Featuring: ASTRO (MJ, Jinjin, Sanha)
Genre: angst, fluff
Title: Useless Apology

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“I heard you were absent from school.”

I blinked as I dropped my bag on my bedroom floor. “How did you know that?”

She only raised an eyebrow at me in an “are-you-really-asking-me-that” way. “Where were you?”

I inwardly groaned. I had just literally come home and I was dead- tired. I just wanted to get over with homework quickly and relax, but apparently she thinks she has to impersonate my mom aside from being my tutor.

“I was out with friends—”

“Are you serious?”

I turned to look at her. “Yes, I’m very serious. Who even likes going to school? It’s boring and useless. If it wasn’t for my parents—”

“Your parents actually spend a lot on your education, and for you to waste it away by doing something else is not the way to thank them.”

“Who told them to spend on me, huh? Maybe if they were home more often I’d feel like they actually care about me.”

“Myungjun—”

“Are we going to study or are you going to keep lecturing me?” I snapped. I hated getting angry at her, but whenever she brings up my parents I just can’t stand it. It would be the same for anyone.

She sighed, defeated. “Fine. Open your math book.”

 

Our sessions last for three hours, from 5pm to 8pm, and because it would already be dark out by then, I often walk her home. It is those nighttime walks that I liked best, because aside from the three-hour tutor sessions in which she’s all business, I have no other time to see or meet her.

Oh, have I mentioned? My tutor is my girlfriend.

Her name is Nabi, and she was a 3^rd year university student. Our parents are acquainted, apparently, and because she was in need of money, my mom allowed her to tutor me. I’ve had a crush on her since she was introduced to me, and she’s been coming for lessons for six months so far. In that span of time I was somehow able to make her see that more than a senior in high school, I can take some things seriously too.

Her place was not very far from mine, and we can get to it by walking for around half an hour. When we finally got there that one night, she turned to me.

“Kim Myungjun, please don’t repeat what you did today.”

I sighed. “Can’t we just end this day without another argument?”

“I’m not going to talk about your parents if you don’t want to,” she said, “but I do want you to do well in school. You’re a good student, especially when you’re not lazy.”

“What’s the point, anyway? I’m absent a few times, I fail a couple of quizzes, but I still pass the term. It’s not like I’m aiming to be the top of my class.”

“Don’t you want to come to uni with me?”

That was true. The one reason I could probably have to graduate high school is that I can finally be with her. I’ve not thought too much about going to uni—but if that was where she was, I want to be there too.

I sighed. “Fine, I promise not to be absent again.”

She smiled. I absolutely loved her smile. “That’s my boy,” she said, and she reached up to ruffle my hair. She was three years older than me, but I was already a whole head taller than her, making her the perfect height for hugs.

As she reached for my head, I ducked and placed a kiss on her cheek, which shocked her. The way her cheeks burned pink and the way her eyes rounded was all the reward I needed to sleep well that night. When she looked like that, I couldn’t believe that she could be any older than me. She was too cute.

“Good night, love you,” I said, and then started walking backwards.

Her shock melted into a tiny smile as she waved goodbye. “Love you too. See you tomorrow.”

 

If only I had known, I would have treasured her more.

 

Nabi is right: I’m not at all useless in the head, but I can get a little immature sometimes, especially when I’m with my friends. It was a Saturday, and I couldn’t go meet Nabi because she was working another part-time job, so instead I met my friends.

“Wassup MJ?” called one of them, a rather bulky guy with tiny eyes.

I clasped hands with him. “Jinjin, my man. What are we doing today?”

Another guy, taller than both of us with a mass of curly hair, grinned. “I have something for you guys.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of ID cards. Fake ID cards.

“No way!” I yelled as I took one with my face on it. It was a fake college ID with a fake birthday at the back, but I couldn’t have guessed if it didn’t come from Yoon Sanha’s hands.

Jinjin took his and a wide smile spread on his face. “Do you know what this means?”

 

Half an hour later I found myself in the midst of a large crowd with music booming from all sides. Everyone was yelling and whooping and jumping as strobe lights pierced the darkened room. At my sides were Jinwoo and Sanha who were having just as much fun as I was.

It was absolutely no trouble getting through security; it’s not like Jinwoo or I looked much our age. We almost got caught with Sanha’s face though, because it looked like a middle-schooler’s face, but with the right clothes and a bit of makeup, he passed.

I’ve never been in a club before, but I’ve always wanted to go. It seemed fun to just get lost in the music and jump around and not have a care in the world—and I was absolutely not disappointed.

I didn’t know exactly how it started. I think Sanha hit someone and they spilled their drink on someone else, and there was a disgusted scream, and next thing I knew Sanha was on the floor with a busted lip and a huge guy hovering over him.

“You watch where you’re going, punk!” yelled the guy.

A girl, who was apparently his date, was throwing a fit about her ruined dress. I personally thought the stain was a big improvement.

“Did you just hit my friend you—!” Jinwoo suddenly yelled from beside me, and he threw the punch before I could stop him. The guy caught his arm before it landed and punched, and Jinwoo fell on the floor. Overcome by whatever it was that made one do something stupid, I yelled and punched, and soon it was chaos in the club. I didn’t even know who I was fighting anymore, but everyone was yelling and they all seemed to be after me, so I kept hitting anyone I didn’t know.

Soon I heard whistles and sirens, and I was rooted in the spot in horror as people around me clambered to run away. I saw police officers running toward me until one finally took me in a firm hold. Somewhere to my left two other officers grabbed hold of Jinwoo and Sanha.

We were screwed.

 

At the police station, we were seated alongside the guy who hit Sanha first, arguing a seemingly hopeless case with a police officer, whom I thought was a brick wall.

“That ahjusshi hit me first, sir!” whined Sanha for what seemed like a hundredth time.

“What ahjusshi are you talking about, punk!” yelled the guy. Did he want us to call him ‘hyung’? The guy looked older than 30!

“Shut your mouths!” replied the police officer. “We’ll hold the kids here until their parents pick them up, sir, and we’ll contact you with their numbers should you wish to settle.”

The guy seemed satisfied, but he gave us a face as he left. Jinwoo would’ve barely kept his seat if I hadn’t kept him down. The police officer then looked at us like we were about to be scolded like little kids.

“Are you guys seniors?”

“In college? Yeah,” said Jinwoo a little too confidently. Sanha and I sighed exasperatedly on either side of him.

The police officer held up the fake IDs. “These IDs are fake. If you weren’t minors, do you know what punishment exists for those who make and use these things?”

We were stumped. Suddenly, I saw Nabi come into the station and I could have sworn anything in exchange for the Earth to swallow me whole. She came to us and cast me a glance before dealing with the officer.

“I’m that kid’s guardian,” she said in her adult voice. “Can I take him now?”

“Can I just see an ID and your number? Your charge was involved in a fight and the man in question might want to settle.”

Nabi hesitated for a micro-second, but she showed a valid ID and wrote her number down on a piece of paper. When she was finished, I got a nod from the officer that I may already follow her out. I glanced at Sanha and Jinwoo. They would be fine, they have parents who could defend them. The worst they could get is a severe talking-to and detention.

 

Outside the station, Nabi suddenly turned around to face me. I couldn’t meet her eyes; it was like she could see right through me. She looked so disappointed that I wanted to get on my knees and apologize to her.

She pursed her lips. After a moment, she said, “What happened? No, wait, don’t answer that. Just what in the world were you thinking?”

I couldn’t answer her. I had absolutely no excuse. “I’m sorry, Nabi.”

“These friends of yours, they always drag you to do all sorts of things that could get you in trouble. Do you think your dad would stand for it if he was the one to fetch you?”

“If that was the case I’d have to wait in the station until tomorrow,” I muttered.

“Do I have to be with you all the time just so you wouldn’t get yourself in trouble?” she demanded.

Okay, that sounded like I’m more of her bothersome little brother than her boyfriend. I hated it when she belittled me. She was already beyond my reach—but whenever she did that, it’s like she’s distancing herself from me even more.

“Do you have to say it like that?” I asked back.

Her frown deepened. “Like what?”

“Like I’m some middle-schooler that you’re baby-sitting!”

“Well grow up if you don’t want to be treated like a kid!”

That’s it. She said it. I scoffed. “So that’s what you really feel.”

“What?”

“I’ll forever be just a kid to you, won’t I? I won’t ever really be able to stand alongside you because to you, I’m just a boy. I’m immature, irresponsible, and unable to ‘grow up’. I’m forever in your shadow, am I not?”

“Myungjun—”

“Why did you even like me? Wait, maybe you never did.”

“That’s not fair! This and that are two different things,” she said. I didn’t care. I was too angry.

“You think you’re someone important just because you’re a college student, just because you have a lot of jobs and you are useful to some people. And I’m just someone you have to take care of along with your parents. I’m not your boyfriend. You don’t really love me.”

She bit her lip and frustrated tears filled her eyes. I hated it when she cried, even more so when it was because of me, but at that moment, I didn’t care. If she was going to treat me like a kid, just like how everyone does, I’m done with her.

“Thanks for getting me out,” I said as coldly as I could, “but I’m not seeing you again.”

With that I turned and left her without looking back.

 

If I had looked back, would it all be different?

 

It took me a week to feel guilty about what I did. It took that whole week for me to reflect on what I did, what I said. I desperately wanted to talk to her, but pride stopped me all this while. So I just sulked in my room and distracted myself with things. She didn’t come in to tutor me anymore, so I was left to my own devices in studying. I didn’t realize how much I depended on her when it came to my academics until my final exam returned to me. I’ve failed it.

One Saturday, on some rare occasion, my mom was home and she was entertaining a guest. I didn’t want to see her or talk to her, because I knew she was going to ask about Nabi, so I kept things quiet and kept out of her way by only venturing out of my room when I got hungry.

It was that moment when I was in the kitchen to get something for lunch when I heard Nabi’s name.

“So that’s why Nabi quit. I thought it was some personal issue, but to hear this, it’s amazing!”

“I’m so proud of her for being chosen, but I will miss her while she’s away.”

“How long with the program take?”

“Around a year or so, she said. She would try to go home from time to time, but because it’s so far, it might be difficult.”

“That’s a long time!”

I inched toward the living room to hear better, but in the process I let go of the refrigerator door and it shut with a sound, drawing their attention to me. I cleared my throat awkwardly and bowed to my mom’s guest.

“Oh, there he is. Myungjun, say hi. It’s Nabi’s mother.”

I’ve never seen Nabi’s mom, but she looked a little like her. I bowed again and greeted her. “Hello. Thank you for letting your daughter tutor me. She’s been a big help.”

Nabi’s mom smiled at me. “I’m glad; she’s a good teacher. I just want to say sorry to you that she has to stop your lessons now.”

“Wh-why is that?” I asked. I thought she only stopped coming because I broke up with her. I mean, wouldn’t it be too awkward to see me after that?

“She’s chosen as an exchange student to London,” said Nabi’s mom. She looked rather surprised. “I’m a little confused as to why you don’t know, I thought she would have told you. I assumed you were close.”

I didn’t hear the rest of it. I just hastily bowed and ran up to my room. She was leaving? I got my phone and dialed her number, but it was unreachable. Has she left? I paced around as I kept trying to dial her number, and in my pacing I hit my low table with my shin, letting my books clatter to the floor.

“What the—” I groaned as I clutched my shin. It throbbed, dang it. I tried picking up the books, when I notice a familiar stationery page. Nabi always kept butterfly notepads with her, using them to mark my books and put reminders up for me.

This one was folded, though, and it had my name on it. I unfolded it and saw her familiar neat scrawl. The date was Friday, the day before I went to the club and gotten in trouble. The day before I broke up with her.

 

To the one I love, Kim Myungjun:

You have your final exams next week, and I’ve marked off all your books to prepare you for it. Please make sure to read them.

I’m saying this because I won’t be able to see you anymore after this week. I wanted to tell you in person, but you know my schedule. Weekends don’t work for us, do they? But if you read this and want to meet up for a bit, I guess I can set time for you.

I’m going to London. It’s exciting, isn’t it? I have to study there for a year, but maybe I can go home from time to time to visit, maybe during the holidays. I’m really excited for it, but I’ll sure miss you while I’m there. Don’t get in trouble while I’m gone, alright?

I’m leaving on Monday. I’m sorry I can’t tutor you anymore, but I believe in you. You’re an amazing student (when you’re not lazy), and I’m sure you can get by while I’m gone for a bit. You can promise me a good class standing, right? I’ll make sure to see you first thing when I get back.

You know I love you, right? I can’t wait to be with you in uni, but you have to do well until then. To me, you’re more than the troublemaker kid when I first met you. You’ve grown a lot since then, and I’m proud to be your girlfriend.

Let’s be patient and stick together until the end, okay? This one year will just be a breeze. I’ll call you every day if you like, remember to check your phone!

I love you, Kim Myungjun. See you soon!

Nabi

 

I didn’t realize I was shaking and crying as I read the letter. She cared for me this much, up until making sure I aced my exams before she left, and I just let her down. I’ve let her down so many times, but if anyone would have given up on me, she never did. She believed in the best in me, and I’ve never even showed it to her.

And now she’s gone.

She won’t call me now, would she? She won’t come see me anymore during the holidays, would she? She wouldn’t look forward to my class standing either.

I’ve failed her. I can’t even apologize to her.

I couldn’t do anything but cry and be sorry for myself. I’m sorry.

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A/N: I didn't mean to start the new year with something sad, but this one was begging to be written. Happy new year!