In the last one month, I have lived off three or four years of the happiest part of my life. That’s how I feel.

That’s how satisfied I feel.

That’s how exhausted I feel.

No, nothing changed. Well nothing significant changed – that’s what it would seem like to anyone. But there was one addition that made me look forward to every day more than I look forward to my birthdays. One single thing made me want to live one more day. And one more after that.

And a few extra days.

Maybe even forever.

Yes, I was getting greedy. Suddenly, for the first time since I heard about it, death seemed like a horrible thing – a barrier between me and L.

I wasn’t scared of death, I just wish I didn’t have to die. At least not now, not when I had L.

It’s really strange because when I used to write to L without getting any replies, I had thought that if I got to talk to him just once, I could die happy. But now that I am constantly communicating with him through letters, I don’t want to stop living. I don’t want this to stop, I want to love L forever.

All this time I thought I had nothing to live for, now I do.

L’s letters.

L.

Us.

There is an ‘us’ now, L wrote in many of his letters - us. He talks about us being a match made in heaven, us being in love – every time the word appears in the letter, it injects the will to live into me a bit more.

Of course L has no way of knowing it, but he uses the word a lot. It really doesn’t help.

We have exchanged almost 25 letters, and the only one who’s not happy about the frequency of the letters is Woohyun. He complains about how he has to run about delivering letters. He could have denied to do the job, but he never does. I know despite all his complains, he would do anything for me.

“You won’t have to for long now,” I one day when he was grumbling excessively. He went uncharacteristically quiet and I sighed. Because what I’d said is actually true.

Recently I had to go through a few major check-ups at the hospital. After that I had seen mom and dad crying while talking to the doctor. Sunggyu hyung was now extra nice to Woohyun hyung and he was allowed to come and go at all times.

All this can mean one thing. And I’m sure it means just that.

My time is almost up.

This has to be the worst timing ever.

And L doesn’t even know about it.

I didn’t tell him yet that my condition was deteriorating. I’m not sure what he would do, what he can do. No one can do anything about this actually.

So what’s the point of telling him?

But I guess there’s one last thing I could do. One last thing to satisfy my greedy little self. And the first one I told this to was of course Woohyun hyung.

“I want to meet L.”

Woohyun sighed, a deep and meaningful sigh.

“About time.”

I raised my eyebrow at him.

“I was expecting this.” He sighed again (the sound was now annoying me) and looked me in the eyes. “But are you sure? I mean do you want this thing go even farther?”

I knew what he meant – it would probably be more painful for me to let go if I went too deep into this. Maybe I’d even become a ghost and my soul will forever hover in this world, chasing L. That wouldn’t be very nice though, I don’t want to haunt L. As much as I love him, haunting someone on earth is very uncool.

However, I still want to meet him. I feel like my life would be a super waste if I don’t meet him one more time. I mean the first and last time I met him, I only had enough time to see his eyes. I’m not sure anymore if his hair is black, how it was styled, what he was wearing, how he was walking. I had seen them all, but with time the memory started to fade until his outline was erased and now…I only remember his eyes. Which is enough, in my opinion because my love didn’t fade.

So I went ahead and wrote L a letter saying I want to meet him. The two days it took to get his letter back was the hardest; trepidation rained down on me and I was worried that what if he didn’t want to meet me? What if the same thought that Woohyun was afraid of had occurred to him as well and he didn’t want to make the tie stronger.

I was so happy when I finally got his answer bearing the time and place he decided, not too far away from my house. He now knows about how I can’t receive mails or go out of the house, without permission that is. He also told me he’d gladly change the date and time if I have problems.

I don’t have any problem. Because this week my mom and dad are going away. Not forever of course, they’re actually going to visit a yogi in Indonesia who apparently can cure all sorts of diseases, even people on their death beds. So they were going to bring back blessings for me.

Poor mom and dad, they are trying so hard.

So that leaves Sunggyu, a major obstacle. But luckily, he has his exams the whole of next week and so he called in a babysitter for me, i.e. Woohyun hyung.

It looks like we’re destined to meet because the situation shaped itself so nicely to make sure we won’t have drastic problems barring us from meeting.

So today’s the big day. I haven’t had a lot of big days, no. But today is special. So I dress carefully and while doing so I notice how much weight I’ve lost recently. I look like a zombie honestly, with large sunken eyes and eyebags, the works.

I hope L doesn’t freak out when he sees me.

At least Woohyun doesn’t. But he stares at me for so long that I have to ask him what’s wrong.

“You look nice,” he says. “Nicer than usual I mean.”

I roll my eyes. I can’t tell if he’s being serious or not.

“He better be good looking or I’d be just sitting in that stupid stuffy shop for nothing.”

I whirl around, appalled.

“You’re accompanying me just because you want to see a handsome guy?”

Woohyun looks embarrassed. For the first time in forever!

“I was kidding.”

“Let’s hurry,” I insist to save us both the embarrassment. He looks at me critically.

“Can you walk?”

Huffing, I put my hands on my hips. Is he taking Sunggyu’s “Look after Jongie” seriously?

“Yes, I’m dying, not handicapped.”

“Got it, let’s go.”

We’re going to a coffee shop at the other end of the block. So even if Sunggyu hyung calls me to tell me he’s coming home, we can rush to the house before he reaches it.

When Woohyun helps me to sit at a table, I glare at him. He’s really trying to look after me, guiding me by the elbow, opening doors and pulling chairs.

“I don’t need this,” I let him know.

He puffs out his cheek and exhales. He looks cute.

“Just don’t die on me today okay? Then I might have to join you because Sunggyu will kill me.”

I nod at him and send him off with a smile. He goes to sit at another corner and before long he’s flirting with a girl at the next table. And I’m here, my eyes on the door.

Will he really come? Will he make it? Will he forget?

Did I read the address right?

He was talking about this place right?

The questions are enough to drive me crazy until I see a familiar figure behind the glass of the door. White hands push on the door – the face is the one that has been blurred by time but has retained its familiarity. In a frantic haze, all my confusion disappears and I just know he’s L. I might have seen him only once for a few seconds a few years ago, still I recognise him.

He looks straight at me and smiles. I am wearing the yellow shirt I promised to wear.

The connection is instant.

It’s so fast, it's so sad, and it's so painful, that it can only be love.