Baekhyun was just putting the finishing touches on his mashed potato masterpiece when the door flew open and in blew a frenzied Sehun. He hadn't seen the younger boy all day, not that he'd really paid attention. He'd been super busy, what with class, a coffee run, juggling club, finger painting club (where he'd had an unfortunate run-in with a familiar, and still-so-very terrifying giant of a man), another coffee run, a trip to the dry cleaners (his Black Widow costume wasn't going to clean itself), a library visit to get the book So He's Weird and You're Hot and He Doesn't Seem to Get the Come Hither Vibes You're Sending, a long chat with Junmyeon about how concerning the severity of his twisted was, and finally, a good hour and a half finishing up his mashed potato sculpture of Brad Pitt. He hardly had time to keep up with what kinds of strange things his freshman roommate (and okay, most-of-the-time close friend) was getting himself into. If Kyungsoo wasn't worried, Baekhyun sure wasn't going to bother.

The younger boy sprawled out on the bed Baekhyun was leaning against, and leaned in close to the other boy's ear. "Guess what a little birdie told me," Sehun breathed.

Baekhyun flinched away. "Never do that," he snapped.

"So this little birdie told me something interesting."

"What." Baekhyun was hardly paying attention, focused entirely on admiring his completed spud creation.

"So, apparently, Kai thinks he's the Love Guru or some ."

Baekhyun laughed. "What the hell."

"Yeah, he's been telling his friends he's gonna hook them up with their soul mates or something. It promises to be really entertaining."

"I heard from Kyungsoo that Kai drunk dialed him, crying and talking about the Notebook. He probably dreamt that up after watching romance movies all night with Lay while hopped up on caffeine."

"Yeah."

"That stuff can make a person crazy."

"Yeah...," Sehun mused, looking over the empty coffee cups that littered various surfaces in the room.

"Wait a second." Baekhyun dropped his digital camera, which he'd been using to snap pictures of the mashed potato sculpture, and narrowed his eyes in thought.

"Hm?"

"Kai's friends... that he's planning on hooking up..."

A slow smile appeared on Sehun's lips. "Yeah."

"...Chanyeol wasn't one of them, was he?"

"Actually, yeah, I think I heard something like..." He drifted off, watching as Baekhyun jumped to his feet the instant "yeah" had left Sehun's lips and began shoving his shoes on. The brunet spitfire doubled back to snatch up his half-full cup of coffee, and then bolted out the door. Sehun wasted no time in following him out.

Baekhyun set a swift pace, barrelling down the hall toward Chanyeol's dorm room. His palpable rage had people stepping aside to make way for him. This was clearly a man on a mission. He arrived at Chanyeol's door soon enough, and pounded on the door hard enough to shake the dry erase board affixed to it. Sehun came to a stop just behind Baekhyun and rocked on his heels, trying to ignore the curious eyes on them. Baekhyun pounded on the door a few more times and shouted Chanyeol's name again, but still received no response.

"Hey," a girl spoke up from a few doors down where she stood in her doorway, and all eyes shifted to her.

"What? Do you know where Chanyeol went?" Baekhyun demanded.

"Well, I think I remember him leaving with his boyfriend earlier."

"Excuse me? His WHAT?!"

"Kai's not his boyfriend," another girl said, appearing next to the first. Her roommate, most likely.

"Are you sure?" the first girl asked, turning to her. "I heard they ."

"I dunno, but I went on a date with Chanyeol last month, so..."

"Yeah?" Baekhyun snapped. "Well I'm pregnant and he's the father of my baby, so stay away from him!"

"But you're—"

"Would you break up a family?! Are you a HOMEWRECKER?!"

"I didn't—"

"Think of the BABY! Growing up without a father is TRAUMATIZING! What if little Chanyeol Junior grows up to be a commitment-phobic casanova! Are you going to take responsibility?!"

The girl was frozen, clearly at a loss as to how to deal with the irate brunet. The hallway was silent as everyone looked on. Sehun tried not to choke on his stifled laughter.

When Baekhyun realized he wasn't going to get an answer, he sighed heavily. "Whatever, I don't have time for this. I have a bone to pick with someone, and you people are totally useless." With that, he set off toward the stairs, Sehun hot on his heels. When Baekhyun felt someone's foot hit his shoe, he glanced back and shrieked at the sight of Sehun towering over him. Sehun halted his steps when the shorter did. "How long have you been following me?!"

"I'm always following you," Sehun smirked eerily.

"Okay. Weird. Why are you following me?"

The younger boy shrugged. "I used all my bandwidth for this week. Watching you have a psychotic break is the next best thing."

Baekhyun merely narrowed his eyes and took a long swig of the coffee that sat clutched in his hand. Then, he spun back around and hurried down the stairs.

"How dare he set up a taken man," Baekhyun grumbled angrily to himself as he headed toward the dorm common area.

"You guys aren't even dating!" Sehun pointed out, laughing.

"If you're going to follow me, keep your trap shut!"

"Or wha—"

"—So who's this birdie you found out about this from? Are you sure you weren't just eavesdropping? Maybe on Kai himself? Have you been stalking Kai now?" Sehun remained silent, and Baekhyun smiled smugly. Well, that shut him up.

The dorm lounge turned up nothing. The guys who had set up a game console to play there hadn't seen Chanyeol for a few hours. Next, he checked the music practice rooms, with the same unfortunate results. His next stop was Kai's apartment.

"Oh," Baekhyun panted, his breathing labored, "my god. So many. ing. Stairs."

"It's just two flights," Sehun laughed. "Shouldn't you be in slightly better shape with all that clubbing you do?"

"Whatever, Mr. Dance Major. Not all of us have time for strenuous exercise regimens." He straightened up from his bent position (where he'd spent the last couple of minutes catching his breath after having sprinted up the stairs to the third floor), and power-walked past some mingling students to pound on Kai's apartment door. When he still received no response, even after pounding on it another ten times, Baekhyun let out an enraged snarl and flailed against the door pathetically. The students staring at his pitiful display could it as far as he was concerned. Then again, he realized as he looked over at them, perhaps they'd prove more useful than the people earlier had. "You! Peasants!" Sehun rolled his eyes. Baekhyun had such phenomenal social skills. "Have you seen Chanyeol?"

"Who's that?" one guy asked.

"Park Chanyeol! He's friends with the demented Don Juan who lives here." He pounded the door he was leaning against for emphasis. "y, statuesque, Park Chanyeol?"

"Gangly, hyper, spastic?" Sehun added, trying to be helpful. Baekhyun's glare said clearly that he thought the opposite. Sehun raised his hands in a placating gesture. "Sorry, but accuracy is more helpful than wishful thinking."

Baekhyun just glared some more and turned back to the other students. "So have you seen him?"

A few of them shrugged. "Did you try his dorm?" a girl asked.

"Of course I ing tried his dorm! What do I look like, an idiot?"

"Well—"

"Sehun, keep talking and I'll saw your balls off with a rusty butter knife!" Sehun wasn't the only guy that winced at that.

"I think I saw Kai with two guys earlier," one guy said. "They were both stupidly tall. One of them was probably the guy you're looking for?"

"Two? Who were they with? Who else is—Oh dear mother ing God. Do you mean Kris Wu, by any chance?"

The guy shrugged. "I just know Kai because I live in the building and everyone knows that guy. But one of the dudes he was with was carrying a basketball?"

"Definitely Kris," Sehun supplied. "Well, unless it was Tao, but there's no reason Tao would be with Chanyeol and Kai, so..."

"Yeah, I got that, thanks, ," Baekhyun snapped.

"Don't be an just because you're crashing off your caffeine high."

Baekhyun just rolled his eyes and ignored him, calling out a thanks to the guy who had given him the tip about Kris before heading back to the stairs.

"Are you going to check Kris's dorm now?" Sehun asked, hurrying after Baekhyun. "I mean, you don't even know if they went back there. And that was earlier, you don't even know if Chanyeol's still with him. Or that Kris even knows where Chanyeol is. Maybe you should just text Tao first and see if he's with Kris? Or you could—"

Baekhyun stopped and spun around on his heel to look up at the younger boy and asked, "You're totally scared of Kris, aren't you?"

"...Aren't you?"

Baekhyun paused for a moment, puckering his lips as he thought on it. "Yeah, he's in' frightening." He turned back around and continued down the stairs. "I'm gonna look in the campus gym first, I guess. Chanyeol probably didn't get those y guns by playing video games."

"I've never seen any guns, and he wears a lot of sleeveless shirts for someone so twiggy."

"You know, word of advice, Pasty, sleep with one eye open tonight. You're getting on my last nerve. Just because you're jealous of his y—"

"Oh please, jealous? Of him? Now, Kai is—"

"Yes, yes, we all ing know. The whole ing world knows how much you're in love with Kai—"

"I'm not in love with him!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. You want to be him or whatever such nonsense. You'd probably skin him and wear him like a flesh suit or something if you could."

"Okay, that's kind of sick. Seriously, I just really admire him. Like, he's got these amazing moves, I don't even know how he moves like that. It's like his body was made for music or the music was made for his body and just I don't even know how to explain it exactly, he's just so freaking fluid and graceful and smooth and amazing and just ugh how does someone move like that?! And I mean, he's so great with people. He's got all these girls who want him and guys who love him and he's got this amazing hair and his smoldering eyes are just so aaggghhh and his smile and god, his lips—his ing lips—"

"—Okay, you need to stop right now before I gag. Your infatuation with him is unnerving, seriously. You thought the flesh suit thing was sick? You totally strike me as one of those people who would go to a plastic surgeon and ask for a celebrity's face. Next, you'll go change your name to Kim Jongin and start trying to act like him and dress like him and next you'll basically be him. And then he'll run into you and be so ing freaked out and run away from the creeper who stole his face and then you'll start chasing after him and he'll have to get a restraining order and I will LAUGH MY ING OFF at your horrible life. Because you, my sick little friend, are sad, sad, SAD."

"Okay, twatwaffle," Sehun snapped, stepping on the back of Baekhyun's foot, eliciting a pained yelp from the shorter brunet. "Jesus, why am I even friends with you? How do you even have friends? You're so unpleasant." They stepped out onto the sidewalk and began walking toward the building on campus that housed the gym. Baekhyun was seriously not feeling this whole walking places in the sunlight thing. So much energy to expend, so much heat to endure. Couldn't the sun just go shine somewhere else for a while? It was like it was trying to make him miserable. It was seriously just glowing with spite. The stupid, fiery ball of yellow death, killing him slowly from afar, and draining what little energy he had left. He could seriously use some coffee. Maybe an iced coffee.

"Whatever, head. Wait—You said Kai was hooking his friends up. Was Kris one of them?"

"Yep."

"Okay look, I know you're both a creeper and a blabbermouth, but you need to do us all a favor and be a good friend for once and don't mention the whole thing to Tao, okay?"

"What? Why? Dude, he'll probably spend the weekend crying into a slice of cake at that bakery he loves when he finds out. But he'd probably leave us bruised and hurting if he finds out about it and that we knew and didn't tell him!"

"I am gonna tell him! I'm just gonna wait until I can do it in person and try to soften the blow with ice cream or something. So just don't mention it to him, okay?"

"Hey, isn't the gym the other way?" Sehun asked when Baekhyun took a right at the fork in the sidewalk instead of a left.

"I just thought I'd check if he's in the coffee shop first," Baekhyun said casually, not looking back at the younger boy.

Sehun rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure." He stumbled over his own feet when Baekhyun stopped suddenly in front of him. "Dude, watch it!" Looking over the shorter boy's shoulder, he realized what Baekhyun had stopped to look at.

About fifteen feet ahead, a beady-eyed rodent stood in the middle of the sidewalk, staring the short brunet down. "Squirrel," Baekhyun mumbled shakily.

"So what? Just go."

The squirrel took a tiny step forward, and Baekhyun took a half step back. "No," he said, though it wasn't clear who he was speaking to. The squirrel took another two steps forward, and Baekhyun took another back, straight into Sehun. "No!" Sehun stepped to the side, and the squirrel began to run. "NOPE!" Baekhyun spun on his heel and began sprinting in the opposite direction, shrieking like a banshee. Don't have to outrun the squirrel, just outrun Pasty-face! Sehun passed him easily a moment later, and Baekhyun let out an enraged roar. "DAMN YOUUUU!"

O O O O O

Sipping from a giant iced coffee with a second one tucked under his arm, Baekhyun strolled leisurely into the crowded gym. His gaze lingered appreciatively on the male portion of the gym's patrons, a lazy smile on his face. He should come by here more often, he decided. Sehun waved to a few guys he knew from dance class, now keeping a safer distance behind the leering brunet. Best not to be seen with the gym creeper.

When Sehun noticed Baekhyun looking for higher ground, he knew that finding cover ASAP was crucial. He had just found a place on his hands and knees behind a weight bench, ignoring the slightly creeped look he was getting from the buff guy who was currently using it, when Baekhyun cleared his throat from where he stood. He was standing on a stack of step equipment, stretching himself upwards on the tips of his toes to try to appear taller.

"Attention, gym denizens!" he bellowed, his voice strangely deeper than usual.

"Loser!" Sehun coughed loudly.

"Has anyone seen a tall, delicious-looking man by the name of Park Chanyeol?" When he got no response save for some very strange looks, he narrowed his eyes in an attempt to be menacing. "Listen up, you little twerps!"

"Rude!" Sehun coughed again.

"A deranged lunatic has plans to coerce my lover into canoodling with some trollop like he's some kind of-of toy to be passed around and I intend to stop it! But I need to know where he is!"

"Dude, shut up," someone snapped. From there, conversation broke back out in the gym and Baekhyun was effectively ignored.

"Isn't that Tao's weird friend?"

"Tao?"

"Yeah, tall, intense eyes? Friends with Kris."

"Oh. I dunno."

"There sure are a lot of strange people at this school."

"No kidding. Remember when those people claimed there were wild animals running loose on campus? Pretty sure half this campus is on drugs."

"Oh yeah I heard about that. I've seen some weird since coming here, I swear."

Feeling put out, Baekhyun hopped down from his perch and stormed into the locker room, Sehun hot on his heels.

The gym locker room reeked. Baekhyun pinched his nose against the stench of sweat and body odor, his face twisted in a disgusted grimace. Even the sight of and half- boys couldn't make him ignore just how bad it smelled. Though it definitely helped make it more worth the effort.

"Jongdae!" Baekhyun nearly shrieked across the room and made a beeline for the other boy.

Jongdae jumped at the noise and caught his slipping towel, though not before Baekhyun got an appreciated eyeful.

"Hey, fancy meeting you here!"

"U-Uh yeah," Jongdae stammered, visibly uncomfortable with pursuing a conversation in his current state of undress.

"Look. It is vital that I find Chanyeol. Do you know where he is? This is a matter of life or death!"

"Well um... I haven't been at the dorm much today. I don't know where he is. Don't you have his number?"

Baekhyun frowned. "Why would I be looking for him here if I had his number? Jeez, for a nice university, this place is sure full of idiots."

Jongdae arched a brow, having seemingly forgotten to be uncomfortable at this point. "You're quite rude, you know that?"

"He knows," Sehun piped up. "We're working on it."

"What are you, my mother?" Baekhyun snapped at the younger.

"If Kyungsoo could've seen you today, he'd be so disappointed in your lack of manners." Baekhyun rolled his eyes exaggeratedly and spun on his heel to leave. Sehun turned to Jongdae before following Baekhyun out, and added, "Nice abs, Hyung."

Jongdae heaved a relieved sigh as he watched the two leave.

"So where to next?" Sehun asked as he followed Baekhyun out of the building.

"Cafeteria, and then... I guess Kris and Tao's dorm," Baekhyun spoke over his shoulder. He was ready a moment later when Sehun tried to walk off in the opposite direction, and spun to grab his wrist firmly. "Nope, you've followed me up to here. You're going all the way, even into the dragon's lair." He wasn't swayed even slightly by the pitiful pout that appeared on his younger friend's dumb face. They continued on to the cafeteria, where they were again met with no luck.

O O O O O

"Hey, you know who could really use Kai's new matchmaking services?" Sehun asked suddenly after they'd been walking in silence for a few minutes.

"Why are you talking to me about Kai right now? Don't you know how mad at him I am?"

"Seriously, though!"

"Okay whatever, who then?"

"Junmyeon!"

Baekhyun laughed. "Are you trying to say he needs to get laid?"

"Doesn't he? He's so uptight!"

"Yeah, he is. But you also just don't know how to deal with him. He wouldn't let me borrow his music theory notes, so I bought him this dorky looking basket for his bike. He ing loved it. He let me borrow his notes, and he only ed at me for five minutes when I tracked water all over the bathroom floor after I borrowed their shower. You, on the other hand, crashed his bike. Now he's terrified for both your safety and the safety of his bike and he's much further from trusting you with anything ever."

"Okay, that wasn't even my fault. Who the hell still owns a bike without handlebar brakes?"

"Junmyeon. And I know the groundskeeper for one still blames you."

"I'm the one that ended up as a human pincushion!"

"You crushed his roses."

"I was a victim!"

"Pfft. Of your own inadequacy, definitely."

"This coming from the guy who has to ask someone for help reaching his favorite coffee mix at the store."

"Okay, those shelves are bull!" Baekhyun snapped, glaring at the other. "Only giants can reach the top one!"

"Says no one but you."

Baekhyun took a long sip from his iced coffee, now decidedly ignoring his traveling companion. Why did he put up with this? Why was he friends with such a child? What could he have possibly done in his past life to warrant this kind of treatment? And why the hell was it so sunny outside? He pondered these things and more as they headed into the dorm building where Tao roomed with the menacing, blond giant. Honestly, he was going to need to revisit the topic of picking better friends with the younger boy the next time they were alone. Maybe they'd start by kicking Sehun out of their friend group. No, on further thought, he realized that would probably get him a stern talking-to by Kyungsoo and Junmyeon. He's had enough of those to last him a lifetime. Sometimes it felt like being best friends with his parents. If he had two dads and they both nagged like moms. And one of them secretly loved to go clubbing with her—er, his—son. Baekhyun found that he was kind of confusing himself and decided to focus on the matter at hand. Going into the dragon's lair to steal away his prince with the luxurious mane of golden brown hair and nice, chocolate brown eyes and luscious lip—"

"Dude, are you drooling? Knock on the door already," Sehun said, snapping Baekhyun out of his daze.

Baekhyun straightened and cleared his throat before raising a hand and knocking on the door. There were a few beats of silence before it swung open. Both he and Sehun stood frozen and wide-eyed. The blond giant just blinked back. When he realized neither was going to say something, he did. "Tao's asleep. He hasn't been sleeping well, so I'm not going to wake him up. Come back later."

"No!" Baekhyun cried suddenly, and his eyes widened enormously when he seemed to realize that he'd just spoken.

"What?"

"Chanyeol!"

"Um. What about him?"

"Where...?"

Kris frowned and sighed. "Where is he?" Baekhyun nodded. "I'm not his keeper, how should I know? I last saw him around an hour ago when I left him to come back here. That's all I know." He shut the door without so much as a goodbye, and Baekhyun's shoulders slumped.

"My feet hurt," Sehun whined, as if he hadn't been visibly cowed by the intimidating blond mere moments earlier. Baekhyun merely turned and started stomping down the hall. "Where are you going now?"

"I don't ing know!" Baekhyun snapped, throwing his hands up into the air. "I've looked everywhere I can think of! Maybe he's off with Kai, macking on chicks in short skirts, or maybe he's macking on Kai and oh my god, if that fine piece off —"

"Chanyeol or Kai?"

"—touches my fine piece of , I will rip those luscious, pillowy DSL off his face and shove them so far up his —! I GOTTA PEE!"

"Dude, I'm surprised you held out this long. You've been chugging those coffees like your life depends on it. Pretty sure it's become a serious addiction, Hyung." Sehun took the coffee cup that was suddenly into his hands and followed Baekhyun as the shorter boy made a beeline for the bathroom down the hall, nearly running into him when he stopped abruptly just inside.

There Chanyeol stood, in all his tall, handsome glory, positioned in front of a urinal and also notably busy. But when did "busy" ever stop Byun Baekhyun?

A/N

This was turning out to be a lot longer than all of my previous chapters, so I decided to cut it in two so I could update already. I'm still working on the second half, but will try to get it posted ASAP!

I wish I wasn't such a slow writer. I'm truly sorry.

Also, thank you to unnie-bee for looking over this for me!

I could use some more friends in this fandom, so come talk to me on tumblr!