Sitting alone in the king sized bed they once shared, the knowledge that she would never sleep there again truly set in.

He cried even harder, if that were possible.

His children were equally as devastated. He was doing the best that he could to keep the tears at bay and to distract them from their loss, but it was not easy.

Especially not the night before the funeral.

The words funeral and Kim Ae Ra left a bitter taste in his mouth. He would be burying his wife the next day. His children would be burying their mother the next day.

“D-Dad.” Ae Cha peered her head into her father’s room, which caused the grieving man to look up to see his eldest daughter.

Wordlessly, the seventeen year old entered her father’s room and launched herself into his arms before breaking down into uncontrollable sobs.

Yong Guk soothingly rubbed his daughter’s back and held her tightly as he too sobbed into her shoulder.

“I miss mom. I can’t…” She choked out between sobs, shaking from crying so hard.

“Ae Cha…shhh…” Yong Guk said in between his own sobs in the hopes to not only calm her, but himself as well.

After about a good twenty minutes of father and daughter crying, she looked up at her father with puffy eyes and a blotchy red face. “How am I going to get through the eulogy tomorrow? I..I can’t do it.”

“You can. You can, Ae Cha.” Yong Guk held his daughter’s hand, squeezing it with encouragement. “Your mother will be smiling down on you. She’ll be thrilled with what you’ve written about her.”

Ae Cha peered at the ground to hide the tears that poured down her face as she considered her father’s words. Yes, she could do this. Especially since it was for her mother, one of her biggest role models.

“Are you…are you okay, dad?” She asked after a few moments.

Yong Guk was a bit surprised. Nobody had asked him that question during all of this. Everyone was much more concerned with making sure his children were holding up all right, which of course, was perfectly understandable.

“I’m okay, Ae Cha. I’m okay.” Yong Guk replied and smiled at his daughter.

A little white lie wouldn’t kill him.

In reality, his inner being was in chaos. He was devastated. He couldn’t come to terms with it.

Tomorrow would be the hardest day of his life and yet he knew he would have to be strong for his children.

After sending his daughter to bed with one final hug and a kiss on the forehead, the man attempted to lay down and sleep but he had no such luck. This was the third night he hadn’t been able to sleep, so he wasn’t surprised.

Instead, he took to a notebook beside his bed and quietly wrote lyrics to help convey his feelings about the grief he was experiencing.

Even that was of little use to him.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The funeral service was beautifully delivered in the church that the family frequented. Ae Cha delivered a eulogy that conveyed what a wonderful person Kim Ae Ra truly was.

The former members of B.A.P were there along with Yong Guk’s idol group members.

They all were fond of Ae Ra as well and the additional support touched Yong Guk deeply. To have those closest to him remembering his wife and helping him along with his children through the ordeal was more than enough to bring more tears to his eyes.

“Shhhh!!” Jin Young hissed at his younger brother. “Yong Jin, please stop.”

Yong Jin had been bawling throughout the entirety of the funeral, not that his older siblings hadn’t been. Just being a five year old crying equated to loud and Jin Young’s little heart couldn’t take it.

“But mommy!! Where is she? Why did she go in the ground?” Yong Jin cried which only made Jin Young and Ae Cha’s tears come down harder.

“Sh-She had to.” Ae Cha choked out in between tears before taking her siblings in her arms and hugging them tightly.

Yong Guk watched the exchange between his children before enveloping all three of them in his arms. “Mommy’s in a better place now, Yong Jin. She won’t be sick anymore.” He said softly, before lifting the young boy into his arms.

“But…but she won’t be able to play with me anymore or tuck me in…” Yong Jin looked up at his father, tears in his eyes.

Yong Guk’s heart skipped a beat at that. His stomach tightened in agony and he held his son closer to him. “No, she won’t. But I’ll be able to do those things.” He said, his voice shaky.

“Yong Guk, let me take him.” The voice of Ae Ra’s grief stricken mother said and she took the young boy from his arms, cradling him.

The mourners dispersed from the gravesite and headed to the place where the small reception was to be held.

Yong Guk however remained frozen in his spot for a good half hour, just staring blankly at the fresh dirt that had been placed over the grave. He quietly cried while Himchan stood beside him with his hand on his shoulder.

“Let’s get going.” Himchan said to him and led him away to his car.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Yong Guk, my love, my husband—

            Now that you’re reading this, I am gone from this world and on to the next one.

            Please, love, don’t cry too many tears over me. You need to be strong for our beautiful children. Especially for our youngest, Yong Jin. He won’t understand me being gone fully, so please just be patient.

           There’s so much that I wish I could say to you, Yong Guk. I’m sorry our time together was cut short. This was never supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to get sick…I’m sorry I couldn’t fight harder to stay alive.

            I’m just too tired, too weak. I hate seeing you cry by my bedside when you think I’m sleeping. I hate seeing my children in pain from seeing their mother so sick and in so much pain.

            I hate that it turned out this way, Gukkie. I truly do. I had so much I still wanted to do with you as a wife. So much I still wanted to do as a mother.

            But this illness was too much for even me to handle. I know you always have prided yourself on having a strong wife who could fight anything…but it looks like I could not this time around.

            In addition to you living your life and not grieving over me forever, I ask…

            No, I actually demand of you, my dear love that you move on from me. If you choose to remarry, I promise you that you have my full blessing. I won’t come down from the heavens to haunt you (unless she is a terrible choice to raise our children).

            Despite me demanding you to move on, I know you better than that. Bang Yong Guk, you are one of a kind. You truly are. I know your heart will remain faithful to me (God knows why) until you die.

            My biggest fear is that you’ll stop living because of me, but just remember: you are still on the Earth. The place for the living. Find inner peace in your music, in those wonderful boys you’ve trained to become idols, in your family—especially your children.

            I read everything you’ve written in that journal of yours. I apologize not really for snooping…I was just curious as to what you’ve been writing in there for these past months.

            If anything, reading what’s inside of your head has made me fall in love with you even more. Is that possible? Or just plain crazy? I don’t think I know the difference when it comes to you. Even after all of this time, you still make me feel like a teenager in love. I just regret it couldn’t be that way until I was old and wrinkly.

            Yong Guk, I love you. I don’t know what else to say. It’s all I can think of to say.

            The other thing I want you to know is how grateful I am to you.

            Thank you. Thank you for staying by my side when we went through those miscarriages. Thank you for staying by my side even on my bad days, on the days when I would be angry and take it out on you.

            And finally, thank you for staying by my side through this sickness. Through all of the ugliness that came from it…the chemotherapy treatments that made me sick, the cancer that made me sick…just everything.

            I know how much you hurt while watching me go through this…and yet, you hardly ever let on that you were experiencing so much inner turmoil.

            You’ve been my rock, my pillar. The one stable thing that I could just vent out my frustrations to through this whole thing. Thank you for that.

            Let the children know how much I love them. Show them the various videos I made before the sickness, like we discussed, when various questions about life arise. Also, I’ve written a letter for each of them for now and for when they become adults. I know you’ll be able to take care of that well.

            With nothing left to say, Yong Guk, I will end here before my heart bursts. I believe that there really isn’t anything left for me to tell you that you don’t already know.

            I love you with all of my heart and just know that I’ve died loving you and our family more so than anything else in this world.

            Your gummy smile will forever brighten the world.

            It brightened mine for eighteen years, my handsome man.

            I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU.

                                                                                                            Love,

                                                                                                                        Ae Ra

            P.S. I still think Himchan was the cutest member in B.A.P

Tears streamed down Yong Guk’s face as he let out a small chuckle at his wife’s letter.

He couldn’t believe it. It hadn’t sunk in yet. But his wife, Kim Ae Ra, was truly gone from this earth.

Yes, he would take do as she so boldly demanded and eventually move on from her death, but it would be a slow healing process.

So for tonight, he curled up in his bed, pulling her pillow that still smelled of her to his chest.

As tears continued to stream down his face, Yong Guk’s mental exhaustion finally set in and the grief stricken man was finally able to sleep for the first time in days.

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A/N: I'm sorry if this was absolutely terrible.... OTL I just wanted to attempt something a bit different.

Regardless, I hope you enjoyed it and sorry fo the touchy subject matter of cancer. 

Comments are greatly appreciated!!