No.

No.

No.

This is not real.

This is not happening.

Not to her, not to me. Not to this family.

How? How is she sick?

No, she can’t really be sick. No, my wife cannot have pancreatic cancer. No, her life on this planet cannot be cut short.

No.

No.

NO.

Why did this have to happen? I don’t understand. My wife is a good woman. Wholesome, caring, kind. She doesn’t deserve this….this pain. My children don’t deserve this either.

Why couldn’t it have been me who’s sick instead of her? I don’t want this for her. I want to take away the sickness that’s invading her body.

I promised I’d always take care of Ae Ra and keep her safe. How can I do this when what’s hurting her is from the inside?

It’s out of my hands and all I can do is sit back and watch?

I’m not okay with this. Not at all.

It’s been five months since I’ve last written anything in here.

Five months of watching my wife suffer through chemotherapy treatments. Five months of my children trying to come to grips with their sick mother.

Ae Ra has lost all of her hair. I shaved my head in honor of her and to support her to the best of my abilities.

It seems like that no matter the treatment, it’s just not helping her at all. Sure, the chemo is killing the cancer, but the effects of it are horrendous.

Ae Ra is often ill after treatments or doesn’t feel well. She hardly leaves the house anymore when she’s home and not in the hospital because she’s too sick from the treatments.

I’d do anything to see her get better. Take her all over the world to different medical professionals, but she won’t allow me to.

She wants to get better but not at the risk of me squandering all of my money on her. Her stubbornness frustrates me, but I can’t take her all over the place if she’s unwilling and not to mention unable to go anywhere.

What should I do? I’m at a loss.

So much of my life has been put on hold so I can take care of Ae Ra that I feel confused. I’ve been taking care of the house in place of her and when I’m not at home, I spend my free time at the hospital or running around the kids to their activities.

Ae Ra refused to let them quit anything in spite of her illness. She wouldn’t hear of it even though Jin Young and Ae Cha told her they would stop their activities to spend more time with her and help take care of her.

It’s not their responsibility, though. They are still children.

It’s my job to look after Ae Ra…to do all that I can for my wife so that she can get better and we can put this all behind us.

I still have faith that she’ll get better. That God will stop this. He can’t take Ae Ra away from me.

He can’t.

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How could her health become worse?

She was starting to get better…I don’t understand what happened. Why did the cancer return so much more aggressively?

It’s worse than it was before…it’s at stage four. Stage four means she more than likely won’t survive.

This can’t be…

I refuse to believe this is the end. She’s not even fifty yet…how can the end of her life be so close?

It makes no sense. This isn’t how life should be.

Now she’s in the hospital and is unable to come home. It’s that bad.

The doctor says I should prepare myself and my family for the worse, but I can’t bring myself to do that.

Not yet.

Please, let me have more time with her.

My heart is heavy at the thought of losing my Ae Ra. I cannot accept this as a reality.

I need more time with her. My kids need more time with her. Ae Cha will be going to university soon, Jin Young is going to be captain of his junior league football team and Yong Jin is very attached to her. He follows her around everywhere.

Please…..Please God.

Don’t do this to me.

Don’t do this to Ae Ra.

Don’t do this to our children.

Just don’t.

Don’t…..

Don’t take my love away.

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My Ae Ra…my darling…

You’re gone.

This can’t be true. Not after you have fought this battle for the past year.

At least your were able to see Ae Cha graduate like you wished.

I can’t believe it…

You should still be alive…here…with me…with our kids…