I’m sitting in my bedroom, propped against a mountain of pillows. That’s all I can do now, I’m that weak. After I confessed to everyone about L, they had called the doctor. He looked very serious and he wanted to take me to the hospital to do some tests. I didn’t want to, so he didn’t force me.

Woohyun hyung had been called and interrogated by my parents. They hadn’t been angry with him, they only asked him questions. Sunggyu hyung has quit talking completely.

My letters have been confiscated. L’s ones as well. Of course I was shocked when they said they knew L. I was even more shocked when they said I knew L. I mean I do know him, but what they said made my head spin so much that I passed out. Yeah, it was that insane.

I still couldn’t come to terms with what they are saying.

L doesn’t exist.

L is a memory, only a memory of mine.

That was when I pulled out the stack of letters and threw it at them.

Sunggyu hyung picked them up and after examining a few of them, he looked up at me with painful eyes.

“He writes to me, he still does!” I shouted at him, tears threatening to burst from my eyes.

“Sungjong,” Sunggyu hyung’s voice breaks. His eyes are swimming with tears as well. “Myungsoo doesn’t write to you. You – you’re writing these replies to yourself. Don’t you see, it’s your handwriting on all the letters?”

“No, that – that can’t be. Woohyun hyung brought me all those letters…” I fainted right after that so I don’t know what happened. But I’m guessing that’s when they called Woohyun. Even when I woke up, I couldn’t come to terms with the facts. Or at least what my family was saying were the facts.

Myungsoo is dead.

I knew him but he’s dead.

I am so conflicted right now - should I feel happy that at least I knew Myungsoo, or should I be horrified that Myungsoo is dead? Shouldn’t I be heartbroken that the L I had has been snatched away from me?

I don’t know how to feel.

Woohyun hyung enters the room, looking defeated and confused. Instead of taking his usual place on the chair, he squeezes in beside me in the bed, telling me to scoot over.

“Tell me how to feel,” I ask him in a low voice.

“I’m so sorry Sungjong, I don’t know.”

I chuckle.

“Finally, something the great Nam Woohyun doesn’t know.”

Woohyun sighs audibly.

“I really wish I knew what’s going on.”

Me too.

“Do you really think L is just in my head?”

Woohyun shrugs, but doesn’t answer.

I’m not going to let him go so easily.

“You saw him didn’t you? You even talked to him. You got the letters.”

“Yes I did,” Woohyun confirms.

“So that means he’s real right?” I clap him on the arm. “We both can’t be delusional – besides, you didn’t even know Myungsoo before so how did you even imagine him?”

“Well Sungjong, you can’t believe everything you see.”

There goes cynic Woohyun.

“But this is…the letters, I didn’t write them, L wrote them to me!”

I’m doing it again, I’m screaming and I can hear my heart throbbing. This is not good for my health but I can’t help it, I simply can’t accept it.

The existence of L had changed my life – it made my life more meaningful, made me want to live, made me happy. Now everyone is saying that all of this is in my head – I can’t accept that so easily and live like it never happened.

Or die.

“So you told them you saw L?”

Finally, Woohyun hyung cracks a grin.

“Yep, and they now want to lock me up in an asylum. I think they even called the doctor.”

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper to him. I have put him in a difficult position with his family, and I don’t like it at all. I wish I could do something for him.

“Hey don’t worry kid. You’re the only family I have, as far as I’m concerned. The others are not a great loss.”

Suddenly I want to cry, not because of what happened about L, no. I just realized that I will miss another person a lot apart from L when I’m gone – Woohyun.

He has been my constant friend, family, whatever you say. He’s always been there for me the way no one ever was; he’s always been honest with me. Deep down, I know he loves me a lot.

And so do I.

Now, I want to live again, if not for L, then for Woohyun.

He probably saw the change in my expression, so he hugs me tight. I rest my head on his shoulder. The bitter sensation I had in my throat since the morning wanes slightly.

“So you think L is real?”

“First you tell me, do you remember that Kim Myungsoo from your childhood.”

I shake my head. I honestly don’t. Apparently I knew and was very close to Kim Myungsoo when I was around 5 or 6. We were best friends - we played together, rode our bicycles together; we even ate together. Frankly though, I remembered nothing of it.

When I asked my parents why I didn’t recall my best friend, they said that I had a bicycle accident. We had an accident, Myungsoo and I.

I lost my short-term memory – the memory from a year back and Myungsoo – he lost his life.

That’s why I never had to go through the trauma of losing my best friend so my parents were secretly happy that I lost my memory.

But now, it seems like my memory came back to haunt me. It made me hallucinate. At least that’s what my parents think. They are not sure about it either, so isn’t the doctor. That doesn’t explain how I can picture Myungsoo as a grown up, not as a 6 year old boy. Or how I can talk to him, write to him, read his replies.

It’s crazy – the entire matter – but I’m not. I can’t be.

I didn’t realize that I had fallen asleep. So when I wake up, I am surprised. Woohyun is still beside me, his hands wrapped around me.

“You have 221 eyelashes,” he tells me the moment I open my eyes. His face is really close to mine.

“You counted?” I ask, yawning.

“Yeah, I didn’t have much to do while you were sleeping.”

I don’t say it, but deep down I’m touched. Because Woohyun hates staying still in one place for long and he had to be in this posture, his hand around me for all this time.

He didn’t even complain or try to move away.

And he counted my eyelashes.

“You know what Sungjong, you should tell Myungsoo to meet you one more time. Just one more time. I’ll take you out somehow, I promise. Even if Sunggyu kills me or chops me up and then sends me to a mental facility.”

I don’t laugh, because I’m too touched to laugh. I’m so moved by his words, that I want to hug him and never let him go.

“I’ll get you your writing stuffs.”

I don’t want him to move away from me, but he gets up anyway and brings me my writing material. I write. I have to stop after every sentence because my wrist doesn’t have enough strength.

I write to L what’s probably going to be my very last letter. My last to him, and since I don’t write anyone else letters, there’s no chance I’d ever write again.

So I write.

There are questions. I tell him about what happened. I tell him that I really don’t know what to believe anymore, I’m so confused.

I write.

Finally I give up and dictate to Woohyun hyung, who finishes it for me. Then I sign the letter with my name.

But all the while I’m thinking about Woohyun.