de - vo - tion

\noun\

: the fact or state of being ardently dedicated and loyal

(source: Merriam-Webster)

 

In just three seconds, I was entranced.

 

And ten steps was all it took me to reach her.

 

Fate's so funny sometimes.. Even I didn't have any clue..

 

That she's the ONE.

 

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They say first impressions last. And I attest that they do, at least for me. The first time I looked into those deep brown eyes, I started looking forward to everyday. 

My friends would ask, "What's so special about her?" 

I'd never hesitate to say, "Don't look. She's for my eyes only".

She may be the plain jane type of girl but she's absolutely beyond just that. The way her eyes flutter when they're sleepy during lectures; the fluid movement of her fingers across her notebook; her cute soft sneeze, her manly burp, and her snort when she runs out of breath from laughing too much; how she handles a hammer better than a needle; her shy affection toward her beloved friends; the way she blushes everytime her crush passes by (though I hoped that was me); her smile and her laugh; the way she speaks and her calm voice; her respectful and polite manners; her angry face, boy face, even her messy windblown hair; etc., the list is just endless. Watching her is simply fascinating.

I guess I watched too much that I fell into obsession.

And I actually feared that it would be the end of the story. 

It took up all my courage to look her straight in the eyes and I always fall weak at the knees talking to her. My senses are in overdrive everytime she's in the perimeter. And due to her effortless effect, I always get helplessly ensnared, making me a clown in front of her. Like the time I messed up her computer project, and when I accidentally hit her shoulder because of my intention to get noticed. It backfired though. Also those times I had desperately called for reunions just to see her again. Her online posts had been sporadicand I was worried to the point I wanted to be by her side so I posted often to subtly encourage her. I guess it didn't work as well. But the mega fail plan of all was when I finally decided to ask her out on one of our batchmate's birthday. That felt like all or nothing. I needed all the courage I could muster that I ended up drinking more than I should despite my friends' protests. Well, I made a stupid move yet again when she told me I was definitely not her choice. It hurt a lot, but I deserved it.  However, she doesn't have any clue of it. 

You don't know how crazy I am for you. 

You don't know how worried I am seeing you get hurt.

You don't know how much I look forward to going to school everyday.

You don't know how you send the butterflies in my stomach flutter wildly.

You don't know how fast you make my heart beat and how you make my heart stop.

You don't know. 

Because you don't have any idea that it's you I'm in love with.

The poems and essays I wrote for our school paper were all about you. And you don't know about that too. 

It hurts me to think that I could only watch you secretly from a distance, because I'm afraid I might hurt you. You are so gentle, so pure, so innocent.. so fragile.. that I'm afraid to touch you. 

But seeing you drifting away had seemed like a hard punch in the gut, a wake up call, that I should be closing that distance and not pushing you away even further. It hurts even more to see other guys trying to get close to you. They make you smile while I only confuse you. If that happens, I won't be able to take it. Please forgive me if I want to be selfish.

Eight years is long, yes. That's how long I was hopelessly in love with this girl. It's also how long it took me to finally say, to eventually acquire the needed courage to confess how much I missed you.. how much you mean to me. 

And I'm eternally grateful and happy that you returned it.

Each hug, cuddle, hand-holding, and kiss are all special and memorable. You are my treasure. Today, and every single day of my life is devoted to you, my Mrs Billie Kim. 

You are my other half. You are the mirror that reflects me. And I, AJ Kim, forever vow to be the same to you. 

From that day I entered our classroom is the start of our story, the rest will be up to us to write, and eventually end. But our love will always be there, as our promise of forever. Always and until my last breath, I love you.

 

 

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