Bright lights and Cityscapes

            I built myself from all the love she never wanted and I was okay with that.

            “When are you gonna give up?” she lightly bumps my shoulder with a bright smile, her windswept hair covering her forehead and my heart flutters for the umpteenth time that day. I take a deep breath, my gaze shifting out onto the cityscape of Seoul. It was beautiful with the dark vastness consuming its borders but it shone brightly like her. I say nothing because I feel we both know the answer to that, and there it goes again. My heart beating so fast, and my stomach doing backflips as her hand grazes mine.

            “It’s really beautiful here Taeyeon.”

I nod my head along with the sway of the wind, although she was right next to me I couldn’t help but feel so far away, lost in my own world. Tiffany’s world moved to fast and shone too bright for me to even take part of it, but still she had always made sure to never leave me behind. No matter how grey or dull I am. She never left my side. Tiffany was the type of girl to take all you had, the cityscapes and bright lights seemed to mirror her completely but even then. Nothing compared to how well she could make someone love her. The beauty of her you in mesmerizing you just like the cityscapes and bright lights we stare at now.

            “I don’t need any more or any less,” I face her and the warm wind hugs me gently. “I’m okay with just loving you, like this.”

I hear her sigh and feel as though maybe I can be tiring, or a burden. I don’t mean to be it’s just my love for Tiffany consumes me and sometimes I just don’t know what to do with myself. It hurts, to feel so hopelessly in love because not even a chance is given to me.

            “It’ll never falter you know,” my lips purse and though it’s not the first time I say something like this, I can’t help but feel nervous to the bone. “I’ll never stop loving you. No matter what. I’ll always be here for you.”

She pulls me like the moon pulls the ocean waves, and I find my heart strings desperate to tangle with her own.

            “Why do you have to be so good to me Taeyeon?” the fading sun caresses her skin, giving her a angelic glow and sometimes I wonder if she really is an angel sent from somewhere, she’s just too good to be true. Tiffany’s eyes run deep reminding me that she is in fact as human as me, as real as the air I breathe. I just can’t wrap my head around it, to me, for me, she’s just out of this world.

“I only treat you, like you deserve to be treated.” It’s cringe worthy but it’s the honest truth, if there ever was a day I didn’t treat her well, I’d never forgive myself. She deserves the world and so much more. And that makes me wonder, then what do I deserve? I never thought about it but it seems understandable. If Tiffany deserves the world then all I need is her love.

            “I think I could love you,” as the words slide off her tongue I feel my heart retract to the back of my chest cavity. My hands shiver and I feel my world stop for a second.

            “I really think I could love you, Taeyeon.”

            “Tiffany…” I feel the words stuck in my throat as I struggle to force them out.

            “I mean,” she cuts in, “If I feel happy when you’re around me, if I smile every time I think of you. If I always think of you, if I find it harder to breathe when you touch me and I can’t seem to picture myself with anybody else but you holding my hand. Is that love?” I felt like I was going to die, all of these emotions hitting me at once, burying me deep with everything I ever wanted.

            “I’m going to love you,” she palms the side of my cheek and she’s warm, it’s completely dark now-- the cityscape reflecting off her pretty brown eyes. “Not because you love me or because of anything else.”

            “I’m going to love you because I feel as though that’s only thing I should do, I feel stupid for never realizing it sooner but I’m going to love you Tae, and you’ll never have to ask me why.” I feel the familiar yet so alien feel of tears sting my eyes, I wanna shield myself from the truth and think that maybe it’s just pity love but her eyes tell me otherwise, her eyes tell me she loves me.

I built myself from all the love she never wanted.

I start over again, building myself from all the love she’s giving me. And I’m okay with that.