All Alone

I was all alone.

With him gone, I could barely breathe. It was as if the only light in my world was suddenly shut off. It was as if I was thrown back into that hole – the hole that I was stuck in before he pulled me out. Not only was I thrown back in, but that hole was somehow deeper than before, and now I just couldn’t get out.

I couldn’t even say his name. I couldn’t even think his name. I grew distant from the friends I made, for I could not bear to be near the people who I would never have known if it weren’t for him. I could not bear to walk into school everyday because I just felt empty without him beside me. I felt like I was constantly alone, and there was nothing I could do but suffer.

I don’t understand why it was so hard. I was alone before he came into my life. Now, with him gone, my life has returned to what it once was. I survived thirteen years like that without complaint, but why is it so hard now? Why is it so hard to return to a life that I knew for so many years of my life? Why was it so painful?

The pain was too much. I needed something to stop it. I tried crying, but I soon ran out of tears. I tried creating a different pain, but soon my blood pouring down my arms did nothing anymore. It wasn’t until I met a kid in the back parking lot of my school that I finally found my painkiller.

Who knew these meds were so effective? I would take four pills and the pain would suddenly disappear. I would smoke one joint, and I would feel very light. It felt good, getting rid of the pain. It felt like I could live again.

But I wasn’t truly living. I was simply hiding in another shell. I realize now that that’s all I’ve ever done – hide behind someone. I hid in a shell of loneliness, and then I hid behind him, and then I hid behind drugs and . I was a coward who couldn’t live in the world – all I knew how to do was hide.

It wasn’t until one of my teachers, Mrs. Chen, discovered my problem that my life finally changed. She was one of the older teachers in the school and my science teacher. She had been my favorite teacher ever since she taught my first science class in grade 1 of senior high school. One day, after my last class, she kept me late. She told me to stay for an extra minute, and I obeyed. After all, I only had to go home and get high for the rest of the day.

“Huang Mei,” Mrs. Chen said, sitting down in the desk in front of me, facing me, “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” I said, hoarsely. My voice has been hoarse ever since I started using. I couldn’t control the coughing fits that came every now and then.

“You don’t seem fine,” Mrs. Chen commented, gently, “Is everything alright?”

“Everything’s fine.” Lies. Nothing was fine. But I couldn’t admit that.

Mrs. Chen stared at me for a long while before sighing, “I can see something’s wrong, Mei. Your grades have fallen from A’s to D’s. You’re always late to class and you’ve been sleeping so often too. Your eyes are bloodshot everyday and you just seem…out of it. Not to mention it’s already May and you’re still wearing large sweaters. You’ve been slowly spiraling downward the past year and I can’t bear to see it anymore.” She was right. I couldn’t focus in class because of the drugs. I couldn’t wake up in the morning because I was so high the night before. I couldn’t wear anything with short-sleeves because it would reveal the scars. I couldn’t do anything right.

“Let me see your bag,” Mrs. Chen said, standing up and reaching for my bag. I pulled away. She couldn’t look inside. My stash was in there.

“No,” I said, clutching my backpack close to my chest. Mrs. Chen frowned and reached for my bag, pulling it free from my grip. I wasn’t strong enough to hold it.

She opened the pockets until she found a small bag in the outer pocket. She held it up and stared at me with wide eyes. I stared down at my desk, ashamed. Why was I so weak?

“Mei,” she whispered, kneeling down next to my chair, “Is this what I think it is?” I put my hands on my desk and started playing with the sleeves of my sweater, pulling them down over my hands. I couldn’t answer her. I couldn’t form words.

She then reached over to my hands and pulled at the sleeves of my sweater. For some reason, I didn’t fight back. I let her push the sleeves back and reveal the scars on my wrists. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was in for it now.

“Mei,” she said again, “You need to get help.” I glanced at her quickly before looking straight ahead.

“I don’t need help.”

“You do, Mei,” Mrs. Chen protested, “You do. What you’re doing to yourself…it’s not good. You’re slowly killing yourself…”

I snorted, “And? Everyone dies eventually.”

“But you shouldn’t force it to happen sooner.”

“Why not?” I exploded, turning my head to look at her, “Why can’t I speed up the process? Why can’t I die early? Nobody would care if I died tomorrow. I’d just be another statistic.”

“I’d care.”

Suddenly my world stopped for a second. My eyes widened as I stared into her eyes, which were filling with tears. She took a shaky breath and held my hand, giving it an encouraging squeeze.

“I would care if you died, Mei,” she said, “I would care if you didn’t come into school tomorrow. I would care if anything happened to you because I care about you.” For the first time in almost a year, I felt tears come to my eyes. Mrs. Chen grabbed my other hand, which turned my body to face her.

“I care about you, Mei, and I hate to see you doing this to yourself. You are a good person – a wonderful person. You’re pretty and smart and kind and funny and respectful and so many other things. You’re a good person who has had a lot of bad things happen to you, but you’re still here. You’re still here on this earth for a reason. Don’t let yourself go just because things are hard.”

Tears spilled down my cheeks, and I couldn’t control the sobs that racked my body. She squeezed my hands again, comforting me. I took a shaky breath before letting everything out.

“Have you ever been ignored and beaten to the point where you just didn’t care?” I asked her, letting every emotion that I have ever felt release, “You just accepted the fact that you were nobody and no one could ever care about you. But then, someone comes into your life and makes you feel special. He helps you climb out of the hole that you were stuck in and protects you from ever falling back in. And then, he’s gone. Just like that. He breaks your heart and throws you back into that hole to wither away, all alone. Once again, nobody cares about you, and all you can do is sit in that hole and wait for death to come. Why won’t death come? Why can’t I just be free from this stupid ing hole?!” Mrs. Chen reached up and wrapped her arms around me as I sobbed into her shirt. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t handle the loneliness and the pain that I’ve been keeping inside of me for so long. I could feel everything inside of me and I realized that everything I had been doing to kill the pain had never really killed it at all – it just masked it. It lured me into a false sense of security, and now reality has come to bite me in the .

I don’t know how long I cried for, but when I finally felt my eyes dry, I pulled away from Mrs. Chen. She gave me a small smile and my hair.

“You’ve had such a hard life,” she told me, “But you don’t deserve this pain. Nobody does.” I nodded my head, understanding what she was saying.

“I can’t heal you,” she continued, “But I can find someone who can. And I can pay for that person to make you better. I can help you through your healing process, but you have to want it.

“Do you want to get better?” she asked me.

I stared into her eyes, thinking about what she said. I can heal. I can get over this. I can get out of this hole and live a normal life. I can kill the pain that has taken over my life and finally be free from the darkness that I was in.

“Yes,” I told her, and she smiled at me, nodding her head.

“Then I will make the arrangements,” she said, standing up and helping me stand as well.

For the first time in a year, I finally felt a sliver of hope. I finally felt like there was something to look forward to – that there was a light at the top of this hole that I was in. I just had to reach out and grab it. And, even though he wasn’t there to help me out, I felt like someone else could help me instead.

For the first time in a long while, I didn’t feel all alone.

Ok, so I had a hard time writing this chapter. It was hard for me to connect with the character on this one because, while I have been in depression before, I never went this far or felt this lost. I tried to take the feeling I once felt and multiply it by two, and that helped me relate a bit better, but then I didn't feel like writing because I felt so sad xD So yeah, I hope you guys like this, regardless! I hope it makes sense too...cause it did in my mind, but my mind was so screwed up for a moment there that it might not actually make sense...anyway, thanks for reading, subscribing, and commenting! You guys don't know how much it really means to me that you like this story! :D ♥