Six months passed since Kibum's passing, but i still refused going out. 

 

I always layed in bed and cried. I refused food and company. I was starting to get really thin.

 

I crawled out of bed, trying to get to my drawer.

 

When i finally stumbled onto the chair, i opened Kibum's personal drawer back when we were still together. 

 

There were pictures of him, pictures of us, followed by a piece of paper layed unread. 

 

It was the paper we recieved on that tragic day. I didn't want to read it for the fear that he wrote something terrible...something that would hurt me more...but today, i pushed all my fears aside as I decided to finally read it. I opened the folded paper, to be met with his graceful writing, a few words stained with teardrops.

 

Dear everybody...

Im sorry it had to turn out this way. Please dont blame it on anyone. This was my desiscion, my choice. 

Umma, Appa...take care of yourselves. Never forget that i love you both so much...

Taemin, my baby...please take care of yourself.. neh? Thank you for always being with me since childhood...

Minho...yah! Take care of yourself...and Taemin! Dont ever hurt him. 

Onew hyung...thank you for everything. Please make sure everyone would be safe and healthy. You also take care of yourself...

And Jonghyun...you are my everything. I love you so much. I regretted screaming at you and having an awful break up. I should've let you explain. Im really sorry...i couldnt live life without you. It hurted me so much jongie...to live a life without you is a life not worth living. And i lost you. I let you slip out of my hands. Im really sorry. Im sorry for the pain i've caused you. I love you so much jongie...i really do...i love you

 

And then everything dawned on me. The reason he had called me that night. He was asking for help. I could've saved him. 

 

Fresh tears started to form in my eyes. If i had answered that call, maybe he would be sitting on my lap right now, or maybe we would be cuddling on the couch. But no. I ignored his call because of my heartbreak and i ended up losing him for good. 

 

I felt guilt. If only i had answered his call...then maybe, just maybe, we would be together right now and i wouldn't be feeling this pain...

 

---

 

7 months had passed since my world stopped spinning. A mere 4861 days since i lost him...to be honest i don't even know how i still get to move forward to another day without him.

I haven't gotten back to my normal life. I clearly knew that my life would never be the same again. 

I rarely go out of the house. I stopped working and depended on my parents for everything again. I started to accept company again though. Taemin comes everyday, and so does Onew hyung. Minho rarely comes, but when he does he brings food. I still eat so little too. Everything i do just reminds me of him. The things we used to do and laugh at. 

I was a selfish wasn't i? I only cared about my heartbreak, and in the end i lost you. I lost the boy who meant everything to me. I let him slip right through my fingers and never tried to reach for him again.. now he's gone forever. 

Only 4861 days without him and i'm already living a life of hell, but it already feels like an eternity...my life has no use without him...

 

Tears fell as i ended writing my sentence.

 

My mother's friend who was a therapist adviced me to write down my feelings a few days ago, and it really helped. Although i cry a lot when i write, it helps to release my pent up feelings inside. 

 

7 months passed since Kibum's funeral, yet i was still a broken mess. 

 

People said i would move on. But i never did. I still cried and sobbed a lot. But despite those, there were times when i giggled to myself as a funny memory of Kibum and me would come to my head, making me miss him even more. 

 

The good thing was, i finally had the energy to leave the house. Although i rarely left, when i do, i would be with Taemin, Onew hyung, Minho or my parents. Only them, because sometimes i would end up crying. 

 

I released a sigh as i wiped away my never ending tears. 

 

I grabbed my keys, feeling the urge to escape this silence. 

 

I drove to Kibum's apartment. 

 

I refused to sell it or move anything. It was almost like a second home to me. And it was the home of my beloved. Many memories were made there. Good and bad. 

 

When i was lonely i would go there. Somehow, i dont feel so alone there. I feel like we were all together. Minho, Onew hyung, Taemin, Kibum and me. 

 

When i was unlocking the door, tears started to fall again. 

 

The house still smelled the same as it had before, similar to the scent of a café. 

 

I feel like i was welcomed home again. 

 

I slowly walked to the bedroom, taking up my surroundings, flashbacks running through my mind as memories flowed within me. 

 

I opened the door to the bedroom as a small sad smile graced on my lips. 

 

Everything layed untouched since we found him here. 

 

I crawled into the bed, hugging his pillow and taking in his intoxicating strawberry scent. 

 

Every inch of the bed still smelled like him, making me feel as if he was truly here, beside me. 

 

More tears flowed from my eyes as i spotted an old picture of us on the bedside table. 

 

I imagined it was really us. Happily holding hands in the park, a smile gracing on our lips as i wrap my arms around him. 

 

I put the picture down and plop down on the bed again, quietly sobbing to myself. 

 

Sometimes, when i would close my eyes, i could still feel his warm hands intertwined with mine, his soft feather-like touches, his warm and welcoming hugs, his lips pressed against mine. Somtimes i could hear his musical laughter, i could hear him call my name. Somtimes, a pale lifeless face would flash behind my closed eyes, or a beautiful smiling face. Sometimes i would hear his sobs as if he were in the other room.. But im aware it's all my imagination...he was really gone...

 

He left me in this painful, agonizing world without him. I let him slip through my fingers and never reached out to him again...in turn i've lost the man who meant the world to me...the man who kept me breathing. And now that he was gone and out of my reach, i don't know what my life means in this world anymore. 

 

 

 

 

---

Okay so their break-up is unclear. I didn't add it to the story though because it ruins the dialogues...so i'll just explain why they broke up in the last chapter. Or maybe write a new foreward. Bleh we'll see x)

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