Author's Note           

update update update

gonna spam you gaiz with song suggestions :D 

            “It’s getting late Junhong, we should head back to get your clothes” Yongguk smiled gently as he finished the last bits of his food. The boy before him gave a quick nod before taking a last sip of water. Getting up from his seated position, Junhong reached for his walking stick. A hand closed around his free one and tugged him along.

            “Bye you love birds! I better see two together some time soon again” Himchan had hollered out as the duo left the small restaurant.

            “Sorry about Himchan, he’s an absolute IDIOT”

            Junhong let out a small chuckle at the verbal abuse that accompanied social relationships. He was slightly envious.

            Their walk was spent in silence, along with the clanking of the walking stick on concrete once every while. It was a periodic sound, occurring every thirty seconds or so. “We’re here,” Yongguk mumbled before fishing out his keys and pulling the boy into the elevator and not soon after the apartment. “I’ll get your clothes, wait here.”

            Junhong gave a quick nod before finding his way to the couch. Flopping down the soft material, he let out a quick content sigh. It had been a good day to say the least. His ears perk up at the sound of incoming footsteps, smiling as he imagined the look on Yongguk’s face.

            “How, what, you, on the couch-“ Yongguk said through stutters, clutching the still warm fabric in his hands.

            Junhong chuckled at the older male’s response. “I count steps…. So I can find my way around after someone shows me around.

            “Oh wow… that’s pretty impressive”

            “Well, you have to make do with what you have, I work around… my, um, disability?” Junhong chuckled awkwardly.

            “Maybe it’s a gift?” Yongguk tried, unsure of exactly how to comfort the boy.

            “Ha. Gift, trust me, that’s not the first time I’ve heard that. It is what the optimistic side of me believes.”

            “Is your hearing any better?” Yongguk shrugged, sitting down beside the boy.

            “Times better,” Junhong said with a large grin.

            “Well, that’s good news right?”

            “Yeah, it is, considering music is a huge part of my life. But at the same time it isn’t, you know what I mean?”

            “I know what you mean… music shouldn’t be a visual thing, but at the same time it is. Haha, I guess it really is hard to explain, isn’t it?” 

            “So you do have a brain”

            “What? Where did that come from?”

            Junhong chuckled, “Just with that voice, I would’ve thought otherwise”

            “Pleasant surprise?”

            “Definitely” Junhong smiled, twiddling his thumbs in his lap.

            “Here are your clothes, and I’ll take you home if you tell me where you live” Yongguk shoved a small bag into the boy’s lap. “You can return my clothes to me later on”

            “But that would mean that I have to see you again” he feigned a pout.

            “Don’t act like you don’t want to” Yongguk smirked, placed an arm around the boy to urge him to get up.

            “Maybe I do” Junhong mumbled quietly before getting up from the couch, slipping out of the elder’s grip.

            “Don’t worry, I do too,” he said before slipping a hand around Junhong’s, pulling him towards the door.

            “And yet you seem to really want me to get out of your home”

            “Ah… um, well, if you want to stay? I just, well, I just wanted to get you home before it’s completely dark in case someone was worried about you”

            Junhong chuckled at the older male’s stumbles. “No one will really care, but yes, I’d like to get home soon”

            “Oh, um alright, so where do you live?” Yongguk replied awkwardly.

            “The apartments right next to the park actually”

            “All right, then let’s go” opening the door to his apartment and letting the boy out, “So…” Yongguk said awkwardly as they began their walk to Junhong’s apartment.

            “I’m terrible at small talk,” Junhong (not so) mentally noted.

            “Unfortunately I am too, so I guess our relationship will be forever plagued with awkward silences”

            “I guess” Junhong said through a laugh.

            “I won’t mind if you don’t mind”

            “What kind of a deal is that?”

            “A fair one?”

            “Hm…all right, deal then” Junhong smiled for what seemed to be the umpteenth time that day. And when Junhong smiled, Yongguk found a smile forming on his own. The boy’s happiness was contagious. He made a mental note of trying to make the boy laugh more often.

            “Which complex?” He said as they approached the park area.

            “404” Junhong mumbled.

            “Where is that?” Yongguk laughed quietly, pulling the boy across the street.

            “It should be directly across the park, I think, I usually just cross the street to get to it”

            “Mkay” Yongguk hummed, as he approached the building, noting the ‘404’ engraved on right side of the double doors, followed by a few brail dots.  “Give me the key?”

            Junhong handed the older male his walking stick. “They’re connected, the boxy one opens the front door”

            “Got it” fumbling with the two keys, eventually Yongguk gets the front door open. “And what floor and number?”

            “4D”

            “What’s up with the 4s?” Yongguk asked as the duo approached the elevator”

            “Dunno” Junhong simply replied, shrugging. “Just cuz, I guess 4s like me”

            “4s are chill, I like 8s better though” the older male commented.

            Junhong chuckled silently, “Speaking of 4s, D is the fourth apartment to the right”

            Yongguk gave a quick nod as the elevator came to a stop, turning right; he is met with a rather gray, depressing looking corridor. He resists the urge to make comments about the appearance of Junhong’s apartment building. “And here we are, D, the round key?”

            “Yep”

            Yongguk fiddled with the key and doorknob, before opening it and letting Junhong through. The older man in the mean time takes a minute to take in his surroundings. Half of him marveled at the cleanliness of the place, the other half of him  wasn’t the least bit surprised. It suit Junhong, actually, the apartment was exactly what Yongguk had envisioned it to be. Immaculately clean, impossibly well kept, Yongguk found his legs taking themselves to the boy’s room, a large, simple bed and plain gray walls with a few bits and pieces of furniture to fill the space. “Hey Junhong, do you have a dog or something?”

            “That’s so ing stereotypical” Junhong said, pressing the play button on his stereo. He knew his place inside and out, after all, he’s spent the past two years of his life familiarizing himself with his surroundings and mastering his ways without sight. A sigh of relief and contentment left the blonde’s mouth as the beat reverberated throughout his home. That was made him feel at home, just his music and him, and well, with a stranger-ish man in his bedroom. “But I don’t have one, I’m allergic”

            “Oh… I see” Yongguk returned to the living room where he found Junhong laying comfortably across the couch.

            “My parents tried getting me one, but I didn’t want to spent the rest of my life replying on some allergy pills to suppress drowsiness and whatever else that accompanies allergies“

            “I get you” Yongguk walked awkwardly towards the boy. “Do you have a phone?”

            “What kind of a question is that? This is the 21^st century after all”

            “Well I don’t know what-“ Yongguk stopped himself before he could say anything offensive.

            “Blind people do” the blonde finished, “I get it, and you don’t have to hold back around me, I can take it” Junhong shrugged before reaching for the phone on the coffee table. “I don’t usually take it around with me, because well… no one ever calls” he said quiet nonchalantly.

            “I’ll call” Yongguk said suddenly, earning a questionable raise of the eyebrow from the younger male.

            “Knock yourself out” Junhong reached out with a hand, almost immediately, Yongguk takes the device into his hands. “It works by voice command, so I can use it” Junhong explained as Yongguk fumbled with the phone, adding his number before sending a text to himself so he could get the boy’s.

            “Well, I’ll call you up sometime, I put the name as Gukkie~” the older male said before placing the cellular device into the boy’s hands. “Call me whenever!” the older man let out a quick grin then letting himself out of the apartment, before Junhong could even reply, leaving Junhong with an amused smirk on his face. Junhong continued to at the door long after it closed, body and mind still in shock from the events of the day.

            For a week, Yongguk doesn’t leave his phone for more than a couple of minutes. Part of him was absolutely dying to call the blonde boy, who seemed to be so close and yet so out of reach, the other part of him, the slightly stronger, more stubborn part of him wanted Junhong to break and call first.

            For a week, Junhong finds himself checking the battery on his phone every hour, charging it whenever it hit under eighty-percent. After a week, he was damn tired of that robot voice calling out the time and the phrase, fully charged. But Yongguk had told him that he would call sometime soon right? So why wasn’t he? Junhong was perfectly aware of the fact that the older male’s voice was just a voice command and a few dialing digits away. So why was it so hard to admit to himself that he wanted to spend time with the aspiring rapper? Junhong blamed it on ego; he simply wanted the satisfaction of knowing that Yongguk needs him as much as he needs the older male. So he holds out in his apartment, braces the loneliness of the empty space of just his music and him, until Yongguk breaks. “This is so stupid” he voiced out one Saturday night. “He doesn’t need you, you’re a liability, you’re so damn smug about yourself that you can’t even understand that he is perfectly capable of making friends and he doesn’t need someone like you.” The self-criticism continued as the blonde abandoned his phone for the night, opting to cranking up his stereo to the max.

            Because the neighbors for just this one night.         

            “Rhythm is life, life is a rhythm,” Junhong found himself humming along to the beat as his mind wondered off into the abyss of self-loath.

            Junhong d at the coffee table desperately for his laptop, opening the device, he his lips nervously, it was happening again.

            His mind seemed to move at a thousand miles an hour during nights like these. The voices urging him to type away, to write, to speak his mind, whether he will be hear is an inane issue. What matter was that he needed an outlet. And the keyboard was the only way he could let the voices speak.

            Are you good enough? Is the commonly asked notion,

            Will you ever be good enough is the legitimate question

            They can count your positives with the fingers of one hand

            And your imperfections always seem to grow and never seem to end

            Trapped by society’s guidelines

            Made useless by hopeless expectations

            If we’re the new generation, then ha, consider this a reality check

            Get with the program with a couple of quick little smacks

            The future as it stands is bleak as

            “For all you cheesy clowns, for all you media pets” He hummed to the beat, fingers tapping away at a couple of brailed keys.

            What are you waiting for? Stand up and scream!

            Every new generation is a chance for change

            Gotta learn the hard way life that isn’t always filled with sugar and cream

            Do what you love and love what you do

            With a syringe in hand inject the world

            “This is a new era, don’t get it twisted,” he mumbled under his breath.

            “Desolate is the future

            Bleak is the world

            Watch as I fall into the abyss of the mind

            Into a limbo, never to rise again

            Change is slow to come by

            My soul and spirit died while waiting”

            Did he really believe in his own lyrics? Or was he as much of a hypocrite as everyone else? Junhong shook his head in a symbolic attempt to rid of the negative thoughts. They never left.

            The clacking of keys broke the blonde’s concentration. Alerted, his attention flashes to his front door. “Who’s there?” he shouted.

            “It’s just me, Junhong, calm down, I’m not a or a murder or something,…” a familiar voice replied, soon after, Junhong hears the squeaking of the doors and creaking of the floor boards.

            “How did you get in?” the blonde asked before casually closing the top of his laptop.

            “I asked the super for the key, and honestly I was surprised he gave me the spare so easily”

            “He doesn’t give a ,” no one does, he kept that thought to himself, mumbling a few incoherent phrases before turning down the stereo considerably. “What are you doing here? You could’ve called.”

            “I could’ve” the brunette admitted, “I wanted to… but I thought if I was going to make an effort, I’d much rather see your face” Yongguk replied earnestly before taking a seat next to the younger male. “I heard your rap”

            “….I see…” The younger of the two could feel the tension building in the air, he hadn’t exactly rapped about the most optimistic of things. Who could blame him? It was one of those days.

            “You’re really good” Yongguk commented, “but your stuff is mad depressing…. Do you actually… um believe that?”

            “….I don’t know anymore”

            Yongguk swallowed the sight, the genuine confusion and hurt in the boy’s voice almost craved a scar into his heart. “Does it hurt?” the voice that came out was no more than a quiet creak.

            Junhong scoffed in response, “you know, hyung, sometimes you ask the dumbest of questions”

            The older male caught it, the flickering of watery eyes in the blonde’s orbs and immediately, and he pulled the limp body into an embrace. “I should’ve called sooner, I’m sorry,” he said as soon as he realized that he could’ve done something to prevent the angel’s tears.

            “Damn right you should’ve” Junhong allowed himself to melt into the elder male’s protective embrace, face muffled into Yongguk’s chest, his fist tighten as his knuckles began to turn white.

            “Sorry… my ego got in the way”

            “…. Mine did too.” Junhong said, voice barely above a whisper, it wasn’t exactly a thing he liked admitting, mostly because it made him feel vulnerable as . A feeling that he sure as hell didn’t like.

            “Let’s make a pack ne?” Yongguk pushed the younger male from his embrace and stared into his unseeing orbs. Junhong responded by biting his lips nervously before giving a slight nod, silently urging the older male to proceed. “We’ll call each other whenever we need each other”

            Junhong scoffed at the brunette’s proposal. “You know, for a moment there, I thought you’d come up with some grandeur scheme that would end both of our sufferings, but Bang Yongguk, boy have I overestimated you” he joked before leaping off the couch and backing away from his presence.

            “Ya, you come back here you little-” Yongguk cut himself off before jumping from his seated position to chase after the fleeting boy. “Junhongah, don’t hurt yourself now, you should just surrender to the almighty Bang Yongguk hyung”

            “Never!” with fingers tracing the walls serving as his guide, Junhong swiftly navigates to his room only to be suddenly tackled onto a fluffy mattress. “Hey! That’s so unfair, how is a blind person suppose to run away from a perfectly functioning human being?” he whined, trying to pry himself from the older male’s seemingly iron grip.

            “You brought this upon yourself Junhongah” Yongguk teased, before bringing his hands gently over the boy’s sides.

            “Ya! STOP IT, THAT TICKLES”

            Yongguk could only laugh as the body beneath him writhed and wiggled to escape his hands. “I think that’s the first time I’ve heard you shout,” he noted before continuing his movements.

            “Hyung, ahhaha, please, ah, stop, it” the younger managed to choke out through gasps of air.

            “Hmmmm I don’t think so”

            “Please, hyungggg” Junhong whined, continuing to wiggle helplessly from the older male’s inflicted tickle torture.

            “Hmmm… since you’re being so polite about it” finally, Yongguk stopped, pulling his hands away from the boy’s sides and wrapped them around his shoulders. He could feel the boy’s thumping heart beneath him. He listened to the younger’s heartbeat; it was rhythmic, impossibly soothing. He could listen to it all night long if Junhong allowed him to.

            When the heavy breathing slowed down and Junhong’s panting returned to normal breathing sounds, Yongguk planted a chaste kiss on the boy’s bleached locks before pulling himself off the limp figure.

            “You’re a jerk,” Junhong mumbled through a pout. “I’m really ticklish”

            “I’ll make sure to make a mental note of that, it’s better than blackmail” Yongguk joked back, already missing the younger boy’s warmth.

            “Jerk” Junhong spat before lifting his body from the mattress and heading for the couch again. “Can we go out? I haven’t left this house for the past week, I feel like I’m rotting away” he admitted.

            “Anything for you princess, but do you know where you want to go?”

            “Hm, well, loyal servant, I want ice-cream”

            “Ya! Loyal servant?” Yongguk huffed in feigned anger.

            “Well you called me princess” Junhong simply replied before grabbing his walking stick. “Come on, ice cream is waiting”

            “Yes ma’am” Yongguk slipped a hand around the boy’s freed one, and headed for the door. “I guess you’re really still a kid” the mental note ended up slipping past his lips.

            “Huh? What? Grown ups can’t eat ice cream?”

            “Well, uhm, no, just-”

            “I just want something sweet in my life that’s all”

            The sorrow in Junhong’s voice stabbed at Yongguk’s heart. He could quite literally feel bits of his heart shattering. What perplexed him about the younger boy was that such depressing and pessimistic phrases could roll off his tongue while his expression remains stoic and unchanging. It was then that Yongguk realized the hardship in the boy’s life. In a span of two years, the boy’s disability and the cruel world around him have managed to strip him of his childhood and innocent. The boy that stood before him was an angel without a doubt, but he was an angel that was jaded, infected with the disease plaguing the world. Yongguk swallowed the growing lump in his constricted throat. “Well if it makes you feel any better, my life too… New Stardom just rejected me even though I was the perfect rapper they had been searching for, apparently I wasn’t so perfect ”

            “No, that doesn’t make me feel any better” Junhong noted drily. “But…” he began, in a deep breath, “do you still have faith?”

            “I don’t know Junhongah, I don’t know”

            “I have faith in you” he blurted out all of the sudden, feeling his cheeks heat up slightly in embarrassment.

            “I’m glad to hear that Junhongah, seriously, I appreciate it”

            “You don’t sound very convincing right now,”

            “I’m sure I don’t” Yongguk chuckled bitterly before instinctively pulling the boy closer to him as they crossed the street. “All I want to know is what I’m lacking you know? I need to know if my looks are so bad that they can’t even work with this” he said as he gestured at his visage, unsure of why he was making hand gestures next to a blind boy.

            “Like I said, I think you’re very… um… attractive” the younger male could feel a raging blush coming on, but nonetheless, he continued, “It’s just not the right time…don’t give up”

            “Then when is the right time you know? Junhongah, as much as I want to believe you, I don’t know how much longer I can take this… I should probably just find a more legitimate career to pursue, you know I placed first place in my second year of high school, maybe I can become a teacher or something” he joked bitterly.

            That’s when Junhong stopped dead in his tracks, almost yanking the older male to a halt. “Don’t.” It was one word muttered from the boy’s lips that sent shivers down Yongguk’s spine. He nodded drily feeling the blonde’s grip tighten around his hand. “Don’t you dare say that,” Junhong choked back a sob.

            “What?” Yongguk whispered back as his brows furrowed in confusion. 

             “Because you can still dream, you can still pursue your dream, do you even understand what I would give for that?” Yongguk mentally slapped himself for being a total bag. “Do you… even know what I would give for one chance?” He repeated, swallowing back sobs as tears escape from his unseeing eyes. “So, so long as you have your damn sight and your voice don’t you even dare considering giving up on your dream. And when you do feel like throwing in the towel, just remember there are so many people willing to kill or do worse things to get what you have right now” Junhong his lips, contemplating his next move. He could sense it Yongguk wasn’t convince, he might be feeling pity, but he wasn’t convinced. “I want you to listen to something” He whispered, pulling out his MP3 from his pocket. “Play track three” he spoke into a headphone before shoving the device into the older male’s hands.

            Yongguk gave a silent nod before putting in the two headphones. The beat picked up and continued, it was a song he was unfamiliar with, completely in English, suddenly he awfully thankful of the English lessons he had received as a student and trainee.

            Hold your head high, You will survive

            Don't let em doubt you, There's nothing you can't do

            I believe we'll succeed Don't ever let em doubt you

            You're making your dreams come true

            The older male swallowed the lyrics word by word, contemplated their meaning. Junhong was listening to Yongguk’s breathing intensively, literally hearing the older male’s thoughts.

            I never said that I was the best at really anything

            And my intentions - well that speaks for itself

            See I fell so many times that I remember slow motion

            What its like to have the chance to recapture all of my dreams again

            I guess its why that I speak easily seize a pen

            Breathe freely when beats weave at a key event

            And that's just part of my culture my connotation

            My respect for different genres that empowers generations of artists

            that were taught to be quiet but never thought of it

            And Singers, rap, actors or dancers were never targeted

            And this might fly over the heads of those who missed it

            But for years this platform that we have was non existent

            Much love to Anna May Wong and those who did it

            Of course Bruce who shattered the rules of a leading actor

            And now its after - the chapters now upon us

            Believe in yourself and there is nothing you can't accomplish

            “Believe in yourself and there is nothing you can’t accomplish” Yongguk repeated automatically. For Junhong those words were like music to his ears. Despite mispronunciations here and there, it was the fact that Yongguk himself said them that made them important, worthwhile and not just some waste of breath.

            I used to worry bout my image when I got personal

            Making sure my flows were dope in every syllable

            And I was taught that as a rapper I was limited

            To the topics I could speak on - cash, girls or a mix of both

            And it was crazy that It didn't come to me sooner

            That our craft was being barely represented

            And so I vented through any tracklist like I needed it

            If I can't change the game then I will sleep in it

            And I will write from sunrise until the evening

            In hopes that my words could touch another soul

            And maybe that's you, sitting by the negatives

            A bunch of negativity and questions bout your relevance

            I'm here to tell you that you're beautiful and talented

            And don't call it quits just cause it ain't happen yet

            A million 'likes' doesn't tell me who you are

            But a star is represented by the passion in they heart

            “I’m here to tell you that you’re beautiful and talented, and don’t call it quits just cause it ain’t happen yet” Junhong repeated when he thought the verse had come to a close. It was song basically engraved into his mind; he found it easy to keep track of the verses as they went by with the help of Yongguk’s repeating certain phrases here and there.

            “Wow…” Yongguk’s words seem to fail him, as the beat came to a stop and his gaze shifted from Junhong to the MP3 in his hand and back.

            “I know, I couldn’t have written a song to better suit your situation” Junhong flashed a gentle smile as the device was placed into his hands. “Gowe ft. Paul Kim, Chasing Us, I suggest you listen to it… whenever you feel down and whenever I’m…”

            “Whenever you’re not around to tell me it…” Yongguk let out a deep sigh. He couldn’t quite tell if it was because of happiness or relief. “Just…” he sighed again, staring at the angel of a boy who was lacking so much and at the same time, gave so much. “Just… come here…” He practically grunted before pulling the boy into an embrace. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you”

            Junhong’s unseeing eyes widened at the words being mumbled against his bleached locks. Slowly but surely he relaxed into the older male’s grip. Despite the thumping of his heart and the spiraling feeling of discomfort in the pit of his stomach, he felt at home. 

Author's Note 

anything in italics are lyrics that i wrote owo

anything in quotes/blue are song lyrics 

" Rhythm is life, life is a rhythm" - Rhythm is Life (느낌 So Good) (될 대로 되라고 해) - Gaeko 

"For all you cheesy clowns, for all you media pets" -  훔쳐 (Rob It)  - Dok2 Feat.Double K

 “This is a new era, don’t get it twisted,”- Remix of '느낌 So Good' by Zico, Ugly Duck and Crush 

finally the song listed is Gowe ft. Paul Kim- Chasing Us => underrated as kkkkkkk errbody support Gowe <3