My life was full of regrets.  With the death of my loved one, my marriage to someone I didn't love, it seems like the only thing I had loved throughout life was living my dream as Girls' Generation. 

Now I was old and I have a family.  However the memories were still there.  They just needed a key to unlock them.

My memories, under lock and key.

The story of how the death of Kim Taeyeon, changed my life.

Under Lock and Key (One-Shot)

I sat back in my large, comfortable chair, a cup of tea resting on the windowsill, watching in happiness as my grandchildren played outside with Romeo’s offspring.  Being older, it makes you process your thoughts in a strange fashion.  Some may take it that you’re wise, or it’s simply experience; but to me, it’s just a new way of thinking.  Breaking things down, and making sure what you were thinking was correct.  One thing was processing through my old mind.  Happiness – the feeling was sweet… it was… simply happy.  Yet I feel as if I have never experienced the feeling.  That emotion felt like a new concept.

I, Tiffany Hwang, am now living with my children and grandchildren.  Married to Choi Siwon, though I never wanted to take up the last name, and instead go by my maiden name.  Yes, Girls’ Generation’s reign is over; however our bond is stronger than ever.  The others are probably doing the same thing as I, playing with their grandchildren and telling stories of their SM days.  The days where we wore a younger woman’s clothes, the days when we knew youth and embraced it, the days where we all had the energy to chase our dreams together.  Meeting up often was our thing.  Actually, we’re all meeting today.  My children and Siwon are all preparing for the large gathering while I watch over the kids.

I was admiring the perfect day.  It was a sunny day, with a few white, puffy clouds rolling about every now and then.  The yellow rays of the sun shone into the room, lighting it up – literally.  A break from the city was strange, but it was peaceful.  After finishing off in Girls’ Generation, the girls and our families all moved to a small town, away from the busy city-life.  The children played with their small toys in the yard, rolling around in the grass and flowers, sending each other giggles and smiles – yet another sight to remember.

A small body crawled onto my lap with two large photo books.  I gave her a questioning look as she made sure she was comfortable in my lap.  In a flash, one of the two photo books was opened, and an eye-smile was beamed my way.  Her expression was curious, her soul was vibrant.  It reminded me of myself as a child.  Nostalgia seemed to be another thing that now came often to me.  I was too busy living in the present and planning for the future, that I never had time to reminisce the past.  “What is this, Miyeon-ah?” my tone was soft and comforting, different from the old, loud and boisterous voice I had as a young woman.

My granddaughter merely turned to the first page, which was a page of something familiar.  A piece of paper, with all our messages to each other, members of Girls’ Generation, to Girls’ Generation.  A smile flickered across my weary face as I re-read those messages, each filled with love, emotion, and passion.  Our last day as workers of SM, a new day in our Generation.

“Halmoni!  What’s this?” Miyeon’s voice was innocent and high.

My fingers grazed the smooth plastic covering for the page, giving it a gentle turn – our debut.  August 7, 2007, a day to remember.  My mind wandered to the selca we had taken before our first performance, the cheering and moment of silence we withheld as we stood behind the curtains, the moment of relief once we had finished the song, and the cries of happiness as we grasped each other’s hands – August 7, 2007.

“This is a memory book… A memory book of Girls’ Generation.”

A look of excitement appeared on her face as her spine arched and her forefinger flew into the air, a thought had hit her.  “Oh!” she exclaimed, “I looked that up on the computer with Oppa!  Halmoni was very pretty!”  The compliment meant much to me.  Of course, I heard compliments like those many times as I lived my dream.  Those words meant so much to me at the time; I felt like I had love, even if I knew no one personally.  Yet hearing this from someone I did know, felt surreal.

I smiled at her, my eyes trailing to the next page of the photo album, “We were all very pretty, just like you.”  I softly poked the other’s nose, making her giggle as she turned her head back to the book.

Silence took over as we looked through the book, Miyeon staring in curiosity, whilst I gazed at the memories before me.  Sooyoung was at no fault when she suggested we all have a copy of this photo album.  Another wave of nostalgia fell over me as my fingers grazed a specific picture.  Where one’s eye-smile was captured, and the looks of genuine and pure enchantment.

“Can you name all of the girls, Halmoni?”

I nodded, my lips pursed together, “Of course!  Can you?”

The question took the younger aback.  Miyeon furrowed her eyebrows, her stare darting from the group picture from our “Genie” era, back to me.  I was half expecting a “no”, after all, not many people could tell us all apart.  Especially Yoona, Yuri and Seohyun; those girls honestly looked like triplets at first glance.  However after noticing their differences in personality, it was easy to tell them apart physically.

What surprised me was the determined nod the young girl gave me.  Her finger harshly plummeted on one member – which happened to be yours truly. 

“This is Halmoni, right?”

“Mmm.”  I grinned, waiting for her to continue, of course I was easiest to identify.

Her small pointer-finger swerved up towards our dancing queen.  Without hesitation, she spoke once more, “Hyoyeon Halmoni!”

I nodded, my eye-smile beginning to appear as she went to the next figure – one with a defined jawline and jet-black hair.  “Yuri Halmoni!”  I was curious to see if she was able to

I was utterly baffled when she continued to name my dear girls without hesitation.  Although the girls and I meet up often, I would’ve never begun to imagine this little girl was able to identify us as the young and vibrant girls in this old photo.  She even named them in order of the photo: me, Hyoyeon, Yuri, Yoona, Seohyun, Sooyoung, Jessica, and Sunny.

Finally, her finger landed on the girl directly below me in the picture.  Miyeon’s eyebrows furrowed for a moment before her finger darted back to me.  To my confusion, she began to count how many of us there were.

“Nine?”

“Yes, dear, there were nine of us in Girls’ Generation.”

In an instant, instead of another name, I was greeted with large innocent eyes, “But only seven halmonies come to visit Halmoni.  Is there one missing?”  I was about to retaliate and avoid this subject when her finger landed on our leader once more, “Who is this?”

Her eyes never left mine.  My lips unconsciously pursed.  This was a sensitive topic.  A few seconds in silence, I sighed, there was no use in pretending she was never a part of Girls’ Generation.  She always was, and always will be, wherever she is.  “That is Girls’ Generation’s leader, Kim Taeyeon.”

And Miyeon’s eyes lit up in recognition, “Oh!  Is that the person you halmonies talk about when you meet?”

I brokenly nodded.  There was nothing left to say.  Miyeon seemed to have gotten the message as she turned the pages, and asked what each picture was taken for.  I answered back with happiness, and an eager heart.  Soon pages and pages, minutes and minutes went by as I told them my adventures with Girls’ Generation.

“This is when Sooyoung and Yoona ate so much they got sick!”  I laughed, remembering the petty bet the two had made that night.

“Did they stop eating?”

“Of course not! They love food too much!”

A third voice halted my laugh.  “Are you contaminating poor Miyeon’s mind with lies?”

Looking back, I saw Sooyoung grinning down at us, and the other girls making their way into the living room with us.  “I see you guys made it!”  I exclaimed in excitement, giving side-hugs to each member that passed me by.

“A gathering with Girls’ Generation?  I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”  Replied Yoona, her doe-like eyes still dazzling with youth.

Seohyun gasped, a smile on her face as she realized what Miyeon and I were looking through.  “Is that our photo album?” she asked.  The memories we made we priceless, and I knew the others were thinking the same thing, as their expressions said it all.

Miyeon nodded rapidly as she crawled off my lap and set the book on the coffee table, for all to see.  Like that, the room instantly brightened.  Laughter and nostalgia lacing everyone’s tone as we went further and further into the book, taking a pleasant stroll down memory lane.

From our unforgettable debut, to the SMTOWN concerts around the world, to our last concert, on the stage that started it all.  And of course, the little memorable events that happened in between.  Soon, Miyeon’s mother came into view and asked if the young girl had wanted to help with dinner.  With a bright heart, my granddaughter nodded and rushed into the kitchen, leaping into her grandfather’s arms.

Siwon flashed us a smile as he stole a glimpse at what we were looking at.

Once the commotion was over, the other seven gave each other blissful looks.  Our eyes exchanged the memories, laughs, happiness, sadness, hardships, and dreams we all pulled through together.  This moment didn’t come very often.  However we all knew what to do.  We were just missing the one who started it all.  Breaking the comfortable silence, I began in a low voice.  “Right now, it’s Girls’ Generation.”  I began, placing my hand over the closed photo album, which held a group picture of us all, as trainees, beaming brightly at the camera.

“For now on, it’s Girls’ Generation.”  Half of the others chanted; those who were still childish and playful.  Expectant eyes were placed on Seohyun, Jessica, and Sunny; they had always been the mature ones of what remained of us.

Smiles finally appeared on their faces as all our hands gathered in the middle, and together, we finished the chant.

“Forever, it’s Girls’ Generation.”

Soon dinner was done, and all the children were inside, running around, playing whatever game they were playing.  I was chatting with the girls about our past, reminiscing the memories that flowed. 

It was then that Miyeon approached us once more, in her arms, the other photo book that we had yet to open.  My eyes widened as I saw the pink and blue covering.

“Halmoni, is this Taeyeon?”

The book was set in front of me, on the coffee table, and her finger was pointed at the chubby-cheeked and young Kim Taeyeon, who had an arm slung over my shoulders.  I nodded silently, but with a small smile on my face.  I could feel the stares of the others on me, but it was of no importance.

My eyes trailed to the necklaces which were visible in the picture -- our symbol.  I chortled as I remembered what our fans called themselves.  Locksmith, was it?  It was interesting seeing such fans wanting Taeyeon and I together.  Her voice filled my ears even though she was not physically with me.

“I love you…”

“What happened to her?”

“Are you alright?”

My head made contact with the car’s passenger window.  The other gave an audible sigh, even though I couldn’t see her, I knew her face was scrunched up in worry.  Minutes of silence went by, only the sound of the tires running across the asphalt heard.  I don’t know what I was feeling at the time.  Hurt?  Sad?  Confused…

“Taetae…” my hoarse voice surprised me.  I shrugged it off as I buried myself deeper in the small pink blanket.  The car skidded to a stop at an all familiar place.  It was then the other faced me, her elbow on the arm rest of my chair.  “Yes?”

As I predicted, her voice was soft and calming.  It was the night of September 16, 2013, I was still in my stage outfit, as was Taeyeon.  My happiness had drained with one text message.  Nichkhun had ended things.  After two years, he had ended things.

Taeyeon had immediately sensed my unhappiness, which I was grateful for.  I was ready to scream at the word for not being on my side, yelling at others and blaming them, even if they were at no fault.  I didn’t know what to feel.

“Why are you so good to me?”  The question came out curt and resentful.

It seems as if the other was shocked at the sharp reply, but managed to hide it well as she composed herself.  Only the pale moonlight made her face visible.  Taeyeon unbuckled her seat belt and opened her door.  Earning my curiosity, I looked up at her, only to see her beckoning for me to do the same.  Her expression was blank – something that caught my attention.

Wondering why she was acting this way, I exited the car as well.  We were at the Han River.  Taeyeon’s favorite place to go when she was down or upset, even when there was just something on her mind.  The other had been going here much more often, making me wonder why.  However I was much more curious on why she hadn’t answered my question yet.

I was expecting a rote response, like, “Because you’re my band-mate and I care for you.”

Yet I hadn’t gotten that.  Walking to the railing beside her, I stared out into the water with a heavy heart.  I wanted to cry, yet there were no tears.  I was tired of crying.  I wanted to yell, but my voice was gone.  I wanted love, but I couldn’t find any.

The silence irked me, especially when my answer was left unanswered.  The air was crisp and harsh; my hands were numb as I reached out.  I spun the other around, to see her nose red, and tears streaming down her face.  She turned away quickly and flicked her wrist to lengthen her sleeve and pat away the liquid.

This girl…

All my pain was temporarily forgotten as I grasped her shoulders, spinning her around once more.  Her tears were now gone, but the puffy eyes and trembling lip gave it all away.  That was all I needed to embrace the other.

Despite the cold, despite the rain beginning to pour; I felt warm.  I felt safe.  I don’t know what the feeling was.  However the feeling was nice.  Whatever happiness was, this was the closest I have ever been to it.

“Don’t ask those things.”  Her voice was small, her breath tickled my neck.  There was a pause before she continued, still in my embrace.  Her voice was stronger this time.  “I only wish I were good to you.  I could be much better.  I would offer you the world if I could, but I can’t.  All I can give is my love.  I will never stop loving you, Miyoung-ah.”  Her voice cracked once with the vocalization of my name.

My heart accelerated.  This was all I wanted.  To be loved.  To be loved by someone I love back.  I gave her a tight squeeze before releasing her from the hug, “I love you too, Taeyeon.  Sisters forever.”  I smiled for the first time that night.

Her next expression confused me.  A tear fell from her eye and fell onto her cheek, swiftly hitting the ground like the rest of the rain.  The expression on her face was unreadable, it was… pained.  It was hurt.  It was there for only a second in time.

As quickly as it had appeared, it had disappeared, and was replaced with a smile I hadn’t seen from the other.  This smile was different.  Her dimple failed to appear on her chin, she sparkle in her eye was replaced with loneliness, and her simper told a story I had yet to read.

“Halmoni?”

“Yes, dear?”  I replied, reaching out for the basket of fruits, which Miyeon was struggling with.  Her older brothers run ahead of us, shooting each other with bubbles with their light-up toys.  Miyeon heaved a sigh of relief, a smile spreading across her face.  For a moment, I thought that was all she had wanted – some help carrying the basket.

So of course, I was curious when she had spoken once more. 

“What was Taeyeon like?”

I looked at her with sparkling eyes as we treaded the dirt road.  “Why do you want to know?”

The other shrugged, swinging her arms in a carefree manner as she skipped alongside me, “Halmoni always talks about your adventures with the other Halmonies, but not Taeyeon.  What was she like, Halmoni?”

This girl was persistent and sharp with her words for a five-year old.  I reverted my gaze to the orange sun on the horizon and a smile came to my face as I recalled the memories with that dorky girl.  “Taeyeon was stern.  She was kind, helpful, encouraging, good-nature—

“Don’t give me single words, Halmoni!” The younger snapped with a grin that made her eyes disappear in a crescent shape, “What was she to you?”

To me?  What was Taeyeon to me?  She was a person to lean on, a person who guided me, a person I dearly loved, a person whom I held a forbidden affection for, a girl whom I lived with for half of my life, my teacher, my helper, my band-mate, my leader, my lover.

“Taeyeon was my best friend.”

“Taetae!”

“Yes, Pani?”

“Which dress should I wear?”  I held up two options, both sundresses, both simple, both almost identical.  A look of confusion ran across Taeyeon’s face, however she locked eyes with me, and realized my question was serious.  Brows furrowed, she stared at the two dresses, her eyes darting from one to the other.

In a matter of seconds, she had come with a conclusion.  I didn’t realize how amused I was until she had stopped, “You’d look beautiful in anything; but why are you so worried?  We’re just going to the hospital for a checkup!”

“Is it wrong to look nice?”  I asked as I spun on my heel, facing the mirror as I put one of the dresses in front of me.

My breath hitched when I felt a pair of arms snake around my waist.  “You look beautiful whenever, wherever.” Those words lingered in the air as Taeyeon left the room for me to change, closing the door behind her.

The lock clicked, and my breathing resumed.  I caught my breath; it was quick, heavy and felt like it was going to run away once more.  Taeyeon’s touch…

I lie on my back, staring at the ceiling.  Siwon settled himself on the other side of the bed and faced me, “Is there something wrong, dear?”  He asked with a great deal of concern.  I shook my head and forced a small smile on my face, “I’m fine, head to sleep first.”  I suggested softly.

He eyed me suspiciously for a second before nodding off to sleep.  I took a deep breath.  I wonder what would’ve happened if I hadn’t married Siwon.  If Korea had been more accepting of homouality.  If the world allowed Taeyeon and I to love each other as much as we did.  What ifs – so many of them crossed my mind as I stay awake.

I married Siwon, because my father had wanted me to.  Not out of love of anything of the sort.  He was a sweet man, who earned my comfortableness, but not my affection.  Only one person was capable of doing that. 

However the world was a cruel place.  Unaccepting, unchanging it was.  My heart felt worn, all the hardships we had to go through, to get rejected.  I wonder if she could hear me now.  I thought to myself, sending Taeyeon a thought as if she were able to read my mind from heaven.  Was she happy?  I certainly wasn’t.

Does she hurt like me on nights like this?  Does she hurt knowing I married Siwon?  Although I have never done anything of the sort with Siwon, does she hurt with our connection?  All my children were adopted.

I still wonder what she felt.  I suddenly missed all the talks we had – the ones where we would share everything.  We really could read each other like books.  Though why didn’t I know she loved me?  Why was I so dense?

On the day of her death, only then did I realize her love.  Only then did I realize my feelings towards the other.  The sickness was getting to her, and we all knew it.  The other seven had exited the room that day, leaving Taeyeon and I alone with the faint beeping of the machines beside her.

Taeyeon’s pale complexion, her dry lips, and her frail state – it differed greatly from her peppy and strong self.  If only she had told us about her sickness earlier, I would’ve been nicer; I would’ve spent every second with her as if my life depended on it.

That day, Taeyeon reached out for my hand, her cold hand enclosing over mind, tricking my mind into thinking warmth was spreading from those cold hands.  She looked up at me with teary, affectionate, loving, lonely, and sincere eyes; and with a whisper, she kissed my palm, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”  I choked.  I was vulnerable, at the age of twenty-seven -- my best friend was on her deathbed.  We promised we would never leave each other, and that we would always be there to protect each other.  Some of me shouted that she was breaking her promise; yet the other part of me scolded for not protecting her enough.

I looked into her eyes, and the tears couldn’t be held back.  Why?  Why was God being so cruel?  Was it because I was homoual?  Because it was a sin?  If it was a sin, why had God given me Taeyeon to love?  Why had God let me meet Taeyeon?

“For not being brave enough for the both of us.  For not saying ‘I love you’.  For not shielding you from all the hurt you have experienced.  For not being the cause of your happiness.  For not giving you the world.”  She paused, her thumb rubbing against the back of my hand, “But you are my world.”

I love you.  I wanted to scream, I wanted to say something – but the words failed to come out.  I wanted to tell her, show her in every way that I loved her, I would love her.  That she should come back because of my love for her.  She can’t leave, not when I finally realize my feelings for her.

Taeyeon’s hand touched the lock necklace around my neck, and a smile appeared on her face, the dimple reappearing on her chin.  “I love you.”  She whispered as she leaned forward, stealing a quick peck.

Retreating, she smiled at me once more.  I had wanted that kiss to last longer than it did.  Her voice was stronger this next time.  The sentence made me question what I had been taught all my life.

“I’m happy.” 

Her hand fell limp.  The line went dead.  My lover was gone with the shadow of death which had left the air cold.

She was happy.  Her last minutes here were happy.

Miyeon was now six, playing with her older brothers in the front yard.  I sipped my tea as I picked up what lie on the ground.  “These kids.”  I muttered, planning a small lecture for them later about leaving things on the ground.

About to put it on the shelf, I realized, it was no book.  It was a photo album -- the one, of Taeyeon and me.  Unconsciously, my hand flew to the lock necklace around my neck and I smiled.  Having nothing to do for the following day, I opened the book, planning to get lost in oblivion for the time being.

“Halmoni!” Came a voice about an hour later.

I was about halfway through the album when she caught my attention.  “Yes, dear?”  I replied, setting the album to the side.  Miyeon proceeded to tell me about how I looked happier lately, and how her day was with the boys.

However, there was something strange.  I couldn’t get the sound out of my head.  Averting my attention for a second, I glanced at the open door, and I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Double-taking, I realized I was far from hallucinating. 

Her expression was no longer stale, her face no longer pale, and her voice no longer frail – Kim Taeyeon stood outside the door, singing in her twenty-seven year old body.  The angelic tone was the only thing I could hear as I stood from my seat.  My body not feeling weighed, not feeling old – but young and free.

The distance was shorter than I had expected, I felt nothing as I continued to make my way towards my lover.   My heart wasn’t accelerating, it racing.  It seemed as if it was slowing down.  Love isn’t a feeling where you feel electrified and jittery; rather, it is a feeling where you feel drowsy and warm with the other person.

Taeyeon stood there, a beam on her face, her arms outstretched, and waiting for me to join her.  I made contact with her body, embracing her as her voice danced around us, taking us away from this world.

A foreign feeling flooded through me.

And I joined my lover.

--

Miyeon shook her grandma violently, just as her mother had walked in. 

“Miyeon-ah!  What are you doing?!”  She exclaimed in worry.  Miyeon innocently pointed at her grandmother, “Halmoni fell asleep.”

It took them a minute to realize that Tiffany, had indeed fallen into an eternal sleep, and a state of panic and grief had fallen over the household.  However, amongst the chaos, one little girl, who favored her grandmother over most adults, looked at the lifeless body of her other, and smiled.

The expression on her grandmother’s face.  The lock necklace that was glistening in the sun.  The arms that still held onto a picture of her and Taeyeon.

She was happy.

Her grandmother had finally experienced happiness.  And with shining eyes, she looked up into the sky in the distance, and spoke to herself, “I hope you’re happy with Taeyeon, Halmoni.”

And somewhere, two angels smiled from above.