puz - zle

\verb\

: to be uncertain as to action or choice

: to attempt solution of a puzzle by guesswork or experiment

\noun\

: a question, problem, contrivance, designed for testing ingenuity

 

===============XoXo===============

 

 

March 2006

 

Prom Night is the much anticipated major event of every Junior and Senior each year. Since we're in a co-ed catholic school, dates aren't allowed. The administration is also really strict regarding the dress code, including the color. Black is not allowed, so for the majority of girls who were planning to wear LBDs are all disappointed. Even the height of heels should be limited to three inches max only, for safety purposes. Those who will be caught not following the rules will be sent home, or at least that's what they said.

Me and my girls decided to doll up at my place, since it's the nearest to the school and also, so that we could go together. After the final touches, we posed in front of the camera while my Mom took the shot. Honestly, she was the most excited about the whole thing that she had practically documented every single stuff, from choosing our dresses to be exact. For the record, she too had come with us all the way to our school and kissed our cheeks while saying, 'you girls all look so pretty!' for the nth time before letting us go.

I don't really know why I'm getting all jittery when I'm not even part of the cotillion (because the faculty handpicked only the prettiest and handsomest faces among the Juniors and Seniors). My heart's been hammering against my chest since last night that I wasn't able to get any proper sleep; and the coffee this morning had only worsened the shaking of my hands and the wobbliness of my knees.

The entrance to the school open grounds was decorated elegantly with fresh flowers, balloons, and the path was lined with a red carpet. It was a rather long and dreadful walk to the tables. Well, who wouldn't be uncomfortable walking down the red carpet when your faces are being aired via live AVP, displayed on a large panel infront near the stage? My face felt so stiff that I couldn't manage at least a small, pleasant-looking smile.

 

Nicole leaned into my ear. "Smile please. You look scary in the video." She whispered through her picture-ready smile. Nyx wore a bright yellow haltered-neck long gown, which made her stand out among the rest.

"But I'm scared." I whispered back, clutching on my purse tighter. 

She then faced me and pretended to fix my necklace. It was a thin silver lace with a tiny diamond teardrop pendant that rests on the notch of my collarbone. Nyx then squeezed my shoulders. "You don't have anything to be scared of. Girl, you rock that dress!" She complimented. In contrast to her bright colored gown, mine was a one-shoulder royal blue. Affirmation indeed helps in making one smile.

"Thank you, Nyx." I said. Looping our arms together, Nyx helped me ease some tension.

 

Each table had ten chairs, so we sat with some of our classmates. The program will start officially in about an hour, and so we had chatted most of the time while waiting. We mainly talked about how differently everyone looked on this night. Prom has brought a major transformation to all of us. In a good way, of course. Aside from that, we couldn't stop ourselves from noticing the hottest, sometimes the most contreversial, couples in both the Junior and Senior levels.

 

"Oh look!" Angel pointed to the large panel. Everybody else was looking at the live AVP too.

"Ah so, she's the one he had been secretly dating." Tiffany commented.

"I didn't think they're an item." Nicole added. "And no one really noticed AJ going out with her."

"Maybe AJ started asking her out during the cotillion practices." Tiffany said. She's also part of the cotillion.

Realization suddenly hit me - the PB girl. "So it's Park, Bom." I muttered while nodding my head slowly. "They look good together."

 

Judging from their reputation, AJ and Bom are probably the hottest item now. Both are pretty popular among the whole school basically because Bom's THE Queen Bee and AJ's THE Heartthrob. No one would ever disagree with these two being together. I guess I'm just surprised at the news, but deep down, why do I feel bitter and disappointed?

When the cotillion started, I couldn't tear my eyes away from those two. How can God be so unfair? Bom has everything a girl could wish for - beauty, grace, talent, wealth, etc. Perfection all the way! No doubt AJ likes her. Watching her makes me feel so small, intimidated, that I wanted the ground to just swallow me. And AJ.. Him, just being his cool and handsome self beside her is the proof of it. Perfect guy plus perfect girl equals perfect couple. 

I just don't understand myself at the moment. Maybe if she had any other boyfriend, it possibly would've felt okay. Hold on. In the first place, do I even have the right to feel not okay? I don't. Fine, I'm just surprised - meaning, surprisingly disappointed. Gah!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

As the night went on, the gown and all the makeup smudged on my face felt heavier. The dance floor was opened for everybody to enjoy the rest of the night, but I didn't have the energy. My girls and some of our classmates had pushed me to dance with them though, but I chose the comfort of my seat. I know I look like a loner sitting by myself at our table, however, I just didn't care.

 

Someone put his dinner plate on the table and sat next to me. I looked up and found Eli. "Not so fond of dancing, are you?" He asked, then brought the spoon to his mouth.

"My feet hurt." I said, which is partly true anyway. "Why are you eating your dinner only now?"

"The boys are too excited that I can't eat a proper meal." He ate another spoonful. "And you looked so lonely here, that's why I joined you." 

I snorted. "Wow, huh! I guess I owe you a thanks for being so considerate!" I remarked with sarcasm.

Facing me, his lips curled to a smirk. "You're welcome then."

I hit his back. "Aish, what to do with you, Eli?" He chuckled then continued to eat.

A few minutes later, another person had joined our company. "Hi guys." AJ waved at us as he approached our table. "May I sit with you?" He asked.

He was looking at me and so I nodded. Well, I don't have any choice, do I? AJ sighed heavily as soon as he settled down. I was between them. "What's up dude? Why do you look like you're carrying the world on your shoulders?" Eli noticed it too.

AJ sighed once more. "It's nothing." He said. A sad smile was drawn on his face.

"PMS is only for girls. Are you having cramps or something?" Eli teased.

Both AJ and I couldn't help but laugh. "You're crazy." AJ told him as he shook his head.

"I think I know." Eli put his utensils down then leaned his elbow on the table to fully face AJ. "Dude, you know I get really concerned whenever you're like this." Eli said it in a sort of melodramatic way, making the atmosphere slightly more awkward and funny instead of serious. AJ gaped at his friend, falling in a speechless state.

I coughed. "I guess I'm disturbing your bromance, so please excuse me. I don't wanna be a third wheel." I pushed my chair back to give them some 'space'.

The two guys laughed. "Billie, please forgive Eli's weirdness. He forgets to take his medications most of the time." AJ joked.

Eli waved his hand. "Oh, she's already used to my craziness."

"That it has already become normal to me." I immediately added, sending us to a laughing fit. 

I felt AJ's eyes on me. And when I checked, indeed he was staring. "By the way, Billie." He started, not taking his gaze away. "You should be enjoying the night dancing with everybody else." He told me. I wasn't able to fully grasp what he wanted to imply though. 

I blinked at him. "Look who's talking." I mumbled.

He chuckled. "I mean, don't get me wrong but you shouldn't be wasting your look tonight." His explanation only complicated it further, and thus, earning himself a raised eyebrow from me. "What I really meant was that, you look so be-.. gor-.." He took a deep breath as he struggled to get the words out. "You look wonderful tonight, Billie." He finally said, but then he added, "just like everybody else."

I stared back at him with my mouth slightly ajar, not really knowing how to respond to his statement. It was meant as a compliment, but then it didn't feel like such the moment he finished his sentence since it turned out to be so awkward.. I smiled at him, slightly amused.

He appeared to be torn at his own words as well, as shown by the frown marks on his forehead. "Care for a dance?" He asked a bit awkwardly, offering his hand.

"What a brilliant prelude to asking a girl for a dance." Eli commented on the side as he ate.

I was taken aback by the sudden request. "Won't your girlfriend get mad?" I blurted out.

"Girlfriend?" Both AJ and Eli said at the same time.

I nodded. "Yea. Is-isn't Bom Park your.. your girlfriend?" I awkwardly dragged the words out.

AJ chuckled and Eli snorted. "She's not my girlfriend." AJ said.

"Eh? But everybody's talking about you two." I told him.

"Bom is the daughter of AJ's godmother, who is the PTA president. She asked him to be her daughter's partner in the cotillion, which our friend here couldn't decline of course." Eli explained.

I was bobbing my head up and down as I absorb the information. "Like I have a choice." AJ shrugged. "So, are we dancing or not?" He put his palm up once more before me.

From upbeat music, the DJ suddenly changed it to sweet music. Hah! Thanks for making the atmosphere sooo awkward for us! "Er..." I hesitated. Just because!

"Oh come on!" Without waiting for my response, AJ pulled me by the hand onto the dance floor. 

It's a good thing the lights were dimmed here, or else, he would see me blushing crimson red all over my neck to my face. He most probably sensed my awkwardness that it was him who rested both my hands on the top of his shoulders. 

"Your hands should be here and.."

 

The moment he placed his hands on my waist, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. He started to sway slowly with the music, leading my body with him. My awkwardly resting ice cold palms on his shoulders started to sweat. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves, unfortunately, it wasn't helpful. I couldn't even look at his face so I just averted my eyes to anything behind his ear. But then something was distracting me from the corner of my eyes; even in the dim light, his  dimples were so prominent that I could still see them. I lowered my head and bit my lip, while hoping that the music was loud enough to cover my heavily pounding heart.

 

"Billie." AJ called so I looked up at him.

I swallowed. "Hm?" He was silent, just staring at me. His eyes looked like they were sparkling due to the effect of the lights. Please. Don't look at me like that. It makes me feel uncomfortable, but in a good way. I was already begging in my head.

"The blue color really suits you." He said softly, that it sounded almost a whisper. I was both surprised and confused at the same time when he suddenly removed his coat and draped it over my shoulders. "I just don't want you to catch a cold." He said.

"Er.. T-thank you." I told him. 

We didn't even realize that the song was already over if Eli had not come over. "Can I have the next dance?" He smiled at me.

It seemed as though AJ didn't want to let go just yet. His hands were still on my waist. When Eli took my hand and pulled me to him, AJ's mouth fell open, like he wanted to say something but he couldn't say it. Clutching tighter onto the coat, I looked back at the speechless AJ while Eli was leading me to another side of the dance floor. I also felt sorry for leaving him. 

  

From this day on, blue has officially become my favorite color. Although it already is, but still! At the end of the program, the Prom King and Queen were announced. The results were obvious though - the perfect couple's perfection reigned among the rest. But after knowing the truth, Bom winning the crown didn't bother me as much anymore.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

At some point, circumstances have triggered something in me. Everyone seemed to be in a dating mood, even those who were my fellow 'lonely hearts club' members. I guess it was the kind of love I was not ready for, not just yet. I was young and naïve about it. Throughout high school, I only had one ultimate crush, and it's none other than Kevin.

Everytime we get to spot him, I get a few teases from AJ. It was annoying, honestly. As much as I wanted to keep a low profile, he would make me feel embarrassed by blurting out my name aloud whenever Kevin would pass by near us. If his intention was to help me get some attention from Kevin, well it's doing the opposite. He evemtually got to my nerves that I started to ignore him.

Until I noticed that ever since that day, AJ seemed more distant than what we already were. If I were to observe and look back, it was only me that he didn’t interact much with out of all the girls in class. It had become more evident every time my girls and I were together. He would joke around with them but me. I find that a bit insulting. I even asked my friends once if I was giving off a scary aura. They said I wasn’t and so I continued to wonder.

I can never forget that day when our math teacher was absent so we had a free time. However, we were left with an exercise to do so we won’t make any fuss and disturb the other classes. While working, Angel and I were talking about relationships.

 

“What if Kevin approached you one day?” Angel started the topic.

Her idea made me laugh. "That will never happen. You see that kid was never single, even once!” I answered in as-a-matter-of-factly tone.

“You never know. You might be the next girlfriend.” She teased. I could only snort at her words. Her hopes are much higher than mine.

“This is embarrassing. I don’t even want to daydream about that. Let’s just move on to another topic please. Why don’t we talk about your lovelife instead? Because mine's technifally zero to negative." I tried to swerve the topic from me.

“But this is the first time for us to see you in love.” She insisted.

“I’m. Not. In. Love. Period. Kevin is just someone I have a crush on. Love and admiration are entirely different things.” I seriously wished that she would already stop from talking.

“So.. what kind of guy would you fall in love with?” Angel seemed to be so into this thing. I guess it's because of the current mood.

I sighed. “I guess I’d fall in love with a guy who would sing Jesse McCartney’s ‘Beautiful Soul’ to me.” I replied sincerely. “As the lyrics say, ‘I want you and your beautiful soul’. I want a guy who would love me for what I am, setting the physical aspects aside.” I explained to her.

 

Angel opened to speak, but then we thought we were actually hearing 'Beautiful Soul’ from behind our seats. Everyone was having their own conversations but the song was loud enough for the both of us to hear. Straining our ears, we both knew that the voice was familiar. As we turned to look, we found AJ. We thought there was nobody sitting on the row behind us as everyone had already dispersed to each circle. But he was there, 100% flesh and bones, sitting cross-legged on the floor comfortably with his back at us while he used his chair as table. Other than that, he was singing to himself as if he was listening to an mp3. 

 

What’s he doing there? And of all the songs he could sing, why that song? My thoughts went. He noticed we were looking. With a confused expression, he asked us, “Yes? Is there anything wrong?” He said it casually as if he didn’t have any idea at all.

 

I opened my mouth to speak but changed my mind in the end. He probably overheard our conversation and the song just popped in his head. I mean, that happens to me occasionallly as well. Whenever I'd hear a song title, I'd automatically hum or sing it in my head. The same probably goes for him. I wordlessly shook my head at AJ. As we returned to our work, my best friend and I fell silent. Despite the noise, my pounding heart was all I could hear.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

December 2007

 

Every Senior class are required to have a retreat before graduation. It is a three-day stay at a spiritual camp packed with activities to strengthen our faith and recognize our inner selves. Among all the activities, one was particularly interesting. It's called 'love chain' wherein we are to form an inner and outer circles. Both circles will move simutaneously in opposite directions, one person at a time. As the circles move, each student will be given a chance to talk to the person infront of him/her in one miinute. We can practically say anything, first impressions and whatnot.

It was a fun activity, especially when you hear your classmates tell you personally the things they like about you. But what does the word 'like' actually means? Hearing the word from different persons somehow makes it sound differently too.

 

"First impression, uhm.. You're chic and sophisticated by looks alone." Eli started. "And your quietness is also intimidating." He added.

"Woah~ really? I've never imagined people would see me that way." I responded.

He chuckled. "Yea. But after knowing you, you're actually a very talkative person, especially when you're being teased." He said, making me sputter out a laugh. "What I like about you.. Hmm.. Well, you're really kind, caring and also considerate. Above all, you laugh at my jokes." We both laughed at that. "Overall, I like you Billie."

"I guess that's how shallow I am." I told him. "Okay, my turn. My first impression on Eli is.. Er, well, I was scared of you before. You were also a quiet person, and you looked like the type who wouldn't approach people first."

"I guess we scared each other off." He commented.

I laughed. "I guess so too! Eventually, all those first impressions I had on you were washed away ever since we became seatmates. You became the total opposite." 

Eli covered his face in his hands. "Ugh.. shame on me."

I shook him by the arms. "But thanks for being your dorky self~ Best seatmate ever." I gave him a two thumbs up while wriggling my brows. Eli grinned happily, satisfied with my remarks. He then put his hand up and we did a high five. 

 

The last person turned out to be AJ. Compared to the easygoing conversation with Eli, the mood we had was rather serious. What can I say? This guy is very unpredictable. Sometimes he's being playful and caring, other times he's suddenly acting cold and distant. Is it just me, or it's him who has been having difficulty picking up the pace? Perhaps, the 'love chain' could help us get on the same boat this time.

 

"Hello, Billie." He smiled awkwardly. 

I nodded my head a bit. "Er, hi AJ." Both of us fell silent after the greetings. 

"Uhm, you may want to go first?" He offered.

Not wanting to waste any more time, I took the chance. I took in a deep breath. "Okay. My first impression on you was that you're the 'cool guy' type. And indeed you are, no doubt about it. Generally, you're a good person. A kind and caring young man, and very smart too. I just.. Er, how should I put it?" I tapped my chin as I tried to find the appropriate words.

AJ was still silently listening, and I'm glad for it. "It-it just felt like I'm walking on eggshells when I'm with you. Not in a bad way, I mean - I just don't know how I should act around you.." I sighed. My head hung low after blurting out the 'issue' I had been keeping within me.

 

I braced myself for AJ's reaction. The least I didn't expect was when he put his hand on my shoulder. Our one minute was nearly over. And it was only me who had spoken yet. I wanted to hear his side too, however, his unwavering silence hasn't made much progress. 

 

With barely ten seconds left, he finally spoke up. "Thanks for telling me." I looked up at him and saw that he's smiling. "I like you, Billie. That's the only thing I wanted to tell you." 

"Time's up guys! Good job everyone. Please get back to your seats." The facilitator announced.

 

Without another word, or gesture at least, AJ headed back to his place at the opposite end of the row. On the other hand, I was left speechless and all the more puzzled at what I just heard. He only said he likes me..

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

March 2008

 

I had proved that AJ was indeed a nice guy. Once during our computer class, my file got corrupted on the last working day. It was an activity wherein we had to type codes of pixels on the computer in order to make graphics. I started to redo it but then bad luck was with me all the time, as my computer frequently went on a ‘hang’. We only had enough computers for each student so there was no chance for me to exchange places with anybody. Everyone was also working so I couldn’t really ask them for help. A few didn’t want to let go of their computers because they said they were doing ‘final touches’. Just half an hour left and all I had was 0% work done. I asked my friends for help but they were not finished with theirs as well. I wanted to ask our teacher to give me an extension, but she was absent. The substitute teacher only gave us permission to continue with our work, instead of not doing anything in the classroom. All hopes had left me and I was on the verge of tears. I sighed as I stared on the monitor, praying for a miracle to happen.

 

“Hey, need help?” I turned my head and was surprised to find AJ. I couldn’t speak and also wanting to cry, but managed to hold it in.

“Come on, give me that.” He snatched the sheet from my grasp and walked back to his computer. So I followed him to his seat, took a free stool and sat next to him.

“I’ll type it for you. I’m finished anyway.” He said. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything because I felt shy and embarrassed. He looked at my draft and commented, “This is cute.” He tried to cheer me up. I could only manage a slight smile. “We’ll get this done in no time.” He said reassuringly, and then started to type the codes on the keyboard. I admit he was fast. And he was able to raise my hopes up again.

“What happened to your computer?” He started a conversation while typing.

“I don’t exactly know, but it’s not working.” I replied sulkily.

“Have you tried restarting?” He went on as he typed continuously.

“Yes I did, multiple times already. But whenever I start the program, it hangs.” I told him.

“I see.” He nodded. “Can you dictate the codes for me?” He asked kindly. “So we could finish faster.” He handed the sheet to me and so I started to dictate.

 

I made a couple mistakes of dictating the wrong line of codes, but AJ was neither pressuring nor demanding for me to dictate faster. There was not a single sign of annoyance on his expression whenever I asked him to delete a whole line and redo it. Instead, he was kind and patient with me the whole time. He even told me to relax, until we finished the last line.

 

“That’s it.” He said as he pressed ‘enter’. “Let’s see how it looks like.” We waited for the computer to process. And when the graphics had finally appeared, we were both shocked at the result.

“EH? How did it turn out like this?” He said. It looked like scattered pixels instead of a nice picture. “Let me see that again.” He grabbed for the sheet and looked at the result for the second time.

He glanced at his watch. “We still have time. We’ll fix it.” He said.

“It’s alright, you have helped me enough already.” I told him. His friends were bugging him to go with them. Moreover, I was feeling guilty that he already did everything.

“Go on. You guys can go before me.” He sent his friends away, not even looking up at them. He went back to the program and started to fix my graphic. I was touched by his persistence.

“You should go with them. I’ll fix that myself. Thanks for your help.” I insisted, but he just ignored me and focused on the screen instead. He was working on it like it was his own.

“See! I told you I’ll fix it.” He bragged like a child. I looked at the screen and saw the exact same draft on my sheet.

I smiled. “Thank you. Thanks a lot.” Were the only words I could say.

“I already saved it on the class’s folder too, alright.” He smiled then stood up. He patted my shoulder before finally leaving. As he walked toward the door and left, my heart went thumping wildly inside my chest. The bell rang.

“Hey let’s go.” Angel called me. I stood up and followed.

"How’s your work?” Tiff asked.

“Well, someone saved me.” I replied vaguely.

“Were you able to finish?” Nyx inferred.

“Uhm, yeah.” I nodded. “Thanks to that person.” I said to end the topic.

 

I never told them exactly because I didn’t want to put any false ideas in their heads and spark any controversy. I had never told anybody, family or friends, even after graduation and until this day – that I had grown to like that person.