Before their first meeting, Kibum had spent over an hour in his bathroom, applying the eyeliner, combing his hair countless times, changing his clothes every few minutes. He wanted to look attractive, smart and fresh. He had no idea of what the ‘J.’ guy would look like- they didn’t exchange any photos, just short messages that held so many emotions and empathy. J. wrote he’d search for a brunet, so K. should look for a blond guy wearing a black leather jacket. Kibum replied that he’d also wear a black leather jacket.

Now, whenever Kibum spots a blond guy wearing such jacket, his stomach turns involuntarily. He starts seeing Jonghyun, J., everywhere.

They met in front of a cinema, a place where most of young people would meet. Kibum was incredibly nervous, shifting from one foot to the other, constantly checking his watch.
And then he heard that voice for the first time.



I’m quite uncomfortable when it comes to men, I get shy, it’s hard for me hug them in a friendly way, not to mention grabbing them by hand or doing something more. I was involved with a couple of men but I could never create a relationship with them. Women make me feel like I’m home, I feel amazing around them, but a part of me will always yearn for a man.

J.




For how long have you and S. been together?

K.




“So you must be ‘K.’” is the first sentence Jonghyun directed to him and it’s the sentence Kibum would scribble down in his diary, the sentence that changed his life. He still could back up and say ‘sorry, you must have mistaken me for someone else’, he could decide he didn’t actually like what he saw, but then he’d have this feeling that he just wasted his life chance.
J. wasn’t a stunning, beautiful, ‘kiss-me-now’ person. He actually looked pretty casual, shy even, his dark eyes hidden behind a pair of glasses, his body tense and a bit bent. As if he didn’t want other people to see him.



Five years.


J.




But Kibum wasn’t disappointed. He became even more determined. He always knew that to fall in love, he needed to become close with the other person first. He used to be madly in love with a guy that was considered rather ugly- but, as he grew more and more attached to him, he didn’t see any imperfections in his looks, all that mattered was that crazy bumping of the heart he’d cause him to have. Kibum didn’t judge by appearances because he always judged wrong.



Why did you put the ad on that site then?



K.



They shook hands, headed in a direction of a street with many cafés and pubs. The conversation was a bit awkward at the beginning, full of short, meaningless sentences and long moments of silence.



What do you mean ‘why’?



J.



Now, as they’ve met for the fifth time, silence is almost completely inexistent. They’ve learnt many things about each other and grew fond of themselves. Or so Kibum hopes. He prays it’s not only him who’s already attached.




You’ve been together for so long. Why would you need anything more?


K.




They drank two lattes, nothing special, though they’d been pondering on what to order for some ten minutes. It was more of a pondering on what to say than on what to order. And it worked; after ordering their coffes, they had at least three subjects they’d want to talk about. It made the meeting a bit more lively and less awkward.
They talked about their first loves, their fears, their ‘living the past’ (J., same as Kibum, couldn’t forget some people from his past that meant to him more than they should), their lack of social life or friends.
Within a few hours Kibum felt he’d found his soul mate.


People don’t understand. I love S., I want to live another five years with her, and then another five more, but I know I’ll always have this need for a man. People consider it as betrayal, but we don’t, we understand each other. I need a man in my life.


J.