Her booming laughter woke me up from my trance and made me move my head to look away from the window. She sounded so happy and I should be happy for her. But I find my heart getting heavy knowing she’s not laughing nor smiling with me anymore. It hurts me a lot knowing she’s doing all the things she used to do with me with someone else.

I took a glance at my phone, looking at our smiling faces. It was so long ago. All of those are like memories of a distant life; a life where my world was you and I was yours.

We were ‘twins’. But maybe then even twins have to part ways.

“Unnie! We’re already here! Let’s go!”

I smiled. Maybe I’m wrong.

“Fine. I’m coming!” Sica answered.

Or not.

I sighed. I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know why it’s not yul to the yoon anymore. I moved from my seat and went outside, smiling at the cameras as they fired away. Nobody should see Kwon Yuri sad.

I walked slightly behind the others as we made our way out of the airport. One pap was pushed into me and he almost hit me with his massive camera. I was frozen in shock but a hand grabbed mine in time, swerving me to safety. I looked at the hand and to its owner who gave a disapproving look to the man who was apologizing a lot. I gave him an okay sign and walked away hand in hand with my saviour.

“Thanks Tiff.” I said and gave her hand a little squeeze.

“No biggie.” She answered with those lovely eye-smiles. The others were looking back when the commotion stirred and I can sense worry in their gaze.

“What happened?” Sooyoung approached us.

“A pap almost crushed her.” Tiff said jokingly as she let go of my hand to point at me. I pouted.

“She’s just exaggerating. I’m okay.” I chuckled.

“If it wasn’t for me!” Tiff chimed in as the others circled around us and laughed along with her antics boasting her heroism.

“Yeah, yeah, my hero!” I said and gave her a warm hug, sounding like a real damsel.

All of us exchanged a few laughs but I noticed your wounded gaze.

What’s wrong Yoong?

*

I tore away my stare as I noticed Yuri looking at me, meeting my eyes. She shouldn’t see my eyes; she can perfectly read me inside out if she does.

“Let’s go guys, our rides are here.” I said and walked away first.

“Slow down.” Sica-unnie whispered as she slid her arm to link with mine. “You’re being obvious.”

“Obvious?” I said as I let my eyes level with hers.

“You were jealous.” She smirked. That just made my brow rise.

“What?” It’s just plain ridiculous.

“Yulti.” She pressed on.

I shrugged and looked forward, donning on my glasses.

“I was just worried.”

That should be me.

I’m supposed to be your hero.

*

Eight girls were sprawled on the floor of their living room in a circle discussing in hushed voices.

“Let’s just decide already. What are we going to do for her birthday?” Sunny yawned. They were up in the middle of the night to discuss their birthday surprise for Yoona. It was the only time they can talk without her because the girl just had to have a shooting in the middle of the night.

“Party?” Hyo said leaning her forehead on Sooyoung’s shoulder.

“We do that every year.” Tae shook her head.

“She’s right. Let’s do something else, something new and interesting.” Tiffany seconded.

“Well, any new ideas?” Sica asked, she looked like she was ready to sleep on the floor.

“Let’s go on a trip!” Yuri squealed. Everybody looked at her weirdly.

“We don’t have time for that unnie.” Seo said, finally setting aside her book.

They went silent as everyone just started thinking of something, or at least everyone except Jessica who was sleeping as she snuggled to the pillow beneath her.

“We can just get her something she always wanted.” Sooyoung finally said, obviously tired from thinking of something.

“Well, anyone here knows what she wants?” Tae asked.

“What does she want Yul?” Hyo asked.

Yuri was still thinking deeply that she didn’t notice.

“Let’s ask this sleepyhead, she’s been hanging out a lot with Yoona lately.” Tiff said as she tried to wake Jessica.

“What?” The girl grumbled.

“You’re the closest one to Yoong lately, what does she want for her birthday?” Sunny asked.

Somehow the phrase irked Yuri. The closest one to Yoong, and it’s not Yul anymore. She just sighed.

The girl just shrugged and dipped her head back to the pillow.

“Oh come on Jessica! Stop sleeping! She’ll be home any minute now!” Tae urged as she sat on the girl’s back to wake her up again. The sleeping beauty finally turned to face all her members.

“Fine I’ll wake up. But even if I tell you, we won’t be able to give it to her. It’s out of our hands.”

Wow. She definitely knows Yoong the best now.

*

I came home at dawn from the shoot and I should probably get to sleep instead of standing here in the middle of our room looking at my roommate’s sleeping face.

I sighed as I took off my heels and proceeded to take a bath.

She doesn’t like it when I go to sleep without cleaning up.

I felt the water run throughout my body, cleansing me, and I hope my soul as well.

When I finished everything, I walked towards her bed and kneeled in front of her.

I miss you.

I smiled as you moved a bit when I traced your nose with my finger.

I wonder why everything has to change.

*

I stretched up as I woke up.

It’s a very good thing we don’t have any schedules for today. It makes my energy rise!

I found my roommate sleeping on her bed and I smiled as I stared at her for a bit. This is the only alone time with her, I should savour the moment.

I went out and greeted everyone I met. Well only a few because I have a feeling the others were still asleep.

“Good morning unnie!” Seo greeted; our ever polite maknae.

I smiled and went to hug her lightly.

“Good morning baby!” I said and pinched her cheek.

“No pda in the morning girls.” We giggled with the sound of Taeyeon’s voice.

“Whatever Tae.” I said as I readied my ma juice.

“I really wonder what happened to ‘unnie’.” I chuckled at her remark.

“Fine, Taeyeon-unnie.” I said with aegyo.

“Where’s the food?” Sooyoung and her morning greeting’s the best. It’s always about food.

“Well good morning to you too Sooyoung.” Hyo said as she turned away from the stove.

The girl just smiled cheekily and sat on a stool.

I love mornings like these; just me and the girls and of course, my ma.

We stopped talking when two sleepy girls entered, hand in hand.

The aegyo queen was grumbling incoherently while Tiffany clung to her tightly.

“I wonder how these two ended up waking together.” Sooyoung remarked.

“I slept with my ‘baby’ last night.” Sunny replied as they both sat on the chairs.

Tiffany gave a very approving smile to everyone and hugged Sunny’s arm again.

Sunny mouthed. ‘She’s freakin’ jealous again!’

We just all silently laughed at the two funny ‘couple’.

It was understandable that Yoona was still asleep. And it was a law of nature that Jessica will be asleep when everyone was already up. So it was perfectly normal.

What I didn’t expect later that morning is to see the two of them, fully clothed walking towards the door.

“Where are you going guys?” Soo inquired when the two put on their shoes.

“We’re going to get some breakfast.” Yoona answered as she helped Sica put on her coat.

“I can cook for you. Wait I’ll just—“

“Don’t bother Hyo. Thanks for the offer but we’re already dressed. We might as well go out.” Sica said, smiling at Hyo who was about to stand from the couch she’s laying on.

“Okay. Bring us some food then.” Sooyoung said as she resumed her game. I just looked down and continued reading my magazine.

“Do you want something unnie?” I felt Yoona beside me so I looked up to her standing frame.

I just shook my head and smiled a bit before looking down again.

I heard her sigh and walk away. I didn’t look up until I heard the door close.

I’m tired of wondering why we drifted apart Yoong. But maybe everything has a reason. You’re happy with her. I should be happy too. It wouldn’t be fair right?

*

“She caught on to your game Yoona. Let’s see if you can still keep this up.” Sica-unnie said as we sat down in the corner part of a local coffee shop.

“Aren’t you happy I’m with you?” I just shook my head as I read the menu.

“I am. I have to admit that. But you’re being an idiot.” She said, looking at me with disappointed eyes.

“You wanted to spend time with me unnie. And here we are. Why are you talking like there is something else?” I’m obviously tired with her ‘games’.

“You just grabbed the opportunity I gave you. I know you’re into this because of something else.”

“If you’re only not deluded that I am Krystal then maybe I should’ve said no. Yul didn’t say no before when you asked her to be with you every time. We understand unnie. You miss her so much and you see her in us.” I said and sighed. Finally putting down the menu and looked for the waiter.

“I know. But I also know that there is something else.” I just kept mum until the waiter came and took our orders.

*

After that wonderful free day that we spent lazing around, we are now back at work. The schedules seem so endless.

It’s already nine in the evening and I just finished a photoshoot. I leaned back to the chair as I watched the scene outside the comforts of the car.

We a corner and the driver groaned as the car just slowed down.

“I’m so sorry Yuri but we have a flat tire. I’ll just call for someone to pick you up, okay? I’m so sorry.”

I just smiled and said it was okay.

I looked at the sidewalk and noticed a faint yellow glow of a small shop, away from the flashy, bright lights of the shopping district a few meters away.

“Just fix it ahjussi. I’ll just look around for a bit okay?” I gave him a smile and went out fast so that he can’t say no. I chuckled at the act.

I walked towards the shop, with my entire disguise as a commoner.

I smiled as I entered the shop; the sound of the tingling chimes greeted me. It was so homey inside I can just spend the day here.

“Hi! May I help you?” The cheerful clerk bowed as I entered.

“Is it okay if I look around first?” I said, hiding my real voice and not taking off my glasses.

“Of course. Feel free to browse our items. You can just call if you need help.” She said and bowed before walking away. There was only me in the shop and the wooden shelves with the beautiful works of art were carefully placed together harmoniously.

It was like an antique shop and there were lots of items carved from wood. I looked around smiling as I picked up wonderful pieces and examined them one by one.

I walked farther in, and noticed a single wooden box on a display table. It looked old and regal, but elegant as well. It was carved with roses and stars and at the lock, there were two girls gazing at each other as they held their hands. I can’t take my eyes off the box.

I was about to reach for it when the clerk walked in.

“Miss, I’m sorry to interrupt but it’s almost closing time.” She said apologetically.

“It’s okay. Uhm, can I see this box? Just for a bit?” I smiled and she gave in.

“This is Gemini’s Heart. You know the twins?”

I nodded as I watched her pick up the item. She opened it and I gasped as there were two figures seemingly walking hand in hand as they pointed to the sky. The cover on the inside was filled with mirrors and glass of different colours, shining like stars. It was so beautiful.

“These are the twins and they’re off walking and stargazing.”

“Can I buy this?” I said.

“I’m sorry but you can’t. This is supposed to be a music box but as you can see, there’s no music and it’s busted. The owner just placed this here for display.” She said as she placed it back.

“It’s okay. Even if it doesn’t work, I’ll buy it.” I urged.

“I’ll have to talk to the owner first. Can you come back tomorrow?” She said and that was enough. There was hope.

“Thanks! I’ll be back tomorrow. I promise.” I said and walked away, reuniting with my driver who was waiting for me.

*

“Where have you been unnie?”

Unnie. I don’t like the sound of that, neither the tone of her voice when she asked.

Using honorifics inside the confines of our room meant she was serious. And I am seriously tired of going along with all of her antics.

“I went around for a bit.” I said as I plopped down on our couch and started browsing through my phone.

“Do you know what time it is? You’re supposed to be home by ten, the latest!” She was upset, I can hear it, and I can feel it with everything she did, she was breathing it, for Christ’s sake.

I glanced at our customized mickey and kumma wall clock. It was half past midnight. I stayed that long?

“The car had a flat so—“ I let my voice trail off as I stood to go to the washroom.

“I went there to fetch you. The driver said you went off by yourself. Do you know how dangerous it was?” She just won’t back down. I don’t like the way things are building up, sooner or later we will be engaging in a fight that both of us will refuse to lose.

“I know. I’m sorry, okay? I won’t wander off again.” I said monotonously. She was lecturing me all of a sudden when all I ever felt from her these past few months was nothing. I was invisible to her and now she cares?

She looked so hurt and disappointed I somehow regretted what I said. I still care for her. But sometimes she’s too hard to understand.

I looked down and heard her go out our room.

Just what is going on, Yoong?

*

I almost threw away the phone I was holding when I finally reached the veranda. I sat, cross-legged on the floor as I gazed up the sky. I was so frustrated. Why would she risk herself like that?

I really hate it when she mirrors me. I distance myself from her and she does the same. It’s okay for a while until one of us gets tired and ends up frustrated in this game we’re in. And in this case, that would be me. I was stupid to make her feel unwanted. But I need to act that way.

I glanced at my phone with the new message. People have been texting me a lot with the same message.

Did you find her already?

I was texting everyone for her whereabouts when I can’t contact her through her phone.

I must’ve been a fool to care a lot for someone who seemingly enjoyed her time.

I miss her.

She should’ve told me. I should’ve been there with her. We sneak out together. But now, I’m like this worried mother waiting for her runaway child to come home.

Come on Yul, seriously?

*

After our little heated exchange that night, everything just went from bad to worse. We ignore each other a lot. By the way, I finally bought the box. And I’ve been working a lot to repair it. I took it to wood shops, repair men, even renowned makers but they failed to revive the box. I sighed as I looked at it sitting there idly on my bedside table.

They said it was imported and has a different mechanism than that of the usual music box and the age of it makes it a little bit harder. I have to go abroad to have it fixed. It cost me a lot to buy that but I’m willing to pay more just to have it working again.

Since my schedule is quite packed until the next few months, I decided to do the deed myself. I ordered a book on how to repair these kinds of things and I’m starting to read it. I’ve been at it for a while but I can’t seem to make it work.

I picked up the book and shook my head. I have to go work.

*

My birthday is drawing near.

I wonder what they’ll give me.

Will Sica-unnie get me that plushie? It’s the only thing I asked of her.

We’ve been hanging out a lot. Well, fx is busy so she’s here with her sister complex sticking with me to make up with her time with Krystal.

I went inside our changing room, not knowing somebody was getting interviewed. Yuri.

“Oh, Yoona-sshi. You’re here! Can we ask you a few questions too? Since Yuri here is your roommate.”

I smiled and sat beside Yuri. I felt her tense but we managed to look normal.

I was just there listening and smiling to the camera, giving minor comments until one question struck me, or us, since I felt her flinch.

“So, since you two are here. Can we ask what happened with YoonYul?”

It was so sudden I almost broke my calmness.

“Is there something wrong?” I managed to joke.

“We noticed that you two seemed distant with each other. Are you two fighting?”

“No, of course not.” I was too quick to answer that it sounded like a lie.

“What’s Yoona trying to say is that everything is okay between us. Just a little busy.” I glanced at her as she flashed her beautiful smile.

“Oh, it’s just that you two are like peanut butter and jelly. It’s unusual to see you two away from each other for a long time.”

I was about to answer when she did for us.

“Well, we’re growing and we’re expanding our circles. It isn’t always yoon to the yul or yul to the yoon. Sometimes we have to part to explore. If that’s what makes us happy, we’re sure to support each other that way.”

I almost cried as I heard her say those words. I can hear resignation in her voice. She’s tired of me. She’s letting me go.

“Yoona-sshi, would you like to say something?”

I wanted to say that it’s not true, that I have a reason but then, I couldn’t tell her.

So I gave a smile and shook my head no.

*

I smiled as I went out of the bathroom, ready to sleep. The ambush interview earlier drained me a lot.

“What did you mean by that?”

I whipped my head to the sound of the voice. I saw Yoona sitting there on our couch with a drink in hand. I think it was something alcoholic.

“By what?” I said and walked towards my bed to grab the repair book.

She stood up and I can say she was quite drunk with how she wobbled.

“It isn’t always yoon to the yul or yul to the yoon. What did you mean by that?” She was now standing in front of me, drink in hand.

“You know what I mean.” I said and focused on my book, resting my back on the headrest.

“You almost told them everything!” She’s coming towards me.

“What?” I glanced up.

“Do you want them to know that we’re like this?!” One step.

“We’re like what? That we also fight? Come on. Friends fight. That’s normal.” I shrugged.

“This is not normal! Everything about you and me is not normal!” Two steps.

“What is not normal Yoona? What are you talking about? Stop drinking!” I finally lost it and grabbed her wrist as she was about to drink again. She withdrew her hand by force and drank again.

“You and I, Yul, we’re not normal. I’m not normal. I, I can’t be normal. You should stay away from me. I don’t deserve to be in your presence.” She was crying and laughing at the same time, I just stood there looking at her puzzled.

“What are you talking about? Come here. Stop drinking Yoong, please.” I said. It hurts me seeing her like that. I walked towards her and removed the glass from her hand. I held her hands in mine.

“Please tell me what’s wrong. We can’t go on like this forever. Please.” I pleaded. All the hurt we’ve been through evident.

“I can’t. I can’t.” She was mumbling and I can see her getting sleepy. She fell asleep hugging me.

I sighed and plopped her down on my bed. I removed her coat and shoes and changed her clothes into pyjamas. I tucked her in bed and moved towards hers. I guess we’ll be switching beds tonight.

*

I woke up with a violent headache and it never subdued until the evening when my schedules finally ended. I was sighed as I remembered the awkward and embarrassing talk with Yuri in that drunken state of mine. I was a fool to do so.

I entered our room with caution hoping that I will see her asleep and I smiled when darkness welcomed me. It was better that she doesn’t notice my presence. But how terribly wrong was I.

“I really think we need to talk; without the alcohol messing up with your head.”

I swallowed whatever it was stuck in my throat and waited in silence. I wanted her to reveal herself.

Then the light beside our couch poured into the darkness. When our eyes met I knew we needed to settle everything now; and I’m not ready.

*

The wait was worth it; seeing her surprised and well sensing her slight obedience made my heart race. She never really treated me as an unnie and the newfound ability to talk to her in this demanding, unnie-like manner was both exciting and frightening.

She sat on the chair across as if I was some investigator and she was a suspect to some gruesome crime.

“I’m ready to listen Yoona.” I firmly believed that calling her with her first name will reinforce my grip on her.

And it worked.

“What do you want me to say Yuri?”

“How did we end up this way?” I tried to steel my nerves, I swear I practiced this in front of the mirror for a million times throughout those days without her but I didn’t realize that I will falter on the very day that dreadful question left my lips. “I miss my bestfriend.”

Somehow my word bothered her for she was avoiding my stare.

“Tell me. Let me know. Maybe we can still fix this.” I was desperate. I was desperate to have her back, or if that is impossible, I will be willing to let her go if that is what she desires.

“Nothing’s there to fix. We should go our separate ways. Can’t you see? The world had become a small place for the two of us. We will be ruined if we stay that close together. Our relationship will be the one to burn us.” She was looking at me straight in the eyes. What was so wrong with our friendship?

“Why are you referring to our friendship like it is a maddening disease? Don’t our days together matter to you anymore? Was our friendship a mere pretend to you?” I was heartbroken than I already was and the tears were ready to fall but I held it in. I clenched my fist at the pillow on my lap.

She sighed and for a moment I saw a glimpse of the old Yoona. The Yoona who was full of concern for me, whose eyes have only showed true care and whose lips gave me the comforting smile I always cherished. But then again she changed back into this person who I could never vouch for anymore.

“Let us stay this way Yuri. Forget about everything.” She said as she stood up.

That was the last straw. If she doesn’t want this, I am no longer in position to hold her back.

“Then so be it. It was nice to meet you stranger; goodbye.” I said and walked out of our room. The pain was crippling but I was too proud to let anyone know. I stormed off into the night, driving my car away from the cause of all the pain. I stopped at the beach and there the waves and the moon bear witness to the falling of my tears.

*

I’m an idiot. I don’t know what came into me but I think it was survival instincts that made me say those hard words to her. She cornered me in a very vulnerable moment and I can’t afford to break the walls I formed to let my emotions at bay.

I stared off into the vast darkness out the window. It didn’t comfort me that she chose to brood over that darkness than into the comforts of our home. Even if I’ve hurt her that way I didn’t know my presence was that unbearable. I wonder how the members will react to this foolishness I’ve caused.

I stayed outside in the veranda sipping hot tea as I waited for her. Guilt, remorse and sadness troubled me so much that I can’t sleep a wink without seeing her back safe and sound in the confines of our room.

 I hated myself for thinking that she would always stay no matter how I hurt her but I thought wrong, for everyone has their limits and then this was the last blow.

I know I’ve hurt her mighty lot but I know I’ve hurt myself ten times more.

*

I tiptoed inside the room and my mind was at ease when I saw our room empty. I shouldn’t care where she went anymore for we have settled to remain strangers but my stupid heart just couldn’t forget that easily. I changed my clothes and settled in my bed, staring off into the dark. I waited for sleep to come but then the tears came first.

*

It brought me peace when I noticed her slip inside the dorm, thinking she was alone. I watched her move and it hurt me inside seeing her swollen eyes.

I let a few hours pass before I entered our room and the faint glow from our dim light showed me her beautiful features. I kneeled in front of her and my hand itched to touch her face and to make her feel how sorry I was. But then again I can’t.

I was about to walk off when a tear fell from her eyes.

You’re crying even at your sleep Yuri?

I felt my heart being clenched hard and it brought tears to my eyes.

I kneeled back and wiped away the tear.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered and I let my hand move away as I stood up once again.

Until a hand grabbed mine back.

She never said anything; she just opened her eyes and let me see the pool of suffering I dipped her in. But it was enough to move me and tear my walls apart.

“You have to let me go. I will only hurt you more.”

“I don’t want to Yoong.” It was so gentle and so loving I crumbled before her and my tears fell. She sat down on the side of the bed and wiped away the tears with her hands and cupped my face as I kneeled in front of her.

“Let me save myself and you from total disaster Yul. It will hurt so much right now and it will last a few more days or months, even years,  but I know the pain we feel right now will be nothing when the time comes if we won’t do this.” She was crying herself but she didn’t wipe her tears for she was busy wiping mine.

“I’ll ask you no more. You will have your way. If this is going to save us both to whatever you fear most, I’ll gladly comply. But when time comes you realize how you shrugged me off like I was of little value to you, remember that it was you who let me go. Because if you didn’t ask, in whatever storm that may pass, I could’ve held on to you no matter what.”

I nodded. I knew from the beginning I was to blame for everything, but I wanted to ask a little favour before we break it off.

“Can I hold you, even for the last time? I may have become a very inconsiderate person to you lately but I never really stopped being your bestfriend inside my heart.”

I smiled when I lied down beside her and I gave her a backhug like I used to, feeling every single thing in this last moments together.

She fell asleep in my arms and I cherished that feeling. I settled my nose into her neck and smelled her scent.

Everything shouldn’t have ended this way. We won’t be hurting like this right now if only I didn’t fall. If only I could teach myself otherwise, I would gladly do so to spare her feelings. But I know I should stop before I fall deeper; before I fall deeper in love with my bestfriend.

“If only I can make you love me.” I whispered to her sleeping ears.

I gave her a kiss in the cheek before I stood up to leave her side forever.

“But I can’t.”

I stared at her for a moment and walked away before I turned off the lights.

 And as it vanished, it carried away my deepest secret into the darkness.

Never to be known and forever will be forgotten.