Memory i n the Rain

The reviewer: Gen (ClairDeLune)

Tittle:

“Memory in the Rain”, when I see the tittle, I can know that this is an angst story without looking at a tag. The tittle expresses the mood really well, although I haven’t read your story yet. I have to admit that I like this tittle. It brings to me the sad feeling like everything is blurry and cold in the rain. But it brings to me the romantic feeling, too. Maybe it’s because I like rainy days so I think it’s romantic in somehow. I do not find anything wrong with this tittle. But I am not so sure that this tittle will stay in my mind long enough.

The first impression:

I will talk about your poster first. I have to be brutally honest with you that the poster turns me off. I know it’s an angst story so it’s supposed to look somehow like that but it’s too blurry and its color is not good. I can see that you use the poster for your story’s background too. I think it is perfectly fine because the color itself is simple and plain so when the readers read your story, they will not be distracted. The proof is me! I do not get distracted when I read your story.

Moving to the description and foreword, I find that they’re brilliant! I love that you wrote your foreword in the poetic way. It makes your story more outstanding than the other stories. Just a really small thing, you may think that I am too picky but I wish that you can fix your description a little, like you can make two sentences have the same font and size. Then, it will be perfect. Otherwise, you make me definitely want to read more.

This is not in your description or in your foreword but girl, how did you add music into your story? Oh my goodness! It’s purely beautiful! I love the music. It really builds my mood for your story! I think the music give your story a lot advantages because the music can affect to the readers’ mood and emotion. Good job, author!

Plot:

I think that you did a fantastic job for your plot. However, to be honest, your plot is not new or fresh. I loved the beginning until I reach to the part about the arranged marriage between Jaejoong and Jiyeon, I feel something disenchanted in me. This thing makes me wonder why people so exciting about an arranged marriage. I know that this is fanfiction and it’s supposed to be that way but this kind of plot is the way too overrated. I do not know how about the others, but about me, I have to be brutally honest with you that I am not as eager to read it as before. However, in the next part, I am sure a thing that for those who love the romantic type of story, they will love your story really really much. You wrote it really well as it is a romantic movie. I think that I can see what is happening in your story by my eyes. I have a small question, actually, this is not really a big deal, I am just curious, haha, but… the blue pajama, is it her? I mean that that pajama is for girl? If it’s not, how could she have a male pajama? Haha, it’s a weird question but suddenly, I am so curious about it. In the next part, you make me think, “woa, this is a really romantic story. She wrote it so well done.” However, I do not feel heart-wrenching about it. Yes, what you wrote is a really sad thing but oddly, I do not feel anything except the romance in your story. I have a compliment for you because you wrote more in detail and you chose words as well as the grammar structures wisely so you made the old plot still captivating and stir people’s interest. Good job!

Character:

You portrait the emotions and actions of each characters pretty detailed. I am glad that I can read a lot of sentences that you described how they acted, how their faces expressed, how their emotions changed. I like it! Not so many authors in AFF uses the rule “show, don’t tell”. Sure, it will be easier to tell straightly to the readers how they feel but in other hand, it doesn’t make the story become special.

Myungsoo, based on what I feel when I read your story, is a sensitive and loving guy. He has the unconditional love for Jiyeon. He loves Jiyeon too much that his missing for Jiyeon becomes something like a hallucination or maybe not. He even doesn’t know. About Jiyeon, the way you described her makes me think that she is an angel indeed but Mary Sue. No, I don’t have any feeling that she’s a Mary Sue type. I have a feeling that she’s a very cute, honest and lovely girl.

Writing style and Language:

First of all, the way you use the language is simply beautiful. I read your story and I would not know that English is not your language if you did not tell me so. Believe me, I know some people whose English is their language do not know how to write a sentence properly. However, I do spot some mistakes in your story and I think that they are basic mistakes. I also want to suggest to you some pieces of my ideas when I read some parts in your story.

My eyes roamed around the room, wondering…

In this sentence, you should use a semicolon or a period to separate two clauses “my eyes roamed around the room” and “wondering where she was now”. Why? It’s because a comma makes me misunderstood your sentence. I am confused about whether your eyes were wondering or you were wondering.

All I could do was just pray…

Correction:

All I could do was just praying…

… I feel a wonderful sense of inner peace if she was around me and felt lonely if she wasn’t.

Suggestion:

… I feel a wonderful sense of inner peace when she was around me and felt lonely when she wasn’t.

In my opinion, replacing “if” by “when” will make the sentence sound smoother. Of course, this is my suggestion, you can use it or not, it’s up to you.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts, erasing her voice

Correction:

I shook my head to clear my thoughts, to erase her voice.

I then walked over to my desk…

Suggestion:

Then, I walked over to my desk…

I think this sentence is not wrong but it sounds little bit awkward to me. When I say it out loud, it does not sound smooth so I give you my suggestion.

…the melody of the music gave her a calming and peaceful feeling,…

Correction:

…the melody of the music gave her a calm and peaceful feeling…

The word “calm” is an adjective, a noun and a verb. “Calming” is a verb in the present participle tense.

Flow:

Woa, I like the way that you lead your story. Your flow is perfectly fine. How can you change between the past and the present that smoothly, girl? I am glad that you did tried to use words in order to change the scene. It makes your story more professional and outstanding than the other stories. When I read your story, I can see how reasonable for each event happening. I do not feel rush or slow. For the oneshot, the pace is reasonable.

My thoughts:

Surprisingly, something sweet stays in my mind after I’ve finished your story. Maybe it’s just me because I am weird. Saying that your story is an angst story, yeah maybe, but for me, it’s a lovely romance story. I enjoy reading your story although just only once time that I narrow my eyebrows when I read about the arranged marriage thing. Overall, you are a good writer indeed but I wish that you can challenge yourself more about the plot. It is not bad to try something completely new and fresh, believe me. I can see that many readers giving you compliments, which means that you are not a bad writer so keep on writing, okay.

Have a good day and thank you for requesting at the Coffee, Books and My Thoughts

Gen

Please remember to comment when you've received the review and do credit for the shop.