The air was still and the house was dead silent until my foot-steps echoed against the tiles with every step I took. Every noise made was amplified 100 times more so than the original, my hands reach towards the photo that was framed in a simple yet elegant, silver photo frame. My eyes scan every little feature of it. It was our first and last family portrait with the four of us, our faces filled with bright smiles and everything about this photo told you that we were a cheerful family which cherished each other’s company.

‘Mum…dad, you guys are finally reunited,’ I whisper before I place it back on the table, back in its original position.

My brother’s foot-steps can be heard thumping against the carpeted stairs as he ran down with a side bag slung across his shoulder.

‘Noona,’ he smiles, trying his best to be cheerful but truthfully, there was nothing to be cheerful about or smile over.

‘Hey,’ I say softly and he walks over to the photo frame that my eyes were still locked on. I knew he missed my mother already; the house was emptier than it was before. I wrap my arm around his waist and I rest my head on his shoulder. Only 16 and he was already taller than me, I owed my brother so much, so much that it wasn’t even a funny.

3 days after the funeral, it’d be my operation. 7 days after the funeral, it’d be my birthday, but I really didn’t care since there was nothing to look forward to, there never was.

Today was the 3rd day after the funeral though and today was the day of my operation. I woke up early this morning, staring at the white ceiling of my room at nothing in particular. I reached for my phone and I tweeted to him for what may possibly be my last time.

‘@khunnie0624 You are my first love and you are my last. I loved you once and once was enough because I don’t think I ever stopped.’

Yeah I know he probably won’t see it but something just urged me to do so. I don’t care about anything anymore. There’s nothing to care about well only one thing, my brother. The most important person in my life right now and if I could choose, I’d choose to never leave him. If we both got into a car crash that lead to us dying on the spot and only one of us could survive, I probably sound like a selfish but I’d want him to die because if I were the one to die, I’d hate myself so much to put him through the pain of losing another person he loved and this time, I wouldn’t be around to comfort him and pull him into my arms. I’d hate to think what would happen next.

I braced myself for today because I know that I probably wouldn’t come out alive and that I was going to probably leave him.

Minhwa, I don’t want to fight this losing battle anymore, it brings noona so much pain. I’m sorry.

-

‘Noona, I want to be outside the hospital room and wait for you,’ he whines while we stood in front of Jordan’s house, I was dropping him off before I took the taxi to the hospital. I didn’t want him staying at home and Jordan’s mother was happy to take care of him even though she knew that I probably wouldn’t be able to come back and pick him up.

To her, I handed the house keys and all the information to the house and everything else, where the money was saved and all the cards along with official documents which Minhwa would take back when he was 18. I knew she wouldn’t do anything horrible because she was a friend of my mother and she watched us grow up.

If I was to leave, leave everything, leave Minhwa, she would be his guardian and I know that he would be left in good hands.

‘No, stay with Jordan,’

‘Noonaaa,’ he whines.

‘Stop,’ I try to sound strict but I can only laugh at how cute and child-like he was acting.

‘You will be okay, won’t you? You’ll come back and pick me up won’t you? I’ll visit you at the hospital and we’ll celebrate your birthday there, right?’

‘Yeah, yeah and yeah,’ I lie and I pinch his nose playfully.

‘Promise me you will be okay?’ He holds his pinky out and I have no choice but to lie again and wrap my pinkie around his.

I pull him in for a tight hug and we stay like that, in each other’s embrace. My head rests on his shoulder and I can feel the tears welling in my eyes before they trickle down my cheeks and I can no longer control them. My tears dampen his shirt which clamps to his skin but I can’t help it. I hug him tighter and I close my eyes. I want this moment to forever be imprinted into my memory, forever.

‘Noona, I can’t breathe,’ he jokes and I loosen my grip on him.

‘You will be okay won’t you? Noona will be okay, won’t you,’ He asks me innocently but I could tell that he was doubting my reassuring and he knew that maybe just maybe I won’t make it but I knew, I knew that I won’t make it. There won’t be any of that second time lucky crap.

I nod slowly before I pull away from the embrace and I can see the tears welling in his eyes. A tear slowly trickles down his cheeks and I brush it away with my thumb.

‘Noona, I can’t lose you. I don’t want to lose you because I’ll be alone. I’ll lose someone I love again and this time noona won’t be here to tell me everything is okay,’ he whispers before the tears stream uncontrollably down his face and the same goes for myself. Those words made a big impact on me and my body trembled. I’ve been strong for so long but now I feel like I’m just going to break down. I’m fighting a losing battle and it brings me so much pain, but the pain is bearable because I have my brother by my side.  The constant thoughts of leaving him breaks me but I know I will, if I survive this time I know I’ll leave in the end, god won’t give me another chance, the pain will never go away.

I pull him in for a tight hug again and we cry in each other’s arms, brother and sister.

If only I could stop the time and stop the clock hands from ticking as if it were a time bomb. If I was given a chance to go back to where I wanted, I’d go nowhere because I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be here on earth. I don’t want to be a burden or cause people grief and pain. I don’t want to watch my brother cry time and time again, I don’t want to leave him. If I could, I’d cast a spell on him- obliviate. I’d use that spell from Harry Potter and erase myself from him and everyone else’s memories, that way maybe my mother would still be alive. Maybe that way, things would’ve been okay for her and my brother.

‘Noona loves you. Minhwa, I love you,’ I whisper in his ear and he sobs even harder at my words.

‘I love noona too,’

I pull away from him again,’ Go inside,’ I say softly but he shakes his head like a child.

‘Go, I need to go to the hospital,’ I take deep breaths.

I look up at Jordan and his mother with blurred eyes and he nods, as if my eyes already told him what words couldn’t. He pulls Minhwa off me and Minhwa flails and shrieks like a child would when being taken away from his mother and that’s what I felt. It tore me apart to stand there and watch our distant become further and further apart.

Jordan’s mother hugs me,’ Think positive, I know you’re strong,’ she says softly.

‘Please take care of him,’ I whisper, she nods before she turns around and walks back into the house. The last thing I see, is my brother, his face streaming non-stop with tears.

‘Noona, please be safe,’ he shrieks and tries to reach me but Jordan’s mother stops him and pulls him into her embrace and comforts him. I watch as his eyes lock with mine before Jordan closes the door and I break down.

This all reminded me of the first time I had my operation.

-

I lay still in my aqua robes which made me feel near . The doctor does some check-ups on me before he calls for the nurses and they reel my bed closer and closer to the operation room. My heart is thumping rapidly in my chest. My last moments with my brother replay in my head.

I’m sorry, I’m really sorry Minhwa and at the last moment before my eyes slowly close and before I suddenly feel tired, Nichkhun comes into my mind.

I’m sorry, I love you Nichkhun.

A single tear trickles down my cheeks and the weight that had been on my chest for so long lifts, my eyes close.

The ticking time bomb finally explodes, carrying all the pain along and away with it.

-

To the most precious person that entered my life (my brother),

                                                                                                                  I’m sorry, noona is sorry. I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted to put you through so much pain. When I was writing this, I already knew that I won’t make it out alive no matter how many times I reassured you that I would. I’m sorry that this time around I won’t be the one comforting you and telling you that things will be okay, but even though noona isn’t there, everything will be okay. Sixteen, you’re a big boy now. I’m sorry I won’t be able to watch you bring your first girlfriend home and listen to you boast about how amazing she is, I won’t be able to tease you and most of all, I won’t be able to find out whether she is the right one for you or not. I won’t be able to hear the good news when you propose to your true love, I won’t be able to watch her walk down the aisle before she intertwines her hands with yours… I won’ be able to watch you guys be bonded together for eternity with your wedding vows and most importantly, the kiss and the wedding rings.

I regret not doing so many things with you, I regret not creating many memories before it was too late.

I’m sorry noona was such a burden, I’m sorry I took away most of your childhood, I’m sorry I was weak.

Even if noona isn’t by your side right now, remember that I never left you, ever. With every step you take, noona is just two steps behind. I don’t know if this will sound creepy or not, but I’ll watch your every move. Make noona even more proud of you than I already am.

Stay strong and don’t do anything stupid. Noona loves you, she will never stop loving you.

I’m with umma and appa when you read this letter and they love you just as much as I do.

I’m sorry.

From,

               The noona that loves you to infinity and beyond ♥

-                      

(No longer in first person)

May 31^st

Knocking on the door, he waits patiently for it to open, hoping for the first thing he see, be her face. He nervously hides the bouquet of black roses behind his back. Those were her favourite, just like her mother.

‘Hang on,’ a voice belonging to a guy calls.

The sound of foot-steps running down stairs can be heard before the door clicks and opens.

‘Hyung,’ Minhwa says completely surprised.

‘Hey,’ Nichkhun greets him cheerfully before pulling him in for a tight hug.

The atmosphere seemed rather silent. The house seemed silent and Minhwa was more silent than he usually was even over the phone.

‘I’m sorry that your mother passed away. I’m even more sorry that I couldn’t attend the funeral,’

‘It’s okay hyung,’ he says softly.

‘Where’s your noona? I miss her,’

‘I miss her too,’ Minhwa whispers.

Nichkhun peers inside the house, it looked exactly the same as it did 7 years ago, when he left.

‘Where is she? It’s her birthday,’

‘She’s not... at home,’ Minhwa takes in a deep breath and notices the roses in Nichkhun’s hands,’ Are those for noona?’

‘Mhm,’ Nichkhun nods and smiles at him.

‘I want to take you somewhere,’ Minhwa says before he grabs his keys and locks the door. They walk out onto the street and call for the cab which was coming closer in the distant.

Minhwa whispers the destination to the cab and he nods before he slides into the back seat where Nichkhun had slid into.

‘Where are you taking me?’ He asks but Minhwa only plays with his thumbs and falls silent.

The destination is arrived in less than 15 minutes and Nichkhun’s eyes are widened when seeing the destination.

‘Why are you taking me to a cemetery?’ he asks the 16 year old boy who was silent the whole ride and wouldn’t respond to him.

Minhwa steps out of the cab and heads to the small flower stand and purchases 2 bouquets of assorted flowers and a bouquet of white roses.

Confused, Nichkhun pays the cab driver and follows Minhwa with furrowed eyebrows as he leads him through the cemetery. In view came a gigantic white cherry blossom tree and Minhwa stops almost in front of it.

Nichkhun remembered the grave, he had come here before but he couldn’t help but notice another grave that was next to the original.

‘Your mum and dad’s graves,’ he whispers and Minhwa nods before he neatly arranges the assorted flowers in the flower pots on the sides of the graves before he kneels in front of it and Nichkhun follows.

‘Umma and appa, hyung is here,’ he says softly.

‘Mr and Mrs Jung, I’m sorry that it took me so long to come back, please forgive me,’

A small breeze blows past and the branches of the cherry blossom tree moves with the breeze. Petals gracefully float towards them and they watch as many of the petals land softly onto the tomb.

Minhwa stands up and Nichkhun follows.

‘You took me here to see your umma and appa?’

‘I took you here to see noona,’ he says softly, gripping onto the bouquet of roses tightly.

‘Where? Is she meeting us here?’ he looks around the cemetery and scans it but finds no one.

Minhwa brushes away the tears that were already welling in his eyes before he moves slowly to the left where another grave was, it was located just a metre away from his parent’s graves. It looked new, if new was the right term to use.

Nichkhun’s eyes widen and he falls silent.

‘W-where’s  your noona?’ He whispers and he watches as Minhwa falls onto his knees, the tears streaming down his face and they land onto the polished tomb which was covered with cherry blossom petals.

At his actions, Nichkhun kneels down in front of the tomb, brushing away the cherry blossoms which were covering the name and photo of the tomb’s owner.

‘NO,’ was the only word that ran through his head the whole time. This couldn’t be, it couldn’t.

Underneath the petals revealed a photo of her, and the name that was in gold leaf paper.

Jung Eun Ji.

‘No, no,’ Nichkhun whispers softly to himself as he falls onto his knees and tears well into his eyes.

‘NO!’ he screams and the tear by tear, they trickle down his face.

‘Hyung, noona died on the 27^th, we buried her on the 30^th. Hyung, I miss noona,’ he cries and Nichkhun pulls him in for a hug.

‘I miss her too. I’ve missed her for 7 years,’

Minhwa pulls out an envelope from his pocket and hands it to him.

Nichkhun looks up at him, brushing away the tears and shakily, he opens it. He is greeted by her writing.

Dear Nichkhun,

                          I don’t know when or where you will receive this. I don’t even know if you ever will receive it but when you do, I’m gone…far far away.

The first time I saw you after seven years was in the hotel when we bumped into each other. Greeted by your smile, I forgave you for leaving me but when I saw you with her, my heart tore apart and I cried myself to sleep.

Our second meeting was at the fan meet and it was our last, I got trampled on by fans but I didn’t care because I got to see you and that’s why I went to Seoul in the first place. I pushed away all my stupid thoughts and seeing your face was enough. I’m sorry I left like that.

Over these seven years, I have missed you so much. I always asked myself, Why did he leave? Why did he leave without saying goodbye? Does he still love me? Was everything he told me just lies? But I held onto everything because I wanted to believe that what we had was the truth and will forever remain that way. I know you went to fulfil your dream and I’m not mad. I’m proud of you Nichkhun I really am.

I don’t know what to say but I really miss you.

I loved you and I don’t think I ever stopped even though thousands of girls were swooning over you and demanding for your love, I just hoped that you still felt the same way I did and I held onto that small bit of hope.

Nichkhun Buck Horvejkul, you were my first love and you were my last even if you didn’t ever feel the same way.

I love you and I’m sorry I couldn’t stick around to watch you grow even more famous than you already were.

Take care of my necklace, I remember you gave it to me on my sweet 16^th and I have cherished it ever since. Please take care of my brother.

I’m sorry and I love you.

-

The tears didn’t stop when he read the letter and guilt was eating him up for leaving her. He didn’t want to but he had to. So many times, he tried to came back to her side but he never had the chance and now it was too late.

He watches as her brother who was almost a splitting image of her cried his heart out and it broke him because that was probably how she was when he left. He takes the necklace which was hanging around his neck off and places it into Minhwa’s palm.

‘Keep it,’

‘No hyung, it’s yours. Noona gave it to you, noona loved you. She never stopped,’ He whispers, his voice shaking. After her death, the tears would never stop once they rolled and he hangs the necklace back over his hyung’s head.

Memories of the past replay in his head along with their meetings in Seoul and the tears don’t stop. He missed her already and truth be told, he never stopped loving her but it was too late…too late.

-

We were childhood best friends as well as neighbours; you were like a sister to me. You were my first love and could possibly have been my last.

I was in Seoul Korea and you were in Sydney Australia. Even if we were 8324.29km apart, on different sides of the world, across oceans and seas, I loved you and I don’t think I ever stopped.

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And it's finished. There was meant to be one more chapter but i just combined it with this one. Thankyou for following this fanfic and i can't believe that it's over. This is my first time attempting angst and i'd like to thank you guys for supporting me.

I have one last favour to ask, if you think it's worthy of upvoting, please do so. Thankyou and i hope you guys follow me on my current fanfics and the ones to come ^^ <3