Oppa, it’s been a while since we last met. Seven years, exactly seven. You left the morning after my 16^th birthday, my sweet sixteenth after we spent a beautiful night together, and our beautiful last night, just me and you. I remember everything ever so clearly, the present you gave me, what we wore that day, what we did, where we went and some of the things we said to each other. Words that will forever be imprinted into my mind.

Do you still remember me? After everything? After you left leaving me nothing but memories? Do you remember your promises and everything you once told me? Was it all a lie or did you truly mean everything?

I lean on the window sill and stare out of the window with my chin resting on my hand. It was gloomy weather, it was raining. I liked it and found the peace in it even though it reminded me of you. The smell of it, the sound of it I liked it all even though it brought back memories, almost everything did. Everywhere I looked I’d think of you and the memories that I had oh so hard tried to push to the back of my mind, they’d all float back into it. I badly wanted to relive every moment again and re-enact every memory but I was living in my own simple world and I knew that this was no longer possible, the past is now just a memory and I’d be unable to relive it all again. Wait unable is an understatement, it was impossible.

I was never able to say this to you, but I’m proud of you, very proud. Proud that you were able to chase your dreams and that they came true. You’re now successful and famous now, and you have many girl swooning over you demanding for your love, some famous, some rich, some not as rich, some Asian, some not. Now I didn’t have to worry about you leaving me with a heavy heart.

You left so suddenly. I didn’t know where you went until 2 years later, when you debuted when you were 20. You left me no clue whatsoever neither did anyone tell me where you went no matter how much I cried, how much I begged. Even when I was sent to the hospital after fainting, no one would tell me until I found out on my own. Although you became a model first, which wasn’t what you wanted to be, you became what you wanted to become in the end. I’m proud, I really am Khun and I’m happy for you.

If someone else was in my position or in my shoes they’d hate you or be extremely mad at you for leaving without saying anything, but I’m not mad nor do I hate you. I miss you and I’m filled with regret for not spending more time with you before I no longer had the chance, filled with regret for not creating even more memories than we already had, for not saying 3 words 8 letters to you, for not making the most of our time together. I regret not doing many things.

 I miss you, I miss your comfort, I miss your embrace, I miss your voice and I miss being so close to you.  Yeah I can hear your voice through videos, see your face through photos, live streams and videos also but it is never the same as having you right by my side. Now, you are 8324.29km away and on the other side of the world, you live your own life and I live mine, you have that Victoria girl that I am meant to call unnie and I have, well I have no one. As cheesy as it sounds, my mind, heart, body and soul belongs to one person, that one person is you- Nichkhun Buck Horvejkul. Yeah our age is 2 years apart and you are older, we met when you were 14 whilst I was 12 but from the very start, I knew you were someone that would create an impact on me and make my life worth living and you have, you helped me have the determination and you gave me a reason to stay alive for the 4 years you were with me and even though you aren’t anymore, that is what keeps me going for the last 7 years you were away.

Who would’ve thought that a boy who I randomly met on the side path in front of my house was actually my neighbour that had just moved in. Who would’ve thought that this boy would give my life a 360 degree turn around and affect me so much? Things like this, I’d never understand but I regret nothing.

The rain stops for a while and I decide to crawl into and snuggle under the covers, I can’t seem to get you off my mind. As someone turning 23 you’d expect me to be energetic, going to university, living my life, chasing my own dreams, partying, having fun and everything stereotyped but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do any of that.

You were stuck in my mind and you never seemed to leave it. I open up my laptop and I sit it on my lap as I sit with my back resting against a pillow and my blankets wrapped around me securely. Logging into twitter, the first thing I see is your name. You tweeted. I hope you’re doing well, eating well, getting enough sleep, staying healthy, not over working and in general, just taking care of yourself properly. I so wanted to communicate with you and tell you all the things I never was able to, I wanted to tell you how I thought now and before and how much I worried and cared about you. I wanted to just talk to you.

I was disguised as a fan, following you, fangirling, tweeting to you every day hoping for a follow or reply. I used my real name, hoping that maybe, just maybe you’d remember me. Like any other fan, I wanted a reply or follow from you but I wasn’t just a fan, I was someone from your past who so wanted to be a part of you now and in the future. Checking my mentions, my heart skips a beat and I wait in anticipation as the page loads slowly, my young brother must be playing LoL and skyping with a bunch of friends again The page loads and I close my eyes and take a deep breath, I always expected for a mention from him but to him I was just a fan like all the others, hottest as they were called. I open my eyes, my heart beats rapidly, ‘khunnieO624 followed you’ it clearly says. My face drops, that wasn’t him but a fan instead of zero (0) it was an O.

‘Eun Ji, it’s time to take your medication,’ my mother interrupts, opens the door and walks into my bedroom holding a tray containing water and a small container with my medication.  Her tone was gentle and her eyes soften after meeting mine, I was weak, she knew that but she did not give up on me even once and it was proven the right thing to do. I’m still alive today after 9 years, the 9 years she never gave up on me when she was told to, when we lost all hope. It was the Horvejkul family who helped us through it all, Nichkhun who helped me and with that I’m grateful. I swallow the 4 tablets I take three times a day. She watches me carefully, making sure that I swallowed the tablets properly and that I hadn’t choked on it.

‘How are you feeling?’ she asks.

‘Like I usually feel,’ I bluntly reply.

I wasn’t exactly the social type anymore, nor was I the type of person that liked to talk even if it was to my own family members. I didn’t exactly fall into depression after he left, I sort of just lost my voice and didn’t want to talk, the doctors were clueless and weren’t sure why I wouldn’t speak anymore. Everyone thought this was the side effects after I had treatment for leukaemia, but they were wrong. The only side effect from it was that I my throat had tightened and it was hard for me to breathe. My lungs seemed to weaken also and it took twice the amount of breaths to intake the same amount of oxygen one breath would normally intake. I couldn’t take part in sports, exercises or anything that would make me breathe heavily or increase my heart beat rapidly but I could still talk normally. Why I didn’t speak nor use my voice anymore? The only reason I could come up with is that him leaving created such an unexpected impact that I was left speechless, if that even makes sense. Eventually, I spoke again but it took at least 6 months. It was when my grandma came to visit after having enough and this was just weeks before her death, she screamed at me and told me to let go. It resulted in a lot of tears and shrieking and shattering of glass. She threw the photos of me and him that I had placed in beautiful photo frames onto the ground, and the glass shattered everywhere. She broke every single one of them and she woke me up. She knew I hurt but she did it for the best and I understood but I couldn’t let go of him even though I promised her I would.

The home phone rings, I answer it immediately after the first ring as a home phone was placed on the bed side table right next to me, it was my mum’s idea to place it there in case of emergencies.

Just as I was about to say hello, my mother answers it too.

I don’t pay attention to what she says but on the other line, I hear a voice which belonged to a male. It sounded so familiar, I heard this voice somewhere, but where? Who was the owner to this voice?

He speaks again.

‘Annyeong Haseyo aunty,’

I freeze in place. The voice… it was his… it belonged to him.

 Weak, surprised and not sure how to react, I drop the phone onto the floor. Since when did he call and keep in contact with us? He was an idol with a busy schedule, how did he even find time? Why had I not heard about it nor answered or knew of the calls? Why hadn’t anyone notified me? By the tone of the voice, I knew he had called before. Questions fill my head, his voice made me weak and I sway a bit before I fall to the floor with a thud. I’m in a half sitting half lying position. My heart pounds in my chest and I can hear it blaring in my ears, I breathe heavily and my hand clutches my neck as I struggle to breathe properly, I pant heavily and I try to call for help, but nothing comes out and my cries for help were inaudible. Gasping for air I try to reach the phone again. I slowly inch myself towards it. I pick it up only to drop it down again with a thud.

My eye sight becomes blurry and the last thing I see is my brother. His expression was calm and he seemed to be coming into the room to ask me something but it immediately changes once noticing me on the floor clutching onto my neck gasping for air, his eyes widen and he seems frightened and panic stricken.

‘NOONA, NOONA, NOONA!’ he screams and rushes to my side, I fall helplessly into his arms as he kneels onto the floor besides me and holds onto me.

‘UMMA, UMMA, NOONA FAINTED!’ he screams and I can hear heavy footsteps coming towards us quickly which I knew belonged to my mother.

 He shakes me but my eyes have closed and I have fallen into darkness once again. 

-------------------------------------

Here's the first chapter.This is my first time writing a full angst and idk if im good at it ;-; so yeah... Give me feedback please ^^