Author's Note

finally update XD went to B.A.P liveonearth in nyc. sorta died. read my rant on tumblr if u wish

aiqingfangbukai.tumblr.com

translates to >> can't let go of love/romance (yes... im chinese) 

He blinks, droplets dripping from his unseeing eyes, surprising even himself.

            The angel was crying.

            For the first time in God knows how long, he cried. He choked back sob after sob.

            He felt pity, self-loath, an emotion he hasn’t experienced since the initial lose of his eyesight. “It hurts,” he mumbles, clutching at his heart. He didn’t know what about the other man made him this way. Maybe it was his voice. Maybe it was because it was because it was the first real conversation he’s held with another human being since the beginning of his ordeals. Whatever it was, he felt just like crying. So he cried, giving in into his emotions. He let loose, sobbing quietly, face pressed against the cold metal chains.

            Sometimes life just felt so unfair.

            No you don’t

            The stranger’s words repeated in his mind.

            It shocked him. Those words reverberated through the air; they haunted is soul. He silently wondered if the stranger was some kind of a God sent messenger, perhaps to make his life easier. Perhaps, it seemed more likely, that he was sent to cause him even greater suffering.

            Because the stranger spoke the absolute truth, he wanted his companion to speak to him. He wanted to converse. Humans were after all, social creatures, and he was indeed, human.

            He wanted, no, he needed a friend.

            Maybe it was that very thought that brought tears into his eyes.

            Maybe it was years of pent up emotions.

            Maybe it was the stranger’s voice.

            “Maybe… it was his voice” the boy didn’t need to hear more, once the stranger spoke he knew. He knew the musical talent in the other’s voice. It emitted confidence, tone, rhythm that was essential in the career of any rapper. He was willing to bet on the success of the other male. “It’s his voice,” the boy concludes. It made him feel inferior. It just made life seemed that much more unfair.

He shakes away the thoughts, slowly rising from the stationary swing and drifts away back to the abyss of his home.

“Hey angel, where you at?” Yongguk hums quietly, feels the grass tickling his neck. It ‘s been two days since he met the boy.

And since then his life has been a mess.

But for the first time, he felt like he had a purpose.

The boy gave him an incredible amount of inspiration and more importantly, motivation to continue. “You only have one shot…” he mumbles “One opportunity…” Yongguk suddenly kips up, landing on both feet in a fluid moment. It winds him slightly, knocking out the air in his lungs. “Get your head out of the gutter” he ruffles his own hair as a symbolic gesture of following his own lyrics, his own advice.

The blonde wonders the streets with no destination in mind, but not without purpose.

He takes a glance around his surroundings, and chuckles. He’d be lying if he said that he was surprised. He gazes into the familiar park, now home to more than mere childhood memories. He wonders towards the swings, as if he felt some magnetic attraction toward the worn metallic chains.

But what he was surprised by was the fragile figure leaning against the motionless swings. He feels his mouth drying as a lump began to form in his throat. He stares at the boy, motionless, speechless, almost baffled to a point of being unable to think coherently.

“…if you’re just going to watch… I prefer you take a picture and stare at that” Yongguk was taken back by the bitter comment. The usually soft and gentle voice was filled with resentment and simple dislike.

“I just wanted to apologize…”

“Then do it”

“I’m sorry if I offended you in any way…”

Yongguk stares at the silent figure, wishing, praying that the boy would forgive him. Say anything to break that dominating silence. But he doesn’t, and Yongguk can only sigh in defeat. I guess I’m really going to hell for offending an angel. He turns around to leave, but something stops him in his tracks. Slowly, he turns around, his lips nervously. “What’s your name?”

The question comes as a surprise for both of them.

“Junhong, Choi Junhong” the answer surprises the both them even more.

“Nice to meet you Junhong, I’m Bang Yongguk” he says, bowing silently to the turned figure. They had exchanged greetings without truly facing one another, without truly acknowledging the mutual bond they shared.

            Junhong doesn’t why he answered, hell, he didn’t even know why he was in the park, sitting on the swings for the third day in a row.

            All he knew was that he had visited a place, he once hated for three days in a row, for a reason he doesn’t quite want to admit.

            He wanted, no hoped to meet the stranger once again, because in truth, he wasn’t offended. But he wanted to come across as if he were. It’s confusing, the contradicting actions he was taking, but Junhong didn’t, couldn’t, do anything to stop them. He his chapped lips nervously, the rational part of him wanted to push the other as far away as possible, wanted to shove the stranger into the abyss that was now home to countless old friends and previously loved family members. But the social, human part of him wanted that bond, that connection with another human being, more particularly, with a human being that shared his common interests.

            He could feel his heart thumping loudly against his chest as he sense the presence of another. Junhong didn’t quite understand how he knew it was the same stranger from two days ago. But he just did, like a baby who knows their mother without any previous knowledge.

            Junhong sighs in frustration; everything is just so ed up. The stranger sure as hell didn’t make things any easier. It was times like these that he realized how hard it actually was to be a social being. Sure, he was an outgoing, teenager, perfectly normal. Had he continue as normal, he wouldn’t have realized just how hard living in society was, his shoulders slump at the thought.

            “Now I feel guilty….” He mumbles under his breath.          

            It was only now that the boy began to get a grasp of what the stranger was going through. Up until now, he had only thought he knew what the stranger, Bang Yongguk, was going through.

            Maybe he shouldn’t have snapped at the older male.

            Maybe he should’ve tried harder to comfort the suffering being.

            Maybe he shouldn’t have pulled the pity card.

            All these things made him feel like an awful person.

            Junhong, of all people, should have been able to understand. He knew the process better than anyone else. He was taken in by TS entertainment at the age of 12. Hell, he knows first hand what the K-pop industry was all about.

            Looks, looks, looks and some more looks.

            Saying a company was sixty percent looks and forty percent talent was being generous. Talent came second to looks, and by the sound of it, the older male was considered to be lacking in the visual department.

            The industry was weird that like, Junhong had never considered himself to be attractive, but TS obviously saw something in him. He worked as a trainee for a year before the news of his eye disease broke out.

            The boy chuckles bitterly at the memory.
            The company threw him almost immediately, erased all records of a Choi Junhong in their books. As far as TS was concerned, Junhong was as good as dead.

            It was rough industry. That one-year wasn’t exactly a pleasant one. Faced with constant criticism, constant comments about your imperfection. You worked day and night to rid of those imperfections and when the company realizes that your imperfections are incorrigible or too prominent to go unnoticed, you get kicked out. Describing it as hard is a laughable understatement.

            And his half assed attempt to comfort the scarred male was just that, laughable.

            Junhong silently kicks himself for coming across as too insensitive, but decides against acting upon his feelings, his desire to chase after that Bang Yongguk. After all, he was a blind boy in a huge city, with nothing but a name to go on.

            He sighs bitterly. “I guess this is just another regret to put into my list”

            Tilting his head back, he imagines a blue cloudless sky, with sunrays showering over him, warming him down to the soul.

            A loud clap of thunder breaks his imagination.

            “Che. You can’t play alone for one second?” he muses as the claps of thunder grow louder and more frequent. He imagines the darkening skies, the gloomy clouds rolling in, the flashes of lightning, the beauties of nature that had been so gruesomely ripped away from him. He makes no attempt to move away from the awe-inspiring vision. Junhong wanted to feel the rain clap against his skin, just to make sure that he was still here, alive, breathing, feeling.

            Soon enough, large rain drops splash against his alabaster skin, wetting gently and slowly his hair and clothes. He smiles gently as he tilts his head backward, enjoying the droplets trickling down. He feels, really feels the phenomenon. He enjoys the cotton sticking to his small frame. He takes in the smell of the rain. He blinks away the droplets that have entered his unseeing orbs.

            Junhong has always believed that it always rains for a reason. And this storm, he took as a sign of God’s tears, weeping over the grievances of the so-called Bang Yongguk. And his sitting through the storm would be his punishment.

            The boy fiddles with his own fingers, hazy gray orbs flickering over the twirling thumbs, imaging what the scene would be like.

            Suddenly the raindrops stop their relentless attack. For a moment Junhong believes that it’s over, but judging by the splashing sounds beside him, it has not. He glances around him, rain sound overwhelming his sensitive hearing. “You shouldn’t sit in the rain,” a familiar voice mumbles.

            “Wh…what?” the younger boy stutters, unable to wrap his mind around the situation. He turns his head towards the sound, without a doubt, the voice belonged to Yongguk himself.

            “Come on, let’s go” Yongguk says gently, blinking away the droplets that trickled down his face. His right hand hovered in front, bolstering an umbrella that sheltered the young boy. It didn’t matter to him that he was getting wet, granted, he absolutely hated getting wet, this time, he didn’t mind. The boy in front of him was an entity that he just had to, by some inexplicable reason, protect.

            As much as Junhong wanted to move, he couldn’t, his body remained immobile, still as a statue, he stared at the figure, who was, presumably, hovering over him.

            “Ne~” Yongguk muses at the boy, who was cutely staring up towards him. “Come on, let’s get you out of the rain” He says gently, furrowing his brows as the boy before him showed no signs of movement.

            Gently, the older male grasps the thin wrist of the boy. With barely any force, he tugs on the arm, as if he were afraid the boy before him would come apart if he applied any more force.

            Junhong could only stare at the hand around his wrist, the one that radiated warmth throughout his entire soul. It has been so long since any other human being willingly touched him. Hell, he couldn’t even remember what any sort of skinship felt like. It brought a smile to his face. Uncontrollable, just like his emotions these days.

            Yongguk felt an involuntary smile creeping up onto his visage. He felt his heart warming at the sight of a smiling angel. He couldn’t pinpoint what attracted him toward the boy, like an object trapped in some gravitational pull; the older male couldn’t shake loose the feelings that rushed to the surface. Ever so gently, he pulls Junhong up to a standing position, pulling the boy under his embrace. Swinging his arm across the younger’s shoulders, he tilts the rather small umbrella over the quivering boy.

            “You’re wet…” Junhong mumbles.

            “Haha.. yea I guess I am” Yongguk chuckles awkwardly.

            “It’s because of me isn’t it?” Junhong asks, turning his gaze towards the source of the warmth that enveloped both his soul and body.

            “Don’t…” Yongguk mumbles gently, before turning his gaze towards the inquiring boy. Those eyes. He swallows nervously. The boy was taller than he anticipated, almost taller than he. But that didn’t change the fact that he was just a boy, in need of someone. Yongguk was willing to be that someone. “Let’s get out of the rain,” he says, allowing his arm to fall from the younger’s shoulders.

            Junhong almost whimpers at the loss of heat, almost. But the pout that formed on his face didn’t go unnoticed. Smiling gently, Yongguk wraps his hand around the younger’s, not daring to intertwine their fingers, not wanting to push the other away.

            They walk extraordinarily slowly; palm pressed against palm, in such a way that Junhong couldn’t have but smile and happily follow Yongguk to wherever he was leading him.

            They remained silent during their walk through the rain, until the older male comes to a complete stop.

            “It’s a bit late to ask, but where am I?” Junhong asks as Yongguk frees his hand from their hold. He hears the closing of an umbrella, fiddling of keys, and finally, the opening of a door.

            “Well, this might be creepy, but… uh…” Yongguk stutters, realizing just how crazy he was being right now. He was bringing a stranger to his apartment. Well, he certainly didn’t mind, but the fragile being before him was another story.

            “Where?” Junhong butts in, knowing full and well that this Yongguk had taken him to his place of residence.

            “Ah just follow me” He mumbles, before grabbing the younger’s hand and gently tugs the boy along.

            A short walk and an awkward elevator ride later, the duo arrived at their destination. “Make yourself at home I guess, uh… I’ll get you a change of clothes if you want?” Yongguk mentally slaps himself for coming across as a pushy, e, but only manages to awkwardly chuckle.

            “I would highly appreciate that,” the younger boy mumbles, fiddling with his fingers, unsure of where to stand, where to go and what to do.

            “Okay, here” Yongguk smiles gently and guides the unseeing boy towards the restroom, “just wait here and I’ll fetch you some clothes” Junhong tugs at the bottom of his drenched shirt, somehow, he had managed to get it even more wet during their journey to the other male’s apartment. Slowly, he peels the article of clothing from his main frame.

            “Junhongah~” Yongguk chimes, “Oh, uh I’m sorry, here you go” he feels his face redden at the sight of the younger’s bare chest. The fact that Junhong was cluelessly, cutely, staring back at him didn’t calm his raging blush. Shoving the articles of clothing into the chest of the smaller boy, he mumbles some incoherent apologies before turning around and closing the door behind him, letting out a sigh of relief that that mini ordeal was over. Yongguk begins to tend to his own state. Lazily, he tosses the wet t-shirt and sweats into the ever-growing pile of dirty laundry, before pulling on a sweatshirt and some shorts. Apparently he had given his last pair of clean sweats to Junhong.

            “Um…” a voice behind him snaps him from his dazed state, immediately he whips around.

            “…” Yongguk just stands there, absolutely captivated. Holy . If his heart wasn’t already ed up, the angel in front of him threatened to stop its irregular beating for forever. 

            Junhong awkwardly stands there, wet clothes in hand, dressed, hopefully, correctly, in the elder’s clothes. They were quite big on him despite the fact that they were nearly the same height. After all, he doesn’t get all that much exercise, and judging by the size of Yongguk’s clothes, Yongguk most likely works out. “Um… where do I put these?”

            “Ah… um I’ll take those and put them in the dry for you” Yongguk quickly grabs the soaking pieces of clothing and dumps them in the dryer. “Junhong” he mumbles quietly before shuffling towards the younger boy’s still frame. “You have to tie…” his voice drifts off into silence, as his fingers loop around the younger’s drawstrings, pulling them tighter on his thin frame, knotting a perfect bow.

            Junhong on the other hand had no clue what was going on, all his senses seemed to fail him. He could feel the hem of his sweats dropping lower and lower by the second, then he felt them magically tightening. “Um… Yongguk… I think I can…” His face flushes with embarrassment as he realized what was happening.

            “I’m done, don’t worry” Yongguk flashes a gummy smile. “Now, come on, I’ll take you to the sofa” he says gently before placing his hands on the younger male’s shoulders and gently pushing him along, guiding him to the center of the living room. The duo sinks down on the piece of old furniture. Now what?

            “Um... thank you” Junhong mumbles quietly beneath his breath, he fiddles with the hem of his borrowed shirt in an attempt to calm his racing heart.

            “Ah no problem” the elder replies softly before reaching for the TV remote, in an attempt to relieve the awkwardness.

            “Could you play some music? If it’s not too much to ask” the voice stops Yongguk dead in his tracks. He pauses, mentally slaps himself for even thinking about turning on the TV.

            “Sure, anything specific?”

            “Anything you like…” Junhong mumbles, he absolutely hated awkward silence. Given his state, his usual social conversations were filled with just that, endless awkward silence. And right now, he preferred any type of music to stark silence and meaningless small talk.

            “Hmmmm” the boy hears the Yongguk humming, searching through what he presumed to be a pile of CDs.

            “Ah…” Junhong smiles as the beat picks up, he recognizes it immediately.
            “Sorry, I ended up picking something upbeat”

            “No, upbeat is nice.”

            “Good” Yongguk sighs before sinking down onto the opposite end of the sofa. “Do you like it?”

            “What? Oh” Junhong pauses, finding himself getting lost in the rhythm of the song. “Ah yeah, I do, I’m a big fan of Crucial Star”

            “Oh really? Same here, I loved him from the start, he deserves so much more attention though” the very thought of man’s career saddened him. Compared to other k-pop rappers, he was so much more. He appreciated music to a degree k-pop just couldn’t possibly grasp. And he paid for his representation of music with compromised popularity.

            “Well, yeah, that’s what happens when you try to do things your own way. He chose not to follow the mold, he chose to remain true to hip hop, I have to commend him for that” Junhong smiles bitterly, instantly grasping the feelings of his companion.

            “Exactly” it was quite scary actually, how the younger seemed to share Yongguk’s thoughts. It was frightening how similar the two were. It was as if, they were two parts of a whole, connected by some spiritual link, in which all of their thoughts were shared. “How old are you?”

            “Sixteen”

            Yongguk swears he is going to hell. “Ah I see, I’m 19” he replies nonetheless.

            “You sound older” Junhong replies plainly without given the statement a second of more thought.
            “I guess, I sort of sound like an old man don’t I?” Yongguk scratches his head nervously; chuckling at the younger’s blunt comment.

            “Yea, but it’s not a bad thing per say. I think it’s quite beneficial in the industry, you know like T.O.P is known for his voice”

            “I guess… but it’s really… ah…” he finds himself stuttering. “I guess but T.O.P has the looks to pull it off” Yongguk ends up sulking at the reality of the statement.

            Junhong shifts from his position, inching towards the older man. He senses the change in tone in Yongguk’s voice. “Are you saying that… you’re lacking in looks?” He chooses his words carefully, before reaching out.

            Yongguk could only sit nervously as alabaster arms reach towards him. He swallows a large lump as fingertips tap against his forehead. He clenches his eyes shut.

            “Relax” Junhong mumbles, quietly, before allowing his fingertips to run across Yongguk’s visage. He traces every inch of the skin there; painting a mental image of he thought the male would look like.

            Slowly but surely, Yongguk allow his eyes to open, only to regret the decision to do so. He was greeted Junhong’s concentrated/serious face. He could watch mesmerized, as the younger’s brows furrowed and fingers gently roamed around his visage.

            “Well, I don’t think that’s the case” Junhong says firmly before allowing his hands to fall back to his side.

            “Wh-what?”

            “I think you’re quite good looking” Junhong says blatantly, without processing the words. As soon as the syllables left his mouth, his face flushed with embarrassment. Instinctively, the boy inches backward, away from what he imagined to be a scrutinizing gaze by the elder.

            “Ahaha… thank you Junhongah~” Yongguk flashes a smile that affected even the unseeing, Junhong could feel his heart warming all of the sudden, even though he couldn’t quite see the smile, he could imagine. “But the companies sure don’t think so…”

            “Don’t give up….” Junhong replies shyly, head bowing slightly downwards.

            “I’m trying… I’m really trying” Yongguk inches closer, tilting his head in an angle such he that could get a good look at the angel before him.

            Is it real love?

            Is it real love?

            Both heads snap up in surprise as a flush of embarrassment overwhelms their senses.

            As if on cue…

Note 

LOL it's like im using this fic to rant out my kpop industry feels x_x

btws Real Love- Crucial Star check it out.

legit fan of him XD