Story: The Girl and the Sea

Author: GreenGardenPop

 

Title: The title is relevant to the story, but it isn't unique enough to interest me to read on. (3/5m)

 

Description & Foreword: I love the way you used poem for your foreword. Your description is still too short, but I guess the poem under your foreword made up for it. The fonts used are easy to read. (9/10m)

 

Plot: The plot is simple and sweet. However it is also predictable. I love the way you added the lyrics (or should I say poem) into the story. I like it when you talk about how Myungsoo feel about Jiyeon. There's is actually noting much I can say here, you have done a great job. Kudos to you! :) (28/30m)

 

Description & Clarity: Your description is redundant in front, talking about sun shining through blinds and stuff. It's good to have descriptions that help develop your story, but description like this doesn't, so you can omit it such that your story is clear and straight to the plot. (26/30m)

 

Grammar & Spelling: 

 

I found a few grammar mistakes:

 

'I always took a short nap' - 'I always take a short nap' 

 

'I drew up the blinds and opened the window and a great waft of fresh, scented air blew in upon me.' - Don't try to have more than 1 'and' in a sentence. You can change it to 'I drew up the blinds, opened the window and a great waft of fresh, scented air blew in upon me.' or 'I drew up the blinds and opened the window. A great waft of fresh, scented air blew in upon me.'

 

'I enjoyed meeting other street musicians, and I could make money from this hobby.' - Since you have an 'and', there isn't a need for you to put a comma in front. 'I enjoyed meeting other street musicians and I could make money from this hobby.'

 

There are a few more mistakes here and there, be sure to read through and spot them. (12/20m)

 

Others: I love the story a lot :) It's predictable but I haven't seen such sweet stories on aff. Good job! (5/5m)

 

Total: 83/100m 

 

Author's note: Sorry for the late review! I was busy the whole May because of tests and other commitments... Hope you like the review!