If we can’t give you what you want, you better work for it Yoong.

*

It is getting cold and people started heading home. Our night together is slowly coming to an end. I stared straight ahead to the river, afraid to take a glance on my side and see your face. I’m afraid I might break in the intensity of your stare.

You were never afraid to stare. That is one of my most favourite things that you do to me. That intense gaze that makes me burn, hoping and praying to God I won’t combust into flames with how hot you make me. It makes me feel important, like I’m the only one.

It’s not that I don’t stare. In fact, I get caught as much as you do, but I never had the courage to do it as openly as you do. It’s like you have no care to what other people think. I on the other hand, falter with every flash and every click of the camera or even to acknowledge the scrutinizing eyes of the people around.

I sighed as I looked down to our intertwined hands. How long have I missed the touch of your hand in mine? All these times of avoiding each other is eating my soul. But I have made the choice, and I’m breaking both of our hearts in the process.

I’m a coward.

I can feel you shiver, and it brought me back to my senses away from my deep thoughts.

“Let’s go?” I asked as I started to stand up.

*

It’s ending. Our night is ending.

The familiar feeling of the tightness in my chest is coming back; watching her slowly stand up, her back facing me now, I tugged on her hand that was still holding mine: stay.

Let’s not go back to the way we were before. Let’s not walk back to the nightmare we have created ourselves. Let’s not let our hearts shatter to pieces again.

Stay.

Stay here with me a little bit longer.

Stay with me and hold my hand tighter.

Stay with me.

Please.

I can feel the tears choking me, but I stop my self from crying. Enough with this Kwon Yuri. Stop begging in silence.

Ask.

Ask her to stay.

So, I did.

*

“Please.”

It was a whisper, but I heard it perfectly.

I slowly sat back down and closed my eyes. It was getting colder. Even with our jackets and disguise I can feel the cold wind blowing softly.

I closed my eyes and let myself do the one thing I always did; I placed my head on her shoulder.

I inhaled her scent and drifted to more memories, happy memories of us.

I couldn’t be any happier when I felt her head on mine.

Just like that, the cold never bothered me anymore.

*

We stayed like that for a few minutes until I felt her move. I opened my eyes slowly and shifted my gaze towards her. She must be tired form all of this, especially when she was sick in the first place.

Then she moved so gingerly towards me, hugging me in place. My heart skipped a beat when I felt her nose touching my neck. I don’t know why Yoona affects me this much but my whole body is blushing right now.

She always said how much she loved my scent before, but I can feel her moving her head closer to my neck like she was memorizing and it’s driving me crazy.

*

I am addicted to you.

I want you so much Kwon Yuri.

I closed my eyes as I continued my act. My hug getting tighter, as if our proximity isn’t enough. I hugged her like never, making up for all those times I didn’t.

Her scent is intoxicating.

And like a bewitched person, I couldn’t stop myself from inching even closer until I felt my lips on her pulse.

I should’ve stopped there. But as if I were controlled by someone else, my lips are planted there on that spot, applying more pressure repeatedly. Until I couldn’t stop myself and I parted my lips slightly and took a cautious on that reddened area.

She tastes even better.

My mind is now blank. Her scent and her taste swirling in my head, making me devoid of my rationality.

I was slightly drawn back to reality when I felt her stiffen and her hands are on both my shoulders, her fingers clenching with my every attack. Her touch was firm and strong, but it was unmoving. She didn’t try to push me away, so I persevered. my prize slowly, savouring every moment.

We are both breathing heavily at this point, but I wanted so much more.

I opened my mouth and on that area. Yuri’s hands moved away from my shoulders. And I almost let out a sigh of relief when I felt her hugging me even closer.

*

Yoona? What is this feeling you’re giving me?

I should tell her to stop but my body just angled my neck more so she can move in deeper. I hugged her harder, my eyes closing on their own. I couldn’t even out my breathing. I felt as if I was running a marathon and I’m nowhere near the finish line.

Is this what you want Yoong?

*

I slumped into Yuri’s neck when I heard her phone ring. It woke me up from my trance. I sighed but I didn’t move away from our hug.

Yuri moved one of her hand to answer the call.

It only lasted a few seconds but that was enough to wake us both from this unfamiliar sensation we are feeling.

“Tae-unnie is looking for us.” She spoke. I can feel the vibration of her voice in her neck.

“Let’s go then.” I stood up. The realization of what just occurred weigh heavy on my shoulders.

“We don’t have to. We can stay here, and we can talk.” Her voice was as quiet as a mouse. A hint of uncertainty lacing her words.

“What are we going to talk about?” In all honesty, my cowardice is winning me over and all I want to do right now is run away and never see her again. Why did I give in?

“I want to talk about us and about what just happened Yoong. This is not something that you can just brush under the carpet.” She stood up next to me and turned my body to face her.

“I don’t hate you Yuri. All those times that I tried to stay away; it wasn’t because I hate you. But it was because I can feel myself getting pulled into your presence. I was liking you more and more and I’m afraid that I can no longer control myself. I like you Yuri. I like you more than a friend would. But I’m scared of losing you if you don’t feel the same way.”

And just like that, I felt the dam break. All the pent-up emotions came rushing through. The words just gushed out of my mouth. I don’t know when to stop. I just came out clean. Hoping she understood all that was pouring out of me. This is it. Now or never.

*

Hearing all of that from Yoona. I feel like my chest is going to burst. My heart is beating so fast and I can feel myself getting dizzy with the flood of all the emotions that is swirling all over my head.

I never thought of that.

I never thought that she had felt that way towards me and I never really classified my feelings towards her. I know that Yoona is one of the most special people in my life. I know that all throughout those years, her presence has been a major factor in how I lived. Most of my days are spent with her.

Yes, I had people confess to me before. I had crushes. I admired people.

But never in my life have I thought that Yoona, my best friend, my confidante saw me that way.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to feel. I feel as though my voice has left me and I can no longer speak. I stare to her eyes as her tears started to fall.

I don’t want to be the reason for your tears Yoong.

So, I reached out my hand to wipe the tears away. I cradled her face with my palms and wiped her tears with my thumbs.

My throat has dried up, not a single sound came out.

I want to tell her that it’s okay, but I don’t know how to say it. So, I hugged her instead.

I hugged her tightly as I stared ahead, tears filling my eyes as well.

It broke my heart that I didn’t know what to say.

It broke my heart that I didn’t know what I feel.

It broke my heart knowing that with each passing second of silence, Yoona’s heart is breaking more and more.

It broke my heart that I am causing her so much pain, and I don’t know how to stop it.

I’m sorry Yoona.

“I’m sorry Yoona. I don’t know what to say.”

I finally found my voice.

In the end it was me who broke two hearts that night.

*

It was liberating.

It was soul-crushing.

It wasn’t heart-breaking. It was more than that. I feel like my heart was pulverized into billions of microscopic pieces smaller than dust. It left a hole in my chest where my heart used to be.

And hell, I must be a damn good actress how I carried myself these past few days.

Like they say, life goes on.

The world won’t stop for Im Yoona and her broken heart.

I’ve never been happier with the busy schedule as I have now. The mere sight of Yuri brings me back to that place again. That place of vulnerability and pain, that I can’t escape even in my dreams.

No. It’s not Yuri’s fault. I respect her too much for that.

I know I must deal with this sooner or later. But the finality of her not feeling the same way as I do, probably made the situation better and easier.

We haven’t spoken of it since that night.

I miss you so much.

*

I’m staring at Yoona’s bed for the longest time again.

I have been meaning to talk to her. But I am afraid that I will lose my voice yet again.

I keep thinking about what she said and how she feels.

But I am confused.

I still don’t know what to say.

I must be stupid to not be able to answer straight. It’s either I like her or not.

What’s stopping me to make a decision?

Let me think about this.

Let me think about us.

Please wait for me Yoong.

I miss you.

*