XVI- As Long as you Love me

   He starred at her, when she was not looking at him but at his chest instead, "I lost my baby, the day I found out his father was cheating on me." she finally revealed hitting his chest with her finger at each syllable coming out from .  Her thin finger making its way through her skin like a knife would have done,  "I'm disgusting myself Kyuhyun ah, for even thinking I would be happy marrying you." she added looking now straight into his eyes.  

Suddenly thunder was  heard and the little amount of rain which was until now pouring transformed into a huge storm. He starred at her, she was not crying, her face was blank, as if she did rehearsed her speech, as if it was not natural. As if she had expected one day to tell him the truth and learned how to control her facial emotions. 

She for sure expected him to say something, to answer  but he did not. Instead he looked at her one last time before turning back, making his way to his car, she watched him doing, she watched how step by step they were now growing apart.  She scanned the place around her, the road was desert, forest on one side, empty land on the other side. They were for sure far way from Seoul and the rain was growing stronger,. She heard how he the engine, she was stubborn, but he was worst than stubborn, she looked behind her while  the road was desert, she would walk until the nearest town, looking for a phone where she would call someone, anyone; someone who would at least pick up the phone at this late hour. She started walking, crossing her arms on her chest hoping she would get warmer. So that's how he finally reacted, she had for the last couple of years, trying to imagine his reaction, would he be furious? Or sad, Each day her expectations would change, but she never imagine him to be speechless, to turn back without saying a word. She did not want to send the papers for the divorce, thinking it would be a mistake that they had still chance to get back together, that they were meant to be, but maybe they were not, maybe the miscarriage was a clue sent by God, a clue they did not take in consideration, but it was probably time now; Yes maybe it was time now for them to Divorce. She would sent the papers tomorrow, she would do it at the first hour. "It's the right thing to do." 

    He stepped in the car, putting on his seatbelt, he starred at her, he watched her looking around her, trying to figure it out by which way to go. She was lost, just like he was, actually they were both lost, lost for now two years. He suddenly hit the steering wheel, tears started to roll on his cheeks, he did not want to, he could not cry in front of her, she lost their child two years ago, and it was because of him, he was the one to blame, not her. At least not to the extent he thought she was to blame. He starred at her, she was walking, walking in the opposite direction, he kept starring at her, and like a flash everything suddenly got an explanation, her attitude, how distant and cold she was. 

How she would stare at their children for ten minutes without blinking, how she would take care of Tiffany, when she was having miscarriage. Talking and giving advice as if she had experienced the thing…

And how she would be possessive of Leehyun, not allowing him to hold her when she was still a baby. He thought that it was because she was holding grudge against him for cheating on her, but guess it was more deep than that, guess it was psychologic.  How he would hear her sobbing in the bathroom, but thinking his cheating was the reason of her pain. 

And the dinner came back to his mind, the moment she answered they had three kids instead of two, he knew at this moment that something was wrong, but he did not go deeper, and now he  was regretting. 

He kept starring at her, did she keep it secret from him during all these years, did his hyungs knew? Did the girls were aware of? Was her or his mother aware? 

Or did she choose to keep everyone in the dark; to put him with the rest like any other family member? He laid a little bit more on the steering wheel, his arms crossed on it was his head was laying on them, …but out of these questions, only one remained…was Yonghwa aware? 

-Flashback- 

  It was a hot day,  actually the hottest of the month, "Two iced coffee please." he asked to the young waiter. The restaurant was empty,  Boa news single "Only One" was playing on the radio, the sun ray of lights were showing the dust floating around, "I heard from the employees coming out of your office that the AC was broken, must be hard right?" he asked her but she did not answer, instead she kept on looking by the window at the people in the street, "I mean with all the heat coming out from the computers and the people working, and…" he stopped seeing  that she was not even paying attention, "Seohyun ah…", he whispered, "Why are you inflecting this to yourself?" she suddenly stopped starring outside to face him, "I told you, I used you to make him jealous, I was not in love with you." she paused, "I would never be." she finally added when the waiter came putting the two iced coffee on the table. The man sighed, waiting for the waiter to leave,  "I always knew that. Don't need to tell me about it.  Even if I would never understand why after he cheated on you. But the way you look at him says it all.  And, I wish you would look at me the same way you look at him. "  For sure he had been jealous of Cho Kyuhyun the man who had it all, the name, the successful work, the CEO, the man who was surrounded, the man who had her,  "Seohyun ah, I know that he'll always take a big part in your life, he's the father of your children, you've been dating him for more than 10years. I can't expect you to erase him of your life but… " he stopped, "Seohyun ah, I know you don't love me like you do love him, but I love you and if it means dating you even if your feelings for me are not present…then it's ok for me. They say love comes with time, For you I would give my entire life." he finally confessed, reaching for her hand on the table, "Let's start again, I'm sorry." he said bending over the table for the bruise he caused next to her eye.    

      He expected from her that she would maybe back out, just like she did earlier when he came to pick her up at her office, but he did not expect her to tell him that, to tell him something this important in such a detached way, " I was expecting his third child." she abruptly said,  "I'm supposed to be the mother of three. But I lost my third child the day I found out he was cheating on me." she said causing him to sit back to his place and to stare at her, "I can't grow any feelings towards you because I'm anchored to him in the good just like in the bad. You're right I love him, but I love him just like I hate him. I just can't help myself, I'm stuck with him for the rest of my life. I thought, I would stop growing feelings for him" she paused "But each morning I wake up thinking about my third child, and I think of Kyuhyun, because each time, I see his face, each time, I stand next to him or inhale his perfume, I imagine what would have been like my child, how his nose would have been like?  His mouth? Would it have been the same as me or Kyuhyun? Would it have been a girl? A boy?" she stopped waiting for him to say something but the man remained silent,  "You see? I need Kyuhyun, I need to stare at his face for my questions to be answered." she said playing with the spoon, "And I need that, I need to stay by his side, so I would feel complete, because, I just feel incomplete when he's not around me." she put down the spoon, looking at him straight in the eyes, "Because I tried to imagine my life without him…but I just can't , I can't imagine my life without him and you would be wasting your time thinking I would."  He remained quiet looking at her, still shocked by the announcement of her miscarriage, he did not hear the rest of her speech, but he caught some passage, saying she could not live without him but that she also hated him. She looked at him, then at her watch, it was already 2PM. she stood up, "I should go back to work, I already missed the meting because of your call this morning."  she told him before making her way towards the main door, but she stopped midway, starring at him  causing him for the first time to raised up his chin, "You once told me I was the lyrics to your melody. But…Yonghwa shi, there's only one melody, but you can write severals different lyrics to your melody. And I hope you"ll find the one who will write them for you." Seohyun sincerely said before pushing the doors, leaving the man alone in an empty restaurant, "Please Be mine" by Jonas brothers was now coming to its end on the radio. 

-End Flashback-

    He suddenly pushed on the accelerator, braking at only 3cm away from her body, she turned shocked, she wanted to scream, to express her shock, her fright, but no words came out of , she watched him coming out of the black AUDI, "You should have told me! Why did you keen it for yourself? Why were you egoist!? "I'm your husband! I was the father! If you're not even telling me that you lost our child then what am I suppose to do?!" What else is left?" he asked while rain was pouring stronger, but she remained quiet, while he stopped forward, "I killed our baby, and my excuses would never be enough to express how much I'm pained or to even bring back our baby." he stopped, "But…" he passed his hand in his hair, trying to figure out his next phrase, and how to say it , but something came out of his mouth, something again he wish he did not say, at least not right now, not in this condition, "I want you back, Seohyun ah…I want you and the kids back in my life, because you're the main things in my life, you're the best things I ever did in my entire life, you're with Jeehyun and Leehyun the things I'm the most proud of it and…" he was saying when she stopped him, "You told me the same thing" she stopped starring at him,  "You told me the same thing, two years ago, the morning you left for Busan. You said the children and I were the most precious thing you had in your life. This morning you kissed Leehyun on her forehead, saying she was your princess and that you would never let anything happen to her, you then bent down patting Jeehyun's head, swearing we would all go cheering on him at his soccer match the following weekend." she suddenly stopped starring at him, she for years played this morning again and again in her head, trying to remember, to see if she had missed something, if she could have guessed the following hours, if she could have prevented Kyuhyun to cheat on her. "You then stood up, you took me in your arms, caressing my cheek, giving me a kiss on the lips, and telling me to spray your perfume all over my body so men won't be approaching me."  She again stopped giving him a glare, the one she would give him when she was accusing him, the same she gave him the night he came back from Busan, finally facing her but not even having a fight, this night she only gave him a glare, that's all. And it meant more than the sound of her own voice, "You said we were the most precious things in your life, and you made us promise to wait for your comeback. Those were all lies, you always lie, even when you say that you would always stay with us." she finally said before starting walking again. 

He watched her walking away from him in disbelief, he was finally confessing, asking her for her to comeback and she was remaining frozen, not even a tears or a move, only a back he was box tired to face, "Why are you always leaving when I'm finally doing what you expected me to do!?" he screamed, "Why are you always leaving, passing to another level without waiting for me!" he asked again, "That's why I stopped running after you!" Because you're so complicated! I used to understand you, but you seem to be a complete stranger now!!" he kept on screaming when she turned  "I'am complicated!?!?" she asked back screaming, "I expected a simple thing from you Kyu! I wanted you to fight for me!" she said, "What?" he whispered, "I wanted you to say that there were no one else that you could ever be with! That you would rather be alone than without me!" she came back on her steps, "But instead you remained at your place! You watched me dating Yonghwa without saying a simple ing word!!" she kept on screaming, "You agreed on giving me the divorce and lastly you changed my name from Cho to Seo!"  she was now back in front of him, only two steps between her and him, was hurting her, hurting her from screaming, from the cold wind and from the rain,  she would now lowered down her voice, almost whispering, "So don't tell me that I'm complicated, don't tell me that I did not wait for you. You're the one who left on the first place" she said starring at him.  

    He starred at her, that's what he only could do, he had no argument, even of he had, he would never win against her, as always. So he remained quiet, staring at her face.  Suddenly realizing that this face he used to see everyday had changed. He married her when  she was only 18 years old,  she was back then still a girl, not very curvy and somehow a goody-two-shoes, while he was an evil, she was still a girl, just getting out from the teenage years, but he knew her since she was born, and he always knew he would end up marrying her so why would he wait 30 years old to do it? He was sure she was the one, so they could do it right now right?  He did not expect from her to say Yes, she was so straight in her way of living, but to his surprise she said yes. They got engaged, but waited for him to return from army before doing it officially, not forgetting to ask to Henry to keep a eye on her since he was like her still a high school student.

 The first years were like a movie, two young people living a college life but being married, no children only them, the Tv, and their homework, making love and having fun like any other couple of their age. Nothing was early different from the other couples. And he high fived himself when she finally joined him at college, putting a ring on her finger was the best idea he could ever have to keep male student away from her, he was the jealous type, while she did not really care seeing women around him. 

 He could say that's when she reached the age of 21 that she finally throw away her converse for more feminine shoes, her body was now the body of a woman, curves, , long hair she would let down, and long white legs she would more often shown by wearing dress and Skirt. He was proud of her, since she was his, all his. The age of 23 marked the end of their couple-student life, they both gratuated, and Jeehyun came to the world, giving to the girl who used to play keroro a more feminine and motherly aspect. 

This face, he used to wake up every morning, caressing it, not realizing that years were passing  and maybe that's why he stopped looking at it, maybe because he thought he already knew it by heart, but she was a woman, and you can only read a woman's feeling by looking at her face. 

"Because you kink you eyebrow when you're angry, because you play with your hair when you're stressed, because you talk about Starcraft even though I've never actually seen you having fun playing it. Because you're known as a healthy food maniac even if you starve for fast food when you're pregnant. Because you have values but would step on them for our children's sake Because, you put your hair in a messy bun when you're trying to control the situation. Because your two tooth shown when you're lying. Because you used to reach for my hand when you were scared. Because I'm the CEO but you're the BOSS. Because  I'm stubborn but you're worst than stubborn.  Because you say yes, but still think No. Because you gave me two wonderful children and half of your life. And because you think I stopped running after you while all I did was punishing myself for breaking my promises and letting you go." he told her, but she did not move, he could not hide his deception, so seeing that she was not going to answer he turned back walking to his car, "I'll drive you back." he only said expecting for her to at least accept him to drive her back home. 

    "As long as you love me." he suddenly heard, "As long as you love me used to be written on our rings, and it was  what you used to tell me,. But you stopped saying it. I want to hear it, please." she suddenly asked him. Surprised he did not understand why she would want to hear it, but he told her, he said it, "As long as you love me." he awkwardly said, causing her to start walking towards him, tears rolling on her face, she crashed her lips against his, surprised he let out a gasp allowing her to enter her tongue into his mouth, he pressed her lips on his by putting his hand on her neck, she did the same with his hair, with his other hand he put her legs around his waist. She encircled her arms around his neck. The feelings of her lips felt like one of their usual kiss, not the first one which was awkward, not the last one which was sad, no, it was a kiss, a french kiss, the one he used to give her, when he caught her between two appointment at their office, the one he used to give her, at night when the children were asleep, the one she used to give him before making love after one week of period.  The one she used to give him when she was feeling y, the one he used to give her, when he was making sure for the people around  to know that she was his.  The one she was giving him when he was not paying attention to her. The one he gave her, to allow him to make love to her, The one they used to give each other, when they were making One. 

I'm SO sorry I did not update before. I hope you're not disappointed. Give me your impressions. Ali. 

Please I invite you to take a look at my new story. Click on "ALAYLM"