For those who haven't read the prequel of this strory, go to the first chapter, 'I Have Loved'

Being in love with a wrong woman . Being in love with a wrong woman whose in love with someone else even more. Being in love with a wrong woman whose in love with your brother is as y as it gets.

 

 

Kim Jongin, also known as Kai to his family and close friends, saw her sitting alone in the far corner of the room amidst the coming and going of people. No one had bothered to go to her. No one was even looking at her, well, except him.

 

He first noticed the girl in a white dress when she entered the room with head held high. She appeared to be steady but as he looked closely, her hands were shaking. Her control were completely shattered when she looked at the picture in front that was completely surrounded by flowers given by their relatives and close friends. As small sobs came out from her lips, his mother intervened and let her take a sit while patting her back.

 

It had been hours since his mother left the girl’s side to talk to their other guests at the funeral. Unlike earlier, her head was now bowed down as she wrung and squeezed the tissue she was holding. Maybe she was too absorbed on what she was thinking that she did not notice the bits and pieces of the tissue on the floor.

 

“Miss, I know you didn’t notice, but you’re wringing the poor tissue to death,” Kai said to the girl as he offered his handkerchief to her.

 

The girl looked up, eyes glistening not from happiness but from tears pouring down from her eyes. That was when Kai knew, that he would take it as his mission to make this girl smile. That was when he promised in his heart, that he would not let anyone make her cry again. Not even his beloved dead brother.

 

That girl was Bae Suzy. Kim Myungsoo’s girl.

 

***

 

Six years later…

 

The sun was shining brightly. There were no clouds on the sky that could hinder it from giving warmth to those below. A man stood on a vast field, looking down at one of the graves on the ground.

 

“Hyung, I’m back! After five years and four months, finally, I’m home,” Kai greeted while still looking down. “Did you miss me? Of course, you missed me! You always want me where you can see me, right? I remember when we were small…You went to our school camping for three days alone because I had an injury. When you got back, you just hugged and told me that you missed me. Since then, every summer, we would go to camping together.

 

“Hey, you know? I missed you too,” Kai sighed. “Today is your anniversary, right? No, there was nothing happy about your death anniversary but what I meant was the other thing. Happy anniversary to both of you! Is Suzy still coming here? I hope she still is,” Kai wished as past came back flooding  to him.

 

Though a bit surprised, Suzy accepted the handkerchief handed to her. She didn’t know who this man was but she was grateful for the handkerchief.

 

“I’m Kim Jongin,” the man said as he extended his hand.

 

She remembered that name. “You’re Kai!”

 

“Yes, that’s what Myungsoo hyung often called me,” Kai said while giving a sad smile.

 

When Suzy heard the name, tears again well up from her eyes. “He would always use that name when he’s talking about you. He said that he gave you that nickname.”

 

“Yeah, he’s the only one who called me that… Don’t cry,” Kai sat beside her when she started to sob again. "He’s also talked about you to us. He said that you’re his smiling girl.”

 

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

 

There was nothing that Kai could do but to pat Suzy’s back as she cried.

 

Kai was lost in his thoughts. He was oblivious in his surrounding that he did not see that someone was walking towards him.

 

“Kai?”

 

The voice was enough to snap him out from his reverie and looked at its source. Standing in front of him was the girl that haunted him for more than five years.

 

“Hello, Suzy,” Kai smiled at her.

 

“What…what are you doing here? Umm… what I mean is… when did you come back?”

 

It was obvious that he gave Suzy a shock. She did not expect to see him here. Heck, she would not even expect to see him anywhere. Who would blame her? Even his mother was only informed of his arrival just yesterday.

 

“I came back last night,” he explained. “Don’t let me bother you. You’re here to visit hyung, right? Go ahead, I’m just leaving,” Kai stepped out of the way and walked towards the road.

 

Suzy stood there for a full minute before gathering her thoughts. She sat down on the grass as she put the fresh flowers she brought beside Myungsoo’s grave.

 

“Hello, I see you’ve got a visitor. You must be happy right now. I know you missed him. Me too,” she looked far away, “I’ve missed him.”

 

She smiled then. “Hey! Did you know what day is it? Happy 6^th anniversary to us!”

 

After an hour, Suzy rose up and started walking. She needed to go back to her shop immediately. But she suddenly stopped when she saw Kai was waiting for her.

 

“I thought you’re already gone,” she said while looking past him.

 

“No, I just left so you could have a privacy,” he explained.

 

“Oh!” Suzy could not think of anything to say to him so she continued to walk. “I have to go.”

 

Kai held her arm to stop her. “Wait! Can we talk?”

 

“I’m busy. I need to go to my shop.”

 

“Can you give me just an hour? Please?”

 

Suzy looked at him and thought that he did not changed at all. He was still used to getting his way with that mischievous smile of his. She sighed and agreed to him.

 

They went to a nearby café. It was a cozy little shop with a few customers inside. They went to the counter but before she could order, Kai ordered for her.

 

“One iced caramel macchiato and one regular coffee,” he ordered before guiding her to an empty chair.

 

“Why did you order without asking me?” she asked.

 

“I thought you still liked caramel macchiato. Should I change your order?” Kai was about to get up when Suzy stopped him.

 

“No, I still like it,” she smiled. “After all these years, you still know what I like to drink?”

 

“Of course, who would forget its taste?”

 

At this, both Kai and Suzy laughed. They remembered that time when he unknowingly drank it.

 

“You still remember?” she curiously asked.

 

“Yes, I was so thirsty back then that I snatched your drink. I didn’t know that it was so bitter that I almost spurted out all over your face.”

 

“Almost? You spurted the drink all over my face!”

 

“Yeah. Yeah,” Kai nodded.

 

They laughed again at the memory. This was them. Suzy missed it, their easy banter, no awkwardness, only friendship.

 

“How are you, Suzy?” Kai seriously inquired.

 

“I’m fine. I own a small bookshop now. How about you? How’s life in America?”

 

“Well, I guess I’m fine too. At first, it was lonely but I got used to it.”

 

“Why are you back?” she continued to question.

 

“I’ve received an offer from a firm here. It was a good offer so I accepted.”

 

“Ahhh… So... Welcome back! Sorry, I forgot to greet you earlier,” she shyly admitted.

 

Kai gave her a warm smile. “Thanks!”

 

Once again, there was an awkward silent between the two. But after a few minutes, Kai broke it.

 

“About what happened before I left. I wanted to say sorry for saying…”

 

Suzy did not let him finish. “Please, don’t. I’ve already forgotten about it,” she said while looking outside the café. “You should to.”

 

If she had been looking, she would have seen that something had passed in Kai’s eyes. “Yes, let’s forget about it. So I guess we’re friends again?” he smiled and extended his hand to her.

 

She also smiled and shook his hand. “Yes, friends.”

 

***

 

Suzy stood behind the counter of her bookshop as she remembered the events five years ago.

 

She could hear a loud banging on the door while a familiar voice called out to her.

 

“SUZY! SUZY! SUZY! Open this door! I know you’re in there!” a worried Kai shouted from outside her room.

 

It was followed by a nervous rattling of keys as they tried to open the locked door. Once it was opened, she saw Kai and her mother. Their faces changed from panic to concern when they saw the state she was in.

 

Kai nearly destroyed the door just to get in. He knew she was devastated after the funeral and he wanted to comfort her but she was not answering her phone for days. It made him worried sick. Finally, he decided to call her mother and that was how he got the news that Suzy locked herself in her room. For days, her mother tried to cheer her up but in the end she went hysterical.

 

When the room was opened, he immediately saw her shaking at the corner while hugging her legs. She was so thin and pale. Her lips were chapped from dehydration while her eyes were glassy from looking at nowhere.

 

Suzy broke down when she saw Myungsoo’s brother approaching. It was all too much for her. She thought that the unshed tears she was trying to control would never pour down.

 

“I’m sorry… I’m really sorry,” she told him.

 

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Kai tried to reach out to her. “What happened? Why are you apologizing?”

 

“It was because of me. Myungso… Myungsoo died because of me. I’m really sorry. If he hadn’t gone to our meeting place… if he was not preoccupied at that time… then…then,” Suzy broke into frantic sobs.

 

Kai grabbed her hand and pulled her into his arms. “No one is blaming you, Suzy. It was no one’s fault. At first, I put all the blame to the driver but then I realized that it was not also his fault. I believe Myungsoo doesn’t want us to keep blaming others for what happened. We’ve lost him but he will always be with us, in our hearts.”

 

He hugged her very tight as Suzy cried her heart out. “Go ahead and cry. I’m letting you cry just this once. After this, I will help you bring back your smile.”

 

“Am I disturbing you?”

 

“KAI! I didn’t notice you,” Suzy shouted at the man standing in front of the counter.

 

Kai chuckled. “Kai? It’s been a while since someone called me by that name. Everyone else is calling me Jongnin now.”

 

“Well, I’m used to that nickname. Why are you here?” she asked while leaving the counter.

 

 “Myungsoo would be glad that someone still uses that name,” he looked at Suzy. “And I am here because last time when I accompanied you home, you said that you will be closing the shop because of a big delivery today. I’m here to help you,” he added.

 

“Really? You’re not busy?”

 

“No, I’m not. I took a leave for today. My assistant would call me if anything important happens. So for now, I’m at your beck and call. That’s what friends are for, right?”

 

She was caught again off guard by that all too familiar smirk on his lips and the sparkle in his eyes. Suzy eventually accepted his help. They worked the whole morning, Kai carried all the boxes that was delivered while Suzy organized the books. They work well together. They only stopped when Suzy heard Kai's stomach.

 

She laughed, a hearty laugh without any reserve. “You’re hungry. Let’s eat.”

 

“Let’s just order for a delivery,” Kai agreed. “What do you want?”

 

“PASTA!” Suzy immediately answered.

 

“I somehow expected that answer,” he said while ruffling her hair affectionately.

 

After their food came, they made a makeshift table from the empty boxes lying around. Kai watched Suzy as she happily ate the pasta. Some things never change. In his mind, he remembered those days where he was trying to put back Suzy’s smile. In some way, it had helped him too. He guessed, they both helped each other from the loneliness they felt after losing Myungsoo. His plan back then was to give her no time to sulk. They were both at the same age with the same interests, a factor that helped him invite her. They would go to the mall, watch a movie, eat outside or just talk. But the first time he saw her genuine smile was when he brought pasta with matching candles for her birthday. For the past seven months they were together, they became fast friends. Friends that could easily confide to, friends that could always pick each other up. Until that fateful day…

 

Suzy waved her hand in front of Kai. “Why are you staring at me like that?”

 

“Because you eat like someone who’s gone a hunger strike for days,” he teased.

 

Suzy stuck out her tongue and changed the subject. “Do you still paint?”

 

She knew that painting was his passion. She remembered how much she forced Kai to let her see his works. When he gave in, she was mesmerized at how good he was.

 

“No, I stopped.” He didn’t give her any further explanation and went on to eat his food.

 

They continued their work until the sun went down. When they called it a day, Kai offered to take her home. Once Suzy got off from the car, she thanked him and went inside the apartment. As he was looking at her retreating back, he shook his head, telling himself not to get used to this.

 

***

 

In just a few months since Kai arrived, he became a constant part of Suzy’s life. She got used to him being around as if like he never went away.

 

One night, Suzy became worried because Kai didn’t call for the whole day. She was uncertain if he was busy or not but still decided to call him herself. His phone rang but no one answered. When she was about to end her call someone picked up the other line.

 

“Kai! Where are you?!” she asked while faking her angry voice.

 

“Hello,” a female voice answered from the other line. “Sorry but Jongin is sleeping right now. He can’t take your call…”

 

Suzy didn’t even finish listening to the other line. She was surprised by the female voice that she abruptly ended her call. Unconsciously, she lied down on her bed while imagining Kai sleeping beside an unknown girl. She didn’t know why but it made her want to cry. As a tear fall from her eyes, it was followed by another until her eyes were blurry by the flowing tears. She clutched her chest wondering about the pain in her heart.

 

Suzy woke up with a headache, the result of all her crying during the night. But what made it worse was the loud knocking at her door. She looked at the clock on the bedside table and saw that it was just six o’clock in the morning. Irritated, she got up and opened it. She was so surprised at who she saw that Kai already invited himself inside her apartment before she recovered.

 

Though she felt her heart made a leap, she ignored it and gave Kai an angry stare. “Why are you here?”

 

Kai was already sitting on a sofa when he answered her. “I was calling you the whole night but you never answered your phone. I thought you might be sleeping but I’m worried so once I’m finished, I got here as fast as I could.”

 

Suzy crossed her arms, still visibly fuming with anger. “Now you know that I’m fine, can you please go away?”

 

“No, I think I’m going to sleep here,” Kai said as he stretch on the sofa.

 

“What?! No! Go home,” she protested, looking down at Kai who was already lying on the sofa.

 

“I’m tired. I was at my office all night, trying to finish my work. I took a nap for an hour and when I woke up, my assistant told me that you called. I called you back but you didn’t answer. I wanted to go here because I thought that something’s wrong but my assistant assured me that from your voice, you seemed fine but somehow angry. So I decided to just finish my work as fast as I can before going here. Now, I’m tired and I want to sleep,” he explained while yawning. “By the way, why are you angry?”

 

Lost for words, Suzy ignored his question. Instead, she turned around and started to walk away. “Okay, stop talking. If you want to sleep then sleep.”

 

But before she could take a step, Kai pulled her to the sofa, making her sit awkwardly beside him. “Don’t go. Stay with me,” Kai said as he fell asleep with smile on his lips.

 

Suzy sat there looking at his innocent sleeping face. So it was his assistant that answered her call and he was working at his office. After hearing his explanation, somehow, something heavy was lifted from her heart. She felt foolish for the night before. She should have not cried. But then again, why did she cry in the first place?

 

No! No! No! Was she jealous? No! She couldn’t be jealous because if she was, then it meant that she had feelings for him. And that was impossible. It was… right? Afraid of the answer, Suzy almost got up from where she sat. It was then she realized that Kai was holding tightly to her hand. Looking at his hand clasped to hers, she felt a slight tug in her heart.

 

‘No, this could not be happening,’ she thought as she silently went back to sit without removing Kai’s hand. Suzy sadly looked at his face as she thought about the incident before Kai decided to go to America.

 

Kai had been out of contact for almost three days. She had looked everywhere, she went to his university and asked his classmates but they said that he was also absent for three days. Even in his parents’ home, he was nowhere to be found. His mother said that Kai would always go out early in the morning and would be back very late. Worried, she went to the last place she could think of, Myungsoo’s grave. And there she found him, sitting on the grass head bowed down.

 

She slowly approached him, assessing his mood. “Kai…”

 

Kai looked up when he heard the voice he was longing for. He could see the worried look Suzy gave him. “I knew you will soon find me.”

 

“What are doing here?” she asked, stopping in front of him.

 

Kai stood up but avoided her gaze. She could sense that something was bothering him. “What’s wrong? You could tell me about it. I could help you,” she urged while placing her hand on his arm.

 

“Us! You! ME!” Kai shouted while tightly gripping her shoulder. “I know, I am wrong but I could not help it. The guilt… It’s eating me alive. I’m betraying my brother but I don’t want to stop.”

 

She was not prepared for this. Confused, she asked, “What are you talking about?”

 

He was crying now but he was still gripping Suzy’s shoulder. “I thought it was simple as that. I thought I could make you smile without falling in love with you. But it was impossible… every moment, every second… I kept falling. How I wished that I met you before hyung. How I wish that he was still alive so that I could fight him for your affection, be a proper rival. I love you… I love you…”

 

Suzy, shocked at the confession, removed his hands from her shoulder. “Kai… You can’t.”

 

Kai straightened up. “Yes, I know. It , right?" he said giving her a sad smile. "Don’t worry, you’ll never see me again. I won't burden you with my feelings. Be happy, Suzy. Like what my brother said." He wanted to touched her cheek for one last time but decided against it.  Instead, he stared at her intently, memorizing every part of her to at least have something to hold on to for the lonely years to come.

 

And then, Kai walked away.

 

Suzy was left there at the cemetery looking at the grave of the man whom she still loved while thinking of how ironic life could be. She lost one man. Now, she'd lost another. 

 

Kai never contacted her again after that day until she got a call from her mother that he already went to America. She was informed that he quit attending art school and applied for an accountancy scholarship abroad. He got accepted and left for America. She never knew his reason but somehow, she got a good guess why.

 

Life went back to normal. She made new friends, finished her two remaining years in college and opened a little bookshop. Every year she never forgotten to visit Myungsoo’s grave and from time to time, she would receive a news about Kai from his mother.

 

Kai woke up, feeling light hearted. He was a bit confused when he opened his eyes and saw an unfamiliar surroundings. He smiled when he recalled where he was. He was in Suzy’s apartment. But where was Suzy? Before he could fully processed the question, he smelled something. A smell of fried bacon. He followed the aroma into another room and saw what he was looking for. Suzy was there, busy cooking. Kai stopped at the doorframe and watched her. Stray wisps of hair had escape from her high ponytail. She broke into a tiny smile as she put another strip of bacon into the frying pan. She looked beautiful. And Kai was enchanted. He wished that they could go on like this forever.

 

‘Stop it, Kai. You can’t. You don’t want to ruin your friendship again like what you did six years ago,’ a little voice said inside his head.

 

“Good! You’re awake. Can you get the plates? I’m almost finished. Though it’s already noon, I only have bacon in the fridge. I hope you’ll like it,” Suzy cheerfully said when she noticed Kai looking at her.

 

While eating, Kai teased Suzy for being angry with him earlier that morning. After a few questions why she was angry, he finally gave up seeing Suzy would not speak. They ate their meal happily, putting all their concerns at the back of their minds. Both were savouring this moment, content with each other’s company, secretly wishing that it will last. When it was time for Kai to go, both just stood near the door looking at each other.

 

“Thanks for the food,” Kai said.

 

“You’re welcome,” Suzy said.

 

“I’ll go now. Bye,” Kai said

 

“Ah, yes. Good bye,” Suzy said

 

Kai said. Suzy said. They kept saying the words that were different from what they really want to say. They could keep on saying hundreds, even thousands of words to each other but there was only three words they were waiting to hear.

 

***

 

“Hello, Myungsoo,” Suzy said as she looked at Myungsoo’s grave, a few days later. “How are you up there? Happy, right? Maybe you’re wondering why I’m here.

 

“Mmmm…Do you know Kai? Silly me, of course you know your brother,” Suzy laughed a little. “Kai and I… we’re close now. Funny, isn’t it? “

 

She gave out a long sigh before continuing. “For days, I kept questioning myself, can I really fall in love twice? Is this my second chance?  I've always thought  that you only got one chance in finding true love and I've already lost that one. Do I have a right to take this second chance? But what about you? Will you be angry? Will you let me go?”

 

Like an answer, Suzy remembered her dream. A dream about Myungsoo six years ago when he died.

 

‘Smile and be happy’

 

“That’s it, right?” Suzy asked as she felt her tears threatening to fall. “For years, I thought I’m doing what you want. To smile and be happy. I lived my life smiling but this is what you really want me to do, right? Not to be chained, but to live and experience love again. To really move on. Am I right?

 

“Thank you… Thank you for the wonderful memory. Thank you for letting me experience the joy of first love. Please don't think that my love for you is not true. I have truly loved you and you’ll forever be in my heart,” Suzy looked up, “as a part of my happy past, of my past love. Thank you for freeing me to experience a new love. Thank you. Goodbye, Myungsoo.” Suzy got up and wiped away her tears away. She smiled and kept on walking towards the new beginning.

 

It had been an emotional day. Suzy went home to her apartment to get some rest just to see Kai waiting outside her door.

 

“I’m leaving for America next week. I just want to inform you. I don’t want to leave again without telling you,” Kai said in a grave tone and walked away.

 

Suzy spun around and ran outside. Fortunately, she was able to catch him before he got into his car.

 

“WHY?! I need to know,” she asked as she held on to Kai’s shirt, stopping him from walking further.

 

“The firm needs someone to send to America. Since I graduated from there, it’s a logical choice that I’d be the one they send,” he explained while looking past her.

 

She shook her head, not believing a single word he said. “I need the real reason, Kai. Why?” Suzy insisted. "Why?!"

 

Finally, Kai snapped from his cold attitude and looked at her. “Why?! Do you really want to know why? It’s because I can’t be friends with you. When I came back, I thought I can, that we can start over again as friends. But it was like the seed that you left in my heart six years ago suddenly shoot right up when I saw you. I kept telling myself that I should kill it… for you… for hyung… But it kept on growing and growing until its vines had taken hold of my heart. I can’t do this anymore.”

 

Angrily, Suzy shouted at him. “So you will run away?!”

 

“Yes! I will run away if I have to. I did it before. I can do it once again. I tried to be him. Became an accountant like he was, stopped painting. I thought those are enough to appease my guilt for loving his girl. Now I realized, I need to do one more thing, to not see her again.”

 

Suzy didn’t let him to turn his back on her. “Your brother will be sad to hear that. He doesn’t want to see you suffering. He wants you to be happy, Kai. It was his wish for his loved ones to be happy.”

 

As she saw Kai crying, Suzy reached out and touched his face. “Do you know what I realized earlier? That your brother is happy for the two of us. He would never want us to be prisoners of the past. And as long as God gave us another day, another life, we must move on and forward, never afraid to live this life and to love to the fullest."

 

Kai looked at her and saw the reflection of his love shining through her eyes. Suzy was also in love with him! Speechless with the realization, he fully let go of his doubt. To love and be loved, it was overwhelming but he finally surrendered as he enveloped Suzy securely in his arms.

 

Somewhere far above the starlit sky, someone was smiling down at the two people he loved the most who finally found each other and learned to let go.

 

Epilogue

 

“Hey! Don’t run too fast!” Suzy shouted at the little boy running towards his father.

 

“Don’t worry I’m here,” Kai said as he opened his arm to the little boy. He picked the boy up and carried him on his arms. The little boy give him a kiss on the cheek while urging his mother to do it too.

 

Suzy laughed and kissed her husband on the cheek.

 

“No, you’re supposed to kiss him here,” the little boy pointed to his father’s lips.

 

“Good boy!” Kai chuckled.  “I’ll give Mommy that,” he said as he leaned and gave his wife a proper kiss.

 

“Did you finish the painting?” Suzy asked him after.

 

“Almost. Sorry I could not accompany you to the grocery. I’ll make up for it next time.”

 

Suzy reached out and remove the paint that was on his face. “Don’t worry about it.”

 

He smiled, that all too familiar smirk of his before turning to their son. “Let’s go inside and play!”

 

The little boy on his arms yell delightedly as his father carried him into the house. Suzy watched her husband and her son with a smile on her face. Before going inside, she looked up and said a little prayer. She thanked God for giving her a second chance in love.