“I wish to have before I die,” I say, pouting.

That is a very odd thing to say of course, but ever since the meeting with L, I can’t get rid of the thought. It’s not like we talked about y things or anything, we barely even kissed. There wasn’t anything sensual going on between us – I can’t really say I am ually attracted to him. But still…maybe it was the dead soul in me talking.

Woohyun, being Woohyun, however takes it completely wrong. Wiggling his eyebrows he said, “Anytime, I’m always free for you.”

I groan. Woohyun hyung thinks of himself too much; someone should tell him it’s unhealthy.

“Not with you,” I clear up what should have been obvious. “That would be yucky.”

Woohyun laughs. He always likes to laugh whenever someone says that he’s not the center of their worlds after all, but inside he is grinding with anger. I can bet that in his mind he’s thinking ‘Your loss then.’

“Why? We’re not even brothers.”

I roll my eyes.

“We are.”

“We’re not even half-brothers, big deal. Plus is hot.”

Yes, Woohyun hyung is always like that. He speaks nonsense most of the time and apart from being overly greasy, he is disgusting.

“Will you ever be serious?” I ask.

Here I am, trying to convey my dying wish and my brother goes on about . I can’t believe this is my life. Aren’t I supposed to get special treats because I won’t last long? It is pretty obvious, unlike my dying intentions, that I don't have too long.

It’s been one week since I met L and in these 7 days I’ve lost 6 pounds. Nowadays, I didn’t have the energy to keep standing for more than an hour at a stretch and I sleep most of the time.

Things are not looking good for me.

Looks like whatever voodoo the Indonesian yogi had done isn’t working.

But sleeping is good because I always dream about my meeting with L. That was a wonderful day. He’s so nice, nicer than I had pictured him. His voice is soft and soothing, but deep. It feels so warm against my earlobes.

And I also like the way he breathes – I can’t exactly see it, but I can feel it, even rise and fall, like ebb and tide of the sea. It’s beautiful.

And he does have dark hair, it falls over his forehead slightly but his eyes are uncovered so I can gaze into them and drown in their depth.

He has a habit of staring at me when he talks, and when the conversations lulls. It’s safe to say he’s stared at me the whole time we were together. And then when I was walking away from him, I looked back and saw that he was still staring at me.

I felt flattered.

He also called me beautiful. Which was a bit of a stretch considering my current appearance, but still…

I tried to introduce Woohyun to him but Woohyun didn’t like it. Maybe because L is actually more handsome than him. Not that he would ever admit it. Oh by the way, he told me his real name. Myungsoo. Kim Myungsoo.

But I kept calling him L and he didn’t mind.

I like Myungsoo too, but I like L better.

L for love. L for lover.

L for life. The life I crave but I don’t expect to have.

“I am serious. So what do you think?”

Woohyun’s voice drags me to the present. He’s smirking.

“Seriously hyung, I mean Myungsoo.”

Woohyun’s face falls.

“He’s ugly.”

“Please,” I say, trying to puff out my cheeks. I used to be cute once but right now I don’t think it’ll work.

Even then, Woohyun’s face softens.

“How are you even planning to do it? I mean where and when and-and…in this condition?”

I make a face at him for the jab.

“That’s where you come in, you have to arrange it.”

“Please, isn’t it enough I act as your letter carrier?”

For some reason we never exchanged phone numbers. Not that it would have really worked since I didn’t have a phone and there would be too many questions if I gave L Sunggyu’s number.

No, we are still stuck with old fashioned letters.

Which suits me just fine, although I would love to hear his voice more.

“Did you ask him?”

“Umm, no.”

But for some reason, I don’t think he will disagree. Maybe because I believe he loves me, the way I love him.

Woohyun however takes this opportunity to lecture me about how I assume too much and expect too much from people.

To shut him up, I say, “Hyung, I’m dying!”

After that, he doesn’t resist anymore.

But days pass by and we really can’t find a proper time to give my family the slip. It seems like mom and dad are home more nowadays; they spend more time with me in my room. So Woohyun hyung and I don’t even get to talk that much in privacy. Sunggyu hyung is often breathing down our necks. He isn’t mean to Woohyun hyung anymore, but he doesn’t leave us alone for long. And he watches us with hawk eyes, his gaze lingering from Woohyun’s hands to mine.

That makes me think that Woohyun was right about Sunggyu hyung suspecting that something’s going on between us.

But the main point is, at this rate, my wish will never come true.

So I do something insanely stupid.

I come clean to my family.

About the letters.

About Woohyun hyung’s help.

About L.

No, Kim Myungsoo.

I tell them about Kim Myungsoo.

And how much I love him.

So before I tell my parents the big news, I don’t consult with anyone, not even Woohyun hyung. And I play some of the worst case scenarios in my mind.

Woohyun hyung will definitely get the short end of the stick. But I’ll apologise for him. If need be, I’ll cry again. I’ll cry for days until they forgive him. They’ll be mad about the letters and L of course but I’ll request them badly – I’ll tell them that it’s my dying wish. So after some frowns and disapproving shakes, they will let me have my way.

At worst, they won’t and I’ll die.

Yeah, that sounds simple enough.

Only, it doesn’t turn out that way.

I tell them, all of them together. Mom, dad and Sunggyu hyung. They listen, then they exchange glances. They look worried but the shouts and screams don’t come. They sit still, looking at each other.

And then, Sunggyu hyung looks at me gravely and says, “Sungjong, how the hell do you remember Myungsoo?”