I was a mess. Eyes red and swollen, hair oily and flying in all different directions and my face was bloated. Great just great.

Today was the day. The day I had been waiting for, the day I highly anticipated, the nerves from yesterday had died down but I still wanted to back out of it. I already saw him, why do I have to see him again? I came here to see him and I fulfilled my wish, was there still any use to see him at the fan meet?

The event from yesterday haunted me even in my dreams and I cried myself to sleep. Facing reality hurt, thinking that it was all rumours and not expecting to see it in real life hurt even more.

What we shared when we were younger meant nothing to him anymore but why did it still mean so much to me when it was the past and we’re living in the present now? Why am I so surprised that the rumours are true? An idol dating an idol, good looks, good body, perfect for one another. How can I be so stupid and continue living in my own world in hope that he still loves me like he said he did years ago?

Jung Eun Ji you are so goddamn stupid, unrequited love, this is what you’re experiencing right now. Young love or puppy love as others would call it, doesn’t last. So why do you think your one would?

Last night was almost a sleepless one for me, collecting roughly only 4 hours of broken sleep. I was jetlagged and tired but yet I dragged myself out of bed.

My phone rings and I answer it almost immediately without bothering on checking the caller ID.

‘Hello?’

‘Noona~,’ a cheerful voice greets me on the other end of the line and I chuckle, he sounded so adorable. Yes, I just called my sixteen year old brother adorable.

‘Hey, aren’t you at a friend’s house?’

‘Yeh, I’m at Jordan’s house,’

‘That Chinese-Canadian friend?’

‘Jordan say hi,’ I hear him tell his friend.

‘Who is it, your girlfriend?’ He teases.

‘Ew that’s sick, it’s my sister,’ I can hear him punch his friend, supposably on the shoulder.

‘Oww, what the hell was that for?’ I hear his friend whine.

‘Hey noona, I miss youuu,’ he says loudly through the phone.

‘Hey Jordan, I miss you too,’ I chuckle.

‘Don’t hit on my sister ,’

‘What did you call me?’

I find myself laughing at their argument and I can hear them fighting on the other end of the line, they drop the phone in the process and I can hear the sound of it crashing to the ground echo in my ears.

‘Get off me, I need to talk to noona, you’re wasting my credit!’

‘You started it by calling me a first,’

‘Because you are one,’ I hear my brother snicker.

‘YAH!’

‘Hey noona, sorry about that,’ he says returning to the phone.

‘Have you seen Khun hyung yet?’ he sounded almost too happy saying his name and my heart tightened in my chest.

‘No, not yet,’ I lie.

‘Oh, when are you going to see him?’

‘Soon, later on in the afternoon,’

‘Noona, tell hyung I miss him a lot,’

‘Okay. Minhwa, do you think it was right for Noona to fly here to see him?’

‘Oh…um…well noona loves hyung and hyung loves noona doesn’t he? He would call home often and ask about you showing that he cared, but mum wouldn’t let me tell you when he called and most of the time when he did, you weren’t home,’

My heart skips a beat, so he does ask about me and he would call home but no one told me. Knowing this, it gave me some hope in believing that what we had still existed, pathetic…I know.

‘That doesn’t answer my question,’

‘Noona went to fulfil a wish didn’t she? If noona thinks going there was the right decision then going was the right decision. I can’t tell you what is right or what is wrong, noona,’

It amazed me how wise my brother was sometimes, he was younger than me yet he didn’t act his age, it was as if he was older than me and our ages were reversed. I was the dongsaeng and he was my oppa, he grew up too fast due to our circumstances and it was my fault. Somehow, guilt started to get to me, I was the reason he had to grow up fast, he didn’t get much of a childhood because a lot of it was taken up by me. I bite my lower lip, praying to myself that I wouldn’t cry, I can’t cry again because I can’t be weak anymore, I can’t.

Inhaling a deep breath, I try to push away all my thoughts, hoping to leave my mind blank.

‘Okay, I need to get ready, it’s 9 over here and I need to get ready to see…,’ I pause, hesitating to say his name but my brother got the hint.

‘Okay, stay strong noona,’

‘Take care of mum, she seemed sick at the airport. If possible, do noona a favour and check-up on mum and make sure she is okay, can you? She didn’t sound too well on the phone either,’

‘Okay noona, I’ll run over in a few hours,’

‘Okay. Have fun, stay safe and if you don’t have enough money just withdraw some out of our shared savings card okay?’

‘Thank you noona,’ he cooes,’ Bye~’

‘Bye~’

-

I’m drowned by a sea of fans or should I say hottest and I nervously hold onto my red towel with the word ‘KHUN’ printed on it. I decided to head to the venue early because I knew this would happen. I knew that this place would be swarmed with fans before the performance time. I had already been standing there for an hour and my feet were beginning to become sweaty and I can feel the padding to my brown flats dampen. I clutch tightly onto my brown hand bag and I bite on my lower lip nervously.

‘AHHHH KYAAAAH OPPPAAAAAAAA!’ The fans around me scream. It becomes chaotic and I get forced to follow the pushing crowd.

‘KIM MINJUN, OK TAECYEON, NICHKHUN HORVEKJUL, JANG WOOYOUNG, LEE JUNHO, HWANG CHANSUNG!’ The fan chants begin as 2PM wearing suits, walking in a line head to their respective seats for the fan meet.

They begin to speak but their voices are drowned by the screaming of ‘OPPA’ and ‘SARANGHAE’.

They wave to the crowd and for some reason I find myself being pushed near the front. The fans from behind continuously push against me, the back of my feet continuously get stepped as well as my toes. The pushing and shoving gets out of hand and I get kneed in the back of my leg extremely hard.

The next thing that happened came to me as a blur. I lose my balance and find myself falling forward. The large sea of fans move out of my way and I embarrass myself in front of many cameras, in front of many fans, in front of 2pm, in front of him. I make contact against the hard concrete.

‘Aish,’ I close my eyes and press my lips tightly together. I use both of my hands to lift myself off the ground but just before I do so, supportive hands wrap around my back and they help me up off the floor.

The squealing and screaming becomes louder and so does the shouting and chanting of ‘2PM’ but one name stands out, Nichkhun.

‘Sorry, sorry, sorry,’ I can feel his breath on my ear as he helps me up and supports me, whilst gently moving the fans out of the way. The security comes, spreading away the crowd for the beastly idols who had left their seats to come and see if I was okay. They stare at me with concerned looks plastered on their faces.

‘Are you okay?’ They ask me while I grip tightly onto my Khun towel.

I nod slowly and I can feel the protective hands of Nichkhun leave me.

‘Did you hurt yourself?’ Nichkhun asks, his eyes filled with concern and worry.

I’m too embarrassed to say anything. My cheeks flush red and I can feel the eyes of every fan around me staring at me, either they envy me, or they hate me for getting so close to their beloved oppas.

‘She probably did it on purpose to grab their attention,’ I hear one snicker and Nichkhun reacts before I can.

His head snaps towards the fan’s direction,’ Sorry, but that was rude. Do you think she purposely fell over and hurt herself to get our attention?’ He asks her completely bewildered.
Shocked and extremely startled, her eyes are widened and she shakes her head.

‘N-no oppa,’ she stutters.

He turns to me,’ Are you sure you are okay?’

‘Yes,’ I say softly.

‘You are a fan right?’ He looks at my towel,’ My fan,’ he says slowly and I find myself nodding.

He gestures for someone to hand him something and I watch as they hand him a slip of paper, something that looked like a ticket.

‘Here,’ he hands it to me,’ You are 1 out of 100 fans chosen to take part in the fan meet,’ he flashes me the smile that he flashed at the lift yesterday, the smile that made my heart pound incredibly fast against my chest, the smile that made my heart melt.

‘T-thank you,’ I whisper, completely shocked and surprised.

I can feel the eyes of the fans burning into my back and a shiver runs down my spine.

‘Scratch the ticket using a coin and whatever number printed on the card is the number order you will line up,’ He flashes me a smile again and all the events from yesterday are washed away and down the drain. I can’t stay mad at him, I can’t be upset, I can just hope that he is happy. His happiness is my priority because the past is now just a memory and just with seeing his face, I’m satisfied.

‘I’ll see you later,’ he waves and heads back into his seat.

I drown back into the crowd of fans but they seem to be keeping their distance from me. Some look at me in disgust as if believing I really used such a cheap move whilst others smile at me as if congratulating me.

The atmosphere becomes silent when 2PM begins to talk.

They slowly throw out gifts with the tickets attached to them out to the fans, whilst for some they hand pick the fans and hand it to them personally.

The screaming goes out of hand and some fans go into hysterics.

‘Okay, to avoid a similar situation to what happened earlier, the security will guide the fans without tickets to the stage where we will perform at earlier. As for the fans that received the tickets, please come over to the left side so the security can check before we can line you guys up,’ Taecyeon says.

‘We apologise for the fans who we won’t get to meet personally but I’m sure there’s next time,’ Minjun says and the others nod in unison.

I realise that I’m wincing whilst I limp towards the left side. I had grazed my knee badly, the blood was slowly dripping down my leg. Ignoring it, I scratch the ticket.

‘100,’ I whisper. I was last.

-

What seemed to be a long wait, I watch as the 99 people in front of me slowly dissolve into the crowd in front of the stage.

I brush my dress, spreading away the creases and wipe my hands against one another to get rid of the dirt that had gathered on it when I fell.

‘Hey you’re the fan from earlier,’ Chansung smiles at me and I nod.

‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah I am,’

I pull the grown album that I had brought over from Australia and I flip to where the photo of him was.

‘Name?’

‘Eun Ji, Jung Eun Ji,’ I say softly.

(note- italics and bold used to show other people’s thoughts)

Her name sounds awfully familiar but then again a lot of people are called Jung Eun Ji. I think I’ve seen her somewhere before.

‘Stay safe,’ he smiles at me.

‘Thank you,’ I flash him a smile and I move onto the next person.

My encounters with the other guys were exactly the same and the nerves had gone away until I realised that the next and last person was him.

I become flustered and panicky, I was still extremely embarrassed from the event earlier.

‘Hey,’ he greets me with such enthusiasm that I find myself blushing.

She looks familiar.

‘I think I’ve seen you before,’ he tilts his head and examines my face.

*Yes khun you did, yesterday when I watched you with her*

I know I’ve seen you before, I know you.

I become nervous and my heart tightens.

He looked just like he did years ago but obviously he had grown taller and his body more masculine and tone, his eyes were still gentle, and his facial features more obvious than before.

He signs the album before he slides it back to me.

‘Will you come to the fansign tomorrow?’ He asks and just as I was about to nod my phone rings.

‘Sorry,’ I say softly.

‘Hello?’ I answer the phone.

‘NOONA, NOONA OH MY GOD NOONA I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO,’ his voice rang in my ears, he was sobbing and his voice was muffled by his tears, just by his voice, I could tell that he was extremely panicky. I don’t think I’ll ever forget how scared my brother sounded that day, never had I heard him like this before.

‘WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?’ I shout back into my phone.

‘MUM, MUM,’ his voice loud and his sobbing obvious.

‘WHAT ABOUT HER?’ I become extremely panicky and once again, negative thoughts run through my head.

‘She’s…she’s,’ I can hear him trembling and he sounds like he’s about to go into hysterics.

‘Listen to me, calm down Minhwa,’ I don’t know why I was telling him to calm down I could feel my legs become shaky and I trembled.

‘Mum…she’s dead,’ he whispers.

My eyes widen at his words, my legs let out beneath me and fall against the hard ground. I begin to tremble really badly and I can’t find any words to explain how I’m feeling.

‘No, no, no,’ I mutter to myself and I shake my head continuously.

The tears slowly trickle down my rosy cheeks and my whole body shakes crazily. My nails dig into the concrete beneath whilst one hand is clutching onto my phone tightly.

I can hear my brother still crying on the other line and I can’t find words to explain how I’m feeling.

My crying becomes louder and my voice is caught in my throat, I gasp for air in between sobs and I can see the eyes of many people staring at me.

‘Are you okay?’ His gentle voice asks. Like before I would’ve melted but now, I really didn’t care, I really don’t care anymore.

The world around me was collapsing and my mind went blank and all I could hear was silence.

I stand up shakily, I can feel his arms supporting me once again and I stare at him through blurry eyes.

‘I-I’m sorry, I w-won’t be here tomorrow,’

‘T-that’s okay, but are you okay?’

The tears were still streaming down my face and I shakily take off the necklace I was wearing and I place it around his neck. It was my necklace, the necklace he gave me many years back. A sterling silver chain with an emerald stone charm hanging on it, it was the present he gave me on my sweet 16.

‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper and I hang my head low. I run off into the distance, pushing past the crowd of fans, my wavy hair blowing with the wind and my dress swishing past my legs which blood dripped down, my knee ached but it was bearable, what ache more was my heart.

May 22^nd, the day my world collapsed, the day my mother left my side.

-

I take the next available flight back to Sydney. I couldn’t bear to think of all the pain my brother was going through right now at home. We didn’t have many relatives in Australia, only 1- my dad’s sister and her own little family which included her husband, daughter and son.

Over the phone, I could tell that my brother was going into hysterics, he was crying and shrieking. I was helpless, being a 10 hour flight away. I couldn’t pull him into my arms and comfort him, instead I heard every noise he made over the phone but it worried me, not being able to hear his voice during that 10 hour flight.

I immediately called my aunty to go over to the house and my brother had called the ambulance earlier, I could only pray that he wouldn’t do something stupid and just wait for me to arrive home. It was stupid for me to fly to Seoul, very stupid.

-

It was an extremely simple funeral, not that funerals were meant to be extravagant or anything but it was simple, not many people attended. Our connections were limited and we wanted to get the funeral over and done with as soon as possible, there wasn’t enough time to call relatives from Seoul over, not that there were many over there any way. It was held at the same place my father was buried, is it a coincidence that my mother died on the same day my father did? Maybe god is giving us a sign that the people I love are meant to leave me and I am meant to leave them.

The funeral held 2 days after her death consisted of many tears, there were only 10 of us but I spent the whole time comforting my brother. He was completely startled when he came home to check on our mother only to find her on the floor, still, emotionless and pale.

The doctor’s said she had a heart attack, that was all that was said and that was all we needed to hear.

The sky was grey and the rain streamed down. Like in that drama, we dressed in complete black from head to toe. My brother and I were the only ones who didn’t hold an umbrella. We trembled before placing the rose by her grave after we watched the coffin descend into it. We were the only ones who held black roses whilst everyone else placed white onto it. Black roses were my mother’s favourite. They were like my mother, hard to find. My mother was a fighter and the guilt started to eat me because I knew I was the reason for her death, because of my condition she over worked. Everything was my fault. Everything.

The tears never stopped streaming down my face that day, they didn’t stop streaming down my brother’s either and we mourned together because we lost someone we loved, again and I know he will lose someone again soon and I hated myself for that. I didn’t want to watch my brother in so much pain, neither did I want to put him in so much pain.

Minhwa, I love you. Noona loves you.

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I'll take the oneshot tag off when i finish this story because i think it's more of a short story  now. Two more chapters and this will be complete.

I feel like i rushed this chapter but oh wells.

No silent readers please and if you guys think this is worth upvoting, please do so. I'll be really grateful ^^