It wasn’t her fault. Nothing was, really, but Jihoon couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t stand to watch the happy and always-smiling girl get hurt by the words and actions of his fans. And he most definitely couldn’t watch her get hurt by his own words and actions; he had said things that shouldn’t have been said, they were never true…and yet he had said them. 

 

There was a part of him, deep down, that became elated every time his words would make her flinch, every time tears would spill from her beautiful eyes, every time her full bottom lip would tremble. These things made him happy because he knew, he just knew, that if he kept it up she would leave him; this would save him from breaking things with her. He couldn’t, in all honesty…he loved her far too much for that. And so, he would say these hurtful things to make her hate him, to make her leave.

 

Sitting on the edge of his bed, which was once theirs, he watches her gather her clothes and fold them neatly before placing them into a suitcase. His heart broke a little more with every article of clothing, but he steeled himself; she had to leave, it was for the best. Watching her tuck her hair behind her ears, tears streaming down her cheeks, Jihoon couldn’t help but to admit to himself that this was the scariest thing he had ever seen. 

 

This girl, this woman, that he had spent years with was now leaving him, and all he could do was sit. He could not move, he could not stand, he could not hug her and apologize; not this time. She had to leave, for her own sake, even if she doesn’t know it yet.

 

Her face raises and her eyes lock with his; full of sorrow, pain and a little bit of humility. The sight makes Jihoon lower his gaze, and a long silence stretches in the room, just before her soft voice sounds, hollow and pitiful, hardly above a whisper.

 

“Why?” Readying himself for what he is about to do, Jihoon looks her in the eye and shrugs nonchalantly.

 

“I don’t love you anymore, _______-ah. You’re not what I want anymore.” There it is again, the broken trembling of her bottom lip, and Jihoon grasps the sheets of his bed in his fists, afraid of breaking down himself.

 

“What did I do, Jihoonie?” A sob breaks through her lips as she kneels there, on the floor, looking helpless, “What did I do to make you hate me! I swear, I’ll change…”

 

“No, there’s nothing you can do, just please hurry up and leave.” A whimpering noise comes from her as she bites her lip.

 

“I promise you, I’ll be good from now on! I’ll lose weight, I’ll do anything!” Jihoon’s eyes widen a fraction at the idea. Be good? She had done everything right. Loose weight? She was already a petite girl. He shakes his head slowly, trying to stop her from saying any more preposterous ideas.

 

“None of that will do, just get out.” She looks down, her long ebony hair falling around her face as she cries, her hands slowly pushing the rest of her things into her suitcase. Zipping it up, she wipes her face and stands, struggling with the heavy object. Casting one more look towards Jihoon, she exits the room; Jihoon follows close behind her. The rest of his group are watching them with varying facial expressions as Jihoon opens the door to let her out.

 

Jihoon can feel himself being pulled down as she drops the suitcase; her lips crash onto his. It takes everything that Jihoon has to not respond, causing her to pull away with a strangled cry; she grabs the suitcase and leaves. Closing the door slowly, Jihoon rests his forehead against the cool wooden surface.

 

“Jihoon?” Turning to the sound of the voice, Jihoon sighs as he comes face to face with the rest of his group.

 

“A sasaeng attacked her a few weeks back, guys, I just…” He looks down and sniff before whispering, “I can’t stand for her to be hurt.”

 

“And so you break her heart?” His head snapping up, he spots his hyung Taeil staring at him with a frown on his face. Jihoon tries to keep it down, keep it caged inside, but he can feel his face begin to crumble. Tears prickle at the back of his eyes as he covers his face and slides down the door, sitting heavily on the ground. 

 

He tries to hold them in, he really does, but he cannot stop them; the warm tears flow down his cheeks as the wall around his heart is blown apart, his heart itself shattering into a million pieces. Jihoon knows he should be embarrassed to be so emotional in front of his hyungs, but he cannot spare any room in his broken heart to care. He can feel someone squat in front of him and he slowly lowers his hands to see a worried Jiho.

 

“Jihoon…” Jihoon can’t help but bark out a bitter and humorless laugh; everyone seems to enjoy saying his name today, it seems. He shakes his head and tries to gulp in some air before speaking in a wavering, cracked voice,

 

“I feel so empty inside…” Fresh tears spill down his cheeks as he grabs at his chest, trying to piece together his heart, ignoring whatever soothing words Jiho is speaking lowly to him right now. He knows that he had done this to himself, but what else could he do? She was being hurt so badly, he couldn’t lose her because of this…and so he let her go. Isn’t that how the saying goes, anyway?

 

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.”

 

The only problem is, Jihoon realizes as his tears finally dry up, and the numbness has taken over…

 

She won’t ever come back now…