Dear diary, how can I stop?

I’ve known Oh Sehun for more than six years. It might not be that long for others, but for me, looking back at how much I’ve learned and grown for the past years, it was long enough. I met him in college. He was taking up the same degree program as I was. At first, we were not close. Sure, we were friends. We greeted and smiled at each other but that was it.

I think it was on our third year when I felt (at least for me) that something changed. Since we have the same group of friends, we started to hang out more and got closer. Our friends would always pair us up but we just laughed it off. They teased us whenever we’re together but we both strongly denied it, saying that we’re really REALLY just friends. Maybe I should blame my friends because it was their fault for opening my eyes to him. I never thought that I would fall but then BAM! I found myself thinking about him, my heart beating fast whenever he’s around. Or maybe it was not our friends' fault, maybe it was a slow process that I didn’t recognized at first, and that as I got closer, as I got to know him more, little by little, without me realizing the danger, I started to fall.

I knew I was in this alone. An unrequited love. How could a silent and serious boy fall for a clumsy and loud girl like me? Impossible! Our friends continued to pair us up, and as always we both pass it up as joke. But deep inside, my heart was jumping up and down like crazy while I knew his was a true denial. I should have stopped it when I could, but what can I do when Sehun was giving me reasons to love him more than to move on?

Dear diary, how can I stop?

One evening sometime at middle of the school year, I had to stay up all night in one of my groupmates apartment to practice for a competition we’re going to enter. At that time, I was also panicking since I had an exam the following morning. I texted all my friends, including him, for some encouragement. They all answered my message except for Sehun. I was about to give up waiting and continue practicing when a flash on my phone indicated that I received a new message. After hurriedly unlocking my phone, there was it, the reply that I’d been waiting for. It read, “Can you take a break for a minute? I’m outside the building.” I hurriedly went downstairs to see if it was true. I went outside panting. And there he was, my Oh Sehun, smiling at me, holding a can of soda. After greeting each other, he gave the soda to me and told me to close my eyes. I was reluctant at first but did it anyway. He then held my hands.

“Calm down,” he whispered to my ear. “And take a deep breath three times.” He counted softly as I breathed three times. When I opened my eyes, he was smiling and asked me if I was okay and less nervous. All I could do was to nod. “Good then,” he cleared his throat as if he was shy about something. “I’ll be going now. God bless you on your exam and competition.” He then turned around and walked away.

Dear diary, how can I stop?

I kept my hopes up. And as the time progressed, I kept on hoping and hoping. There was this time Sehun and I went to the mall. We were not alone, we were with my friend Jia. The three of us decided to meet for lunch but ended up going to the mall. As girls, Jia and I immediately went to the cosmetics section. I almost forgot about him when I saw from my peripheral vision that he was still following us. We both told him that it’s okay not to  follow us. We told him that it’s fine if he wanted to go somewhere but he insisted on accompanying us. He ended up standing there for about an hour while we look for the things we want.  The funny thing was after our shopping we went to a nail salon but he still didn’t leave us. He sat on the lobby for hours while waiting. Nothing really eventful happened but that night when I was talking to Jia on the phone, she kept teasing me on how Sehun didn’t want to part from me. That if he didn’t have any feelings for me, why did he patiently wait for us when clearly he didn't have any interest in those things? If it were other guys, surely they would just leave. I just laughed at her theories, afraid that if I took it seriously I might end up broken-hearted. So, I assumed that he just had nothing particular to do but somewhere in deep part of mind, I hope what she said was true. I knew I was being delusional but I prayed that Jia was right.

Dear diary, how can I stop?

Sehun was my knight in ripped jeans, tee shirt and sneakers. Throughout our college life, he was there, always ready to help. Those things he did for me kept fuelling my hope that maybe it was not so unrequited love afterall. There were so many little things he did that I cherished in my memory,  like helping me plan when I was the head of an event although he wasn’t even part of it, comforting me when I was crying because I thought I was not going to graduate, coming to the rescue when I needed help for my thesis even when he was also busy. I might seemed like a pathetic damsel in distress, always in need of rescuing but that was not the case. I could handle myself but somehow he was always there even if I didn’t asked for it.

Dear diary, how can I stop?

After graduation, I thought that we would part our ways. Funny that we somehow ended up working in the same company but in different departments. I thought it was all going to change, that finally, I would have a chance. But sadly,  it was like college all over again. We were so close yet still so far. Well, maybe not, our situation was worse than in college. At least in college we could meet and hang out. Now, it’s always work work work. We didn’t even see each other anymore. So I’ve made a resolve. To once and for all move on, to open my heart for others. It was about time.

I was on the process of moving on when something unexpected happened. Three years after our graduation, I met one of our common friends, Baekhyun. It’s been a while since I last saw him. We casually greeted each other until our simple dinner became a serious talk. I didn’t know how we ended up to that topic but he was suddenly asking me if I really loved Sehun. What kind of question was that? Of course, I loved him and love him still. But why would I tell him that? It’s my guarded secret!

When Baekhyun looked into my eyes. I guess he saw something in it because the next thing he said was, “He loved you, you know.” I was shocked. Who wouldn’t be?

“What?” It was all I could ask.

“Sehun told me that he loved you,” he said. “But he was afraid. Afraid that you would not return his love. Afraid that your feelings was not the same as his.”

I was left dumbfounded after our talk. Until now, I could not take it out of my mind. I was happy. I was sad. It was making me more confused than ever. All these years I thought it was an unrequited love. Why now when I was ready to give him up? Why did I have to know that? I want to stop my feelings but I can’t.

Dear diary, how can I stop?

I don’t know the answer to that right now but I believe God has plans and in time I would understand everything. And eventually I would be able to answer all my why's and  how's.

Dear diary...

"Should I smile because he’s my friend,
or cry because that’s all he is?" 

-Unknown