“So these are the seating arrangements for the party tomorrow night. Your father has requested that you and Jongin be seated at the head of course.” Emilie says, placing a large sheet of paper on the coffee table in front of umma and I. 

I tune out her voice and think back to this afternoon. Even  thinking about  it makes my heart beat pick up and my hands close together in tight fists. 

When Jongin and I returned to our parents, almost immediately, we were thrown into wedding and business talk. I stayed quiet the whole time and sipped on my water, staring down at the table. Appa tried to drag me into the conversations many times, but each time I would shut him with a short comment. Eventually, he gave up. 

I scrunch my nose up remembering a comment Jongin had made on my ring. He had brought his glass up to his mouth, but didn’t take a sip. Instead he whispered, “Nice ring.” 

I looked up at in surprise. 

“You mean you haven’t seen it before?” I had said, holding my hand to my chest. He shook his head and placed his glass back on the table before going on talking with our parents.

I let out a frustrated sigh and grip at my hair. Jongin is just as out of this arrangement as I am and yet he seems so casual about it!

Emilie and umma eye me carefully.

“Are you alright?” umma murmurs. I nod and pull my knees up to my chest. I wrap my arms around them tightly, trying to hold myself together.

“Fine.” I mutter through a clenched jaw. Emilie looks at me apologetically before pushing the seating arrangement towards me. 

“You’ll be sitting here,” she says, pointing a spot at the end of the diagram, marked with a red ‘S’. My eyes drift over to see a red ‘J’ positioned next to me. I purse my lips and scan my eyes over the rest of the arrangement. It was clear that this party was mainly to show off Jongin and I in front of all the important business partners, as I see only one cousin from each uncle or aunty to represent family. I frown when I find no sign of Soyeon and Soeun being placed near me. 

“Where will Soeun and Soyeon unnie be sitting?” I ask quietly. Both umma and Emilie gulp nervously and with a caution finger, umma points out two green ‘S’ at the opposite end of the table. 

My heart beat picks up and I find myself holding my breath. Appa was being absolutely sure that there was no way that either of them could ruin the night by placing them the furtherest away from me. I clench my jaw thinking of the high possibility that he’ll make sure all of us are busy with something to do, just to make sure that we don’t talk to one another throughout the night.  

I slowly let out the breath I’ve been holding in a low hissing sound. 

“Right.” I mutter. 

“I did try to make him change it, sweetie. But he wouldn’t let up.” I hear umma whisper softly, her voice drenched in fear that I’ll lash out at the two of them. 

“It’s fine.” I say under my breath. I try to focus on the rest of the plans that have been set out for the night, but my mind keeps drifting off images to a Alice in Wonderland like table, with me chained to a chair at one end, and Soeun and Soyeon chained to their chairs at the other end. I even picture appa dancing on the table dressed as the Mad Hatter. 

“Sojin dear, why don’t you go get some rest.” umma murmurs, patting my arm. 

I snap out of my thoughts and turn to face her. 

“Why? Have we gone through all the plans?” I say. 

“No, but that doesn’t matter. We’ll show you the rest of them tomorrow when Jongin is here.” Emilie says, taking the seating arrangement and rolling it up. I force myself to nod and not to let out a sigh of relief as I stand up. Making my way over to the stairs I hear umma sigh once and then mutter the words good night, under her breath. I give my head a slight shake and pretend I didn’t hear them and dart up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Instead of walking into my room, I find myself quietly opening Soyeon’s door and closing it softly behind me. She stirs in her sleep, but doesn’t wake. I slip of my cardigan and climb into her bed, curling up next to her. Instinctively, she wraps her arms around me and pulls me closer.
“‘Night unnie.” I whisper. She mumbles something in her sleep buries her head in my hair before drifting off into a deeper sleep. 

I let out a quiet sigh and try to ignore the aching pain in my heart. Memories from almost ten years ago come to me in a rush and I mentally try to count the amount of times I crawled into Soyeon’s bed when I was younger whenever I had a bad dream. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to steady my breathing while remembering the younger me. 

I don’t want to grow up... I think to myself. Don’t make me grow up so quickly...

Even in my attempt to stop myself, a mixture of angry and sad tears leak through my closed eyes and roll down my cheeks. I don’t bother wiping them away knowing that more will come anyway.

“Seriously Sojin! Did you even at least a little bit of sleep last night?!” I hear appa shout from behind me the next morning. I drop my gaze from my reflection and stare at my hands. Emilie had figured out that I was sleeping in Soyeon’s bed after finding mine still made perfectly from the day before. She woke me up in a hurry to get me into my own bed before appa found out. 

“No,” I mumble. “I had a bad dream and found it hard to get back to sleep.” I lie. 

Appa lets out a frustrated sigh and stares at me in the mirror. I timidly look up and see his reflection positioned directly on my left shoulder. I watch as his physically swallow’s his pride and opens his mouth. 

“A-Are you al-alright?” he stumbles over his words and gives me a concerned, yet forced look. I stare at him and his aging features. I swear his hair has started to go grey just from this week, his wrinkles have gotten deeper and the bags underneath his eyes have become more visible. I chew down on my bottom lip as I think about just how much this arrangement is affecting him as well as me. 

“I’m fine.” I manage to say while studying his face. He gives an awkward nod and steps outside of my room, closing the door behind him. A sigh escapes my lips as my eyes fall back down to my hands again.  Crisp air comes in through my windows like a welcoming lullaby and blows my hair around my face, blocking my vision of the engagement ring that sat peacefully on my left hand. I’m suddenly taken back to the tiny dust particles that danced around my head the other day and my heart swells at the anger I have towards them. 

How lucky they are, being able to just fly out of a room and travel through different places without a care in the world. To float aimlessly through the wind and peacefully land somewhere else with no protests or cries. I find myself stepping out onto my balcony and taking a deep breath of fresh air, filling my lunges up to full capacity. No words could express my disappointment when I heard a light knock on my bedroom door. With a single worded reply, the maids begin rushing into my room five at a time, laying out outfits, setting up a bath, lining up different make-up products and hair accessories. My brain ordered me to move and soon I was being passed through a different pair of hands every ten seconds. I was washed and dressed within minutes. I refuse to try and make conversation with any of the maids today, and they seemed to pick up on my mood quickly after their attempts of small talk failed. Before I know it, I’m being guided towards my bedroom door. The maids have their last minute look over, swatting away any stray hair and touching up bits of make-up here and there. One of them, reaches up to dab some blush on my cheek, but I catch her hand just in time. 

“Please,” I say, trying so hard to not let the word come out as a whimper. “Just leave it.” 

Her eyes fall as well as her hand. 

“I’m sorry.” she whispers secretly to me. “I know what you’re going through. Please believe me. Only I didn’t have the support you have now, which lead me here today.” 

I try to study her facial features as she hangs her head, trying to avoid eye contact with me. My hand slightly twitches and before I know it, I’m gripping onto her hand tightly. 

“How old are you?” I whisper, leaning closely to her face. 

“Twenty six.” she answers quickly, her facial expression showing surprise at how close I’m hovering over her. 

“And you’ve been engaged?” I question. She nods quickly and bites down on her lip. “What’s your name?” 

“Song Qian, miss.” she says, ducking her head even more in a bow. I grip onto her hand tighter, urging her to stand tall in front of me. I go to say something, but I’m cut off by the opening of my bedroom door. Umma slides into my room followed my Emilie and closes the door behind her softly. For a split second, I can feel her eyes burning holes through mine and Song Qian’s intertwined hands. She steps back immediately and bows towards umma. My bottom lip falls into a pout as I feel like someone has just ripped my security blanket off me. 

“Sojin-ah, the Kim’s have arrived. You should come down before any other guests arrive.” umma suggest sweetly. I nod and take a step towards her. She gives me a small smile 

“Don’t call me ‘miss’  for now on, arasso?” I say, looking directly into Qian eyes. She bows and hurriedly scoots out of my way, stepping back in line with all the other maids. My hand itches to reach out for hers again, but instead my feet shuffled forward, following umma and Emilie out of my room and down the hallway. My heart beat picks up as I come closer to the stairs and I find myself picking at perfectly painted nails. 

Why I was nervous, I have no idea. It wasn’t the first time I was meeting Jongin, in fact it the was my third time meeting him. My lip slips in between my teeth as I take my first step down the stairs. The sound of muffled conversation floats around me. I know straight up that the voices belong to more than just the four people awaiting my arrival. How many have already arrived for the party? My foot steps down onto flat surface and I’m met with, not just the Kim’s and appa, but the Kim’s, appa and three other guys. I studied each of the new faces in front of me and take in their appearances. 

The thing that strike me first, was that they were all heartbreakingly beautiful. Two of them showed no emotions, while one was smiling brightly at me. The second thing that stood out to me, was how tall two out the three guys were. Even with me in my heels, I still had to slightly tilt my head back to fully look at them. 

“Sojin!” appa exclaims excitedly, both mentally and physically pulling me away from the three newbies standing before me. I take a small step towards him. 

“Miss. Sojin, it’s lovely to see you again.” Mr. Kim greets me. I bow politely, slightly cringing at his voice. 

“Hello Mr. Kim.” I return the greeting, but go no further in saying how good it is to see him again. Because it’s not. 

Someone clears their throat and I turn to search the owner of the noise. I turn just in time to see one of the taller guys hitting the other one other the head. 

“Yah, hyung!” the younger one whines under his breath, rubbing the back of his head. My eyes widen at the sound of his deep voice that seemed to boom around the foyer of my house. 

“Ignore them.” I hear Jongin say. I almost squeal in fright as I realise how close he is to me. He pushes his hands into his trousers pockets and rocks back on his heels. “I do.” 

“Yah! Remember that we’re older than you, you’ve got to respect us.” the shorter one hollers suddenly. Jongin just rolls his eyes and takes a small step away from me to hook an arm around him. 

“Sure hyung.” he mutters.

Hyung? But he looks so young... I think to myself.

 I look up at my parents and the Kim’s confused as to who these guys were. 

“Sojin dear,” Mrs. Kim speaks up. “We’d like to introduce you to some of the many heir’s to EXO.” 

“I thought Jongin was the heir to EXO.” I say, the words slipping out of my mouth before I could even think about it. The smiley one chuckles and copies Jongin’s actions by stuffing his hands into his pockets. 

“Jongin likes to think that he is.” he says, sending me a discreet wink.

“That’s because I am.” Jongin mutters. Smiley rolls his eyes and shakes his head. 

“Yeah so he’ll own the company once Mr. Kim has passed it down to him, but he’s not going to be able to manage it on his own. So that’s why were here.” he says. I an eyebrow at him. 

“Oh? So you’re like his backup in case he fails?” I question. Jongin’s face falls. 

“I would never fail.” he hisses defensively. I wave him off and give my attention back to Mr. Smiley. 

“No, not like his backups.” he says, chuckling again. “My father, along with the other members of EXO, helped Mr. Kim build this company. So we’re pretty much co-owners.” 

I nod along pretending to understand what he was saying and bow. 

“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” 

“Chanyeol. Park Chanyeol.” Smiley answers, bowing politely back to me. 

“My name’s Wu Fan,” the quiet speaks up, bowing. “But people call me Kris.” he adds, shrugging at the end. 

“Kris?”

“Yeah. It’s a nickname I’ve picked up over the years.” he says, waving his hand in a circle. I nod and move onto the last one. He smiles slightly and bows. 

“Luhan.” he says quickly. 

I smile warmly at him, internally screaming at him over how young he looks.

“It’s lovely to meet all of you.” I say, bowing again. Jongin scoffs, dropping his arm off of Luhan’s shoulders. 

“Sure it is.” he mumbles. I squint at him and pull my upper lip up slightly. 

How could someone be so rude to his so called ‘hyung’s’.  I think to myself. 

“Sojin-ah, Jongin-ah, why don’t you two go and finalise the plans for tonight. We’ll make sure the others are entertained during your absence.” umma says, gesturing for Jongin and I into the dining room. Without thinking, I take off without Jongin and make my way past my parents, but something tugs on me and pulls me to a stop. 

“Lets go in together, hm?” Jongin says, clutching onto my hand. 

“I really don’t think that’s necessary.” I hiss at him, pulling my hand out from his. 

“Woah, Jongin has got himself a fighter. Looks like someone’s going to be sleeping on the couch tonight!” I hear Chanyeol joke loudly. Kris and Luhan chuckle, but cough to cover it up when I whip my head around to face them. Mr. Kim forces a laugh and claps his hands loudly. 

“Young boys, so full jokes these days!” he barks loudly. My eyes only widen when I see the others join in on the forced laughter. Jongin grips my arm and tugs me to the direction of the lounge room instead of the dining room. “Come boys, lets go get a drink!” 

The seven of them leave the room, all joking and hollering on top of each other. Jongin tugs at my arm once more, this time I turn to face him. 

“Why...” I mutter, trying to find my words. “Why does it sound like... Why do they.... Do they know?” 

Jongin pulls on my arm again, this time with more force. My feet take quick steps to balance myself and catch up to Jongin who has managed to pull me into the lounge room. He doesn’t face me though, instead he places his hands on the back of the couch and drops his head. 

“Yah, Kim Jongin!” I cry. 

“No.” he answers bluntly. He pushes his weight off the couch and turns to face me. “No one does.”

“Then why not tell them?” I question, clenching my fists. This wasn’t fair, I told everybody. My sisters, my bestfriend, why does he get off scotch free of not telling anyone?! 

“Because!” he cries, before suddenly stopping mid-sentence. “Because I’m not like you.” he finishes in a lower voice. 

“No one is like me Kim Jongin!” I say, throwing my arms up. 

“No! No one is like you, because no one has the support you do!” he snaps. I freeze and study his face. No traces of the happy and charming Kai I met linger in his features. Instead it’s someone completely different. Someone lost and... hurt. 

“I work long and hard for my father. I try so hard!”  he shouts again. My feet shuffle back and I rush over to the doors, closing them securely so that the others won’t hear his rant. I lean back on the door and watch him closely, hands on the door knobs incase I need to make a mad dash away from him and his rage. He paces around the lounge room, running a rough hand through his hair. “And this is the thanks I get.” he spits, gesturing in my direction before turning his back on me again. Something in me screams at the rest of me to be offended, to retaliate and curse his doing on this arrangement. But I can’t. Instead I find myself frozen in time, studying the back of my fiancé. Over the past days, all I’ve been thinking about is me. Crying over the lost of my youth, over the rush of growing up. I pictured myself to be standing alone throughout this arrangement, this marriage. Whenever I thought about this deal, I thought about myself standing alone, up until I met Jongin at the altar. Only now do I realise that in order to get to the altar, I have to walk down the aisle, but not alone. I was never alone in this and I never will be, because in order to have a marriage, there needs to be two people in the equation.  Watching Jongin shout and hurt over this, makes me feel like I’m staring into a mirror, watching myself fall to pieces without anyone caring. 

“Kim Jongin,” I murmur. 

“Stop it.” he mutters. “Stop whatever you’re about to say, because there is a high chance that I won’t care about it.” 

He rolls his head back over his shoulder and stares at me. 

“You do have support you know.” I say quietly, pushing myself off the door and taking a cautious step towards him. Jongin scoffs and turns his body towards me. 

“You are so wrong, it’s almost funny.” he says, shaking his head. “Arranged marriage has always been some sort of joke between me and my hyung’s. We would laugh and joke about how each one of us would be in a marriage.” 

“I don’t understand...” I murmur, frowning slightly. 

“Tell me Sojin, what was your sisters reactions when they heard that you were engaged?” 

My mind flashes back to the scene Soeun created in the cafe I had arranged to meet at, to when Soyeon held onto me so tightly just to make sure I didn’t chase after Soeun when she left to go talk to appa. 

“They tried to protect you, didn’t they?” Jongin says, pulling me out of my flashback. “I tried to tell my bestfriend, my brother, about this arrangement, but when I sat him down and told him I was engaged, all he did was laugh and joke. He didn’t give me the chance to finish what I was saying, instead he said congratulations and left. I didn’t even get a chance to explain myself to him. I didn’t even get a chance to protest against this.” 

My heart falls and I watch Jongin slump against the back of the couch and cradle his head in his hands. 

“So no, they don’t know. None of them do. They believe this lie just as much as the next fool.” he finishes, finally sitting up and looking me in the eye. 

Before I can grasp onto what to do next, apologies spill out of my mouth. Jongin just scoffs again and hangs his head once more. 

“Kim Jongin, you’re not alone in this.” I say softly, scared that if I speak too loud he’ll begin shouting again. I take cautious steps towards him until I’m standing no more than a rulers length from him. “I thought I was at the beginning. I use to get mad just thinking about how casual you were with all of this. How you spoke with me freely and how you acted as if nothing bothered you. But now I see that it’s all just a mask. That you’re trying to prove to yourself that you don’t need support through this. I’m sorry that you think that way, that you actually have to go through that trouble just to get through this.” I murmur. With his head still hanging low, I found difficulty in trying to catch his gaze, so I drop down and sit in front of him. His breathing calms down and I watch as he unclenches his fists ever so slowly. 

We sit in silence for what feels like forever until Jongin finally lifts his head and turns his gaze onto me. 

“I’m sorry.” he whispers.

“Hm?” I hum, slightly startled at the sudden noise in the silent room. “What are you sorry for?” 

“For my rant and my shouting.” he says, running his fingers through his hair and biting down on his lower lip. 

“Don’t be.” I say simply. “It’s good to get things off your chest every now and again, so don’t be sorry.” 

His lips curve up into a cheeky smirk, causing me to drop my eyes from his, uncomfortable in his sudden mood change. 

“I really do feel a lot better knowing that I’m marrying you Lee Sojin. Remember that.” he murmurs before standing up abruptly. 

“What are you doing?” I question, quickly getting up whilst trying not to kill myself in my heels at the same time. 

“Don’t we need to go over some things for tonight?” he asks, cocking an eyebrow at me.

“Oh!” I gasp, suddenly remembering what we were in the middle of. “Right!” 

Jongin smiles and watches me as I brush myself off and try to make my way past him. His hand stretches out and grips onto my arm, pulling me back slightly. I turn around to face him.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, quickly scanning him to make sure he hadn’t done something to himself secretly during his rant. 

“Thank you.” he says, before letting go of my arm.

 

 

 

fourth chaper - done!

i am so sorry it took so long to update! i know i said hopefully by the end of the whatever week it was, 
but i had school, and then i got sick and then i got writers block and everything that could have gone
wrong, did. so please forgive me! 

thank you all for being so patient, lots of looooove ~