothing about the main character, and that worries me. Not much information is given about anyone else, although you describe hair colors and what-not. What I found confusing, though, is that Yoona and Myungsoo’s personalities fluctuate, as does the main character’s. They’re emotions are all over the place, and the way they interact with one another changes from line to line. In one chapter alone, Myungsoo is a jerk to the main character, then he kisses her passionately and looks at her lovingly, then he dislikes her, etc. The same can be said for Yoona; I had no idea if she liked the main character or not. I just feel that your characters are lacking depth and structure, two things that I look for when reading a fic. I suggest that, in the remaining chapters, you spend some time developing each of your characters and adding some depth to them!

Flow: 6/10
The flow of your story is somewhat choppy. Time seems to move quickly, considering so many events are packed into just nine chapters, but I’m not sure that a lot of time actually goes by. I’m pretty sure the entire fic, so far, occurs in just a few days. The events that take place seem random and awkward at times, so this also disrupts the flow of the story, which makes it difficult for the reader to follow. Keep in mind that the reader has no idea what’s going on in your head, so pay close attention to whether or not the events and passing of time will make sense to someone that is not yourself!

Enjoyment: 2/5
I found it hard to really get into your fic. I was so busy focusing on the grammatical errors and random events that it was hard to really sit back and enjoy what I was reading. I found myself distracted from the main plot by random events (i.e. the appearance of the gecko; the singing; etc.) and people that really do nothing to aid the progression of the plot. I don’t like to be so confused while reading a fic; it takes away from my ability to enjoy reading. Keep in mind, though, that this is my opinion alone, and that not everyone will agree with me.

Appearance: 5/5
The font size and color are perfect; not too small or big, not to dark or light. The spacing between paragraphs is good, too. The description and foreword are very pretty, as well! Good job. 

total: 59.5/100

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